Please vote for your bestest letter in August.
The closing date for all the votes is 29/9/2008.
Please vote!
1. Pumpkin fever, part 1.Day 4 trapped inside my pumpkin. The smell is starting to send me ever so slightly mad. The world has become a vast ocean of orange and old wax from that candle I left in it at Hallowe'en. Mother stopped delivering food through my small window, once representing the left eye of Pumpkin Lumpkin, around three or four days ago. Or was that three or four hours ago? Pumpkin fever is making it hard to determine time.
One Winged Angel.You'll be going to seed next. -----
2. Tony And Raoul.Raoul: My Dad was always clutching at straws.
Tony: A persistant man?
Raoul: No, a farmer. And he was always holding his horses.
Tony: A patient man?
Raoul: No, to keep them safe. He kicked the bucket three days ago.
Tony: Did all the water spill out?
Raoul: Don't joke you insensitive p**t. I'm not talking to you anymore.
Vigilante Maelstrom.Can you say "p**t" on Teletext?-----
3. Work.When I venture into the gloomy Mancunian mornings at an ungodly hour, I always pass this old man in a grubby old blue coat. "Hi," I nod and he responds with "Morning morning!" and a cheerful smile. I have yet to hear him say anything else. Maybe it's all he knows. I shall never find out, I'm leaving that job on Tuesday! No more 4am starts!
Elden Ray (Bagel Free!).So Daddypoos isn't in Wigan after all.-----
4. Olympic Games variants.The Owlympic Games, for wise athletes.
The O'Lympic Games, held in Dublin.
The Ow! Limping Games, for those whose feet have recently been trodden on.
The Olympig Games, for fatties.
The Nolympic Games, best of all, for people who are unfit, lazy, clumsy, poorly co-ordinated or older than 40, in which no sport is played. Bliss!
Insane Jam Sow.The Oligarch Games are good - only Russian billionaires are welcome.-----
5. If 'Zine Had An Olympics.Mondo Ray and Daddypoos would be in the stocks, we'd see who's best at throwing pilchards at them.
There'd be a newbie judging contest, the good rewarded by Little Blue Fox with kittens and fudge. The bad would be sent into a punishment room with Princess Psycho.
I'd ask if anyone had good ideas for letters. Those who did would be rewarded with chocolate frogs. Then I would write in with all the ideas and steal all the credit.
Juicy Strawberry, Hector's House.You're our very own Lin Miaoke. -----
6. How well do you know me?There was a girl in my bedroom. When I began to undress, she made a bolt for the door. Do I mean:
a) She ran out quickly
b) She constructed a new locking mechanism for the door
c) Both of the above, they're twins
d) All of the above, they're triplets
Vote now. I already know the answer but you'll still be charged.
Paddy Irishman.Why do I feel I've stumbled into some sordid daydream?*Please vote!