I hate nearly every aspect of my life. I feel unattractive and unwanted. And I'm sick to f*cking death of all these carrots being dangled in front of me, too. Just f*ck off. I don't want much out of life, but a few years of actual happiness before kicking the bucket, would be nice. I need a job, for a start. But you can't get a job without qualifications (was made homeless half way through my A-Levels and had to drop out of college. Yeah, thanks for that one). Apparently, you can't serve your country if you've been depressed. Or, you can, but they'll lose your medical records first and make you over a year before telling you. But they'd still prefer it, if you haven't. Obviously, if I'd known all that before I applying, I would have jumped in my Tardis, gone back in time, and prevented all the sh*t from ever happening. Just imagine, no sexual abuse, no years of bullying and beatings. I wouldn't of ended up living in a bedsit/houseshare where you had to wear rubber gloves to use the washing machines because of the f*cking needles the smack head left in there. And some evening, I wouldn't of had to walk in to find someone in the corridor with a knife up to another guy's throat, or someone lying in the bathroom in a pool of blood, having a fit. Or having to evacuate my flat at 4 in the morning because next door got petrol through the letter box.
I wouldn't have had to hear the same guy getting beaten in his stairway a few months later, only to find out the next day that the poor c*nt only made it half a mile through town to get help before he died. I wouldn't of dropped out of college, gave up the job I enjoyed, lost my fiance, friends, shoplifted so I could actually eat somedays, put on a sh*t load of weight..yadda, yadda, yadda. Hindsight is a remarkable thing. I could've gone back in time, had a life like something out of the Sound of f*cking Music and been able to join the Navy. I also have no real confidence, especially with women I like. This is mainly because no job/money and I hate my face and have hang ups about my body since I lose weight etc.. To make matters worse, all the women I end up talking to are intelligent and successful and that just makes me feel more inadequate and like a looser. And the more attractive they are, the more that feeling is amplified. It's annoying because I never meet girls who work on the till at tesco, or something normal like that, it's always f*cking oxford law students, solicitors, nurses and teachers I end up really getting on with. And that's not me trying to say working on the till in tesco is less of a job, but it's just stupid assumptions my mind invents about other people's expectation. Basically, I c*ck block myself, a lot. And when I don't, fate transpires against me. In the last few months I've been c*ck-blocked by the police, by my sister being so drunk I had to brush off a very hot essex girl to get her home safely, by loyalties to friends and the few times I haven't been c*ck-blocked and sex is on a plate, I've turned them down because I don't find them attractive. That, and despite all the mention of cocks and blocking, I'm not interested in getting laid. I'm done with that b*ll*cks. I want a relationship, but I'm insane and I can't win. And very drunk, so I'd best leave it as this for tonight.