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retail therapy only ends up in one place

mortality and truthfulness

Posted In: Rants. Reading This Thread:

Animal

| 32,547 posts

20^th Oct 2002 at 3:01 am

i had a very unique and saddening experiance today, i still work in a pub on weekends so i can get a bit of beer money together(like ive said elsewhere i dont get any cash from my other job since it goes into paying debts)

but yes, i started work at 8, normal shift-it felt a bit odd as i hadnt been in work since about a fortnight ago, anyway one of the bar maids is late so we were running behind on changing the resteraunt part of the pub into somewhere that we can use for a dj etc, there was some football/rugby match on in the back bar section of the pub(the pub is split into a resteraunt and bar section seperated by a wall down the middle)

anyway yeah the back bar was quite busy due to the projector screen having the match on, the usual crowd, a few lonly drinkers out to see a match etc, and a family who had just come for a meal and then gone into the back to watch the game, anyway, i was serving in the resteraunt section of the bar, when kirsty one of the barmaids comes through asking if i knew first aid because someone had passed out, i laughed and made a comment about it sounding like they were plastered, so anyway i go through to check on them and freaked, it was a man of about 60 or so, he had a heart attack in the pub just as the match finished...i back off as even though i did attend a first aid course it was over 4 years ago(by law you cant practice first aid without having a license which needs to be renewed yearly to take into account any new medical standards etc)so due to me being way out of my depth and legally not allowed to touch him i watched one of the customers perform any first aid possible(i really have no idea hat to do when someone is having heart attack), the next ten minutes ws a harrowing scene for all there, he stopped breathing after 3 minutes, someone bent and started to perform CPR to him while his family and the rest of us looked on in shock a cardiovascular paramedic team showed up about 2 minutes later and speant five minutes trying to help, none of it worked, i dont know how many of you have ever been in to a room with a corpes or have witnesseda death at all but holy cow, i have no idea how to react to this, yes people die all the time but ive never before in my life actually seen the life leave someones face, i knew it was too late about a minute after the paramedic started to use the paddles on the man, i dont know i just felt/saw the life leave him.... its very weird a few people who i work with were in tears.. i was... i was shaking but otherwise i seemed fine im still kind of shocked, ive never seen anything like this happen before, f*ck ive never been bothered by death before.

Edited by Animal Oct 2002

http://www.dasburros.com

The world isn't run by weapons anymore, or energy, or money. It's run by little rabbits and zeroes, little bits of data. It's all just electrons.

Cycling Antics

Animal

| 32,547 posts

20^th Oct 2002 at 3:01 am

i just cant keep it in any more though, im not going into detail a few people you may have heard me mention in the past, Kat, Tomy, Sonic, Niel and a few others know what im like to a point, out of those Kat knows why im like this(well she thinks she does and i tried to explain why i act the way i do one night so...)
its the same with someof you, some of you know me quite well, patrick, laura, ellis, hikey, loony-though less so these days-i miss you man, and adam the same for you, seaneen karl(kind of-we're getting there-give it time)to a lesser extent clivey too, and then there is of course rachel (natch-course she knows me well, aside fromt the obvious reason-if she didnt know me well considering then id be worried, we're alike in so many ways, just by knowing herself she can know me-though she doesnt quite know herself in many ways-like me really)

but yes iive lost my point....... yes all these people i care about and who care about me are taking me on a hell of a lot of trust and must face the constant sh*t that goes with that, they know me but only on the surface....less than that infact.....its hard to say without saying too much

but yes, i need to tell someone about me, i need someone to know me so intimatly it hurts ... i guess im scared that something could happen before anyone ever truly knows me now... maybe its too late, i dont know, i barely know myself so how can any one get to know me on such an intimate level if i dont know myself .... hmmmmm

ive said too much and for this i apologise, reply if you want to(i kinda hope no one does.... though on the other hand...) hmmm sorry ive just been in some very odd situations for the last few months, and i think this finaly threw me over... maybe im going through some sort of personal crisis(its highly likely considering....)

