Notebook Letters 5.

The Dimgirl (From The Molehole) I'm quite pleased with myself. I now automatically go to p182 when I want Zine. It's the quickest I've ever learnt something!

Well done you.

samurai hedgehog Merry Christmas, WLW. I got you some Dandelion and Burdock and a Blazin' Squad CD. See, someone loves you.

Genius At Work AOL have put Holly Valance in the entertainment section.

Yes, but obviously not you.

Zine; 22nd of December, 2002; 1/8.

My First Poem

New girl, new girl
I love you so
Your eyes they glisten
And your hair does flow
I look across the common room
Admiring your good looks
Even though, in reality
You probably hate my guts.

The Yorkie Bar Kid

My advice would be not to try and woo her with your poetry.

Zine; 22nd of December, 2002; 2/8.

Commiserations

Never mind, WLW. I know you like the Cheeky Girls but sadly, not the number one spot this time.

On behalf of WLW, in his/ her time of pain and grieving, I think we should hold a minute's silence (pause for a moment and remove hat). Chin up, WLW, maybe they'll reach the No 1 spot next time. That's something to look forward to.

Jambon Magnetique

I admire your optimism that there will be a next time!

Zine; 22nd of December, 2002; 3/8.

Team Evil

I have noticed the sudden epidemic of Team Avril and I have decided that I am gonna take on each and every member of it, including my friend who has turned to the Avril side.

So, to Team Avril, and in the words of many before me: "Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough!"

The Fors@ken One

This won't go down too well- she has many disciples on here.

Zine; 22nd of December, 2002; 4/8.

Are You Penniless?

I was recently on the new Sauce page just minding my own biz, when I saw a letter written by someone asking if WLW wrote for Sauce.

So, tell us, is it true? Has the rest gone up drastically on WLW Towers that you've had to take a second job? If so, here's 10p- but if it's a big mistake, then I expect it back in 24 hours or else!

Insane Marshmallow

You can have your 10p back- wasn't me. And it wasn't me on B*ckch*t either.

Zine; 22nd of December, 2002; 5/8.

The Ned

As all Scottish Ziners will know, "townies are nothing compared to the Scottish version, the Ned. Imagine a normal townie, but with more fake gold jewellery than Mr T and the need to put the words "pure", "mad" and "mental" into every sentence.

And they throw sweets at people, and miss. And I live in Paisley- abandon all hope all ye who enter here.

Freshlysqueezedcynic

But you do have lovely patterned... stuff.

Zine; 22nd of December, 2002; 6/8.

Sprouts

There they sit on the table at Christmas, the lonely and unliked vegetable. I always eat one, despite the fact they taste totally foul, because I feel sorry for them.

I mean, really, apart from a few old people, who actually LIKES sprouts? Poor things are always outshadowed by carrots and peas. I think we should start a sprout helpline. Who's with me?

Me- I'm with you! I loves 'em, I does!

Zine; 22nd of December, 2002; 7/8.

The Machine

I too have watched the marvellous show. The contestants all seem to have been picked off the street and possess a knowledge of current affairs that suggests they've been in a coma for this last decade.

But there are other gems in the late-night schedule: The District, The Third Watch, Comedy Lab and, of course, who could forget Late Night Poker.

The Despotic Banana

That's the thing with Bluffy Duffy? Such a cool nickname.

Zine; 22nd of December, 2002; 8/8.

Infected Freak Hey, Wlw, I've finally worked out the meaning of life. It's... ooh, the Tweenies are on, gotta go.

Far be it from me to stand in the way of you and culture.

Sykopathik Mushroom I just wanted to wish all Ziners and WLW a very Happy Christmas

And you just have.

The Artist Now Known As Exit WLW, please answer me something. One True Voice and Girls Aloud- what's with the dumb names?

Zine; 23rd of December, 2002; 1/8.

Birthday

It was my mum's idea of a joke to give birth to me at the one time of year that people are concentrating on something else.

