So... Er... Yeah...

Heh, not really sure where I'm going to go with this but what the hell, it's 2am and I can't sleep.

I've been kinda out of touch with a lot of people for a long time. Not just because I realised Robbie was an arrogant tw*tbag with control issues (yes, it really did take me that long to figure out), but also because I've not been myself for a long time. And I think deep down I knew it.

If there's one thing that really annoys me about myself, it's the fact that I seem to be able to let people manipulate my mind and twist me into something I'm not. Worst of all I don't even realise it. So, this is also a part apology for me acting like a b*tch the past er... well, long time. Ok, maybe not a total apology as I still stand by some things that I said.

Fact is, when you have someone f*cking up your head day in and day out on top of trying to deal with clinical depression without medication, it's tough to keep yourself together. Some days I honestly felt like I was hanging onto myself by just a thread. And no, that's not some emo crap. See, with clinical depression it's kinda like this:
Better detail than what I can word myself. For me, it's a biological imbalance (or so they seem to think), which means that when things get me down, I go all the way down. Sometimes this can happen when everything in my life is fine. I can wake up one day and just feel like absolute and utter sh*t, not wanting to get out of bed, talk to anyone... Yeah, I know we all have off days but on mine I feel like I really shouldn't do anything in case I f*ck things up even more. And it invariably happens. For me, "one of those days happens" at least once a week. I think that was the first hint for me that something wasn't quite right. But I still tried to kid myself that things were ok. Well, I realise now I was wrong.

Having spoken to quite a few people "since", as I prefer to call the whole Robbie incident, it's been generally acknowledged that I'm a lot more cheerful, back to my old temperment.

I won't go into detail about what exactly the w*nker put me through, but let's just say that it's the lowest I've ever been. The first time I've had nowhere to sleep for the night (apart from the lobby of Mitcham Police station and only because my mother reported me as missing), that I've walked out of somewhere with only a carrier bag of papers and the clothes I stood up in. Yes, I had to leave quickly.

I'm proud of myself for how far I've come since June, but I can't help but be annoyed at myself for a) letting him turn me into what I did (which almost destroyed a couple of good friendships) and b) for not realising what was going on sooner despite the warnings of several people.

If I have offended you since the start of 2007, then I'm not going to break down and apologise just because I was going through some sh*t. Sure, it made me act out of turn a lot, but I prefer to apologise for individual acts rather than a blanket apology which could include stuff that I actually intended.

So yes...




Can someone get me a spoon, please?