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Barry's Jokes

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Dinglebutt

| 11,949 posts

19^th Mar 2010 at 8:41 am

I aim to misbehave

When I was a child, my parents got a divorce and my brother and I got seperated. This left a huge hole in my heart. We were conjoined twins

I got a massage the other day. Afterwards, the masseuse asked me if I wanted a happy ending, so I said yes. She killed a dragon and restored peace to my village.

I went to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting last night. The first guy stood up and said "I'm Steve, and I'm an alcoholic". I thought to myself "Do flying fish have fins or wings? Or fings? Is that where fish fingers come from?". I was still drunk.

I bought a Muhammad Ali Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine last week. It's better than the George Foreman one, but it shakes a lot more

Mal: Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
Zoë: Big damn heroes, sir.
Mal: Ain't we just.

Dinglebutt

| 11,949 posts

19^th Mar 2010 at 8:47 am

I aim to misbehave

I watched Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon last night. Those Dragons are well hidden

Mal: Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
Zoë: Big damn heroes, sir.
Mal: Ain't we just.

Dinglebutt

| 11,949 posts

19^th Mar 2010 at 9:13 am

I aim to misbehave

I met the Jigsaw Killer from Saw outside a playground last night. He said "Did you see Saw?". I said "No, I was just on the swings for a while"

Mal: Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
Zoë: Big damn heroes, sir.
Mal: Ain't we just.

Jewbacca

| 6,793 posts

19^th Mar 2010 at 9:52 am

THESE JOKES ARE BAD AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD.

AAAAAAARRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Dinglebutt

| 11,949 posts

19^th Mar 2010 at 9:55 am

I aim to misbehave

They're MY jokes. What more do you expect?

Mal: Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
Zoë: Big damn heroes, sir.
Mal: Ain't we just.

Jewbacca

| 6,793 posts

19^th Mar 2010 at 10:01 am

I've got a joke for you while you're here. What did Jim say when someone stepped on his toe?

AAAAAAARRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Dinglebutt

| 11,949 posts

19^th Mar 2010 at 10:04 am

I aim to misbehave

Quote: Sue Sylvester, Mar 2010

I've got a joke for you while you're here. What did Jim say when someone stepped on his toe?

Ow! You stupid f*cking c*ntnugget!

Mal: Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
Zoë: Big damn heroes, sir.
Mal: Ain't we just.

Jewbacca

| 6,793 posts

19^th Mar 2010 at 10:21 am

Quote: Paddy Irishman, Mar 2010

Quote: Sue Sylvester, Mar 2010
I've got a joke for you while you're here. What did Jim say when someone stepped on his toe?

Ow! You stupid f*cking c*ntnugget!

Close, but no cigar

AAAAAAARRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Albi The Racist Dragon

| 7,432 posts

19^th Mar 2010 at 9:11 pm

Quote: Paddy Irishman, Mar 2010

I got a massage the other day. Afterwards, the masseuse asked me if I wanted a happy ending, so I said yes. She killed a dragon and restored peace to my village.

Actually lol'd.

[http://card.mygamercard.net/gbar/joelsaysyeah.gif]

[http://www.vegetablerevolution.co.uk/uploads/698876.jpg]

wombat

| 8,154 posts

20^th Mar 2010 at 11:44 am

Technically sexy.

I disagree with Martin.

Southern hemispherical rat boy

Dinglebutt

| 11,949 posts

20^th Mar 2010 at 3:02 pm

I aim to misbehave

Quote: wombat, Mar 2010

I disagree with Martin.

He's just jealous. Like a guy with no Brylcreem

Mal: Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
Zoë: Big damn heroes, sir.
Mal: Ain't we just.

Dinglebutt

| 11,949 posts

21^st Mar 2010 at 5:08 pm

I aim to misbehave

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It's just hard to tell because apiarists wear those big facemasks

Mal: Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
Zoë: Big damn heroes, sir.
Mal: Ain't we just.

Topper

| 6,773 posts

21^st Mar 2010 at 5:13 pm

Dismantling a person is sometimes necessary...

The only joke I've ever written was by mistake and hugely racist so I can't even tell anyone it.

