bit of an emotional rant.

I’m just getting a bit tired of always ‘being ok’ and stuff, and being 'fine'. I always feel I have to pretend I’m ok because I feel guilty for feeling bad when most people think I have it alright. The thing is, I do have it alright…I’m really not the most unfortunate person at all. I’ve been lucky with the way my life has gone. I’m doing the degree that I’ve been aiming for my entire life, I’m living in London rent-free, I’m getting to do my own thing, and yet somehow, it’s just….I don’t know, I am so down at the moment, and every time any of my friends talk to me, I’m all ‘yeah, yeah, I’m fine’ because I don’t want to get them down and make them feel bad, I don’t want to be the one constantly griping about how bad their life is, because you know what, that is no fun to listen to. The thing is, I was fine. I was so fine. I’d worked through everything, everything that had bothered me about my family and all that, I had finally worked through it, I was over it, I was sorted and I was happy, I was going to London, I was going to art school, my head was fine. I was confident about myself. I might not have got straight As like everyone else had, but I was doing what I enjoyed, and I was going to be fine, and I was good at what I did. I was a good artist. I knew what was what, I knew where I was going wrong, I knew how to better myself. And then, I had my first term at college, and it was all great, and then that January, it just all fell apart, and everything just went so wrong, and the thing is, I thought by the end of last year I was finally getting on my feet again, I was doing my degree, I had my friends, I could BE around people, I’d stopped avoiding going out so that I wouldn’t freak people out, I had a life, and people actually wanted to be around me, people liked me, and I’d finally got it, and I was confident about myself and I was confident about my abilities, and I could do my work again, I was still a good artist, I hadn’t lost it after all, I was motivated, and it was all coming back up, and I felt like I was going to be happy again, I was waiting for that day when I stood back and looked around and could say ‘oh my goodness…I’m happy…’ again, and then somehow….even thought there has been no big thing going on this term, I’ve just lost my direction and my creativity and the only times I have felt ok have been those times when I’ve been around people, but again, again, I’ve been isolating myself, and I find it so so so hard to be around people, but that is the only time I can look back and think ‘actually, I’m ok, I am normal’…like…the night of my private view…that was fine, I felt like maybe I had got it back, and then I lost it again, but then the Monday I went to the cinema with Margaux, and the Wednesday I was out with people from the graphics school, and it sounds so pathetic, but I felt so happy and so grateful, because these people wanted to be around me, and then there was Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, spent totally on my own, apart from the Saturday night when I was at my brother-in-law’s birthday, and just a few days on my own and I have too much time in my head and I just go back to this stammering loser who cannot talk to people cannot think of anything to say, and then I’ve come back home and been thinking about how badly I’ve treated some people in my lifetime, and I’m alone because these people who wanted to be around me, I’ve pushed them away, and gradually, they’ve learnt they don’t need me or they’ve realised that actually, I’m not a great person to be around, and the thing is…I mean, I have my best friends from school, and they are great and they’re still my best friends, but when the nearest one lives 100 miles away, you cannot see them that much and even though you’re still in contact all the time, it is hard to still be a big part of their life when they’re at college because they aren’t seeing you all the time, and I made friends last year, but then after everything that happened with my flatmates, I lost the genuine people around me because I was acting so so strange because I was trying to pretend I was ok and was failing so miserably, and then there were various people I could trust and I still talk to most of them, but then, starting my degree, not living in halls, and living in a different part of the city from other people…I mean, Margaux is my best friend down south, I lived with her and did foundation with her last year and this year we started our degree together, and we’re pretty close, but she lives almost an hour away so it’s hard going to see each other outside of college because it takes time to travel and everyone else, I mean, the first time my class actually socialised together outside of college was just before we broke up for easter, that’s how long it has taken everyone, and there aren’t any students in Balham, so it’s hard to make local friends, and everyone is ok because the majority have the people that they live with, because they live with so many people, and the only person I live with is Luke, and, I can talk to him about some stuff, but again, I don’t want to be the down one who just moans, and so he’ll ask if I’m ok, and I’ll say ‘I’m fine’ and even when my best friends are asking me, I’m saying I’m fine, because they’re fine, and I feel ashamed that I’m not fine, because these are supposed to be some of the best years of my life, and I’m just wasting them being miserable whereas my friends are having such a good time and I just need to be around some real physical people who I can talk to in person instead of over the phone or emailing, and whom I can say actually, I’m not ok at the moment without feeling I’m being too self-absorbed or wasting their time. And this time last month, something bad happened and I couldn’t tell anyone because I knew they’d just tell me how stupid I was, I couldn’t even tell the person involved because then I’d have been putting them in a bad situation, and for a couple of weeks, I thought I had utterly f*cked up majorly...and I know it turned out ok in the end, but at the time I really couldn’t say anything to anyone because they were just going to turn around and blame me. And there’s a couple of people who I just want to apologise to, because I pushed them away when I was feeling bad and didn’t want them to see it and didn’t want them to not want to be around me because I was like that, and gradually, they just thought I didn’t want to be around them and learnt to live with that and got on with their lives and now have nothing to say to me because they think I’m utterly heartless, when really….I’m just not in a great place and feel so….frustrated at how alone I am. I would feel so much better if I could just apologise to Ant for everything because, I feel so guilty, but now I’d be able to explain what was going on in my head, apart it’s so far in the past he’d think I had some kind of hidden agenda if I brought it up. And I know this sounds like a big stupid pathetic thing when everyone else has got stuff going on, but there is not one thing I can pin this down to and I’m sorry for sounding so ‘eh ma god, my life is so bad’ when I really could be so much worse off. And the thing is, normally, I could sit down with my sketchbook and after a few pages, I would have it all out and could understand what is going on, but I can’t draw properly even more and nothing I do is that inspired anymore and they’re just going to ask me to leave the course next term because after all the work I put in last year, I’ve wasted this opportunity to get somewhere. I feel really lonely. I just want to feel like me again and look like me again and act like me again, because it never seems to come out anymore. I used to be able to be fun, and now I’m so boring and bland and dull.

The most frustrating thing is I know I need to be around people to get back to being myself, and yet practically every time anyone asks to see me, I say I can’t because I’m too scared of being around people.

So sorry, this is utterly self-indulgent crap that I needed to get out, those of you in the real world can tell me to stop being such an uptight bint and stop being so f*cking self-obsessed and pathetic.

Although, I would like to add that mental issues (including anxiety and depression) generally are exacerbated by a 'hard' life than caused by one. You seem to be genuinely having problems so I would recommend seeking professional help if you aren't already.

And stop telling people you are fine. You know it isn't doing you any good. You don't have to shout it out of the window at random passersby, but pick at least someone who lives close to you and tell them you're having a hard time. If anything, they can kick your a*s when it comes to socialising and help you get out more.