anywa yes, ive jut wasted a good five minutes of your life, and for this i am sorry, time is ultimatly the one thing we cant afford to waste... we have so little of it

(im sorry, i think this should have happened a few months ago when someone close told me something very bad...im sorry..... hmm i dont know......)i heard somewhere somewhen that all the events and happenings we witness and go through in life are there to teach us something, i just hope thats not true, if so then why do people need to die for me to learn this lesson, and why cant i learn it the first time round instead of having so many deaths.... people shouldnt die.... sorry thats not right, people shouldnt die in order for me to learn about things.... i know it sounds odd, it was just a comment made by Marie my first serious girlfriend... i guess it hit me deeper than i thought it did

Edited by Animal Oct 2002

http://www.dasburros.com

The world isn't run by weapons anymore, or energy, or money. It's run by little rabbits and zeroes, little bits of data. It's all just electrons.

Cycling Antics

clivey_baby

| 0 posts

20^th Oct 2002 at 12:58 pm

when i was younger a man pasted out in front of me in the street
id dunked off to camden with sum friends and noone knew i was there
at first i thought he was p*ssed (as most the ppl who are in camden usually are)
i sat and watched him for a bit then walked over (i didnt go over straight away cos its very unwise to approach drunks in the streets, cosa ive had experiences of that be4)
i sort of asked him if he was alright and as i was sort of shaking his shoulder gently he rolled over and half of his face was missing, there was blood everywhere, a matter of seconds later i was surounded by ambulance crew
it turned out that he bin hit by a car just round trhe cornor andf stumbled this way for help
i was questioned for hours
it was quite a weird experience
ive experienced that feeling a couple of times now, and darren i know exactly what you mean
the overwhelming fear that you could die and noone wud really know who you are
i felt like that for a good few years
though now i have concluded that noone really stands a chance at knowing me aswell i aqs i wud ever have hoped so now i just give up on that
i used to write a diary of my thorts but i cudnt explain well enough
im hounored you consider me a friend
il see you soon
buy you a few drinks

Animal

| 32,547 posts

20^th Oct 2002 at 1:11 pm

Quote: Clivey_Baby_

though now i have concluded that noone really stands a chance at knowing me aswell i aqs i wud ever have hoped so now i just

that depends, its not actually hard, it just requires total and complete honesty-something that though im cabable of(im honest) im just not used to(im not used to being open about myself)
Quote:

il see you soon
buy you a few drinks

ill hold you to that

http://www.dasburros.com

The world isn't run by weapons anymore, or energy, or money. It's run by little rabbits and zeroes, little bits of data. It's all just electrons.

Cycling Antics

clivey_baby

| 0 posts

20^th Oct 2002 at 1:32 pm

[quote=Sammy_Davis_Jr_ link=1035082903/0#3 date=1035119511]

ill hold you to that

1929

| 2,016 posts

20^th Oct 2002 at 2:17 pm

Hope you're alright girlpants, haven't spoken to ye in a while, I'll drop you an email sometime.

Triptoheaveandhoupdowntoandfroyouhaveno
wordtriptriptoadreamdragonhideyourwingsina
ghosttowersailscacklingateveryplatewebreak
krackedbyscatteredneedlesthelittleminute
goNg

Animal

| 32,547 posts

20^th Oct 2002 at 3:16 pm

Quote: Randall_Flagg_

Hope you're alright girlpants, haven't spoken to ye in a while, I'll drop you an email sometime.

patrick, please dont call me that, only one person can... besides you know how i am over people using my net handles please use my name

how come yr not online any more anyway, i miss you

http://www.dasburros.com

The world isn't run by weapons anymore, or energy, or money. It's run by little rabbits and zeroes, little bits of data. It's all just electrons.

