16^th September 2024, 8:11 pm

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A killing spree *with* bodyguards!

Notebook Letters 13.

Posted In: Mega-Zine Chat. Reading This Thread:

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

27^th Mar 2024 at 9:55 pm

River Phoenix

Hyphens

Susie Dent, Goddess Of The Dictionary, has proclaimed the hyphen is no longer necessary in certain words. So, to paraphrase Herman Melville: Call me email.
Mondo Ray

The hyphen will live on in the Mega-zine. Quite literally.

Zine; 20th of November, 2007; 4/5.

[http://www.vegetablerevolution.co.uk/uploads/549604.jpg]

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

27^th Mar 2024 at 9:58 pm

River Phoenix

Editor

No letters to Daddypoos?
There will be loads.
What's wrong with sharing a glass of vitriol with friends, old and new?
Anyway, they can get their own back when it's their turn.
Daddypoos, Wigan

Cue the gratuitous plug for the Christmas Takeover. Get your letters in!

Zine; 21st of November, 2007; 2/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

27^th Mar 2024 at 10:00 pm

River Phoenix

Newbs out on page three

Oo! If there is a film of Zine, I would like to be played by that parrot from Paulie. He is my idol. After you, of course, Daddypoos.
King Ducky

You're not getting the hang of this whole suck-up-to-WLW-and-get-printed thing, are you?

Zine; 21st of November, 2007; 3/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

27^th Mar 2024 at 10:04 pm

River Phoenix

In praise of Poles

I am sick to death of people harassing Polish people in my home town of Bristol. I love Poles, my friend Adrian is Polish and rocks. This gets me irate as an already irate pigeon. I heard WLW is Polish. Is this true, my giraffe buddy?
The Even More Irate Pigeon

Afraid not. Poland's not known for its native giraffes. Unlike England.

Zine; 21st of November, 2007; 4/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

27^th Mar 2024 at 10:07 pm

River Phoenix

Watch out

Oh good. Autumnwatch has finished. That means I can watch University Challenge again and not hide in my field in case that odd person came a-wittering in my twigs. Such grubby hands and so annoying. I hope you have clean hooves, WLW.
The Barking Tree

Want to know my secret? They've never seen a day's work.

Zine; 21st of November, 2007; 5/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

27^th Mar 2024 at 10:10 pm

River Phoenix

Wrong on rights

Marmaduke Twist I'm all for rights for newbies. May I suggest the right to remain silent.

He's joking, of course. *Jabs Marmaduke in the ribs; not twice, but thrice*

Gilly The Great I have fallen in love with Hollyoaks's Warren *she fantasises* JP's all yours, WLW.

I don't think you'd be JP's bag, anyway (if you get my drift).

Zine; 22nd of November, 2007; 1/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

29^th Mar 2024 at 9:51 pm

River Phoenix

Letter about nothing

The advert where some people sing about a big fat nothing, bugs me. "Nothing" can't be big or fat. Or small, or thin. Because it's nothing.

Was this letter too early, WLW? I hope the chocolate frogs made up for it.
Juicy Strawberry, Hector's House

*Chokes on Freddo* Now now, there's no need to let everyone in on our little arrangement.

Zine; 22nd of November, 2007; 2/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

29^th Mar 2024 at 9:53 pm

River Phoenix

Newbs out on page three

If a person's hobby was tractors, models and pictures, and they decided to get a different hobby, would that make that person an ex tractor fan?

Debbles

You're not strictly a newbie, but as you've a new name and made a pun even a newbie would shy from, it's on to page three with you.

Zine; 22nd of November, 2007; 2/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

29^th Mar 2024 at 11:02 pm

River Phoenix

The nice Ducky

King Ducky is sucking up to me, WLW. Keep your beak out (that's telling him).
Daddypoos, Wigan (Spinster of This Parish)

You're not the boss around here, dear old Daddypoos. Not yet, anyway

Zine; 22nd of November, 2007; 4/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

31^st Mar 2024 at 9:13 pm

River Phoenix

Useful egotism

Like Hiro Nakamura, I have awesome powers. No, I cannot muck about with the space-time continuum, but I can and frequently do predict things most fantastically. I do this using a vacuum. Yes, it's a little awkward, but then isn't everything?
elden ray

Pah. I've heard you really suck at it, anyway.

