Random Notebook Letters.

As some people might know, I started writing to Mega-zine in 1993. I keep notebooks of Mega-zine letters. I don't have every letter, just selected highlights. I'm going to post some today, and then I might post some more tomorrow. Or in a few days.

443 Teletext 443 Jun 3
Mega-zine

REPLY TO THE FRESH PRINCESS OF PAIGNTON

I really agree with the Fresh Princess of Paignton. I think it is pathetic; men being dependent on the submissiveness of women, who aren't lazy.

But as River Phoenix once said: There's such a thing as women's liberation- she doesn't have to be a slave.

Smashed Strawberry, Hector's House
6/7
Yeah, sisters unite!!!

(The River Phoenix quotation is from I Love You
To Death.)

Who you are tomorrow depends on today.
Philosophy Speculator

Sunday, the 31st of January, 1999; 1/5.

(I didn't always write down WLW's replies.)

FOR THE ZINERS

So original in her black
Listening to some obscure band
But isn't she upset that all the other non-conformists
Listen to that same obscure band...
Isn't it a wonderful world, Carolina?
Look at all the birds in the sky,
Jehovah made this for you, Carolina.
So isn't it wonderful to be alive?

Alien in a Space suit; 22nd of May, 1999; 5/5.

I once thought I astrally projected across the playground, but I woke up and found it was a dream.
Scentless Apprentice; Friday, the 18th of June,
1999; 3/3.

Now we should pay tribute to the underdog of the kitchen, the Sean Moore of the Manic cooking world, the humble EGGCUP!
Stove's Secret Thinker; Thursday, the 8th of July,
1999; 4/5.

I'm not sure, but I think I used to only write down bits of the letters. That's enough for today.

I have the worst town ever... Cwmbran. The most famous thing to come from our town is Helen from Big Brother, so I think that my town wins hands down.
Cwmbran is also building the biggest Woolworths in Britain, so it is going to be the leading place for the gathering of Steps and other weirdos. Also, our football has lost against Celtic 10-0 and against Manchester United 9-1 as well. So come visit Cwmbran and be bored.
Colonel Mustard

Biggest Woolies in Britain? Imagine the pic'n'mix!

Sunday, the 22nd of July, 2001; 2/8.

ZINERS

Stop the debate. WLW is not a man or a woman... IT is an asexual being from outer space.
It is using Zine to send subconscious messages to all Ziners, so that when the alien invasion starts, we will be powerless to resist and the Earth will be overrun. HAH! I have foiled your evil plan, WLW. I, The Despotic Banana, am saviour of the human race (is that a good thing?).
The Despotic Banana

Drat! Back to the intergalactic drawing board.

It was written on a Wednesday, but I didn't write the rest of the date down. It was on page 5/8.

KIDS' TV
Have we mentioned the fabulous Moomins? I loved Little Mi, she was so sweet and innocent, until she opened her big gob, just like me. I admire anyone who is prone to throwing bigger temper tantrums than me. Only she and Brian Molko beat me, but that's another story.
Snufking was also a top man. If only men were really like him, I might have got somewhere. All that fresh air and sleeping under the stars.
Black Widow

The Moomins passed me by, I'm afraid- I'll check my cable TV guide!

Sunday, the 29th of July, 2001; 7/8.

If ya want my body, and ya think I'm sexy; come on Davord, let me know.
Happy Squirer

Oi, oi! That's quite enough.

Am I mad in thinking that the world would be a better place if it were purple?
Sweet Smell Of Psychosis

You are, indeed, well and truly bonkers.

Monday, the 30th of July, 2001; 1/8.

Because I'm very lazy
... and can't be bothered writing loads of mails to Zine, I shall make many small points:
Best kids' TV programme is Magic Roundabout. It rocks.
2: I believe WLW to be a woman and WLW Towers is
in Bingley.
3: My nickname is Maguise (beat that!)
4: Gnomes are better than flower that Thing.
5: What's so cool about paper clips? Have you never seen a split pin? A new debate then... paper clips vs split pins.
Maguise

Bingley? Where'd that come from? Bingley indeed.

Monday, the 30th of July, 2001; 2/8.

The sorry state of my financial affairs has meant that I've never been able to afford the stamp to send a letter to Zine, despite the fact that I have read it for about a year.
When Fluffy gave out the e-mail address, my heart sang. Anyway, for the ultimate oxymoron debate, how about this: a Trendy passed me and a group of about 10 of my friends and said: "Hey- it's the loners' group!"
Your Local Fish Food Dealer

Not the brightest bunch, are they? Dunno whether to laugh
or cry.

Monday, the 30th of July, 2001; 7/8.

Here is a letter from The Void:

My mum doesn't do too bad in this cool parents lark. I've taken her to MSP, the Delgados, Idlewild, Coldplay and backstage at T In The Park and she's loved them all.
Astrid Homegrown

The Void; Tuesday, the 31st of July, 2001; 5/12.

(I have both issues of Astrid's fanzine, Homegrown. It was a MSP zine.)

My grandad is 60 and has albums by De La Soul, Beatles, Mondays, Oasis, 808 State, Verve and Ash. He saw Stone Roses at Spike Island 12 years ago and has roadied for The Charlatans. He's that cool that he still wears his limited Ian Brown Is Innocent T-shirt from 1991. What a man! Dermo
No more cool relatives, please.

The Void; Tuesday, the 31st of July, 2001; 5/12.

Quote: Smashed_Strawberry

Do you ever go to conventions to meet your European counterparts? For the Teletext Christmas party (if there is one), do you go with the other trendies from Club and the guys from Planet Sound? Or do you just stay in and watch TV with Davord?
When Zine first started out, did trendies ever write in? Did Zine ever bear a resemblance to B*ckch*t? So
many questions.
Queen of the Troubled Teens

Woah there- resemblance to B*ckch*t? Are you bonkers?
No... never!
White Line Warrior

and look at it now

The Holy Bible

I recently got The Holy Bible by the Manics (for only £6.99!). As well as controversially LIKING their music, I now understand such names as Self Obsession Honey and A Boy Called Rita.

Being the proud owner of Generation Terrorists, one could call me a Manics fan. However, to get my backside BACK on the fence, I don't like what they've become, the political pretentiousness, and it's safe to say I'm not attracted to James Dean Bradfield.
Onyx

Good heavens, it's been a while since we dissed MSP, hasn't it?

Friday, the 31st of August, 2001; 5/8.

Ziners

You know, I didn't expect to see any goths in Italy, but come to the last day, I saw two. In Pompeii. At 40
degrees centigrade!

Well, she was just some girl with paper clips around her neck, she might just have been a weirdo- the other must have been passing out from her black get-up.
Neither was Italian.
Sir Whence Pitchfork

Sounds like a gag, doesn't it? 'These two goths
in Pompeii'.

31st of August, 2001; 6/8.

Some Useless Facts You Never Wanted To Know
About... Me!

* Machine Head are my favourite band.
* I can't stand cats.
* I find the whole concept of cheese deeply fascinating.
* Protective Sheet is my brother.
* Heartbreak High is really groovy.
* My favourite Ziner is Milton and Me.

Cradle Of Cheese

Can't stand cats? CAN'T STAND CATS? Weirdo.

Friday, the 5th of October, 2001; 7/8.

Hi Again.

The Ziner imitation scandal has gone international! In Ireland, the National TV company have a page called Viewpoint. The best way to describe it is B*ckch*t with an Irish accent.
Anyway, I saw Karma Policewoman's name plagiarised on it the other day. Unless it actually was her, of course. Anyway, is it me or has the whole world gone mad?
The Dark Blue Penguin of Despair

Viewpoint? Oh Lordy, as if the evil that is B*ckch*t
wasn't enough.

Monday, the 8th of October, 2001; 4/8.

Attention!

I have made a new, groundbreaking discovery! There's a guy at my college, and the unfortunate fellow looks like Fred Durst. One day, he came in, wearing what appeared to be hairy goat trousers, i.e.: he looked like Pan, the half-man/ half-goat devil.

Therefore, I can draw the conclusion that Fred Durst is, indeed, Satan.
Broccoli The Evil One

D*mn! And I was convinced, after years of study, that it was H from Steps.

Monday, the 8th of October, 2001; 8/8.

BLAZING MATCHBOX

You're thinking of 5 children and It. That was great! I remember it well. There was one episode where they asked for wings and flew to the top of the church tower, fell asleep and the sun set so they lost their wings and were stuck up there!

It wasn't a fictional proramme though, all that really happened. I know because the furry thing lives in the field behind my house now and grants all my wishes! No, really, it does!
Miss World

Now that's not true, is it? He doesn't really live there, does he?

Sunday, the 29th of July, 2001; 8/8.

Quote: Insane_Jam_Sow

These are really good - you were taking full notes at the time I'd just begun to write down names for the 'Ziners List (deceased). Reminds me how 'Zine used to be, so long ago...

Thanks, Ian.

BLAZING MATCHBOX

I remember the kids' series about the magical sand fairy too. It was an early '90s show called Five Children And It.

The creature that could grant wishes was called the Psammead. My turn to ask a question now- can anyone tell me anything about the Singing Cactus from an episode of Fraggle Rock? It really scared me!
Miss MacPhisto

Singing cactus? No. The Singing Bush in The Three
Amigos- definitely!

Monday, the 30th of July, 2001; 3/8.

ZINERS

I thought we lived in a politically correct, non-judging world (maybe not).

Watching the Disney Channel, I realised how wrong I was. Dragonslayer was the evening movie and, oh what a surprise, the dragon was portrayed as evil. This is insulting to us dragons. Some of us are very nice. To add insult to injury, the dragon was blown to smithereens. Granted, it was funny when he ate the priest. But still!
Silvan Draconis

Go and see Shrek! Not only is it cool, but the dragon gets a good press.


Tuesday, the 31st of July, 2001; 3/8.

MY TURN!

Name: Crusty the Cabbage.
Age: Must be quite old if I'm crusty.
Town: Middlesborough.
Favourite celebrity chef: Jamie Oliver.
Hobbies: Being crusty, sleeping in a field under a tree during a thunderstorm and generally scaring others in
my school.
Personal Statement: Cookies!
Worst B*ckch*t Letter Ever: I have a passion for playing the organ, does anyone else...?
Crusty the Cabbage

I went to Middlesborough once- just the once, mind!

Tuesday, the 31st of July, 2001; 7/8.

Captain Planet, he's a hero, brings pollution down to zero! I remember it!
Dezzriella

Good ol' Cap'n Planet, eh?

Wednesday, the 1st of August, 2001; 1/8.

10 Things That Would Look So Much Better Pink
And Sparkly

1)  Minis
2) Kittens
3)Flares
4) Black (too dark, not enough pink or sparkle)
5) Grass
6) Chickens
7) Pikachu
Eight) Chocolate
9) My bass guitar
10) WLW
A Pink Sparkly Fraggle

Not sure about pink and sparkly kittens and neither
is Mavis!

Thursday, the 2nd of August, 2001; 2/8.

WLW

I have a new friend, a carnivorous plant with a horribly long Latin name and he eats flies. I have named
him Fluffy.

Please note this has nothing to do with Fluffy The Evil One. I don't think he is green and drowns and digests flies in jug-shaped liquid-filled flowers. Besides, Fluffy TEO would never fit on a window ledge.
Milton (and me)

I'm pretty sure he wouldn't- he's eight"9, you know!

Thursday, the 2nd of August, 2001; 3/8.

I know he's not a cool parent but I know a priest who listens to Soulfly, Metallica, Sepultura, Fear Factory and Silverchair.
Henger

The Void; Monday, the 30th of July, 2001; 3/11.

LITTER
If we all dropped more litter, this would cause some major improvements. More litter means more people have to be paid to pick it up... thus ending unemployment. It's
Keynesian economics.
Let's create jobs and make the world a better place. Abolish litter bins! Keep Britain untidy!
The Psychedelic Gloom

Of course, we here at WLW Towers do not condone
such behaviour!