Yes, folks, I was born on Christmas Eve. And do you know what they called me? Holly. Now that's just going overboard if you ask me.

Insanity Smurf

Oh dear- well, could have been worse, though I'm not sure exactly.

Zine; 23rd of December, 2002; 2/8.

The Hardest Maths Equation

What do you get when you add together the number of Blazin' Squad, the number of people in So Solid Crew, then times the number of people in Big Brother? Answers on a postcard.

Deshman

What you get is an (awful) lot of talentless oiks.

Zine; 23rd of December, 2002; 3/8.

My Crazy Dreams

I am worried about the dreams I have been having recently. All my friends keep turning into animals. In one dream, me and my friend were playing badminton and every time she hit the shuttlecock, she made duck noises. Then she started hitting me with me with her racket while chasing me round the sports hall. Then, in a puff of smoke, she turned into a white, fluffy duck and flew away.

What does it mean, WLW?

The Crazy Red Devil

It means that the bottle in the fridge that you thought was water... wasn't.

Zine; 23rd of December, 2002; 4/8.

'Ello, WLW

Conversation at college this week

1 Is Avril really worth the fuss or is she just as fake as the rest of them?
2 PVC v leather
3 Kids with wallet chains- discuss
4 Mini Jaffa Cakes?
5 Can I borrow your forensics notes?

It's all go at college, isn't it?

Rennaps

Not exactly, no- did you study anything this week?

Zine; 23rd of December, 2002; 5/8.

New singles, by John Earls

PET SHOP BOYS It Doesn't Often Snow At Christmas 8/10

A full-on sentimental wallow, it triumphs because they're deadly serious in loving the festive traditions. Fantastic B-sides too, notably a delirious cover of My Girl.

SLOW CLUB Christmas, Thanks For Nothing 7/10

A sarky but ultimately sweet and cheeky romp, their rattling country is suited for a "woe is me" take. A good set of covers here too, tearing into Christmas Baby Please Come Home.

1/6.

VAMPIRE WEEKEND Cousins 8/10

Phew. No one album wonders, if this is any judge. Afrobeat melody survives: what's new is a more abandoned spirit, unbuttoning themselves to surging punk. Superb jackhammer drums means it's more like a 50ft Slinky taking over the world.

THE AUTOMATIC Interstate 4/10

Oh dear. After their great second album flopped, they've abandoned offbeat charms to oblivious, empty waffle about empty skies like a worse Lostprophets.

2/6.

THE KILLERS Hotel California 6/10

Teaming up with Rhythms Del Mundo to cover the ultimate AOR snoozefest, the pair have just enough fun to save it from winebar inanity as Brandon Flowers indulges himself with a big grin.

PORT O'BRIEN My Will Is Good 7/10

One of the highs of the disappointing Threadbare album, its quiet despair and National-style rumbling drums mean you can see what they were aiming for is their new low-key approach.

3/6.

JULIAN CASABLANCAS i Wish It Was Christmas Today 7/10

Considering he sings in his usual detached snarl, lines like "Let the bells ring-a-ding" are genuinely funny. The synths are deliberately hoary, but it's played at a fabulous breakneck pace. Daft fun.

DETACHEMENTS Circles 4/10

Bargain basement Gary Numan rip-off with comically bad panto goth vocals, you just know they'd have been in a sub Libs band before the '80s revival.

4/6.

NEW YOUNG PONY CLUB Lost A Girl 4/10

If there's one advantage to PS closing, it's not having to endure these clowns any more witless attempts at Banshee atmospherics, it's an achievement that, even when doing the spoken-word verses, Tahita Bulmer sounds out of tune.

ELIZA DOOLITTLE Rollerblades 8/1O

Ooh, did anyone order a British Erin McKeown? Similarly singing with a smile over a ragtime, other-wordly romantic romp that's beguiling innocent.

5/6.