I hope some day, for some reason, David Duchovny is investigated by the FBI. Because that would make a great story.

http://www.myspace.com/toppercutter

Dinglebutt

| 11,949 posts

21^st Mar 2010 at 5:18 pm

I aim to misbehave

Quote: Abacus, Mar 2010

The only joke I've ever written was by mistake and hugely racist so I can't even tell anyone it.

Just replace any racist terms with the word 'banana'. Like I did with this one:

I saw a monkey throwing a banana at another monkey. It reminded me of a banana throwing a banana at another banana

Mal: Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
Zoë: Big damn heroes, sir.
Mal: Ain't we just.

Topper

| 6,773 posts

21^st Mar 2010 at 5:21 pm

Dismantling a person is sometimes necessary...

If you accidentally make up a racist joke does that make you racist? I'm pretty sure I'm not racist but maybe I am. I'm exactly the sort of person who'd be racist and not even realise it...

...It's ok, VR, don't fear, I just had full sex with a black man, so I can't be gay.

I hope some day, for some reason, David Duchovny is investigated by the FBI. Because that would make a great story.

http://www.myspace.com/toppercutter

Dinglebutt

| 11,949 posts

21^st Mar 2010 at 5:29 pm

I aim to misbehave

Pity. Not that you're not gay, but that you had full sex. Now you have to marry him. Tis the way of the Lord your God Jesus Christ.

Also, if you say Jesus backwards it sounds like sausage

Mal: Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
Zoë: Big damn heroes, sir.
Mal: Ain't we just.

Topper

| 6,773 posts

21^st Mar 2010 at 5:33 pm

Dismantling a person is sometimes necessary...

Quote: Paddy Irishman, Mar 2010

Pity. Not that you're not gay, but that you had full sex. Now you have to marry him. Tis the way of the Lord your God Jesus Christ.

Also, if you say Jesus backwards it sounds like sausage

It doesn't, I don't believe that, it really does not sound like sausage, seriously no, it does not at all, you thick cu...oh yeah, it does.

I once had marriage with a balaclava.

I hope some day, for some reason, David Duchovny is investigated by the FBI. Because that would make a great story.

http://www.myspace.com/toppercutter

Dinglebutt

| 11,949 posts

22^nd Mar 2010 at 4:26 pm

I aim to misbehave

I read a book on glue last week. It was great. Then again, every book is great when you've been sniffing glue

Mal: Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
Zoë: Big damn heroes, sir.
Mal: Ain't we just.

Little Blue Fox.

| 4,256 posts

23^rd Mar 2010 at 12:05 pm

Hope is important.

I thought of a tiny joke last night. I am sorry it is really silly (and not funny)...

Oh my goodness! It is really terrible. Two geckos mugged my chameleon - they beat him black and blue (and red and purple and yellow).

It hurts too much not to try.
I will see you in another life when we are both cats.
Quod perditum est, in venietur.*Facebook.

Dinglebutt

| 11,949 posts

29^th Mar 2010 at 1:35 pm

I aim to misbehave

I always put business before pleasure. Especially when it comes to alphabetising.

Mal: Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
Zoë: Big damn heroes, sir.
Mal: Ain't we just.

Delirium Tremens

| 1,875 posts

29^th Mar 2010 at 2:47 pm

Quote: Paddy Irishman, Mar 2010

I always put business before pleasure. Especially when it comes to alphabetising.

I really liked that when I saw it on facebook. It reminded me of a Pratchett aside that went something like

"And she didn't believe that cleanliness was next to Godliness unless they were appearing in a very sternly abridged dictionary."

I'm not saying it was plagarised, just that they had a pleasingly similar throughline. And not forgetting you are, of course, Irish and therfore functionally illiterate.

Dinglebutt

| 11,949 posts

29^th Mar 2010 at 2:54 pm

I aim to misbehave

Quote: James, Mar 2010

Quote: Paddy Irishman, Mar 2010
I always put business before pleasure. Especially when it comes to alphabetising.

I really liked that when I saw it on facebook. It reminded me of a Pratchett aside that went something like

"And she didn't believe that cleanliness was next to Godliness unless they were appearing in a very sternly abridged dictionary."

I'm not saying it was plagarised, just that they had a pleasingly similar throughline. And not forgetting you are, of course, Irish and therfore functionally illiterate.

You spelt therefore wrong

Mal: Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
Zoë: Big damn heroes, sir.
Mal: Ain't we just.