Wednesday, the 1st of August, 2001; 3/8.

I'm glad MSP's Know Your Enemy isn't in the Mercury List. I mean, if The Holy Bible didn't win, what's the point?
Tracey; The Void; Thursday, the 2nd of August, 2001; 5/12.

Nahid should get Now That's What I Call Lovely, Is It and be proved wrong. Tom Jones, Kelly Jones, Aled Jones, Grace Jones, Shirley Bassey, Bonnie Tyler, Cerys Matthews and Charlotte Church and Lisa Steps sing Welsh standards like Myfanwy, Calon Ian and The Toll On The Severn Bridge Has Gone Up Again
Valley Boy

The Void; Thursday, the 2nd of August, 2001; 8/12.

A girl at my school wears KoRn sweaters, but doesn't actually listen to them. She says she only wears them as everybody else does. Is it just me that gets irritated by that sort
of thing?
Honey Spider

The Void; Thursday, the 2nd of August, 2001; 9/12.

The 12TH LEMON
Monkey Island! Brilliant! I thought nobody else had heard of it! And something that I'm finding increasingly  irritating when I read Zine is this fabled Pigeon Street. As far as I can remember, it was Pigeon LANE. And the best thing about Pigeon Lane was Long Distance Clara! The first famous female truck driver. She was a demon.
1929

I have absolutely no idea what the blue blazers yer on about here!

Thursday, the 2nd of August, 2001; 6/8.

New topic: most embarrassing moment at a gig. Seeing JJ72 at Leeds last year, one of my friends thought it'd be a good idea to ask Hilary to show everyone her chest. This led to virtually the whole venue booing my mate, while I laughed in his face. Hilary turned her back to the crowd and wasn't the same for the rest of the gig.
Drlozbaker

Ooh, good topic. Having got to the front at REM's Milton Keynes gig in '95, Earls fainted in the heat during the first song. The big puff.

The Void; Friday, the 3rd of August, 2001; 4/12.

Check out Lostprophets for a decent Welsh band. See them on tour if you can. I've met them- it was quite fun talking to one of the band members stood in a kebab shop.
Bobzarkoff

The Void; Friday, the 3rd of August, 2001; 8/12.

YOUR DAILY RANTS

Nahid should try to be more topical when she slates bands. She missed the boat to diss Don't Cha, as Pussycat Dolls released it in December last year. Baby Grumpling

The Doc is spot on about The Posies' classic Frosting On The Beater. Such a great band, so sadly underrated. Their singer, Jon Auer, has just released his debut solo album, Songs From The Year Of Our Demise and that's also amazing. Markyboy

The Void; Thursday, the 8th of June, 2006; 1/9.

Mega-zine
Isn't it odd that Zine's Kids' TV debate began just weeks before C4 started to advertise for the "100 Greatest Kids' TV Programmes"?
So who started it, eh? Coincidental, or are they really just a middle-aged C4 exec called Geoff, trying to get us to vote on the site in hordes? Confess!
The Unhappy Octopus

You mean... we've been infiltrated by... Geoff? The Geoff?

Wednesday, the 8th of August, 2001; 3/8.

Teachers
Everyone seems to have had really cool teachers... but I had the best teacher ever! Richey Edwards taught me chemistry! I'm so sure of it. He used to talk about the Manics, eating disorders and obscure Japanese art.
Once we asked a simple chemistry-related question and he didn't know the answer! As well as this, he had Richey's hands and eyes and only ever rolled his right sleeve up.
Miss World

That's nothing, the Pope taught me RE! OK, that's a lie... sorry.

Mega-zine; Thursday, the 9th of August, 2001; 8/8.

At a Mansun gig last year, I thought it would be funny to throw a furry thong stagewards. I watched in horror as the garment landed on Chad's head during Being A Girl, got shaken off and kicked to Paul, who laughed and denied responsibility.
Muffy

The Void; Friday, the 10th of August, 2001; 9/12.

Anyone know anything about Quantic, who I've heard good reports on? As for famous people, my dad used to live near Bob Marley's mum and was annually invited to a beach barbeque attended by Bob. My dad met Paul McCartney at one of 'em.
Matthew

The Void; 11th of August, 2001; 2/12.

Top Five Movie Animals
1 Dancing Gopher Candyshack
2 Killer Bunny Monty Python & The Holy Grail
3 Mr Bigglesworth Austin Powers
4 Gizmo Gremlins
5 Demon Dogs Ghostbusters
Anyone want to add to this?
Silvan Draconis

Does the donkey in Shrek counyt? The Eddie Murphy thing? The best!

Friday, the 10th of August, 2001; 4/8.

Ziners
Why is it that, by default, every human being, male or female, short or tall, fat or thin... everyone is expected to support a football team.
I'm male and don't support a team- I never have done. People ask me who I support and I say, "I don't support anyone, apart from my friends". They say: "You must support someone?" Nope, sorry.
Is it entirely unacceptable not to?
Frank The Potato

Yes, entirely unacceptable. Prem season starts in eight days!

Friday, the 10th of August, 2001; 3/8.

Top Ten Songs That Make Me Cry

1) 4st 7lb Manic Street Preachers
2) How To Disappear Radiohead
3) Last Night I Dreamed That Somebody Loved Me
The Smiths
4) All You Need Is Love The Beatles
5) Imagine John Lennon
6) One U2
7) Sunflower Paul Weller
Eight) My Sweet Lord George Harrison
9) Pyramid Song Radiohead
10) The Drugs Don't Work The Verve

Rob Stubbs

The Void; 29th of December, 2001; 3/12.

Snow

That's right. Snow in the middle of England. I emerged from the heaven I call bed to look out of the window and find cold, white snow covering the vicinity. Plus a couple of townies throwing snowballs at each other.
After careful research, I have come to the conclusion that the townies call this fun. Unbelievable.

The Chicken Who Crossed The Road

A snowball fight or bed. Not exactly a tough choice, is it?

Monday, the 31st of December, 2001 (don't know
the page).

Ziners

OK, so, this is my little plea for a perfect Zine boyfriend.

He must be around 15, single, into great music like Smashing Pumpkins/ Nirvana/ Beatles, enjoy Christmas, be funny, not the Man with the Golden Bun.

Any offers

Angelic Entity

You'll be flooded with offers, though you may wanna rethink The Beatles.

Thursday, the 27th of December, 2001; 6/8.

WLW

I object to you making fun of The Beatles. Here are some of my reasons for liking them:
1 I like their music.
2 A few years ago, I read that River Phoenix liked
The Beatles.
3 I'm from Wigan and I think it's cool they once
played there.

Squashed Strawberry, Hector's House

I read that Dale Winton loves Steps- you think I'm gonna buy a CD?

Thursday, the 10th of January, 2002; 2/8.

I Want To Be A Tree

If I was a tree,
how happy I would be
If I was a tree,
I could stand around for cent-ur-ies
If I was a tree,
I really would be happy.
Because if I was a tree,
I would not need a nappy.

Well, it rhymes.

Jezza (The Hairy One)

Yes. It rhymes. Just. Not much else you can say, really.

Sunday, the 27th of January, 2002; 4/8.

Bah

After a very long and painstaking search, I have made a list of Brandon Boyd of Incubus's faults:

1) He has weird hair.
2) I doubt he can do a Beavis and Butthead impression (I can).
3) I'm willing to bet large sums of money he doesn't play a harmonica.
I'm afraid that's it. D*MN HIM! I'm a girl and I'm jealous.
Milton and me

Weird hair? What exactly is that? Are we talking pink and tousled?

Sunday, the 27th of January, 2002; 6/8.

PEOPLE OF ZINE

I have gone insane since my departure from Zine to foreign lands, but now I have returned. What I have learned:

1. With every drink you order with your meal, you get a free refill.
2. Never go to the toilet in Chinatown.
3. Do not pee in a pool in Canada- there is a special pee detector which turns it purple, along with your butt.
4. You say "Thank you," they say "You're welcome"- always!
5. Niagara Falls is scary!
Fairy Cake

An invaluable guide to Canada- suddenly, Canadians make sense.

Wednesday, the 15th of August, 2001; 6/8.

Yay! The annoying disco man's playing Depeche Mode!
Dark Grey Wolf of Norbex

Yay for the annoying disco man!

Thursday, the 16th of August, 2001; 1/8.

MEGA-ZINE

For your eyes only- a list of great things which are yellow:

1. Lemons (did you know that only 1 in 30 people enjoy the taste of these?).
2. The Yellow Pages (we would be lost without them).
3. My boyfriend's hair (nice to stroke, not
suggesting anything).
4. The Simpsons.
5. Me!
Yellow Jello

And sunshine! Although people's fashion sense goes out of the window.

Friday, the 17th of August, 2001; 5/8.

TIME DELAY

WLW and Davord- why do my Zine letters take three weeks to get on screen? My last Zine letter asking questions took three weeks to appear on these great Teletext pages. Do my letters get stuck in another dimension before arriving at WLW Towers?
Dr Lozbaker

PS: What do you think of Less Than Jake?

This arrived August 1st! Only 17 days! Less than Jake? Less than average.

Friday, the 17th of August, 2001; 7/8.

TRANSFORMERS

So, I'm not the only one who still has copies of the Transformers movies.

I can still remember the theme song that a bunch of sheep sang:
"Ba ba ba, Transformers, robots in the sky
Ba ba ba, Transformers, more than meets the eye..." I could go on forever!
The Radioactive Peanut

Please don't... no, really.

Wednesday, the 22nd of August, 2001; 6/8.

I think it's "Robots in disguise". There is a band called Robots In Disguise.

ZINERS

Why do people hate gingers? I mean, how many bad gingers can you think of? Was Hitler ginger? Attila the Hun? I think not. In fact, only two come to mind- Chris Evans and Baron Vladimir Harkonnen.

Still, all Chris Evans did was make a child cry, treat his staff like dirt and effectively destroy Billie's career. As for Baron Harkonnen, he isn't gonna be around for
another 24,000 games.
Princess Psycho

Effectively destroyed Billie's career? Hmm... give him a medal, I say.

Thursday, the 23rd of August, 2001; 2/8.

TEN REALLY COOL THINGS

1. My girlfriend
2. Bagpuss mugs
3. Dark Grey Wolf of Norbex
4. Black and gold
5. Candles
6. Edgar Allan Poe
7 The Cure
8 Anyone who destroys mobile phones
9 Anyone without a mobile phone.
10. WLW's hair.
Plughole Fantasy

Oh yes... mobile phones- don't get me started again.

Thursday, the 23rd of August, 2001. (I don't think I wrote the page down.)

Ziners
After all this talk about old cartoons and kids' TV programmes, I feel that it is my duty to inform you that I have a Button Moon video and the Transformers movie, if anyone would like to come over and watch them.
Shall we say next Thursday? I have milk and cookies.
The Digital Dominator

I'm there! I'll go anywhere for milk and cookies...
even Tottenham!

Tuesday, the 7th of August, 2001; 2/8.

WHERE ARE THERE NOW?

Once, they were really famous. No, they've vanished completely. Does anyone know the whereabouts of Brett Anderson? Mr Spoon? Mr Jolly off Playdays? The Sultans of Ping? Richard and Judy?
There are so many other vanished celebrities. I have conducted a search of my local area and located several previously lost celebs, and a few just recognisable stars from past eras.
The Snorkmistress

Check your local 'hotspots', kids- parks, supermarkets,
betting shops.

Wednesday, the 15th of August, 2001; 5/8.

ALL THINGS BELGIAN

Belgium is not renowned for being interesting (chocolate and Poirot being its claims to fame). However, to my astonishment, while on holiday there, we drove past a theme park named 'Plopsaland,' with a sign in
huge letters.
Are they serious? Granted, it was about a kilometre from the French border, but still...
Insane Jam Sow

I hardly dare ask this next question- can anyone
enlighten us?