Zine; 22nd of November, 2007; 5/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

31^st Mar 2024 at 9:16 pm

River Phoenix

Newsflash Rumour Mill

I have heard from sensitive sources that D*ck and Dom have invited our WLW to the Bungalow! Is this true? Oh yes, as Junior Editor of Zine, can I ask all other Ziners to send in their Xmas letters!
Qwerty Merry Xmas Keyboards Are Out Of Stock? (No Deliveries Before Xmas Due To Stock Levels)

And while we're at it, guest editors, send me a short manifesto to introduce your edition of Zine, too.

Zine; 23rd of November, 2007; 1/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

31^st Mar 2024 at 9:20 pm

River Phoenix

Innuendo Calling

WLW is getting his newbies out on page three every day this week and Daddypoos hasn't cried innuendo yet. Here's another Eng Lit paraphrase for the little darlings: Zine is a foreign country, they do things differently there.
Mondo Ray

Daddypoos is too giddy on King Ducky's flattery to notice anything at the moment.

Zine; 23rd of November, 2007; 2/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

31^st Mar 2024 at 10:12 pm

River Phoenix

Newbs out on page three

If a woman hands me a shoplifted elephant musical key ring with flat batteries, could I be arrested for receiving stolen goods? I need an answer quick, as the cops are on to me.
Stouffer

Eh? I think you'll fit in perfectly around these parts.

Zine; 23rd of November, 2007; 3/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

31^st Mar 2024 at 10:17 pm

River Phoenix

Ani-mail

I'm not really an animal person, so you can imagine my surprise when I was delivered a hippopotamus and a mongoose out of the blue one day. But, as it turns out, there isn't a Mr London Zoo at my address after all. I've returned the mongoose to the sender, but used up all my stamps sender, but used up all my stamps in the process. So what the heck am I going to do with the hippo?
Psychic Potato

Order three and have the world's biggest game of Hungry Hungry Hippos?

Zine; 23rd of November, 2007; 4/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

31^st Mar 2024 at 10:19 pm

River Phoenix

Gothic Fairy I've been insulted by a chav. He called me cute and said I reminded him of his sister's RainbowBrite doll, Indigo.

It could have been worse, he could've said a Cabbage Patch Doll.

Zine; 26th of November, 2007; 1/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

31^st Mar 2024 at 10:22 pm

River Phoenix

Drink Driving

With my pound coin inserted, I was off. I must have reached a top speed of 5mph zooming past old ladies while clutching a bottle of sauce. As I turned the corner, I was forced to take action to avoid hitting a child. I oversteered into a case of wine. I was red like the floor. My very own Watergate.

Junior Minister

Who needs Washington when you've got Hull?

Zine; 26th of November, 2007; 2/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

31^st Mar 2024 at 10:25 pm

River Phoenix

Newbs Out On Page Three

So lemme get this straight. You'll post any newbies' letters on page three. Do I need naked photos or something? The Sun usually won't print a picture on page three unless it involves nudity, so surely there's a requirement for here?

Bulbasaurus Rex

The usual requirement for a witty, insightful letter is waived on page three.. for now.

Zine; 26th of November, 2007; 3/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

2^nd Apr 2024 at 8:32 pm

River Phoenix

Bad Ideas For Supergroups

- Motley Cure
- Queen Of The Stone Age
Manic The Streets Preachers
- GoKillerz
- Blursive
- The Bees-52s
- Depeche Modest Mouse
Johnny Cashboard Confessional

Vigilante Maelstrom

Sounds just like what Mabel calls them anyway.

Zine; 26th of November, 2007; 4/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

2^nd Apr 2024 at 8:35 pm

River Phoenix

Ad It Up

As you are the only giraffe with an Equity card, WLW, how come there are two of you on that Eon ad? Is it SFX or have you been picking up extras again? ("C'mon, babe, I can make you a star"). Yeah, right...

Mondo Ray

I have far too much integrity to do an advert, Mondo (unless the price is right).

Zine; 26th of November, 2007; 5/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

2^nd Apr 2024 at 8:38 pm

River Phoenix

Poem-on-Trent

When wandering through Stoke-on-Trent,
I happened on a lively gent,
Who said "Oh, nasty Stoke-on-Trent!
Where has all the manners went?
It seems to I they've all got spent".
Said I, "Your grammar sucks. Get bent."
Vigilante Maelstrom

Something tells me you'll do just fine on your Christmas Takeover Day.

Zine; 27th of November, 2007; 1/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

2^nd Apr 2024 at 9:52 pm

River Phoenix

What a pix up

What is it with you, WLW? Someone with a name like Bulbasaurus Rex offers us nekkid pix and you ask for wit and insight? Boy, you really need this holiday.
mondo ray

I'll have you know this is a high-brow establishment, mondo. Ahem.