Delirium Tremens

| 1,875 posts

29^th Mar 2010 at 3:13 pm

Quote: Paddy Irishman, Mar 2010

Quote: James, Mar 2010
Quote: Paddy Irishman, Mar 2010
I always put business before pleasure. Especially when it comes to alphabetising.

I really liked that when I saw it on facebook. It reminded me of a Pratchett aside that went something like

"And she didn't believe that cleanliness was next to Godliness unless they were appearing in a very sternly abridged dictionary."

I'm not saying it was plagarised, just that they had a pleasingly similar throughline. And not forgetting you are, of course, Irish and therfore functionally illiterate.

You spelt therefore wrong

Cut me some slack. I can neither read nor write, I just sort of slap at the buttons on my keyboard in no logical order and hope they contribute to the discussion at hand in someway. Hopefully, it's worked so far.

Dinglebutt

| 11,949 posts

29^th Mar 2010 at 3:17 pm

I aim to misbehave

I use a dictophone. And my testicles to send texts

(better when spoken aloud)

Mal: Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
Zoë: Big damn heroes, sir.
Mal: Ain't we just.

Jewbacca

| 6,793 posts

29^th Mar 2010 at 4:49 pm

Quote: Paddy Irishman, Mar 2010

I use a dictophone. And my testicles to send texts

(better when spoken aloud)

No, it's really not

AAAAAAARRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

wombat

| 8,154 posts

29^th Mar 2010 at 5:22 pm

Technically sexy.

Quote: Little Blue Fox., Mar 2010

I thought of a tiny joke last night. I am sorry it is really silly (and not funny)...

Oh my goodness! It is really terrible. Two geckos mugged my chameleon - they beat him black and blue (and red and purple and yellow).

I like the joke but not the delivery.

Southern hemispherical rat boy

Dinglebutt

| 11,949 posts

11^th May 2010 at 7:59 am

I aim to misbehave

I made my girlfriend a candlelit dinner last night. It took ages to cook that way.

Mal: Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
Zoë: Big damn heroes, sir.
Mal: Ain't we just.

Dinglebutt

| 11,949 posts

11^th May 2010 at 8:47 am

I aim to misbehave

Did you hear about the cannibal chef? He made his girlfriend dinner

Mal: Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
Zoë: Big damn heroes, sir.
Mal: Ain't we just.

Jewbacca

| 6,793 posts

11^th May 2010 at 9:56 am

If I didn't have you on facebook i would be stealing these

AAAAAAARRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Dinglebutt

| 11,949 posts

12^th May 2010 at 7:46 pm

I aim to misbehave

Quote: Sue Sylvester, May 2010

If I didn't have you on facebook i would be stealing these

Quote: Jimmy, May 2010

This is genius.

Mal: Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
Zoë: Big damn heroes, sir.
Mal: Ain't we just.

Dinglebutt

| 11,949 posts

12^th May 2010 at 7:48 pm

I aim to misbehave

My friends say I am a cunning linguist because I use euphamisms

Been trying to come up with the proper ending for this joke for a week now. It just doesn't seem right

Edited by Dinglebutt May 2010

Mal: Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
Zoë: Big damn heroes, sir.
Mal: Ain't we just.

Delirium Tremens

| 1,875 posts

13^th May 2010 at 1:48 pm

Quote: Paddy Irishman, May 2010

My friends say I am a cunning linguist because I use euphamisms

Been trying to come up with the proper ending for this joke for a week now. It just doesn't seem right

...I kiss in French?

Dinglebutt

| 11,949 posts

13^th May 2010 at 6:36 pm

I aim to misbehave

Quote: James, May 2010

Quote: Paddy Irishman, May 2010
My friends say I am a cunning linguist because I use euphamisms

Been trying to come up with the proper ending for this joke for a week now. It just doesn't seem right

...I kiss in French?

No you see cunning linguist is the euphamism. I think maybe it should be:

My friends say I'm a cunning linguist because I have a quick tongue

Mal: Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
Zoë: Big damn heroes, sir.
Mal: Ain't we just.

Delirium Tremens

| 1,875 posts

13^th May 2010 at 8:25 pm

Quote: Paddy Irishman, May 2010

Quote: James, May 2010
Quote: Paddy Irishman, May 2010
My friends say I am a cunning linguist because I use euphamisms

Been trying to come up with the proper ending for this joke for a week now. It just doesn't seem right

...I kiss in French?