Wednesday, the 15th of August, 2001; 7/8.

The Duck In The Hat

I am proud to say that I have been to the Packaging Museum- it's in Gloucester. It is, indeed, the most boring museum, but there was a temporary display of Barbies, which kept
me happy.

You are lucky that you only saw the video. I'm not too sure what it was about the Packaging Museum that excited my graphics teacher so much?
The Violent Faerie Queen

So, anyone gonna own up to going to The Lawnmower Museum yet? No?

Thursday, the 29th of November, 2001; 3/8.

THE UNITED TRUTH

OK, here are some things to do in Leicester! Woohoo!
1 Marvel at the selection of cr*ppy statues, such as the knitting woman and the sport (shudder) statue!
2 Go to the market and ride the moving walkway- over
and over!
3 Talk to me- please! I have no friends or life...
I'm desperate!

Secluded Rainbow

I'm growing to love Leicester more and more each day.

Thursday, the 13th of December, 2001; 3/8.

WLW

Thank you so much for printing me, my dear. It has made my day entirely. Just one thing, though. Please tell the kiddies I'm a girl! They're nice kiddies; I'm sure they'll understand.

Anyway, my birthday is on May 17. I'm sending this in advance to make sure it gets printed on time. If you want to get me something nice, buy me a llama. Llamas are cool.
Milton and Me

But they're smelly and they spit- actually, not
unlike Spurs fans.

Wednesday, the 12th of December, 2001; 7/8.

TITULAR CORRECTNESS

I've found that the proper term for a paperboy or girl is a News And Media Courier and a binman should be referred to as an Environmental Cleanliness Officer.

So what's your politically correct title, WLW? How about Teletext Correspondent Broadcaster or Chief Televisual Debate Promote Executive?

Spherical Crouton

I don't think they make business cards big enough.

Friday, the 16th of November, 2001; 8/8.

MEGAZINE

I think I've found the winner of the most boring award... the packaging museum! I don't know where it is, but it was shown on a video in my graphics lesson.

Just what possesses someone to start up a packaging museum, full of ancient crisp wrappers and a display of HP sauce bottles through the ages?

The Duck In The Hat

The kind of people you cross the street to avoid!

Sunday, the 18th of November, 2001; 5/8.  

WLW

I can now say that, thanks to Zine, I'm famous, which surprises me, as I don't even know who I am half the time.

Someone in a chat room actually recognised me as Pablo Marmite, "that guy off Zine". So, should someone called Girl From Mars show up, be nice to her. In the meantime, I'm off to sign autographs and get generally big-headed.
Pablo Marmite

You can see what I can do for you? No end to my powers,
no end.

Monday, the 19th of November, 2001; 8/8.

THINGS I WISH HADN'T BEEN INVENTED

1) Anne Robinson
2) School
3) B*ckch*t
4) Garlic
5) Rolf Harris
6) Neighbours
7) Any Japanese cartoon ending in 'mon'
Eight) Reebok classics
9) Hear'Say, Spice Girls, Charlotte Church etc
10) People who say Zena is spelt with an X (oh wait, it
is... oops).
Satan's Rubber Duck

I'd like to add Limp Bizkit, spiders and Dale Winton.
Thank you.

Tuesday, the 20th of November, 2001; 3/8.


MANCHESTER MEETING

Yes, that's right, there's another one. It's on January 26, 2002 and, as always, everybody and their grandma is invited to turn up. The more the merrier!

The York and Birmingham meetings were great and this will be too... well, it's got to be better than the London meeting... only two people bothered to turn up!
Fluffy The Evil One

That's London for you, but my grandma is very excited
about Manchester.

Tuesday, the 20th of November, 2001; 5/8.  

I Challenge You All

At this moment in time, I am a nameless Ziner. I sit here without any form of identity, which is where you guys come in! All I ask is for a fantastic Zine name. In return, I will provide Lemon Fanta for WLW, catnip for Mavis and for the rest of you, my secret anti-Limp B*zk*t formula- closely linked to Tony the Tiger's secret Frosties formula. Reason
in itself!

C'mon, WLW; you get the ball rolling...
<insert name here>

Blimey, I dunno. What about Brucie Forsyth's Hairpiece? No?

Tuesday, the 20th of November, 2001; 7/8.

Who was the guy with the grey mullet who was in Neighbours in the '80s?
The Man With The Golden Bun

I think it was Helen Daniels.

Wednesday, the 21st of November, 2001; 1/8.

THREE CLUES AS TO WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE A
FEMALE TRENDY

1) You like nothing better than making up repetitive dance routines to Steps, S Club 7, 5ive etc.

2) You squeeze yourself into tiny cropped tops with Adidas, Nike or Reebok logos.

3) You take Dawson's Creek seriously.

The DimGirl (from the molehole)

And you grew up wishing you were cool enough to go to Byker Grove

Wednesday, the 21st of November, 2001; 4/8.

HARRY POTTER

It has come to my attention that there is a character called Fluffy in the film. As a result of this, I am considering legal action for a breach of copyright because I own the rights to the words Fluffy, Evil and One.

And no, this is not just a cheap attempt to extort money from a very successful franchise!

Fluffy The Evil One

It isn't? Hmmm... Sounds suspiciously like it is!

Monday, the 26th of November, 2001; 7/8.

There are two types of people. Those who get South Park and those who don't.
Lady Patricia Of The Garden Shed

I love you guys.

Monday, the 26th of November, 2001; 1/8.

ANNOYING ADVERTS

1) The one with the drink which is made from "freshly-squeezed sunshine," where everyone puts on their sunglasses, because it's just so bright.

2) Halifax- the one where the woman sings Living To Give You Extra to the tune of La Vida Loca. Terrible.

3) Any advert for a stairlift. Yes.

Any more, fellow Ziners?
The Chicken Who Crossed The Road

All AOL ads, and that dreadful ad for Campino sweets... so
creamy, mmmm.

Monday, the 26th of November, 2001; 2/8.


ZINERS

My friend has the Shaggy, Hear'Say and Geri albums. The doctor says I can't eat vast amounts of chocolate as it gives me headaches. I'm not pretty enough to get noticed or ugly enough to get sympathy. I share a room with my sister; she has Ronan Keating posters. There is a ghost in my house and my brother listens to dance music.

Oh well, as the Monty Python lads said, always look on the bright side of life.
Angelic Entity

Yeah, but there are limits. I'd be dead miserable in
your house.


Monday, the 26th of November, 2001; 4/8.

WLW

Am I the oldest Ziner in Zineland? I've been reading for about 10 years.

The first Ziner I remember is Fresh Prince of Luton (anyone else remember?) and, of course, I love Willo The Wisp (featuring Kenneth Williams) and three ZX Sprectrums. I rule the skool! Anyone else dare to contest me?
Alice, in the Palace

Not me, that's for sure. Although, we weren't here 10 years ago!

Tuesday, the 31st of July, 2001; 6/8.

Alice In The Palace- I doubt you have been writing to Zine as long as I have- eight years this December!
Squashed Strawberry, Hector's House

Crikey!

Sunday, the 12th of August, 2001.

Daft Museums, Boring Towns

Submarines? Nothing! In France, I have visited both a museum of French bakery and a museum of corkscrews (quite interesting, actually).

We gave the Museum of Lavender and the Museum of Torture Instruments a miss, along with the Museum of the Goose. I have also visited a town famous for keeping poultry in the church. Beat that!
r:e-member

I can't! You are the master of the boring museum.

Friday, the 21st of September, 2001; 7/8.

Top 10 Missing Ziners

1 Wild Bill Hiccup
2 Negative Creep
3 Revolutionary Carrot
4 Egg Shaped Ian
5 TAFKA Gonzo
6 Outcast
7 Village Idiot
8 Odd Foz
9 Self-Obsession Honey
10 Buzz

Fluffy The Evil One

Blimey, I'd forgotten half of them- and what of PC Stu? Miss Tristesse?

Friday, the 28th of September, 2001; 8/8.

Things To Do In Wolverhampton

1 Watch the sk8ers fall over by St Paul's church.
2 Hang around in Rowfes and Penny Farthing.
3 Laugh at the mini-moshers by the Man On The Horse.
4 Go to the train station and get out.
5 Sleep.
Fluffy The Evil One

You paint a pretty picture- I'll stay daaaan sewf, thank you!

Sunday, the 30th of September, 2001; 4/8.

Happy Bagpuss Appreciation Day!
Soap Sud

Crikey, has that come around again already? Seems like only yesterday.

Sunday, the 16th of June, 2002; 1/8.

Can I also confess my undying love for Susan Kennedy?
Subatomic Genius

No!

Thursday, the 15th of November, 2001; 1/8.

I would like to point out that Susan Kennedy is played by Jackie Woodburne.
Juicy Strawberry, Hector's House

Er...OK... thanks, I think

Thursday, the 29th of November, 2001; 1/8.

What I'd Buy You All If I Could Afford It

Rude Boy: Half a pair of trousers
WLW: Some chocolate
Mavis: A cat stocking
Lonely Pine From The Forest Of Misery: A teddy bear
Davord: Sprouts
Girl On The Oatmeal Box: A toy pigeon
Milton and Me: A llama
Gutless Wonder: A poster of James Dean Bradfield

Smashed Strawberry, Hector's House

It's the thought that counts, though- sprouts and Davord- not a good idea.
Friday, the 21st of December, 2001; 4/8.

Rude Boy is the fiance. He was a one hit wonder and had a letter on Zine in 2001. It's in one of the note books somewhere, I'm not sure where. Anyway, I can recite it from memory.

WEIRD DREAMS

Am I the only one out there who has reallr weird dreams? I mean, I once had a dream about a new version of Countdown, with Slash as the presenter and Richard Whiteley taking Carol Vorderman's place (and not doing a very good job of it!).

Each episode would end with Slash playing his guitar and with Carol Vorderman playing the drums!

El Duderino

Really strong cheese does that to me- I once dreamed I was really funny.

Monday, the 1st of October, 2001; 6/8.

It reminds me of a dream the fiance had; he dreamt that I was on Countdown and I competed against Bez. I mentioned it in the That Thing appreciation thread.

WLW, this year your birthday will fall on the night of a full moon. I owe this piece of knowledge to a terrific
student diary.
Ms Jane Lane

Thank you. I'm a better person.

Monday, the 22nd of October, 2001; 1/8

ZINERS

I was reading B*ckch*t the other day. There was a letter from Sky Warrior. B*ckch*t's editor told her to kick her boyfriend to the kerb. Unfortunately, the word kerb was spelt as 'curb'.

I doubt that WLW would ever make a mistake like that!

Smashed Strawberry, Hector's House

Too right, matey! One fing I 'ate, it's people wot carn't spel stuff

Friday, the 26th of October, 2001; 2/8.

This Ziner- Backchat fight is stupid. You're all acting like two-year-olds. Stop it now, because you are beginning to
annoy me.
Daria

Backchat; Sunday, the 28th of October, 2001; 5/5.

WLW

I noticed that B*ckch*t's "Ed" has to put his name at the end of every response to any letter. I notice you don't do this. I think "Ed" does this as all trendies have such short memories, and Ed loves himself so much.

But now I've sent you this e-mail, you'll probably put "WLW" at the end of every response you make... or
maybe not.

Pete the Destroyer

Don't be daft
WLWxx

Friday, the 2nd of November, 2001; 6/8.

WLW

This is my claim to fame... some people have met the Queen, some have met the Prime Minister, some have even met Steps (and we feel for you, we really do), but I actually go to school with the Despotic Banana. He sits next to me in Geography and does his best to annoy me.

Now I can give away all of his secrets, what his pet hates are and what he gets up to at the weekends. Just think of all the dirt I could give on him, WLW!
The Piercing Queen

Dish! Dish! All gossip gratefully received.

Tuesday, the 27th of November, 2001; 4/8.