Zine; 27th of November, 2007; 2/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

3^rd Apr 2024 at 9:19 pm

River Phoenix

Newbs out on page three

Magicdave I've been reading Zine for a couple of weeks, but I'm still a newbie. I also think we should get privileges because we're new.

They're a demanding lot, aren't they?

Mr Insane What do you get if you cross a chimney, a wok and a letter? A chimp-pan-Z! No? WLW rocks. (Hehe, now it's impossible for me not to get on Zine!) Did I type that out loud?

Sycophancy works first time. The real test is to not be a one letter wonder.

Zine; 27th of November, 2007; 3/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

4^th Apr 2024 at 8:58 pm

River Phoenix

And finally

Rodney Marsh, the latest evictee from the GMOOH jungle, was asked if he would have liked to stay longer. He replied, "I'd rather chew on a broken light bulb". Well, we on News At Zine have had a whip-round and, unfortunately, Rodney, we couldn't afford any light bulbs. But we've managed to rustle up enough to buy a pack of drawing pins. Will that do?
The News At Zine

How about we fly him back to the jungle and leave him there forever?

Zine; 27th of November, 2007; 4/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

4^th Apr 2024 at 9:02 pm

River Phoenix

Welcome

The newbies are welcome to page three. I usually skip it.
daddypoos, Wigan

It's the place to be, daddypoos (that's what we tell them, anyway).

Zine; 27th of November, 2007; 5/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

4^th Apr 2024 at 10:09 pm

River Phoenix

Sigh

Observe, the mating call of thee young female teen: a sharp screech that deafens the human ear. See how it attracts the slack-jawed pubescent male who swaggers over, professing his manliness with his hand down his trousers and hawks up a phlegm globule to declare his attraction. Teens, eh?
Elden Ray

It's a depressing thought that some younger Ziners haven't even made it to teenager yet.

Zine; 28th of November, 2007; 1/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

4^th Apr 2024 at 10:13 pm

River Phoenix

Mondo's tip

High-brow establishment? Enough already with the giraffe jokes. Why do newbies always demand privileges? Haven't they sussed yet that the only privileged one around here is WLW? And quite rightly so. (Hint: that final line is a prime example of how to get printed.)
Mondo Ray

Such cynicism, Mondo. You're right, though.

Zine; 28th of November, 2007; 2/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

6^th Apr 2024 at 10:46 pm

River Phoenix

Newbs out on page three

"Newb" is a strange word. How do you know when something stops being new and becomes "old"? I suggest checking for facial hair, bald patches and mouldy bits. So if a food product has facial hair, do not eat it!
Mr Insane

Whiskery, balding and past their prime? You won't win over the older Ziners with that kind of talk.

Zine; 28th of November, 2007; 3/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

6^th Apr 2024 at 10:57 pm

River Phoenix

Curses

Oh curses. There's a hole in one of my giraffe hide-patterned socks. Are you any good at darning, WLW? If not, I'll have to wear the ow ones.
The Barking Tree

*Inhales deeply* Gosh darn it! How was that?

Zine; 28th of November, 2007; 4/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

6^th Apr 2024 at 11:00 pm

River Phoenix

Christmas break

So, a Christmas break? Tell me, how does a non-entity go on a break?
thepumpkinseed

A more pertinent question might be, how does a relative newbie hope to be printed after dissing the "non-entity" who chooses the letters?

Zine; 28th of November, 2007; 5/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

7^th Apr 2024 at 9:00 pm

River Phoenix

New? If Only You Knew

I've been here for years. And I wouldn't react like that, we all know that many of "us" have questions about who or what WLW is. Is it a name that's passed to people, or is it used to cover a group of writers paid to react to our insane ramblings?
And "dissing" - I wouldn't have thought anyone would use that word on Mega-Zine.

thepumpkinseed

Touché. But I'm not just anyone, old bean - I'm the boss.

Zine; 29th of November, 2007; 1/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

7^th Apr 2024 at 9:05 pm

River Phoenix

The Grand Dozer

In some cultures, people who are neither men nor women inject industrial silicone into themselves in order to get more feminine curves and thus be beautiful. It's an interesting concept. I see you, WLW, with Pete Burns's or Leslie Ash's lips, J.Lo's bum and oh yeah, luscious long hair. It's attract more customers which is the name of the game, isn't it?