No you see cunning linguist is the euphamism. I think maybe it should be:

My friends say I'm a cunning linguist because I have a quick tongue

Now, that's a well structured one-liner.

Much like this.

[http://img.nauticexpo.com/images_ne/photo-g/motor-boat-express-cruiser-110809.jpg]

Dinglebutt

| 11,949 posts

13^th May 2010 at 9:04 pm

I aim to misbehave

Might still need work, not 100% convinced on it. Do for now though. Cheers Jimber!

Mal: Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
Zoë: Big damn heroes, sir.
Mal: Ain't we just.

Dinglebutt

| 11,949 posts

30^th Jul 2010 at 6:40 pm

I aim to misbehave

I bought my girlfriend a voucher for a bikini wax. She ripped all her other bikinis trying to shave them

I went for a job interview at Marvel. They asked me to name pictures of superheroes. It was a test of character

My cockney uncle tried to make a house out of fruit, but his apples and pears collapsed

My friend said he could see people stealing geese, so I decided to take a gander

I was going to make an ethnic joke, but I'm too drunk

I was going to make a non-sequitur, but I like zombies

I wish I could remember that off the cuff remark I made about Abu Hamza

Do blind people often bite the hand that feeds them?

Mal: Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
Zoë: Big damn heroes, sir.
Mal: Ain't we just.

Delirium Tremens

| 1,875 posts

30^th Jul 2010 at 6:57 pm

Quote: Barrington Smash, Jul 2010

Do blind people often bite the hand that feeds them?

A: Yes, if they don't get their hand out of the way fast enough.

Dinglebutt

| 11,949 posts

30^th Jul 2010 at 6:59 pm

I aim to misbehave

Quote: James, Jul 2010

Quote: Barrington Smash, Jul 2010

Do blind people often bite the hand that feeds them?

A: Yes, if they don't get their hand out of the way fast enough.

Mal: Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
Zoë: Big damn heroes, sir.
Mal: Ain't we just.

Dinglebutt

| 11,949 posts

1^st Aug 2010 at 8:50 am

I aim to misbehave

I can't believe Adam and Eve fell for that snake tempting them with the apple. That's the oldest trick in the book

Mal: Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
Zoë: Big damn heroes, sir.
Mal: Ain't we just.

Dinglebutt

| 11,949 posts

1^st Aug 2010 at 11:32 pm

I aim to misbehave

I used a disabled toilet. It won't flush.

I like coming up with jokes, but always get paranoid that someone else has already come up with it.

Mal: Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
Zoë: Big damn heroes, sir.
Mal: Ain't we just.

Delirium Tremens

| 1,875 posts

1^st Aug 2010 at 11:35 pm

Quote: Barrington Smash, Aug 2010

I like coming up with jokes, but always get paranoid that someone else has already come up with it.

Dinglebutt

| 11,949 posts

1^st Aug 2010 at 11:45 pm

I aim to misbehave

Quote: Jambalaya On the Bayou, Aug 2010

Quote: Barrington Smash, Aug 2010
I like coming up with jokes, but always get paranoid that someone else has already come up with it.

Its true though. I always think, especially when I make jokes using a well known phrase, that someone has already come up with the same joke.

I told my friend the "cunning linguist" joke, and he told a mate of his at work, who then accused me of stealing the joke from James Bond because of this line:

James Bond: [Whilst being in bed with his Scandinavian language tutor] I always enjoyed learning a new tongue.
Moneypenny: You always were a cunning linguist, James.

IT'S NOT THE SAME JOKE! MINE DOES NOT REQUIRE SUCH A RIDICULOUS SET UP! AND THE DOUBLE-MEANING IN MINE IS A DIFFERENT DOUBLE-MEANING THAN THAT ONE!

Cunning Linguist is a euphamism for cunnilingus. Yes. And I see the similarities in the jokes. But I came up with mine in a different way

Mal: Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
Zoë: Big damn heroes, sir.
Mal: Ain't we just.

Delirium Tremens

| 1,875 posts

2^nd Aug 2010 at 12:09 am

Och, aye, McLynch, don't worry about it. There's so few original ideas left at this stage that even an intelligent spin on an old concept will give you some mileage. The important thing is that you're unaware that it's been thought before. It's your idea, it came from your head. This is what the human brain is for - creativity. And isn't it a good feeling? It's just that there's been a few hundred thousand years of possibilities used up.

