An Interview With Topper.

i didn't say it had to be big

*An Interview With Topper.*
Questions by Amy, Colin, David-James and Strawberry.

Who are your bestest Mega-ziners ever?
Farmer Jack is almost probably definitely my favourite 'Ziner of all time due to his love for the inane and daft, which is highly important for any 'Ziner. 'Zine's not the place for serious discussion and debate, it's a place for surreal squiggly word goo and pointless lists.
Farmer Jack then, to answer the question, although my good friend Phil (Zaganza) is a very funny human being and if his short attention span had allowed him to contribute in a more sustained manner, he'd most definitely be challenging Martin.

Who are your bestest Mega-ziners at the moment?
Now, this question would require me to actually read 'Zine, which is something I do not. It was not a conscious decision, mind you, it wasn't like I suddenly went "No way, man, 'Zine's a pile of winkys, I'm not reading it anymore!" I just gradually drifted away from it.
I imagine Colin and Jammy would be my faves though if I did read it, as I know they still contribute on a regular basis

Which Mega-ziners do you think are really bad and annoying?
Well, when I did read 'Zine, it would have to be Emma the Lil' Angel - surely the most arrogant and pointless 'Ziner to ever send in a letter? I don't mind sh*te letters so much as they make the good ones look even better and the good 'Ziners get even more recognition but it was her general "I'm a radio star, I'm so successful, I'm a 'Zine legend" b*ll*cks which really infuriated me. Give me Spiky Stuy anyday over her.

Which Mega-ziners have influenced all your letters?
None have influenced my letters really as my influences came from things outside of 'Zine, i.e comedy, people, situations etc

Where does the inspiration for your letters come from?
I think the above answer vaguely answers that, but to be a bit more specific, it used to be conversations with friends, things I'd notice in everyday life, conversations overheard on the bus, dreams, television and even music that'd give me ideas.

Do/did you ever write 'Zine letters whilst at work?
I used to contribute to 'Zine when I was back at sixth form college and at Uni so I only had a part-time job at Somerfield at that point. I might do now if I ever started writing in again, because I do dislike my job.

Where is Zaganza - he was one of my bestest 'Ziners ever.
He was indeed. He's currently living with his girlfriend in Loughborough and working in I.T, which, frankly, was always going to be the case. I doubt I could make him start 'Zining again, especially if I wasn't even sending in letters myself!

Please are you going to make any more Topper letters ever? - You could write letters with a different name - no-one would know it is you!
I did for a while as Stuttercut and there was a period I was contributing under both names, I even had letters from both printed on the same day. However, I think my 'Zine days are done now to be honest, plus, with my ageing years, my once fine imagination has withered into a ball of cynical putty.

What types of letters do you think are really neat and cool?
I get the feeling all of the questions so far have been yours, DJ :p Anyway, I used to love letters which were fixed very firmly in the realm of nonsense, letters which take fairly ordinary things and give them a totally surreal twist. Hence why I used to love Martin's letters so much

Creative and ignored or boring and famous?
That's like picking between a kick in the balls and a kick in the shins. Obviously, therefore, I'd pick the shins.

Fudge or Minstrels?
Is this a genuine offer? Wait a second, is this question implying I'm gay? I have a real life girlfriend who is most definitely not a wild overcompensation for my homo urges. Some schools would class this as bullying

What's your favourite chocolate bar?
Double Decker. You should have given me a choice between a Double Decker and a Boost, that would have been a more apt choice for me.

Which is your bestest Simpsons character?
Homer, he's the greatest invention in the history of television, after the television itself obviously

Karl or Lenny?
Lenny as he's the more pathetic of the two and I like that in a character

What are your bestest books and movies and bands?
Books? The books mentioned in the following question, plus anything by Terry Pratchett and Bill Bryson - 'A Short History of Nearly Everything' being particularly amazing

Dirk Gently books or Hitch-hikers Guide to the Galaxy books?
Who's a better writer? You've confused me a bit there. I would say the character of Dirk Gently is funnier than Zaphod, Arthur or even Marvin, but the Hitchiker series gives an amazing glimpse into Douglas' emotional and mental well-being over the years of the books and the plot encapsulates so much genuine intelliegence and creativity, I'd have to say the Hitchiker series pips it

When and how do 'Zine letter ideas come to you? Do you note them down?
I'll have to answer in the past tense again here really, but yeah, ideas would just hit me as I remembered conversations and nuggets of informations etc and I'd type them up into an e-mail straight away if I were at home or just make a note in my phone or whatever.