Elden Ray

Did you miss the memo about this being a high-brow establishment?

Zine; 29th of November, 2007; 2/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

7^th Apr 2024 at 9:19 pm

River Phoenix

Newbs out on page three

Black Dove With a receding hairline, a can't-be-bothered-shaving-this-week beard and being not exactly mouldy, not maybe a bit foisty, am I new or old?

Tough question... maybe thepumpkinseed has the answer.

Confused Jo Jo Help me! Been reading this fab page for Scooby Doo life years and I'm still none the wiser to what WLW means! Please put a pint-sized Scouser out of her misery.

Yep, you're definitely new.

Zine; 29th of November, 2007; 3/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

7^th Apr 2024 at 9:23 pm

River Phoenix

Ray's Say

How noble, WLW, to print a petty missive from a clearly befuddled thepumpkinseed who blithely questions something s/he believes does not exist!
Oh, I checked in my poolside dictionary, "nonentity" doesn't have a hyphen, sweetie.
And hello to Elden Ray, who was a Mega-ray long before I joined in.

Mondo Ray

You're starting to resemble the Susie Dent of the Zine, dear Mondo.

Zine; 29th of November, 2007; 4/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

7^th Apr 2024 at 9:27 pm

River Phoenix

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Hi. *waves to everyone*. I'm new here, my rotten sis told me about the Zine - wasn't that nice of her?
By the way, you can tell Donny's Angel *laughs at the name* to keep away from Grey Owl's Vagabond Cousin as he's all mine.

Donny's Angel's Little Sister

How very Jerry Springer.

Zine; 29th of November, 2007; 5/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

8^th Apr 2024 at 9:52 pm

River Phoenix

Nice for now

I seem to have been going through a "nice" phase recently. Haven't insulted anyone for ages. Could I be mellowing because; frabjous day; calloo, callay!, AF returns from foreign parts next week! Then I can start being grumpy again. Kissy kissy until then!
Mondo Ray

I've always suspected you were a pucker, Mondo.

Zine; 30th of November, 2007; 1/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

8^th Apr 2024 at 9:55 pm

River Phoenix

Doing it for themselves

Come on, Donny's Angel *digs her in the ribs*. I thought you would have welcomed me to Zine. Mind you, I don't mind if my rotten sis never comes back here. Now I can hit Grey Owl's Vagabond Cousin and really have some fun with him *jumps with joy*.

Donny's Angel's Little Sister

It gets stranger by the day.

Banana Flavoured Lemon: re-send your e-mail address.

Zine; 30th of November, 2007; 2/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

8^th Apr 2024 at 9:59 pm

River Phoenix

What's in a name?

To Confused Jo Jo the pint-sized Scouser, WLW means Whys Love Withering. But then I heard a rumour it means White Line Warrior! Only WLW knows.
Debbles

Speaking of names, I advise you to go back to your old one, or face the wrath of One Winged Angel. And probably Princess Psycho, too.

Zine; 30th of November, 3/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

8^th Apr 2024 at 10:02 pm

River Phoenix

Zine holiday

Is there not enough money in the Teletext budget to take it all on a budget holiday? The thought of a giraffe in a bikini is too good an opportunity to miss! We haven't found the missing HM Revenue and Customs discs, by the way. Would you mind looking under your sofa?
Junior Minister

Teletext "budget"? I've never heard those two words together before.

Zine; 30th of November, 2007; 4/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

8^th Apr 2024 at 10:08 pm

River Phoenix

Hittitology

I have mulled learning another language. Just in case I get hauled into the 14th century BC by an evil Queen to be used as a sacrifice to get her in power, I have decided to learn Hittite as a precaution. The useful phrase I found is "Kuwapi padan keudani seissar akuwantari?" which means "Where's the pub?". Always a useful phrase.
Princess Psycho

Somehow I think you're more likely to be the one doing the sacrificing.

Zine; 30th of November, 2007; 5/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

8^th Apr 2024 at 10:58 pm

River Phoenix

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

8^th Apr 2024 at 11:01 pm

River Phoenix

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

8^th Apr 2024 at 11:03 pm

River Phoenix

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

8^th Apr 2024 at 11:07 pm

River Phoenix

Ani-mail

I'm not really an animal person, so you can imagine my surprise when I was delivered a hippopotamus and a mongoose out of the blue one day. But, as it turns out, there isn't a Mr London Zoo at my address after all. I've returned the mongoose to the sender, but used up all my stamps in the process. So what the heck am I going to do with the hippo?
Psychic Potato

Order three more and have the world's biggest game of Hungry Hungry Hippos?