Keep on, son, there are worse ways* to spend your time than to amuse your friends on the internet.

*murder and caring about sports spring to mind.

Dinglebutt

| 11,949 posts

2^nd Aug 2010 at 7:27 am

I aim to misbehave

Just when I was feeling good after what you guys said, I checked Twitter (where I first put the disabled toilet joke)

Griff: Colin told me that joke ages ago! It's still funny though

Ah f*ck it. If I'm reaching the same level of funny as Colin, that can only be a good thing

Mal: Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
Zoë: Big damn heroes, sir.
Mal: Ain't we just.

Delirium Tremens

| 1,875 posts

2^nd Aug 2010 at 11:39 am

Quote: Barrington Smash, Aug 2010

Just when I was feeling good after what you guys said, I checked Twitter (where I first put the disabled toilet joke)

Griff: Colin told me that joke ages ago! It's still funny though

Ah f*ck it. If I'm reaching the same level of funny as Colin, that can only be a good thing

The thing to remember is that Griff loves Colin with a love both rare and true and therefore ascribes all the good in the world to him.

"Well done on inventing the concept of charity, Col!"

learrggh

| 5,670 posts

2^nd Aug 2010 at 11:42 am

Quote: Jambalaya On the Bayou, Aug 2010

Quote: Barrington Smash, Aug 2010
Just when I was feeling good after what you guys said, I checked Twitter (where I first put the disabled toilet joke)

Griff: Colin told me that joke ages ago! It's still funny though

Ah f*ck it. If I'm reaching the same level of funny as Colin, that can only be a good thing

The thing to remember is that Griff loves Colin with a love both rare and true and therefore ascribes all the good in the world to him.

"Well done on inventing the concept of charity, Col!"

It's funny cos it's true.

Dinglebutt

| 11,949 posts

2^nd Aug 2010 at 1:19 pm

I aim to misbehave

Quote: Jambalaya On the Bayou, Aug 2010

Quote: Barrington Smash, Aug 2010
Just when I was feeling good after what you guys said, I checked Twitter (where I first put the disabled toilet joke)

Griff: Colin told me that joke ages ago! It's still funny though

Ah f*ck it. If I'm reaching the same level of funny as Colin, that can only be a good thing

The thing to remember is that Griff loves Colin with a love both rare and true and therefore ascribes all the good in the world to him.

"Well done on inventing the concept of charity, Col!"

Ahahaha

Mal: Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
Zoë: Big damn heroes, sir.
Mal: Ain't we just.

Little Blue Fox.

| 4,256 posts

15^th Aug 2010 at 6:12 pm

Hope is important.

I made of a tiny joke about watermelons, but I am not sure I should say it at-all - it is pretty fruity!

Also, I made a tiny joke about squirrels too - it is really nuts.

Also also, I made a joke about deja vu, but I am really worried everyone has heard it already.

Edited by Little Blue Fox. Aug 2010

It hurts too much not to try.
I will see you in another life when we are both cats.
Quod perditum est, in venietur.*Facebook.

IGH: Just who was The Brigadier

ratammer: squeak

Debs|OWA: o/

IGH: Wibble

Vel: *sigh*

Emma: Hi VR...

Princess Psycho: Hi I am back in the UK so how are everyone been keeping. Has Fluffy had that little accident yet?

Claire: SHOUTBOX OF VRRRRRR

Rayanne Graff: Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Lucozade Lover: Happy New Year!

Crinkle-Cut Beatroot: Happy new year <3

Claire: BOXSHOUT

Rayanne Graff: Happy Easter.

Emma: So… Posting a new thread is Fission Mailing… so I’m putting this here.

Emma: I know there aren’t many people looking at this anymore… but I have made the decision to stop paying for the VR hosting and to let the domain lapse.

Emma: I think it will be going offline around the end of May

Emma: It’s been almost 10 years since James passed away… and I feel like it’s time.

Emma: A lot of the regulars can be found on the VR veterans group on Facebook - if you see this and you’re not in there, come join us.

Crinkle-Cut Beatroot: What's the facebook group called? I couldn't find it...

Jimmy: VR VeteRans https://www.facebook.com/groups/174360109375424/?mibextid=K35XfP

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