Relationship Problems

I've been in a long distance relationship with a girl for a few months now. I really like her and things are getting serious between us. The only problem is that we argue about silly things. Really silly things. Like how much to spend on a holiday. It just seems that small things turn into massive arguments.

Whenever I try to bring things up with her, she gets angry or upset, tells me to f*ck off, and generally makes me feel bad because I've upset her so I go along with whatever she says. I know this isn't healthy at all, but for her to be happy, I have to do as she wants. Most of the time I do agree with her and want to do the same things so it's not a massive conflict of interests, but on the times where we don't see eye to eye, it turns into a huge fight over something really tiny because all these little arguments build up.

There's also the element of her suffering from depression which she won't be treated for because she hates the idea of medication, because of the side effects, and the possibility that having the condition on her medical records will stop her from being able to apply for certain jobs that she wants to do. One minute she's on a high, the next she comes crashing down which also causes difficulties with arguments. Again, I can't talk to her about this because I get the same response that I've ruined her good mood and she'll thrown a tantrum.

I don't see her as often as I'd like and it's hard to talk about any of this with her over MSN or email because I know she'll just read it and delete it. I know it's something that I have to deal with in person but I just don't know how to go about it and I'm scared of losing her.

Any ideas, anyone?

Quote: Opiate_Love

I know this isn't healthy at all, but for her to be happy, I have to do as she wants.

That's not a relationship.

You need to be able to talk to each other. It's a nice idea to sacrifice your own happiness for hers, but if that carries on then things won't last long. You'll need to find some way of making this clear to her and tell her how important this is. The depression doesn't help and of course you should be doing anything you can to try and help her get over it, but if she's acting like how you say she is then it'll probably end up with you being depressed :p.

It sounds like this is a thing between you and her that no-one else can help with. Try to just act as calm as you can around her, and as soon as an argument starts keep the same level tone of voice no matter what. Make it clear that it's a two way thing and try and meet each other half way at times where this is possible.

If you're worried about spoiling her happy mood by bringing things up, how about writing it down as a letter and getting her to read it? Stress that it's important, but that she's to read it when she's ready. You say it's long distance, so you not being around whilst she's reading it could be a good thing as it'll give her chance to think. Arguments tend to involve interrupting people just a they're about to make their point and say something important - she can't do that with a letter.

Basically - be supportive, but point out as nicely as you can that it's a two way thing and that you need to be supported too. Relationships are supposed to be equal in as many ways as possible. Two hearts living in one mind and all that, to quote the great Phil Collins. Thing is, the "one mind" is supposed to be the combined mind of both of you, not just hers .

Tell her how you feel, about the situation and about her. Make it clear how much you care for her, but let her know that you both need to be happy.

Quote: Marton

you seem to be under the impression that we are some kind of agony aunt website, when in actual fact we are a dating website.

Dating website my a*se!

Quote: Surfer_Rosa

from a girl who has been in a ldr

You know, I thought you said dlr, and I was going to say I've been on the Docklands Light Railway too, and it was odd.

But you didn't, and my piece is said.

Quote: The_Real_Slim_Shady

I'm the same as your girlfriend. She prolly doesn't exactly feel great about how she treats you either. Thing is, it's hard not to behave like that when you are in that situation. Oh and the bitchiness and fighting is her trying tp push you away cos she doesn't feel she deserves you.

I didn't mention it before, but I had a little bit of déjà vu slapping me in the face when I first read this.

The pushing away thing though - if that's what she's doing then it's still a communication problem. If she wants out of the relationship then she should say so and explain why. Truthfully. And if it's just insecurity then she should explain about that too. If she can't then there's major trust issues and it sounds like that could be part of the problem.

If she's prepared to talk, and talk openly and honestly without trying to take the easy way out and throw you a truckload of petty excuses, then things can be sorted. Trust needs to be built up, but that can't happen unless you actually both talk and let each other know what's going on.

Don't just sit back and hope things will sort themselves out, because chances are they either won't or they'll get worse. I'm not saying to rush anything, but it sounds like communication needs to be improved no matter what's going on. If you're determined then let her know you're there no matter what. If she clams up and still pushes you away then, like Caggie said, you need to choose whether to put up with it or move on.

Arguements over holdiday costs..you should be a fly on the wall in my brain.

Just the other day, an innocent trip to burger king ended up with me threatening to burn my own flat out over whether or not I should go large on my bacon double cheese burger meal.

I think part of me was already angry that I didn't order a chicken royal, or even walk the extra 500 yards down town to subway and it escalated from there.

All this only weeks after a trip to morrisons accumalated in a full scaled punch up with myself in the bread aisle.

Christ.

Just the other day, in fact - with my homies, Lars Ulrich and Cameron Diaz.

The creator of this topic hasn't been online since that post. I'm glad to know we really made a difference

It was me :-[

And I gave advice to myself to confuse you all.

not really

Quote: Hollowness_May_Calm_It

Shortlist of those with same birthday
I think it's the winky guy.

I doubt they'd put the same birthday. I didn't when i used an alter-ego for a few months once

It's hard to respect your wishes when you've already confessed.

Poor Amie

I was just kidding with the winky guy part, I respect their anonymity.

Quote: Satans_Little_Helper

Quote: Radical_Edward

Is it not possible that the person merely lied about their date of birth to help protect themselves? Stop prying into something that you are obviously not wanted to know about beyond the situation.

Well, OBVIOUSLY it's Darren.

Maybe it's YOU! Changing your birthday and sex to fool us, you tricksy hobbit.