An Interview with Farmer Jack.

Martin said we can make a big interview for the Discussion About Megazine thread. It would be really cool and interesting, I hope. We could ask lots of questions about Megazine and all his letters and bestest Megaziners, and also lots of other questions and word associations too.
Also, lots of questions about The Crystal Maze and Fun House and books and music too.
I hope it is a cool idea. :-[

Please does anyone want to make any questions at-all? - Please can you send them to the Megazine Letters account again. It would be *really* helpful!

Only time will tell, but there is every chance I will be a shambles. On the plus side, I will be wearing a suit and conducting myself in an interview stylee.

*An Interview With Farmer Jack.*
Questions by Barry, David-James, Jez, Paul, Strawberry and Stu, and also lots of old questions too.

Who are your bestest Mega-ziners ever?
Topper, Samurai Hedgehog, Dissimulation, Dimgirl (from the molehole), Paddy Irishman.

Who are your bestest Mega-ziners at the moment?
Paddy Irishman, as he still writes in.

Which Mega-ziners do you think are really bad and annoying?
None of them really. There are ones that wind the others up, but it's all part of the fun. If there were no 'annoying' ones, then 'Zine wouldn't be what it is/was.

Which Mega-ziners have influenced all your letters?
I'm not really sure. Topper and I used to bounce things off each other, back in the day, but when I used to write in I'd tend to just write something completely at random. If it was influenced, then I was pretty unaware of it.

Where does the inspiration for your letters come from?
Strongbow.

What types of letters do you think are really neat and cool?
Ones that are completely bizarre yet make you want to read more.

Creative and ignored or boring and famous?
Creative and ignored; although I like to think the creativity eventually becomes recognised.

How come you stopped writing to Mega-zine?
Too busy! Career, house, wife and kitten means I have a lot less time than when I used to write in. Back then all I had to think about was what time to stroll into college at, or what club to go to at night!

If you'd never found 'Zine, what would you be like now?
I really don't know. I suppose it is quite influential; after all, I wouldn't have found this place without it.

Megazine or 'Zine or The 'Zine?
Megazine.

What's the longest amount of time you had Megazine writer's block for?
A couple of months I reckon, although even if I had an idea for a letter, I would not necessarily have written it in straight away.

Do you plan on making a 'Zine comeback?
Never say never; it could be quite good fun.

Fudge or Wispa chocolate?
I was a bit disappointed when they brought back Wispa's recently. I'll still say Wispa because of how good Wispa Gold's were, but Fudge isn't far behind.

Pirates or ninjas?
Pirates.

Which is your bestest Simpsons character?
Ralph Wiggum probably edges it, or Martin.

What is your favourite Simpsons episode?
Haha - there are quite a lot of great episodes, it's hard to pick one.

What are you bestest books and movies and bands?
I'm rubbish with books. I used to like the Goosebumps ones as a kid but I've not picked up a book in years.
For films my favourite is Die Hard, but I like action stuff or comedy, as a general rule. Favourite bands, I have a few but The Rolling Stones, David Bowie, Moby and AC/DC are certainly up there.

Which is your favourite director/writer; Kevin Smith or Judd Apatow? (And you cant just pick Judd Apatow cos it sounds like a pretend fight sound effect).
I don't have a clue what they have done, sorry!

What's better, a pork pie or fish and chips?
Holy crap. Who came up with such a hard question?! I'll go for... Fish and Chips. But if it's a bad chip shop then pork pies win...Unless it's a bad pork pie shop.

What kind of animals do you keep on your farm? Or is it just arable?
I keep orange animals on my farm, such as tigers and orange pandas.

Will your spamtastic post count of VR ever be surpassed? If yes, who's gonna do it?
I think it will be surpassed at some point. I don't post just as much as I used to, and Strawberry has posted consistently the same amount each day for a good while now...

Have you started talking in a Northern Irish accent yet?
Nope! I don't live there now either, so it's unlikely!

Why Manchester United? WHY?
In all honesty, I'm not from Manchester, but I support them because my Dad is from there and I was given a Man Utd shirt and ball when I was very young. So it stuck. Plus, my family used to make a big deal of it when I got a Man Utd player in my football stickers. They're not even fans.

Who is your bestest Manchester United player ever?
Ryan Giggs. He is Man Utd. Incredible dedication and loyalty. The young players today could learn a lot from him.

Who is your worst Manchester United player ever?
I don't have a particular one, but anyone who doesn't give 100% every game and just plays for the money.