Zine; 3rd of December; 4/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

8^th Apr 2024 at 11:12 pm

River Phoenix

OK, let's clarify

My original "non-entity" message only asked how one would go on a break. With the hope of a comical response of some kind from WLW. I use non-entity because we do not know who or what WLW is, so it has no known form. Us Ziners are very reactionary, all responses, even WLW's, were negative, as though I had been. But I did not say anything bad. Father Christmas is a non-entity and he makes lots of children happy.
thepumpkinseed

*Insert comical reaction here*

Zine; 4th of December, 2007; 1/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

8^th Apr 2024 at 11:14 pm

River Phoenix

Chilling story

After a tense couple of weeks, I decided to take a few days out to relax and chill out. The only problem is, I'm still feeling a bit warm! I'd scream for help but there's no help for me!
Gilly The Great

Perhaps you should try some ice scream. I thank you.

Zine; 4th of December, 2007; 2/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

10^th Apr 2024 at 8:53 pm

River Phoenix

Newbs out on page three

Walked past some chavs the other day. How many times do they have to say "mint" and "ya get me"? I didn't know they taught chavish in schools. Chavs, eh?
magicdave

What do you call an Eskimo chav? Innuit.

Zine; 4th of December, 2007; 3/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

10^th Apr 2024 at 11:08 pm

River Phoenix

Dreamy

Why is it that everyone except me had a Wizard of Oz experience? You know, the one where you wake up and there's loads of little dudes dancing and singing and an ugly old witch who smells since she can't wash because water melts her. Yeah... I wanna have that dream.
One Winged Angel

Dream? Sounds like a regular Saturday night at Mabel's place.

Zine; 4th of December, 2007; 4/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

12^th Apr 2024 at 9:04 pm

River Phoenix

Laid bear

As the teacher of the teddy bear now in Sudan returns home, we at The News At Zine, are wondering what exactly has happened to the bear in question? We can gladly report that he is safe and well, having changed his name to Brian, and is now dating Sooty's ex, Soo. Good for you, Brian!
The News At Zine

Good luck, more like. That floozy broke Cedric's heart years ago.

Zine; 4th of December, 2007; 5/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

12^th Apr 2024 at 9:18 pm

River Phoenix

Essay

There's nothing more depressing than writing two 3, 000-word essays in one week and having no social life as a consequence. Nevertheless, I find myself procrastinating and eating too much food. Therefore, I challenge you to a duel with nothing but a vegetable of your choice, WLW.
Junior Minister

A carambola is is then. They are nature's shuriken.

Zine; 5th of December, 2007; 1/5.

Rayanne Graff

| 76,001 posts

12^th Apr 2024 at 9:22 pm

River Phoenix

Hyphenomania

Nonentity. Pay attention, thep-umpkin-seed. Nonentity. One word. No hyphen. And I saw that Santa Claus bloke the other day. He lives in a bijou twee grotto.
Mondo Ray

I see the season of goodwill to your fellow men hasn't reached Mondo Mansion yet.

Zine; 5th of December, 2007; 2/5.

Vel: *sigh*

Emma: Hi VR...

Princess Psycho: Hi I am back in the UK so how are everyone been keeping. Has Fluffy had that little accident yet?

Claire: SHOUTBOX OF VRRRRRR

Rayanne Graff: Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Lucozade Lover: Happy New Year!

Crinkle-Cut Beatroot: Happy new year <3

Claire: BOXSHOUT

Rayanne Graff: Happy Easter.

Emma: So… Posting a new thread is Fission Mailing… so I’m putting this here.

Emma: I know there aren’t many people looking at this anymore… but I have made the decision to stop paying for the VR hosting and to let the domain lapse.

Emma: I think it will be going offline around the end of May

Emma: It’s been almost 10 years since James passed away… and I feel like it’s time.

Emma: A lot of the regulars can be found on the VR veterans group on Facebook - if you see this and you’re not in there, come join us.

Crinkle-Cut Beatroot: What's the facebook group called? I couldn't find it...

Jimmy: VR VeteRans https://www.facebook.com/groups/174360109375424/?mibextid=K35XfP

Πανδώρα: MUHAHAHAHAHA!

Πανδώρα: Moist.

IGH: And so it ends

Captain Spiky: I've just been loving life, going through the photos in the Meets gallery. so many awesome people that I loved hanging out with

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