If you'd never found 'Zine, what would you be like now?
Probably a bit older

Describe 'Zine in five words, one of which is 'ketchup', at least three of which are not.
This one almost certainly isn't a DJ question, which is a relief (no offence! I'm just glad someone else waned to ask me a question!). Right, well, KETCHUP would certainly be one, the rules seem to state as much, and FUNNY would be another, slightly dull one, as it was, on the whole. Thirdly, I will pick SEXY, as there were quite a few horny little teenagers out there almost certainly knocking one out whilst reading letters from 'Ziners they had a crush on, probably Samurai Hedgehog. Fourth, I will pick DRAINING as once you made a reputation for yourself, it was quite mentally draining trying to outdo your previous letters. Only I could feel pressure from 'Zine. Fifth would be KETCHUP, as on at least one occasion I was smothered in the stuff whilst typing a letter to 'Zine.

Which 'Zine letters have made you, as they say, 'roffle'? Has WLW ever made you 'roffle'?
I don't think it's possible for a mentally stable human to do such a thing

Did your old TV's remote control have all the designs on the buttons used to get to 'Zine fade? Mine did.
We are kindred spirits, oh anonymous questioneer!

If you had to construct something using only flat pack furniture, silly string and chicken wire what would it be?
Some sort of elaborate den for myself to hide away from the horrible grown-up world out there.

Do you think it is more likely penguins could take over the world or that elephants would?
Apparently, if all the penguins in the world got together and came at us in a kind of horrible sort of wave of cute evil, they'd out-number us 3 to 1. That's a lie, most probably, but I reckon there are loads of penguins we've not even found out about.

How does Topper differ from Alex?
One is an exaggerated form of the other, whilst the other smothers himself in ketchup.

If Topper was a fruit, which would he be?
A coconut, obviously.

Name something really popular that you hate.
Fighting!

Name something really hated that you like.
Russell Brand...

What's the worst idea ever?
CFCs, which is the most serious answer you'll be getting from me today.

What's the best idea ever?
The Double Decker.

What earphones do you use?
Just my standard iPod shuffle ones at the moment, but I'm going to invest in some big, fat ones that are painfully over-expensive.

Flip a coin - did you get heads or tails?
Heads.

When you flip a coin, which do you more often hope for?
Heads

What's your favourite leaf?
Ones that have the favourable benefit of not hiding dog sh*t underneath.

What's your favourite word for 'thank you' from any language?
Adios.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Albert Einstein - not because I'm intelligent, I just think, woah, I hope someday, my hair can be quite so electrified

What's your earliest memory?
First day of Reception class at Primary school - I was walking along a corridor to the classroom holding hands with the teacher absolutely sh*tting myself (not literally, mind).

Which person from your family are you closest to?
Mum.

If a spaceship appeared and aliens invited you to spend 5 years on their planet, would you go?
It would have a half-tempting edge to it, but it'd involve imparting a lot of trust to these chaps and frankly, I'd miss my girlfriend

Have you ever said "I love you" and not meant it?
Actually, no, well, not to a person anyway

What are your worst habits?
I can do backwards farting. Great party-trick, but apparently it "lowers the tone" when you're eating out in a posh restauraunt.

What are your best qualities?
I'm an affable chap on the whole.

How did you feel when you won the Ultimate Ziner thing?
If I'm honest I knew I'd at least get to the semi-finals but winning it was a surprise and I was actually, honestly, deeply honoured as there have been a lot of 'Ziners over the years.

*Word Association.* (Please can you think of a word to describe everyone),
- ANBY...hug
- DeLorean that got struck by lightning...Tim
- Dr Namgge...Ache
- Earl Jones Junior...Posh
- Elden Ray...Sharp
- Farmer Jack...Giggle
- Freshly Squeezed Cynic...Clever
- Haryuu No Hanekata...Atishyoo
- Helga Hufflepuff's Hat...Who?
- Insane Jam Sow...Legend
- Junior Minister...Solid
- Little Blue Fox...Likable
- Lord Sebastian Flyte...Pup
- Mancomb Seepgood/Lewis Gumdrops...Scotland
- Miss Whiskers...Pussy
- One Winged Angel...God
- Paddy Irishman...Chuckle
- Princess Psycho...Psycho
- Psychic Potato...Psychic
- Satan's Little Helper...Ginger
- Smashed Strawberry, Hector's House...Forever
- TheUnitedTruth...Underrated
- Vigilante Maelstrom...Mushroom
- Zaganza...Friend

we need more of these. I promise i'll submit some questions next time!

Yay. It is really cool lots of people think they are really good.