Which Liverpool players do you secretly really like? (it is ok - you can tell us...).
None of them particularly, but that's not to say I don't think they don't have talented players. I think Torres is a tremendous talent, and, on his day, as much as I dislike him, Steven Gerrard can win games on his own. A few years ago when they had Henchoz and Hyypia at the back they were tough to break down. My 'favourite' Liverpool player, if you could call it such a thing, would be Ian Rush. He was a cracking goalscorer and a nice bloke to boot, apparently.

I heard you love Keegan?
Hahahaha. No.

Which Olympic sport do you think you'd be best at?
I'm crap at running, I'm crap at swimming, I'm crap at jumping, I'm crap at most olympic stuff. I think I'd have a go at the weightlifting, but I'd be nowhere near as good as the guys that do it properly.

Pat Sharpe or Andi Peters?
Mr. Sharpe.

Fun house or Art Attack?
Fun House, but not by much I have to say.

Melanie or Martina?
They're much the same but I prefer the name Melanie.

Daddy or chips?
Chips, although my Dad's alright really.

Who do you think would win a fight out of Topper, a polar bear, a velocoraptor and Jesus?
My head says a Velociraptor but my heart says Topper because he would have a firework gun.

Have you ever thought about taking your comedy double act with Alex Topper onto the next level and turning pro? You could be the next Cannon and Ball...
I have thought about it and the answer is that we should do it. The first show shall be held on the moon.

How's married life treating you?
Rather well, many thanks.

Would you forget all your memories about Sarah for a day with Ryan Giggs and also to be a contestant on the Crystal Maze with Richard O'Brien and no nautical zone, and also 30 minutes in the Fun House fun house?
Hahaha. Yes, but don't tell her.

Please do you think the Government should use the Crystal Dome for prisoners instead of regular prisons? - It would be so cool, I think - they would not be really lazy and relaxy because it is lots of giant fans and also it is pretty small too. It would teach them not to park on double yellow lines and kill people for looking at them funny, I think!
One thing's for sure, it would make a great reality TV show.

Please can you tell everyone a secret secret about you?
On my wedding day I sneaked off with a pint of cider and went outside on my own and sat on a bench for five minutes. To be honest, that's about as secretive as I get.

Name something really popular that you hate.
Microsoft Windows.

Name something really hated that you like.
Jimmy Carr, although in truth I only know Scott that hates him.

What is your earliest memory?
I remember things from barely any age. I can remember having dreams when I wasn't even able to talk. I couldn't pinpoint the earliest memory, but I remember my mum coming to check on me when I used to sleep in a cot, so that's going back quite a long time ago.

Who in your family are you closest to?
Wife.

With which historical figure do you identify?
None.

What are your best qualities?
I'm quite laid back; I think that's useful sometimes. I'm honest and genuine as well.

What is your most embaressing moment?
Ah I don't get embarrassed very easily. I'm not avoiding the question deliberately, but I can't think of anything at all.

If you appeared on Jerry Springer, what would your episode be about?
It'd be about my best mates and their inability to get women!

Would you accept a million pounds to leave the country and never set foot in it again?
I think I probably would, yes.

If there was a public execution on TV, would you watch it?
I reckon I would.

What's your favourite word for 'thank you' from any language?
Merci, I think, because Sarah used to say it a lot and I thought it was odd but endearing.

If you formed a band, what would you call it?
Megabollocks.

If you were a robot, what robot would you really want to be?
An invisible one from another planet.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years time?
Hopefully with a house paid off and living comfortably and happily. I'd quite like my own graphics business, but it's very competitive and there isn't a lot of money in it in my current area.

*Word Association.*
- ANBY...Boulder. (Because I always think of a photograph of him stood on some big spherical stone thing).
- DeLorean that got struck by lightning...Entertaining.
- Dissimulation...Hilarious.
- Dr Namgge...Bizarre!
- Elden Ray...Gymnast.
- Freshly Squeezed Cynic...Satirical.
- Girlpants...Drums.
- Haryuu No Hanekata...Hats.
- Insane Jam Sow...Yellow. (His website was/is yellow)
- Junior Minister...Geordie.
- Little Blue Fox...Dedicated.
- Loony Pandora...Geniune.
- Mancomb Seepgood...Indie (I don't even know if he's into Indie).
- One Winged Angel...Artist.
- Pablo Marmite...Misunderstood.
- Paddy Irishman...Creative.
- Pyjama Princess...Poetry.
- Satan's Little Helper...Missing.
- Smashed Strawberry, Hector's House...Library.
- Squirrel of Doom...Leeds.
- TheUnitedTruth...Leicester.
- Topper...Excellent.
- Vigilante Maelstrom...Guitar.
- WLW...Woolworths.

Haha, nice one. What would you choose?

Eat the lot, probably