LIFE'S LITTLE QUANDARIES

What happens to bread after you put it in the toaster? Where does it go? And how does the toast get in there?

Is there some kind of little goblin who lives inside the toaster, stealing bread and replacing it with toast for its own nefarious purposes? Or am I just being overly paranoid?

The Despotic Banana

Well, well, well... Were your ears burning?

Tuesday, the 27th of November, 2001; 5/8.

If Backchat and Zine had a fight, Backchat would tear
Zine apart.
Fire

Wooooaaay, enough already! Look, they do their thing, we do ours. This Backchat Vs Zine thing is getting boring, enjoy the fact you can read and write to BOTH. We do...

Backchat; Friday, the 23rd of November, 2001; 6/8.

Ziners

Things that you never see people do in the wonderful world of TV, part 1:

Shutting front doors.
Doing the ironing.
Walking into lamp-posts.
Reading Teletext, especially Zine.

The Cornflake Kid

The last one being THE most glaring error in TV land.

Monday, the 5th of November, 2001; 7/8.

SATURDAYS

After months of study, I have come to a conclusion! The reason we are deprived of Zine on Saturdays is either:

1. You are a misery.
2. You would have Sunday off but they pay you one hell of an overtime rate.
3. You are nursing a hangover from Friday night after going to Yates' with your mates.
4. You are Jewish.
So come on, which one is it?
The One and (thankfully) Only Schizo Number 3

I am a Jewish misery in Yates' spending all that overtime wonga.

Sunday, the 24th of February, 2002; 7/8.

PEAS

In response to Captain Blog's complaint about peas, I have this little ditty to share with
you all:

I eat my peas with honey,
I've done it all my life,
It makes the peas taste funny,
But it keeps them on the knife!

Satanic Pot Plant

Yes, very good. That one's more for 'comedy poetry coner' I think!

Monday, the 25th of February, 2002; 6/8.

A LIST OF GREAT BOBS (sorry, but Fingerbobs doesn't count).

1. Bob Dylan.
2. Bob Bob The Bob (where's s/he gone?).
3. Bob Marley.
4. Skutter Bob (pleeeease print him more).
5. Bob Monkhouse.
6. Patrick Moore (he deserves a mention).

1929 (fan of the name "Bob")

And Sideshow Bob? Where's he? Surely the greatest Bob.

Sunday, the 24th of February, 2002; 5/8.

HAIKU CORNER

Forgive me I'm mistaken. Mr Chicken, but is a haiku not three lines of 3-5-3 syllables? This one was displayed to demonstrate the prowess of our English department:

My name's Tom
I quite like that name
How bout you?

He may have done better trying to write one in Japanese.
Sir Whence Pitchfork

Woooooooh! There's posh- a haiku corner!

Monday, the 11th of February, 2002; 6/8.

My Hero

John Prescott. The politician that got smacked in the head and fought back. He always looked so bored in the Houses of Parliament. He looks like he really wants to be driving a bus.

One day, he'll suddenly wake up ahouting: "A return to town, you say?". Yeah, he's my hero, apart from that grandad on the Werthers Originals adverts.
Belfast Boy

I find that grandad a bit creepy, sort of smug and slimy, y'know?

Sunday, the 17th of March, 2002; 7/8.

While that is true, I think this thread still has a use. For one, they're letters that Strawberry has bothered to record - so presumably these are "selected highlights"...

WOW!!! This really does take me back

Quote: Lilac_Leopard

Andrew my lovely, please view the following, chars  

I won't lock it for now because I think that's the Megazine Mods' prerogative but I thought I'd better say something!

Hangs his head in shame lol

Quote: Marton

ten days earlier and you'd have been in the clear

All I need is a Delorian

Quote: Lilac_Leopard

That's all anyone really needs!

How about oxygen? lol

Wow. The next person who uses Lol, I will go and hit them over their head, repeatedly.

I'd like that.

Oops, sorry. Was up til 5am again, bit grumpy.

*gets out junior hacksaw*

oh, wait, no, I said 'hit'...b*gger...

*borrows Colin's Shaun of the Dead cricket bat*

Hah, now you'll be sorry, Mr Yearly.

*sings* all you need is love...i mean delorean

Ziners

Do you remember Willo The Wisp?

I remember Evil Edna, the mean TV set, and the chubby ickle fairy with the blue hair. Aah, those were the days... it's stuff like that which makes me feel really really old. Talking of which: WLW, do YOU remember it?
Chocoraisin

Ooh, you little... of course I do, I watched it from my high chair.

Mega-zine; 30th of August, 2002; 8/8.

I'm glad for Carly, who said music helped her get through depression. Me too. The Wedding Present and Mogwai saved my life once. What concerns me is her choice of My Chemical Romance. I'd have thought they'd induce depression rather than mollify it.
Cold Lazarou

What's Alex James up to these days? Oh yes, he's doing a reality show with convicted perjurer Jeffrey Archer. That's what I call hip. Foule

The Void; Teletext page 827; Thursday, the 15th of February, 2007; 2/7.

ACE IS ACE

I must be the only one happy about the new changes. Ace is my favourite word ever! It is, of course, the name of the character Kiefer Sutherland played in Stand By Me.

Now, ever time I switch Teletext on, I can say, "Don't move, Ace" and press hold. Mmmmm...
Kiefer Sutherland.

Pink Punk Princess

Yeah, not sure the Kiefer thing was what we were actually going for.

Mega-zine; 9th of December, 2002; 4/7.

Dreams about rock stars: here are examples of some I've had recently. Me and Jimi Hendrix hangin' out, seeing U2 in a traffic jam and chatting through their car window, snogging Brian Molko; then being at a near empty Placebo gig. Then I had 2 JJ72 dreams in one night.

redpixie; The Void; 14th of April, 2001; 1/9.

A lot of you men are scared of James Dean Bradfield! Why else would you write on these pages and mags that he's fat? He's still available, more or less. I bet when he gets wed the fat jokes suddenly stop.
Tracy; The Void; 14th of April, 2001; 8/9.

When I was a lass, I have to admit I was a true trendy. I had everything from Reebok Classics to those little bracelets you slapped on your wrist and they closed- anyone
remember these?

I also went to an under-18s disco and I saw Steps before they were famous (worse?) and asked them for their autographs! Shortly after, I saw the error of my ways!
Ratchild

Mega-zine; Sunday, the 15th of April, 2001; 3/8.

Best drummer ever was Animal from The Muppets... end
of story.
Bernard

The Vibe; Sunday, the 1st of April, 2001; 2/5.

I never say 'listen up'. I can't believe you would title one of my posts 'listen up'. I would sooner say 'elloww, d'ya want
a bourbon?

But it's OK, I still love you. You've become like a mother figure to me and I guess mothers are thereto embarrass.
Odd Foz

Mega-zine; Sunday, the 15th of April, 2001; 8/8.

I dreamt I was the camerawoman at a Bob Dylan gig. He sang Like A Rollin' Stone once, then read Mr Men books for the rest of the night to an enthusiastic crowd who were all sat in huge bookcases. The only unhappy person was Paul Simon, who heckled Dylan all the way through. Ella

The Void; Wednesday, the 18th of April, 2001; 4/5.

Last week I tried to buy pants in a greengrocers.
WLW

Mega-zine; Sunday, the 15th of April, 2001; 6/8.

Goats like prawn c*cktail crisps. Squirrels like digestive biccies. Llamas like coats. Seagulls like fruit polos.
Silvan Draconis

Mega-zine; Wednesday, the 18th of April, 2001; 1/7.

James Dean Bradfield is not fat! I met him out shopping on Saturday, and if he's fat then I'm Pavarotti. Give him a break.

Ella; The Void; Thursday, the 19th of April, 2001; 8/11.

Vote Grumpist... vote Parsley.

WLW; Mega-zine; Sunday, the 15th of April, 2001; 6/8.

Men seem intimidated by James Dean Bradfield because he isn't a shallow boyband clone. It's sad that people overlook his talent by criticising his weight. I'd choose a real man like him over a model-type boyband member any day.

Mollie Tyler; The Void; Friday, the 20th of April, 2001; 4/11.

Even though you ridiculed my dodgy past, you have improved greatly in my estimation with your quotation from Life Of Brian! This is surely THE funniest film. I'm chuckling as we speak, thinking about the old man who thinks crucifixion is a doddle.

Hardly any of my friends have seen it and people of my generation need to be enlightened about the wonder that is Monty Python. Ratchild

Only yesterday, I had lunch with The People's Front
of Judea.

Mega-zine; Tuesday, the 24th of April, 2001; 7/8.

Big Break- to quality TV what Scooch were to rock'n'roll.

WLW; Mega-zine; Wednesday, the 25th of April, 2001; 5/8.

Algebra means nothing to me.

WLW; Mega-zine; Sunday, the 22nd of April, 2001; 2/8.

Strange things have been happening here in Northern Ireland. In recent months, there has been an influx of trendies "becoming Goths". They have ceased to purchase their natural attire of Adidas and Nike and turned to a
"Goth look".

Naturally, this has outraged the original Goths, who have now started to wear Adidas and Nike! This really is a strange
old country. Leprechaun Lover

Goths in Adidas? You ain't kidding!

Mega-zine; Sunday, the 22nd of April, 2001; 3/8.

I've always thought that penguins hide a keen intelligence. I've known that ever since I went to the zoo and dropped my pen into the penguin enclosure. The played "passed the parcel" with it.

They may be dumb-looking (like me!) and intelligent, but that doesn't make them dangerous. I'm on their side.
Silvan Draconis

Penguins are the business- funny, yet disturbing.

Mega-zine; Thursday, the 26th of April, 2001; 3/8.

Ziners

Daytime television tends to impregnate my brain. The current topic of popularity seems to be the general election. One thing that annoys me is how people hurl endless abuse at the party leaders, which obviously suggests they do not like that particular party.

Would their efforts not be better spent trying to get the party that they do support to think about the issues that they
want discussed? Silly people.
Frank The Potato

Well, you'd think so... but people is strange.

Mega-zine; Monday, the 4th of June, 2001; 6/8.

WLW

At the moment, there is a teddy in my room, in desperate need of some stitching. The good news is that, if you print this letter, every time this page is accessed, I promise I will donate five whole stitches to the 'Save Teddy' concern.

So, please, remember; his future is in your hands... not that I want to pressure you or anything.
Dissimulation

Heaven forbid I should feel pressured. Give Ted a stitch
for me.

I is back!

Hey, everyone. I haven't written for a while- missed me, WLW? None of you probably remember me apart from Miss McPhisto (where are you, by the way?).

My last couple of letters didn't get screened, so, WLW, you are in my bad books. But I'll let you off if you buy the new U2 single elevation.

One love, one life.
Angel of Harlem

If I buy the new U2 single? The odds are not good, love.

HOWARD HALIFAX

I've been reading a lot about this man on these pages so it is my duty to tell you all that my sis, who works at the Halifax met Howard, and, believe it or not, got his autograph.

Worse, she made him sign it to Wookie, which is my ultracool nickname. Oh, the shame. I couldn't watch adverts for fear of seeing his cheesy grin!

Willow Windolene

Somewhere, there's an ad agency feeling very proud of itself.

9th of July, 2002; 6/8.

Recently, Rebecca Nahid arose from her watery domain to moan that I was portrayed as a Planet Sound legend on Wikipedia, but not her. Oh, Rebecca. Neither of us are close to being legends in any shape or form. We're just average dullards who've had more than our fair share of letters screened. Peter Pinsent

I'm told I look like Gerard Way's metalhead twin. Euww. Can't wait for Anon Anarth's tour. Horns up! Asathor

The Void; Teletext page 827; 3rd of March, 2007; 4/7.