HURTS Wonderful Life 7/10

One of the most widely-tipped names for 2010, the duo create headrush synthpop in a Pet Shop Boys spirit. Which should make them a cause for celebration, but Theo Huthcraft's vocals are too detached to be as great as they can be.

LONDON BLACKMARKET The Hardest Stone To Throw 6/10

Another tipped name, the Essex band lack subtlety, have a nasal singer, yet are having such a riot it's hard to quibble too much.

6/6.

Teletext page 822; 30th of November, 2009.

Top 10 albums of 2009

10) THE LEISURE SOCIETY The Sleeper

A classic brak-up album, Nick Hemming looked at his 30something life, shook the dust off and made an achingly beautiful work of almost choral majesty. Heartbreak as redemption.

9) VITALIC Flashmob

Even better than the storming OK Cowboy, he ramped up the energy levels and made the most determined hedonistic record all year- yet one that works just as well at home too.

Eight) GRIZZLY BEAR Vekatimest

In which the New Yorkers saw all their ideas fall into place, knowing when to experiment and when to experiment and when to bring songs to the forefront. Challenging, thought provoking but never inaccessibly cold.

7) EDWARD SHARPE AND THE MAGNETIC ZEROS Up From Below

Unabashed hippies whose mix of psychedelia and broad stroke epics made for bold, warm-hearted sunshine splendour, too ambitious for any thoughts of retro pigeonholing.

6) SWEET BILLY PILGRIM Twice Born Men

The real Mercury winner is remarkable, impossible to categorise. As experimental as Talk Talk, as emotional as Elbow, as bleak as Red House Painters and as (harsh) as only their own strange minds could make it.

5) A CAMP Colonia

Nina Persson's second solo album swells until its romance could eat the world, her towering voice and melodies the epitome of luxurious music.

4) MANIC STREET PREACHERS Journal For Plague Lovers

Even the most fervent MSP fan winced at the idea of them tackling richey edwards' final lyrics, in case they failed to do them justice.

Instead, the natural sequel to The Holy Bible resulted more doubting lyrically, perhaps, but with the same unrelenting passions and disgust. Heroically brutal playing, though with a lot of funk in there too. In a very, very twisted way, granted.

3) THE HORRORS Primary Colours

Almost a year after they shocked people by turning from comedy goths into truly dark, disturbing sonic soundscapes, the record continues to surprise to.

Just what is Faris Badwan singing about? Where are those basslines going to go next? Why couldn't Sea Within A Sea have gone on longer? Did they mean to be so terrifying? Can they let me out now, please? And just what will they do for a encore?

2) THE PHANTOM BAND Checkmate Savage

Dismissed as pranksters in Glasgow for a long time, it turns out they had their heads screwed on after all.

There's a world of mischief in here but, in true Beta Band fashion, their carnival minds make for maverick pop songs and audacious attempts to filter the whole history of music into untamed carnal rock. The type of freeform mania that only extremely disciplined playing can turn into approachable wonders.

1) TELEKINESIS Telekinesis!

Seemingly from out of nowhere, Seattle singer-songwriter Michael Lerner made the art of timeless jangling pop look so easy that even The Lemonheads sound forced by comparison.

A cynicism-free set of beguiling joyous songs to give you the happiest time you'll have all year, the delight at being alive bursts from every note- and anyone lucky enough to get it will be thankful they're around to hear him.

Teletext page 823; 30th of November, 2009.

Best films this year

Best films this year: The Wrestler; Coraline; Inglorious B*sterds; Messerine; Star Trek; Fantastic Mr Fox; and A Serious Man. Stewart, Nottingham

Vortex; Teletext page 817; 28th of November, 2009; 1/6.

Gerard, man of many roles

Gerard Butler can play any role, especially funny and romantic ones. P.S. i Love You with Hilary Sw*nk, The Ugly Truth with Katherine Heigl.