I think, when referring to me as an average dullard, that Pinsent is confusing me with Geri Halliwell. But I agree that we're not legends. Who reads The Void? Come on, A-list celebs, let's be having you.
Rebecca Nahid

Calm down, Voiders. I don't want to listen to My Chemical Romance; but if it saved your life, that's great. Music is for everyone to enjoy in their own way. What songs do you find can't help raise a smile? Sk8erboi

The Void; Teletext page 827; 6th of March, 2007; 1/7.

ZINE DICTIONARY

I've got a word to add to the long-forgotten Zine dictionary... my brother's 'reconfabulate'. It means to restore something to its former self.

I also have a creature to add- the 'Ellionalabird,' a combination of elephant, lion and koala in a bird-like form. I think this proves there reall are stranger people out there than me.
Snowman Robot

Yeah, the Zine dictionary. Plays h*ll with the spell checker.

Zine; 9th of July, 2002; 2/8.

HONOURABLE MENTIONS

I just thought I'd mention Dr Namgge, seeing as though he enjoys it so much. I also want to nominate Queen Martha The Terminally Surprised, for having the best name ever. I will also mention He Who Loves To Skank and Emma-the-li'l'-Angel, because they rock. However, I refuse to mention Daggsy... oh, pants.

I would also like to announce tomorrow to be Spontaneous Christmas. Quick- only one day left!
Cookie

Sometimes, Cookie, you really take the biscuit.

Zine; 26th of October, 2004; 7/8.

WLW'S CAR

I have seen WLW's car. I knew it was WLW's; cos of the personalised registration, WLW 1. I also saw the person in the car, a mid-40s bald man in a suit. Surely this isn't you? Someone must have borrowed or stolen your
car. Trust no-one.
Private Investigation: Zertrude Trout

Mid-40s bald man in a suit? Nah. Never wear a suit, me.

Zine; 23rd of November, 2001; 2/8.

STRANGE

I have discovered WLW's identity! He is none other than that guy from the last Pop Idol, with the glasses! You may refute this accusation, but let me ask you this: Have you ever seen the two of them in the same room together? Aah! That
got you thinking!
Jan of The Pink Gravy

I was on stage with him at Wembley, disguised as a light.

Zine; 6th of April, 2004; 4/8.

WLW

Another sighting of your car! This time it was a beaten up old bluey/ browny Ford Fiesta, spotted in Milton Keynes. First of all, a Ford Fiesta? And secondly, why on earth were you in Milton Keynes? It's the Blink 182 of England! But, anyway; how are you, WLW? We haven't been to Bingo in a while!
Lemming Curd

I'm OK; suffering from 'Bingo finger'. Can't manage a whole card at the mo.

Zine; 17th of December, 2001; 6/8.

WAYS TO ANNOY WLW

1. Only send e-mails occassionally, but in massive batches; therefore filling his/ her/ its inbox.
2. Send pointless e-mails.
3. Offer bribes, but never actually send them to WLW.
4. Bring up arguments, such as cats v dogs,
choccie v Haribo...
5. Never finish sentences.
6. Most of all, always...
Angelic Entity

Speaking of sending pointless e-mails...

Zine; 18th of February, 2002; 3/8.

IF I WAS GOD...

Peter Andre would be banished to a small island in the middle of nowhere. All his communication with the outside would be cut off and everyone's memory would be erased so they couldn't remember him.
Oh yeah, and cats would take over the universe.
The Sheep With Nowhere To Sleep

I'd banish plenty of others first. Starting with... Jodie Marsh.

Zine; 24th of March, 2004; 6/8.

At last, we've got a great song for Eurovision; with Scooch. It's about time we entered a fun, catchy, Europop song, after last year's travesty by Daz Sampson. We didn't need the dross of Big Brovaz- Britain will win this year. Paul G

The best-ever Eurovision entry was Go by Gigilola Cinquetti in 1974. Unfortunately for her, and for the rest that didn't get to hear it, that was the year that Abba won.
Shaun Martin

The Void; Teletext page 827; 21st of March, 2007; 2/7.

ZINE AWARDS 2003

Do you not think that this would be a great idea? I've got some great ideas for some nominations. Best Ziner, Best Newbie, Hottest Zine Couple, Most Obsessed Ziner, Oldest Ziner, Best Name For A Ziner, Best Poem For Poetry Corner... The list is endless.

Should we all compete? I doubt I'll be nominated for anything. Oh, and by the way, do any Ziners
come from Wigan?
Mad Mental Mosher

I can hardly remember my name. Compiling a poll-
too much work.


Zine; 5th of December, 2003; 7/8.

Great lost albums? I vote for Nu's AlphaBravoShockPopDisco! It's trashy, brilliant pop, years before the Scissor
Sisters got there. Matthew Bartley

Those declaring Klaxons the future of music, should listen to Mansun's 1998 masterpiece Six. I always said they were ahead of their time.
Fi Hodgson

My favourite band right now are The Long Blondes. I'm also loving Shiny Toy Guns and Switches.
Emily Hanson

The Void; Teletext page 827; 5th of April, 2007; 1/7.

If Ziners Were...

Onions:

Paris Silverskin- Spandorexxa
White Libson- Farmer Jack
Bedfordshire Champion- Squidgy Lobster
The Hygro- The Brigadier

I really does like me onions.

Gerty and her onions

Anyone ever said your breath smells? Well, someone had to mention it.

Zine; 17th of February, 2003; 7/8.

The best music book is Cider With Roadies With Roadies by Stuart Maconie. There's some cracking stories in it. Also, see Duke Special when he tours in May. I saw him in February and jumped at the chance to see him again- the best
live act around.
Sean O'Neill

Kele Okereke should stop mouthing off; he's turning into a male Lily Allen. He should let his music speak for itself and leave opinions to talking heads like Paul Morley. ID

The Void; Teletext page 827; Thursday, the 5th of April, 2007; 4/7.

The Witch

Twas a house like no other. It was an ingenious invention. It had gingerbread bricks, windows made of the sweetest, most transparent sugar that were framed most
delicately by shortbread.

The roof was made of chocolate cake slabs and a chimney of something indeterminate, but it was tasty. A sweet idea, but what happened when it rained?
Elden Ray

It turned into an ocean-sized smoothie, of course.

Zine; 23rd of September, 2004; 7/7.

I'm glad that Sugababes and Girls Aloud have teamed up. It's nice to see New Look assistants having ambitions.
Rebecca Nahid

I agree Masters of Reality's debut is a lost classic. It's incredibly powerful; one of the most-played I own, along with the follow-up, Sunrise On The Sufferbus, featuring Ginger Baker on drums. They both deserve wider recognition, as does the genius of Chris Goss. Richard Barnett

The Void; Teletext page 827; 7th of April, 2007; 2/7.

Things The World Needs More Of

Snow, ballons, ice cream, Alyson Hannigan movies (sigh), forests, special Coca Cola flavours (mmm, apple), lightning storms, new Divine Comedy CDs, urban myths, cinnamon, sunsets, Alex Garland books, nice dreams, raccoons, love and acceptance. Please!
Little Blue Fox

Quite a lot to expect Santa to deliver. Hope you have a
wide chimney!

Zine; 3rd of December, 2003; 2/8.

Melanie C says she used to use music as a way of dealing with personal issues? That's quite tragic, as The Spice Girls are responsible for a lot of mime. As for tall people at gigs, why not hobble them or make them get on their knees?
Baby Firefly

I'm 6ft 6 ins. Should the ice caps melt; don't think you're getting on my shoulders, after all you short people have been saying. Aaron M

The Void; Teletext page 827; 7th of April, 2007; 1/7.

SATAN'S LITTLE HELPER
There's a girl in my History class who looks like Sonic The Hedgehog- but her hair isn't blue.

Does she jump through hoops and run around a lot?

LORD CHARLES Jack Handy? Jack who? Never heard of him. I'm no thief.

Liar.

NUMBERTHREE
Maths is evil; nuff said. Chemistry is good, though; you get to blow things up.

Yes, that's precisely how it's described in the
curriculum I've heard.

Zine; 14th of November, 2004; 1/8.

I always used to go to the front of gigs, as I'm fairly short. The tendency of the selfish gits who crowdsurf stopped that, as I don't enjoy getting kicked in the head while I'm trying to watch a band.

Why pay the horrendous prices when you have no intention of watching gigs? These idiots should be barred from gigs until they grow up enough that their enjoyment doesn't depend on spoiling others'. Miss Understood

The Void; Teletext page 827; 7th of April, 2007; 3/7.

READ ALL ABOUT IT

Don't you just hate librarians? The ones at my local hide behind the bookcases to make sure I won't steal the latest edition of Politics Review.

I mean, as if I would. I'be bought the last three issues, even though they do have the library stamp on.
Junior Minister

Shocking. I only steal Reader's Digest.

Zine; 2nd of November, 2003; 6/8.

It's not tall people who are selfish. I find people at festivals with flags and banners who stand near the front waving them from side to side far more annoying; as it doesn't matter how near or far you are. you can't see. Tony Tudor

Why does no one have a good word to say about Fall Out Boy here? Under The Cork Tree is an outstanding album and Pete Wentz deserves more respect for his lyrics.
Emma Middleton

The Void; Teletext page 827; 7th of April, 2007; 4/7.

JAPANESE

Now I see that in Japan they have come up with the ultimate chat-up line and given the chat-up lines I've had; which, as a rule, have been poultry-based, this has to be
an improvement.

So here it is: "This time next year, let's be laughing together." It doesn't really work, does it? It does, however, explain why there are a lot of lonely Japanese men collecting dolls, though.
Princess Psycho

Hang on. Why are you hanging around chicken farms to
get a date?

Zine; 12th of November, 2004; 6/7.

My great lost album is Jane from Occupied Europe by Swell Maps. Released in 1980, it's much admired by Sonic Youth. Neil D Hill

Geri Halliwell's Schizophonic is the only album I can think of that had three No 1 singles after its release. That's another unique feat by the great woman, the only record-breaking Spice Girl. Still, Posh married a footballer, thus ensuring greater media coverage. Peter Pinsent

The Void; Teletext page 827; 9th of April, 2007; 1/7.

ZINERS I LIKE

He Who Loves To Skank- for sharing my love of ska.
Daggsy- for having the best name.

I hate the rest of you.

Not really.

Peppermint Patty

I like hip hop and reggae, but the ska's the limit.

Zine; 27th of October, 2004; 6/8.

I haven't seen the light with Neon Bible. No Cars isn't new, but it's the best song on there. The penny must be stuck with Arcade Fire and I'm blazing mad. Agora

Chimaira's new album is a return to form, due in no small part to Andols Herrick being back on drums. Add to that fantastic albums already by Machine Head, Trivium and Mastodon: 2007 is shaping up to be a classic year for metal.
Fluffy The Evil One

The Void; Teletext page 827; 9th of April, 2007; 2/7.

ARRANT NERD BOXES YODELLER
"Twenty-four hour convenience store"? I can think of at least two things wrong with that phrase.

If you work there, yes.

ALAN THOMPSON'S LEFT PEG
I felt compelled to write. To say what? My brain didn't get that far.

Maybe next time?

LOCAL PERSON
Norman Radcliffe- I'm female and I look
like Katie Holmes, apparently.

Just thought I'd slip that one in...!

Zine; 23rd of November, 2004; 1/8.

Listening to Heart FM all morning at work, it makes my blood boil that people throw insults at My Chemical Romance as if they're in the same league as this mush. They make great salbums and, in my ears, that's what counts. Earls gave MCR's new single 4/10, yet Avril Lavigne's new one 7. He needs a slap. Helly

Tall people can go to the side of gigs, small people in the middle. Easy. Robbie Doyle

The Void; Teletext page 827; 9th of April, 2007; 4/7.

CARS

What if the only way to get your car to work was to win a game against it?

Every time you want to travel, your car chooses a game (chess, Scrabble, Twister and so on) and, if you're victorious, the car operates for that journey. However, if you lose, the car doesn't move for the whole day, and also gets a little
bit smaller...

Zaganza

It would take longer to get anywhere than going by rail...