He was great in The Phantom of The Opera, he did his own singing. Also not forgetting Guy Ritchie's film RocknRolla. The film he has been working on with Jennifer Aniston sounds like a romantic comedy. Barbara, Ashton-Under-Lyme

Vortex; Teletext page 817; 28th of November, 2009; 2/6.

The Crow debate

Jim, Basingstoke- I think Crow: Wicked Prayer was the fourth film. Vincent Perez was first to follow Brandon Lee with Crow: City of Angels. I don't consider these films 'sequels' as each has a self-contained story with different characters and a different protagonist resurrected. Dave, Stockport

Paranormal Activity- a good, affective chiller let down by a stupid ending. Jim, Halesowen

Vortex; Teletext page 817; 28th of November, 2009; 3/6.

Let's play guess the film...

My top 5 movie twists: 1. She's a fella. 2. It's a sledge. 3. It's people. 4. He's a ghost. 5. He's a ghost and so are the kids. Nicko, Derby

Just saw a promo for "Where The Wild Things Are". It reminded me of the kids' show Puff'n'Stuff. Bob, Slough

Lee, I agree. Blazing Saddles, Airplane and Animal House are comedy classics. The rest are average at best, rubbish in the main. Jim, Middlesborough

Vortex; Teletext page 817; 28th of November, 2009; 4/6.

An Addition To Poetry Corner

Desperate not to be a two-hit wonder, I thought I would write a poem:

Imagine a life without Zine
Unthinkable, I know
We'd have to live on eggs and beans
And frolic in the snow

What do you think, WLW? No, go on, tell me.

The Purple Frog

I cannot tell a lie- it's brilliant! Hey, I CAN tell a lie!

Zine; 5th of January, 2002; 6/8.

Unwanted Christmas Presents

Where do they all go?

I know a good whack of them end up in charity shops, and a fair number are given to homeless pirates. Some break after five minutes and are buried in back gardens and some given to fishermen who get paid to dispose of them at sea. Some are probably eaten by ill-informed toddlers and some just disappear completely, I think.

The Suited Stranger

That's where I can ditch my Gareth doll!

Zine; 5th of January, 2002; 7/8.

Winter

For my debut I'd like to tell you 10 things I love about winter.

1 It's not too hot
2 I don't sweat
3 I can wear thick, cuddly clothes
4 It's cool enough to sleep
10 We have an ice-rink here

Sorry, I missed a few- I'm off skating!

Dizzy Daisy

Well, excuse us! Perhaps you could finish your list another time, eh?

Zine; 5th of January, 2002; 8/8.

Gnuffo1 Why does it always rain on me? Is it because I didn't check the weather forecast?

Nope, still gonna rain whether you check or not.

Scouse Holly and BananaJim What would it take to make you love Elton John and Blue, WLW?

Some extremely strong medication and money.

The Young Upstart When I was at school, they let me take the guinea pig home. It's been a long journey but I've finally arrived in Guinea.

Oh dear.

Zine; 7th of January, 2002; 1/8.

I'm Being Stalked

It's terrible. Every time I turn on the TV, go on the internet or even read the TV listings, the Osbournes are always there. I think they following me and this is a problem because they are scary.

WLW, help me. I could take refuge in the Towers.

"The Trachinator"

Well you could, but I'm afraid we have Girls Aloud staying at the moment.

Zine; 7th of January, 2002; 2/8.

General Rant

OK, after much analysis of WLW's witty responses, I have deduced thus:

I would estimate his/ her age to be between 18 and 25 because he hasn't yet developed a resistance to the music we call "pop". Anyone above this age would be almost immune to the shrill qualities of S Club Juniors or the infectious chanting of "Big bro, takin' over ya show". My next theory : WLW's gender. Sorry, ladies, he's a man.

Glorified Bricklayer

I'm amazed you think S Club Juniors have any 'qualities' at all.

Zine; 7th of January, 2003; 3/8.