Zine; 8th of December, 2003; 3/8.

Top 10 drug songs, from a semi-teetotaller

1) Mushrooms Marshall Jefferson
2) Revolution Mudhoney
3) Sister Morphine Rolling Stones
4) White Rabbit Jefferson Airplane
5) The Beast The Only Ones
6) Drug Train The Cramps
7) Signed DC Love
Eight) Needle & The Damage Done Neil Young
9) Under The Bridghe RHCP
10) Out of Control Chemical Brothers
Andy Wolves

The Void; Teletext page 827; 9th of April, 2007; 6/7.

TOENAIL CLIPPINGS
While at the hairdressers, I realised that the girl washing my hair's sole aim in life, is to pull my scalp from my skull.

Some people don't have any ambitions at all.

FAIRY NUFF
Don't annoy you when they announce they are back and you hadn't actually noticed they had left? Bit like me, really. (*Sits in the corner with the other newbies*)

And you are?

LI'L' DUDETTE
I'm not paranoid, but everyone else thinks I am.

Hide.

Zine; 3rd of November, 2004; 1/8.

On flags at festivals, the weirdest thing I saw was the 20ft inflatable diplodocus crowdsurfing at 2005's Glastonbury in Kaiser Chief's set. It was a roar and became a Kaiser cult, but why would you take a 20ft dinosaur to a festival?
Captain Chaos

Touts don't get their own quota of tickets, they get them from public sale. If there were no touts, there'd be more for true fans who'd go to a gig- not fleece others. Su Nath

The Void; Teletext page 827; 11th of April, 2007; 2/7.

SURREAL?

Boy: "Do you want to buy a duck?"
Me:" A what?"
Boy: "A duck."
Me: "Does it quack?"
Boy: "Does it quack?!"
Me: "Well, does it?"
Boy: "Yes."
Me: "Oh, right... no thanks."

The United Truth

Quackers? Yes, you know you are.

Zine; 17th of March, 2004; 8/8.


On tall people at gigs, I'm 6ft 3in. Should I be nice and watch my fave bands from the back, or should short people move 10 in to the left? Just an idea. Good call on Voiders hailing Mansun's Six; it's a '90s classic. Mal Reynolds

With Macca joining Starbucks' label, next it will be supermarkets crying as Starbucks give away CDs with a latte. They get what they deserve in the end. Lelya

The Void; Teletext page 827; 11th of April, 2007; 3/7.

STUPID WARNING

On pipe tobacco pouches, the warning reads: "Smoking while pregnant can harm your unborn child".

I mean, how many pregnant women have you seen smoking a pipe?

Sykopathic Mushroom

They don't, because it's bad for the baby.

Zine; 28th of January, 2004; 2/8.

ALIEN ANT FARM

I have asked myself many times why I like them, but it's just one of life's little mysteries. Like where the missing sock goes in the washing machine.

Aaahh well, at least I'm not alone. Broccoli shares my Alien Ant Farm affliction, but she's not as bad as me; at least she doesn't own the album!
Fluffy The Evil One

I have the singles. Does that make me semi-bonkers?

Zine; 18th of February, 2002; 8/8.

There's nothing wrong with artists paying homage to their influences, but isn't Ne-Yo's new single and video just a complete Michael Jackson copy? He sings, hiccups dresses and dances identically, it's a melancholy reminder of how Jacko was at his peak and where he is today. Disco Stu

Good to see The Wildhearts mentions. They're easily Britain's most underrated rock band, with the best album of their career out next week. Wilde Heart

The Void; Teletext page 827; 27th of April, 2007; 1/7.

I KNOW WHO YOU ARE

That's right. WLW is Richey Edwards. It explains why you hate the Manics, because you dislike how they sound without you.

Now, if someone could tell me when Zine started, they could see if it matched up with the year Richey vanished.

Yes, yes; I know. I'm as good as Sherlock Holmes.
Mr Self Destruct

Sorry, wrong. My eyeliner is much neater.

Zine; 19th of October, 2003; 5/8.

Intelligence in music may have given us Sting, but it's also given us The Clash, The Manics, Tom Waits, Neil Young, Bob Dylan, Nick Cave, Sleater-Kinney and countless others. Also, does anyone remember 60 Foot Dolls. I've been caning their debut album all afternoon and had forgotten how good it was. What happened to them?
The Doc

Great 7 min-plus songs? Desire Lines by Lush and the 15-minute Manhole by Grace Slick are classics. Autist

The Void; Teletext page 827; 27th of April, 2007; 2/7.

I WAS BORED THIS AFTERNOON

... so I went to the interweb and ran my zine name through a search engine. I got a paltry 12 results. Barely worth mentioning, but 'twas fun for a moment of self-indulgence.

In other news, I've become addicted to pistachio nuts, and I have taken to stalking certain anonymous Ziners.

Arrant Nerd Boxes Yodeller

Try typing your name in backwards. I will treble the return.

Zine; 29th of August, 2004; 6/8.

A comparison of The Ramones and Sting in intelligence v stupidity is overly glib. Or does Kodanshi also prefer Wolfmother to Nine Inch Nails and Robbie Williams to Nick Cave?

As for my dismissal of Arctic Monkeys, Andy is welcome to Realityland, where adults are allowed to form judgments that flout prevailing think-tank propoganda. Try it some time. At worst, some oaf may decry you for not sharing a herd mentality. Tony Satan

The Void; Teletext page 827; 27th of April, 2007; 3/7.

I've just discovered Tom Baxter. He's got a gorgeous Jeff Buckley-ish voice. Can anyone fill me in on him? All I've found is one album. Lesley Kew

Earls is right. The new NIN isn't as good as The Fragile. A rich, provocative, complex listen. It's absorbing from start to finish, with a different song shining on each listen. To me, it's Trent's finest yet. It's even keeping me away from the amazing new Dodheimsgard album.
Mark De Sade

The Void; Teletext page 827; 27th of April, 2007; 4/7.

HANDY MANNEQUIN
Hey there, WLW; my sarcastic bundle of love and stuff! Well, that's all I have to say.

I see. Well; thanks, anyway.

THE CORNFLAKE KID
Just a random thought. Why do crabs walk sideways?

When they start walking in a straight line, you know they've been drinking.

SECLUDED RAINBOW
Nooo. Ant and Dec are leaving SM: TV. What will I do with my life now?

Sleep in on Saturdays. Nothing to wake up for now.

Zine; 20th of November, 2001; 1/8.

Best bargains? I've recently bought Blur's lost single, Popscene, on CD from my local Oxfam for 50p. It often goes for £10 on eBay. Dar threes

Why do Downlaod goers have to put up with an actor's side-project band as a novelty act every year? Last year, we got stuck with Wicked Wisdom (Jada Pinkett-Smith and her nu-metal session musos). This year, it's Jared Leto's emo geeks, 30 Seconds To Mars. What's next, Keanu Reeves's Dogstar? Fluffy

The Void; Teletext page 827; 27th of April, 2007; 5/7.

THE SHARI LEWIS SHOW

The days of watching Charlie Horse (not the bloke from Busted), Lamb Chop and Hush Puppy. Then there was "The song that never ends. It goes on and on, my friends...". It was quite educational really and much better than the rubbish turned out today.

I didn't dream this whole thing up, did I? It was real, wasn't it?

Junior Minister

It was. Anybody fancy a bowl of Tubby custard?

Zine; 13th of June, 2004; 6/8.

Top 10 book-reading artists' albums

1) The Queen Is Dead The Smiths
2) Remain In The Light Talking Heads
3) Vision Thing Sisters of Mercy
4) Quadrophenia The Who
5) Horses Patti Smith
6) Station To Station David Bowie
7) New York Lou Reed
Eight) The Future Leonard Cohen
9) Mock Tudor Richard Thompson
10) Desire Bob Dylan
The Mayor of Simpleton

The Void; Teletext page 827; 27th of April, 2007; 6/7.

Why No January Songs?

Why are no songs written about January? I keep finding myself whistling Jingle Bells and (shudder) Mistletoe And Wine while I'm washing up, yet Christmas is over. This is probably the point where someone reels off a long list of January-related songs and calls me stupid. Go on, then.
The One With The Mighty Antlers

Stupid.

Zine; Teletext 345; 20th of January, 2006; 5/7.

The strangest music TV show in ages has been watching Dizzee Rascal present Freshly Squeezed on Channel 4 every morning. Seeing him pretend to like Busted and listlessly flirt with Sarah Hendy- his co-host, straight from Dippy Blonde central casting- it's as if I'd had cheese before bedtime.

Weirdest of all? Cutting to a feature on the new Manics video, with Nina Persson blithely crocheting during her bit of the interview. Ta Da

The Void; Teletext page 827; 28th of April, 2007; 1/7.

January's Little Joke

To The One With The Mighty Antlers:

They may not have released it, but 22nd Best Band in Scotland of All Time, Trashcan Sinatras, had a song called January's Little Joke.

A lovely little tune it is too.
Crinkle-Cut Beatroot

Would you like to sing us a line, Crinkle-Cut Beatroot?

Zine; 26th of January, 2006; 4/7.

It's lame how some Voiders still think all male rappers only rap about b*tches and h*s. Besides, a lot of female rappers fail to show self-respect. Missy Elliott made a song with Redman called Dat B*tch, Li-l- Kim refers to herself as Queen B and Trina admits she is, in fact, the Baddest B*tch. L Mills

It does my head in when songs by my favourite bands, like The Fratellis, The View and Kasabian are used in trailers. It loses the songs their cred. Dagger

The Void; Teletext page 827; 28th of April, 2007; 2/7.

Whack-a-chav

I've created a new game. It's called Whack-a-chav. To play, you need one object and one chav, which you whack with said big object. It's great fun.

There's a sequel coming out- Whach-a-Minimosher!
One Winged Angel

I like the sound of them. Quick, patent them right away.

Zine; Friday, the 27th of January, 2006; 6/7.

Neil Young and Trent Reznor are musical visionaries. This has nothing to do with "intelligence". Stupidity v intelligence is a fake dichotomy, anyway. As for Nick Cave, I preferred him when he was singing about sticking gold blades in girls' heads. Kodanshi

I agree that REM's Leave is a brilliant 7-min song. New Adventures In Hi-Fi is my favourite REM album. It really deserves a listen by every hearing organism on the planet. V Maelstrom

The Void; Teletext page 827; 28th of April, 2007; 5/7.

Music To My Ears

Is it just me, or do adverts infect your brain too?

Right now, I have the delightful "Sheila's Wheels" tune rattling around in my head. Ho hum.

Penfold

Penfold?! I now have the theme tune to Danger Mouse going through my head.

Zine; Teletext page 345; 15th of February, 2006; 6/7.

I recently dug up an old cassette with recordings of Geri Halliwell radio interviews from 1999. The Radio 1 recordings with Zoe Ball, Mark and Lard, Simon Mayo and Jamie Theakston, were respectful and listenable. By 2005, Radio 1 wouldn't touch her Desire single and the idiots who do the Top 40, openly laughed when it only made No 22.

The decline of this supposedly unbiased corporation mirrors that of society in general. Peter Pinsent

The Void; Teletext page 827; 30th of April, 2007; 2/7.

With the craic over Travis returning, I remember how my heart melted hearing More Than Us. Local radio consistently plays Flowers In The Window; but it's not a patch on MTU, Ivor Novello award or not. Ciderduck

Popworld's interview with Travis and the parody on The Word, was the funniest thing on TV in ages. We need an irreverent music show on late-night TV. Transmission isn't it. Are there any decent music shows? Fluffy

The Void; Teletext page 827; 30th of April, 2007; 4/7.

I don't think rap is all b*tches and h*s, any more than I think all pop is infantile or all dance is brainless. But the bad stuff is out there and it sours the whole genre. It's just moral cowardice not to address it. M Reynolds

I went to buy Favourite Worst Nightmare, but was given a copy of The Emperor's New Clothes. I then tried the new Joss Stone, but got a DVD of Faking It. Finally, I bought Rob Zombie and was given great music. Disco Stu

The Void; Teletext page 827; 1st of May, 2007; 1/6.

Top ten debut albums of the 1990s

1) Dummy Portishead
2) Definitely Maybe Oasis
3) Ten Pearl Jam
4) At The Club Kenickie
5) Dry Kenickie
6) Garbage Garbage
7) Elastica Elastica
Eight) Way Beyond Blue Catatonia
9) Hope Is Important Idlewild
10) Pretty On The Inside Hole
Jar Jar

The Void; Teletext page 827; 1st of May, 2007; 6/7.

1.75 Feet Make A Tongue

WLW, I've learnt an amazing fact about your kind, from a pot of fromage frais. A giraffe's tongue measures 21 inches.

If you were to transplant your head with Spiky Stuy's (as I've always imagined him to be about 4 feet tall), never mind your elbows. You could lick your own coccyx.
Seren Arian

Zine; 10th of October, 2004; 3/8.

The best 7 min-plus song has to be Weekender by Flowered Up. Not only is it an era-defining song, but the video adds to its brilliance. Scott Townsend

Black Stone Cherry's debut album is superb. Back-to-basics, no-frills, driving rock. Mr Kylie

For great long songs, my vote goes to Mr Bungle's nine-minute jazz-epic Carry Stress In The Jaw from their great Disco Volante album. El Jaqui

The Void; Teletext page 827; 1st of May, 2007; 3/7.

The Age Game

It dawned on me the other day that everyone on Zine is of different ages. Here's how old I think some Ziners are...

Junior Minister: 23
Kitty: 15
Norman Radcliffe: 42
Topper: 6
Lord Charles: 156
WLW: 4

Dr Namgge's Evil Side

You got my age right; but how many human years to a giraffe's, eh?

Zine; 3rd of December, 2004; 2/8.

The best long song is Lately, by the hugely underrated British Sea Power. It's a moving meditation on the prospect of death that still rocks mad at the end. Fi Fox

How can Lily Allen compare The View to The Proclaimers? Hats Off To The Buskers is a great album. It's like comparing Oasis to Scooch. Dagger

Does anyone know what Kenickie's Marie Du Santiago is doing now? Black Dove

The Void; Teletext page 827; 2nd of May, 2007; 1/7.    

I saw the last few minutes of Search For The New Pussycat Doll, with the judges telling a contestant she was "unique" and interesting". They then eliminated her from the competition. Says it all, really. Merle Fellows

I'd go further than Pinsent. Poverty, the war on terror and hoodies are all linked to the mocking of St Geri. Give Peter a column so he can save us, before civilisation collapses into chaos. The man's a visionary. Lord Roger of Moltby

The Void; Teletext page 827; 2nd of May, 2007; 3/7.

Russell Simmons asking broadcasters to censor rap, is ludicrous. If a child hears a censored song he likes, he's going to buy it and hear it in all its glory. Why not go to the source of the problem, the rappers? Simmons knows he can't do that.

If there's any label that represents hip hop, it's Def Jam. He can't ask his own artists, like Method Man and DMX, to keep it down, so he passes the buck to the media. ID

The Void; Teletext page 827; 2nd of May, 2007; 5/7.

What a week. A great new Manics single with ace B-sides, James play a superb comeback gig in Manchester, Tori Amos puts out her best album in years and there's a new single by The National. I truly am a happy bunny. Mal Reynolds

One of the best 7 min-plus songs, has got to be Down In The Sewer by The Stranglers. Amazing musician ship and a genius end to a brilliant debut album. It still stands up now, and this was from 1977. Al Thorne

The Void; Teletext page 827; 3rd of May, 2007; 1/7.

TEXTUAL WISDOM

WELSH ANGEL I've just rediscovered Zine after two long and lonely years and now you're text-able! I'm overcome with emotion! May I be accepted into your world?

Zine: heaven on earth.

THE BARKING TREE If I have to move pages, I need somebody to help dig up my roots- not you, WLW, you'll eat me!

I promise I'll only have a couple.

VIGILANTE MAELSTROM Uh, is it just me, or am I alone?

No, you're with us.

This place is turning into an angel's playground.

Zine; Teletext 345; 18th of November, 2005; 2/7.

As a late addition to the Comedy Accents Syndrome, can I recommend Liam Gallagher's '90s Oasis vocal. It's so difficult to master that, as proved at this year's Brits, Liam himself can no longer master it. Les Vegas

Does anyone know what the song is on the Lloyds TSB "For the journey" advert, please? I tried asking Jeeves, but he just told me about Fixed Rate Mortgages. D*mn you to h*ll, Jeeves. It was our planet! Silent Shyness

The Void; Teletext page 827; 14th of May, 2007; 1/7.

I agree with Tony Satan. Arctic Monkeys are bilge, as inconsequential as the bands that formed in the dying months of Britpop, whose records now litter charity shops. I'll be staggered if people are still listening to them in 10 years' ime.

Their combination of schoolboy lyrics, pathetic repetitive guitar lines and lack of memorable tunes, will not stand the test of time. To anyone with ears, this should be obvious. Allwaystired

The Void; Teletext page 827; 14th of May, 2007; 3/7.

No! I've had enough! Can we please have the transatlantic singing voice back? I'd rather have insincere drawls over Cockneys who say nothing. Aaron M

I'm disgusted by Allwaystired's views that people are stupid if they like Arctic Monkeys. I'm not very fond of them, but people can like any music they like, without being judged. If everyone just liked the same thing, the world- and the charts, for that matter- would be rather boring. Jenna

The Void; Teletext page 827; 16th of May, 2007; 1/7.

Oh dear. Bob Geldof has laid into Live Earth. What's wrong, Bob? Frustrated that you're not organising it and Al Gore's mug is in the papers instead of yours? Or maybe you're angry because these days you're only known for being the father of the attention seeking talentless no-mark. Disco Stu

Nicky Wire's "I could have written all your lines" vocal on Your Love is a witty, poignant, beautifully-written reference to him and Bradfield. Rob D

The Void; Teletext page 827; 16th of May, 2007; 4/7.

A good way to get an idea of an album's quality, is to look where singles are placed. If the 1st 3 songs are singles, the rest will be largely filler. If the 1st track is a non-single, you're in business. As evidence, see virtually everything Morrissey's released, the exception being Kill Uncle. Adam Syntax

I liked Arctic Monkeys' 1st album but, after a lot of listens, Nightmare leaves me disappointed. Lefty Guns

The Void; Teletext page 827; 17th of May, 2007; 1/7.

I enjoyed Irwin's appraisal of post-Beatles Paul McCartney, but I was surprised Ram wasn't included at the expense of Flaming Pie or Driving Rain. Mind you, it does show that a lot of the albums Irwin doesn't include- Venus And Mars and the live albums- were complete dross. Gibbted

I'm no Arctic Monkeys fan, but it's the copycat soundalikes I object to singing about real life in regional accents- The View in particular. Fluffy

The Void; Teletext page 827; 17th of May, 2007; 2/7.

A new Iron And Wine album is due in September. What great news. Sam Bean is a brilliant craftsman- Elliott Smith singing William Faulkner, songs so delicate, they'll fall apart if you look at them funny. He's been around for a while; so anyone who hasn't yet investigated him, is urged to do so post-haste. The Doc

With all his gurning in the Love Today video, does Mika remind anyone else of Derek Zoolander? Alan Shore

The Void; Teletext page 827; 17th of May, 2007; 3/7.

Maybe J Ainsworth could try using his dictionary to help him define "hypocrisy". None of you bleating trendies have explained why it's acceptable for Arctic Monkeys devotee, Les Vegas, to ridicule Oasis fans as stupid and childish, but for me to return the compliment to Arctic fans. Your cowardly double standards say it all. Tony Satan

The Twilight Sad are a marvel. I hope they get to destroy us at Reading. JoeN

the Void; Teletext page 827; 17th of May, 2007; 4/7.

There are certain albums that would greatly benefit from being remixed or remastered. Presto by Rush has such awful, flat production, which sucks the life out of a great set of songs. And I'd love a new version of Metallica's And Justice For All, where you can actually hear the bass they seemed to omit from the original. Arctangent

Will the guests get a look in on Geri Halliwell's chat show while she talks about herself? Peter Kerr

The Void; Teletext page 827; 17th of May, 2007; 6/7.

I don't think Arctic Monkeys fans are stupid fans are stupid, just not using their ears. I believe most are victims of hype to fall for something so banal. It seems OK to state this in relation to pop acts like Westlife and Ray Quinn, but not the Arctics. Allwaystired

I saw Saosin in Manchester recently. It was only a small venue, but what a powerful performance. But then, big venues aren't always bad. They rocked, and met the fans afterwards. Jules K

The Void; Teletext page 827; 18th of May, 2007; 6/7.

I've finally heard the new Manics single. If I didn't recognise the song title, I would have passed it off as another rubbish "The" band. How that's from the same band who did The Holy Bible, I'll never know. Ciderduck

Twilight Singers' new album, Powder Burn, is brilliant. Greg Dulli hasn't lost his touch after all these years. He's one of the most forgotten men in music; which is a shame, as he's such a talented guy. The Doc

The Void; Teletext page 827; 19th of May, 2007; 4/7.

Pardon my Tony's tantrums. He gets cranky if he misses his daily fix of Jeremy Kyle and a read of Take A Break. The scamp kids on that he's a diehard Metallica fan, but I know that his idol is actually Mick Gallagher, Irish kazoo maestro.

Now, who's for a nice cup of cocoa? It always calms my wee angel down when he's been lusting after that ginger minx from Girls Aloud. Petunia Satan, Tony Satan's mum

The Void; Teletext page 827; 21st of May, 2007; 2/8.  

OOOOH LOVELY

I must say, WLW, you have done a smashing job decorating WLW Towers for Christmas, but the neighbours are complaining that planes keep landing in the back garden maybe the lights are a little too bright?
Le Enfant Terrible

I told Davord that would happen and as for all the fake snow...

Zine; 14th of December, 2001; 3/8.

Many people dislike Arctic Monkeys; not so much for the music, but because of a gut instinct that their success has been achieved through saturation, airplay and hype. As a product, they provide enjoyment for a target audience, but have little, if any, talent or charisma. They'll be extict within 18 months. So it goes. Siegfried Hahn

For a great seven-minute-plus song, I say Citizen Erased by Muse. It gets better every time I hear it. Lynne R

The Void; Teletext page 827; 21st of May, 2007; 4/8.

I'm sitting in a pile of happiness. I finally managed to get Prince tickets at face value, I bought the new Cinematic Orchestra album, which is as sublime as ever and, to top it off, Liam Frost's album for £4. DJ Rhimes

Every Geri Halliwell single has out-performed its position in the airplay chart. Yet many Kylie singles have under-performed comparatively. Geri's had more No Ones from nine singles than Kylie's had from her last 30. P Pinsent

The Void; Teletext page 827; 21st of May, 2007; 5/8.

What bands have Voiders discovered thanks to TV/ cinema ads? I'm hooked on Camera Obscura's Let's Get Out of This Country, after hearing a song on Tesco's Florence & Fred ads. If only advertisers had subtitled song credits when flogging wares on TV. Steve P

George Michael is an idiot. Hasn't he heard how far-reaching the devastating effects of cannabis psychosis are? Stick to making dodgy, half-baked pop. John Leigh

The Void; Teletext page 827; 22nd of May, 2007; 1/8.

It's only May and the Album of 2007 contest is officially over. Puzzle, the new Biffy Clyro album, is an absolute masterpiece. It's slightly more restrained than Infinity Land, but the songs are stunning. They're the best trio on the planet. The Doc

After having to listen to Brianstorm four times at work on Saturday, it was a treat to see an hour of Hendrix at Ages of Rock. For future reference, that's what a genius is Tyler Durden

The Void; Teletext page 827; 22nd of May, 2007; 2/8.

Top Ten 1-10

1) The Beatles
2) Second coming The Stone Roses
3) 3ft High & Rising De La Soul
4) IV Symbols Led Zeppelin
5) Gorky 5 Gorky's Zygotic Mynci
6) Six Underground Sneaker Pimps
7) Seven James
Eight) Sunday 8pm Faithless
9) Nine Lives Aerosmith
10) Ten Pearl Jam
Jai

The Void; Teletext page 827; 22nd of May, 2007; 6/8.

WE LOVE WESTLIFE

I just searched for Zine clubs on Yahoo and I searched for WLW. I got a group called We Love Westlife! Oh dear God, WLW. Please tell me this has nothing to do with you! I thought it stood for White Line Warrior or Wendy Louise Wilkins (or whatever Plughole Fantasy called you!)> WLW, say it isn't you!
Fluffy The Evil One

It isn't so... really, it isn't so!

Zine; 9th of December, 2001; 7/8.

It's hilarious that people like Siegfried are saying that Arctic Monkeys will be extinct in 18 months. People said that 18 months ago, but it hasn't happened. Instead, they've a No 1 album and are Top 10 in the US. JT

It's a sad state of affairs, when the rather lovely new Wilco album is at No 39; just ahead of Bucks Fizz, but losing to Simply Red. Yet Linkin Park are at No 1. It's not all bad, I guess. Rufus made it to No 2. Leon Noel

The Void; Teletext page 827; 23rd of May, 2007; 4/7.

Blimey, Patti Smith was good on Later With Jools Holland. It was perhaps the best thing my eyes and ears have ever encountered. She was so s*xy and exciting, expressing all the strange joy of the songs she was performing. Her band was simultaneously ragged yet together, making the other acts on the show come across as dull and contrived. Totally compelling. Hands Cold

That R Kelly is a modest chap. Someone needs to build his confidence. JD

The Void; Teletext page 827; 23rd of May, 2007; 5/7.

These R & B chavs, who sample our sacred rock, need throwing into a stagnant pond and made to listen to Reign In Blood by Slayer, on repeat. Mr Crowley

I like Girls Aloud, but some of their fans are misguided. They seem to think 15 consecutive Top 10s make them the biggest girlband ever, but would you rather have 3 No Ones out of 15, or- like Spice- nine from 10? Their debut album was No 1 for 15 weeks, yet GA's Best of only managed a week. P Pinsent

The Void; Teletext page 827; 23rd of May, 2007; 6/7.

Thanks to Clay for his excellent review of Paul McCartney's new album. It's about time he received some praise for his work, instead of the constant nit-picking. Some people think he's a has-been, but I make that five classics in the last 10 years: Flaming Pie, Chaos And Creation, Rushes, Ecce Cor Meum and now Memory Almost Full- if it's as good as Clay says it is.

That's not bad for a bloke in his 60s- with so much work behind me. Moggy

The Void; Teletext page 827; 24th of May, 2007; 1/9.

I have to disagree with Lefty Guns's dismissal of Paul Gambaccini. I actually make a point of watching music TV shows he features in, as he brings a much appreciated insight and gravitas. He has an encyclopaedic knowledge of music, and I have the utmost respect for him. I'd rather watch him than some muppet from T4.

Also, can I just say that I'm in love with Lovefoxxx from CSS. There, I feel better now. Pineapplehead

The Void; Teletext page 827; 24th of May, 2007; 2/9.

Wasn't Patti Smith lovely on Later? But Kate Nash on the same show, looked like Michelle Fowler. Also, am I the only one who doesn't like Rufus Wainwright's voice & thinks Candie Payne is boring? Chasandmorph

It doesn't matter if Lady Sovereign speaks differently to Shystie. British slang is still slang. I hate British artists speaking in faux-American accents or tramping around with cubic zirconia bling. Kirkland Ciccone

The Void; Teletext page 827; 24th of May, 2007; 4/7.

How has Britain fallen so far that Robbie Williams- a fat tattoed Port Vale fan who can't sing- is voted as a great living Briton? What a nation of sheep. Negative Creep

I don't agree with Alison Editor's dismissal of Isobel Campbell as "MOR," but she's spot on about Mark Lanegan. Screaming Trees were a great band, and his solo stuff is fantastic. For me, he has the finest voice in American rock. The Doc

The Void; Teletext page 827; 24th of May, 2007; 5/9.

Everything Is Average Nowadays: pot, kettle, black, Kaiser Chiefs. But to say their new album is average, is being extremely over-generous. In actual fact, it's awful. Ollie Haltam

Here's my interpretation of Peter Pinsent's recent missives: "Geri Halliwell is ace! The Spice Girls! No Ones from 10 years ago! Er, hello? Hello? Anyone still listening? Sound of the wind howling. A tumbleweed blows. Come on, you can do better than that. Mal R

The Void; Teletext page 827; 25th of May, 2007; 1/9.

If anyone is unable to hear the rapturous joy in the effervescing voice of Isobel Campbell, I fear they have no soul. Withered husks of humanity, they deserve to be subjected to that odious Shakira/ Beyonce abomination for all eternity. Also, why are The Fray alive? Cold Lazarou

If Arctic Monkeys are hyped, it's certainly not the band themselves who do it. Cred? Well, they did win the Mercury Prize. Mark Wilkins

The Void; Teletext page 827; 25th of May, 2007; 6/9.

Haller Master, the debut album by Priestess, is one of the best hard rock LPs I've heard in a while. Along with albums by The Wildhearts, Paradise Lost, Dinosaur Jr and Brant Bjork, 2007 is great for rock. Cornwall Steve

I was fortunate to be at London Roundhouse to see Patti Smith. No costumes, lasers or dancers, like Girls Aloud or Lily Allen, just pure quality, from a timeless artist. Music sickness? From Patti; oh, yes please. Jassy

The Void; Teletext page 827; 25th of May, 2007; 5/9.

Dear WLW And Ziners

My top movie cliches

1. Person sits bolt upright in bed, sweating and panting, after a nightmare.
2. Every bullet fired in a movie, has a ricochet sound.
3. Cars collide. They take off, fly through the air and burst into flames. That just doesn't happen!
Shotgun Ziegler

And every bad made-for-TV movie had Jaclyn Smith in it. Bizarre!

Zine; 3rd of January, 2002; 6/8.

Need Some Air by BRMC sounds like Siouxsie and the Banshees. I always loved how Budgie looks, like a strange urchin, and the way he drums. There's something motherly about Siouxsie.

Also, Richard Harries on Newsnight Review drives me mad with lust. The way he gets  into a strop over a Joy Division film, the way he says "misogynisy s*xual m*rd*r fantasy" in a Northern accent and the way he's not impressed by Angelina Jolie... Jade W

The Void; Teletext page 827; 5th of June, 2007; 4/7.

I got my tickets for Kings of Leon's Manchester gig yesterday, but the show isn't until December. I'm going to feel like a little girl waiting for Christmas, for the best band in the world rocking my city. Carla Robinson

Does anyone know what song has these lyrics, please? "Things get damaged, things get broken, but words kept unspoken. Left us so brittle, there was little left to do." Thanks, it's driving me mad. Andrew Clough

The Void; Teletext page 827; 5th of June, 2007; 2/7.

What is Earls talking about, only giving Biffy Clyro's new album 5/10? It's amazing, they're the best band I've seen live and Saturday Superhouse is single of the year. Mund

Underneath the worst George Martin excess, there's a half decent album buried in Pepper. It's no Revolver. I saw The White Stripes on Later, I lasted until halfway through Icky Thump. If they were any more doo-doo, they'd steam. Simon Ellis

The Void; Teletext page 827; 5th of June, 2007; 4/7.

How can anyone criticise Meg White? The woman is coolness personified, rock and roll made flesh, and her garage technique is perfect for The White Stripes. She's also a hot piece of crackling, to be crude. Johnny Decibel

I detest Arctic Monkeys, so it pains me to have to admit that I like the new single Fluorescent Adolescent. I still won't buy it, or the Favourite Worst Nightmare album. I just hate them a little less. Disco Stu

The Void; Teletext page 827; 5th of June, 2007; 5/7.

MEAT LOAF

Over the past week, I have developed an obsession with Meat Loaf.

I was going to change my name to his cool song Objects In The Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer Than They Are, but then I realised I was the one who said that name-changers were just wasting our time. I would be honoured, however, if any newbies were to adopt the aforementioned name. The DeLorean That Got Struck By Lightning

Meat Loaf AND Back To The Future. What varying interests you have.

Zine; 20th of January, 2004; 6/8.

Finally, someone else who loves John Harries on Newsnight Review. If only someone would admit to having a thing for Mark Kermode or Lauren Laverne, I'd feel vaguely normal.
Tara Mulholland

Clay, disparaging Bon Jovi in his stadium gigs feature, can't have seen any of their brilliant stadium shows. They're one of the finest acts of all time, made for larger-than-life stadium gigs. I hate you stuck-up music journo types. Mark Lynch

The Void; Teletext page 827; 6th of June, 2007; 2/7.  

The resurgence of trouble at gigs, especially punk ones, reminds me of Crass shows being smashed up in 1981. I recently saw a Belgian band bottled and chased down the road as thugs thought they were illegal immigrants. You think we live in more enlightened times? Think again.
The Reverend

Paul McCartney says Big Brother is a celebration of mediocrity. Surely the hype over his new album is pretty much the same thing? Shaun Johnson

The Void; Teletext page 827; 6th of June, 2007; 1/7.

It's about time the atrocious mastering practices of CDs got more attention. So much music has all the dynamics and space squashed out of it because someone thinks louder is better. That's what a volume knob is for.

Oh, and as for Sgt. Pepper, it's hard to listen to it with fresh ears these days. But, beneath the hype, it's just beautiful and joyous pop music. A Day In The Life is a masterwork by any standards. Jonno

The Void; Teletext page 827; 6th of June, 2007; 3/7.

Slating Paul McCartney's lyrics on Dance Tonight is a cheap shot. It's a feelgood, uptempo toe-tapper. It doesn't need to say any more. Some of the lyrics on the new album are magnificent, especially House of Wax and The End of The World. Moggy

Earls needs to listen to Erasure's new album again. It harks back to the '90s heyday, with Sunday Girl and Sucker For Love leading to a rewarding Pop! The Next 20 Hits. Angel Duster

The Void; Teletext page 827; 6th of June, 2007; 4/7.

Every song on the new Travis album is brilliant, apart from New Amsterdam. It's a real contender for Album of '07 with so many potential singles. Selfish Jean is a killer. They were great live the other week. Dougie Payne is one of the coolest people in music, bopping around with his bass like a s*xy beast. DJ Dave

The lyrics Andrew Clough was asking about are from Precious by Depeche Mode. Kevster

The Void; Teletext page 827; 6th of June, 2007; 5/7.

1) And Nico The Velvet Underground
2) Sgt Pepper The Beatles
3) Piper At The Gates of Dawn Pink Floyd
4) Absolutely Free Frank Zappa
5) John Wesley Harding Bob Dylan
6) The Doors The Doors
7) Satanic Majesties The Rolling Stones
Eight) Are You Experienced? Jimi Hendrix
9) United Marvin Gaye & Tami Terrell
10) Pillow Jefferson Airplane
DJ Gordy

The Void; Teletext page 827; 6th of June, 2007; 6/7.

Satan's Little Helper
It was while decorating the French room today, that I managed to staple my finger to the wall. Ow. It hurt.

Sacre bleu!

Travis, Queen of The Monkeys
Page One, eh? I like what you've done with the place.

Well, I like it. It's not much, but I call it home.

Cockney London Person
I could do with some retail therapy right now- but, unfortunately, I can't stand stopping.

Online shopping, it's the future.

Zine; 14th of July, 2004; 1/8.