Cycling Antics

Caged Liberty

| 11,209 posts

20^th Oct 2002 at 10:05 pm

Torrential high seas dragged me to my knees

Come and talk to me the next time you're in MSN please.

Love
Laura
x

"It's never too late to be what you might have been"

Quote:

but yes, i need to tell someone about me, i need someone to know me so intimatly it hurts ... i guess im scared that something could happen before anyone ever truly knows me now... maybe its too late, i dont know, i barely know myself so how can any one get to know me on such an intimate level if i dont know myself .... hmmmmm

outcast

| 0 posts

23^rd Oct 2002 at 11:12 am

its strange, but.... before i saw death (ive seen and smelled .. yes that is the worst memory of my life... more times then i would have liked) i was scared of dieing, sometimes i would just suddenly get hit with the thought, im gonna die one day, i dont think it was a fear of death, that hit me, and made everything freeze... but a frar of looseing myself and everything ive done... that scared me. what if i dont do all i want. thats my true fear.

after i saw death i became.. less afraid... like i , i now know what it is... i think its the fear of no knowing that hi me most

i dont wanna die, and i hope i have a lot of time to do all the things i wanna do , and to get to know all the people i want to know, and to find someone to share myself with. but when it comes i wont fear it. not now anyway.

i just hope that people remember me.

i wanna know you , darren and clivey and all the other people here. i wnna know you all, and i wanna spend and share some of my life, my good and bad times with you, thats why i came to vr i suppose, it was.. a hope that.. i would find someone elce who would understand, and ... i wouldnt have to be alone anymore...

hikey

| 5,865 posts

23^rd Oct 2002 at 11:39 am

its the semi automatic stun gun!!!!!!!!!!!! yeehaw

even if there was a fully qualified theatre nurse in the pub at the time when this guy had the heart attack its no guarentee hed ve made it.

i know how you mean about not wanting to die with things as they are ~its like unfinished things need doing saying truth is man it is always like this you will always be unprepared to die even if you set the date something will be missed you never did something never said something

if you are holding back

dont

but dont stop holding back

through FEAR OF DEATH

dying with out knowing dying without telling

stop holding back through FEAR OF LIVING

living a life true to yourself without hiding lieing pretending
a wasted oppurtunity to be yourself isnt a wasted oppurtunity which occurs in death its in life

im sounding like a prick so i will make a comparrison which is no reflection on your situation~~

so many ppl live there whole lives afraid of being true to themselves that they deny themselves so much like the gay guy who marries the first girl who says hes nice enough and dies wishing he had allowed himself the chance to be who he was not who he thought he should be

im not saying its that~ im not even saying its close.

but dead ppl and death and loss are nasty scary sh*t and it always makes me feel like im letting the dead ppl down by not living well enough sorry if this was way too dumb im sort of trying to express something but i dont know if the words here are too sh*tty i look stoopid

he aint all there he dont like beans!!!!!!!!!!!

outcast

| 0 posts

23^rd Oct 2002 at 11:43 am

dont be sorry hikey, be prowed of what you say, its what you believe or think and therefore its not wrong...

and it was well said, although the gaps were a bit big.. lol

hikey

| 5,865 posts

23^rd Oct 2002 at 11:49 am

its the semi automatic stun gun!!!!!!!!!!!! yeehaw

[quote=DaRKWOLF_ link=1035082903/0#10 date=1035373394]dont be sorry hikey,

he aint all there he dont like beans!!!!!!!!!!!

outcast

| 0 posts

23^rd Oct 2002 at 11:53 am

oh ok...

well stay , open to thought , and dont be sorry about what you say aslong as its not out of hatered or anger its all cooolllll

hikey

| 5,865 posts

25^th Oct 2002 at 11:46 am

its the semi automatic stun gun!!!!!!!!!!!! yeehaw

you are f*cking optimistic man *BOLDYELLOW* *BOLDYELLOW*which is good

he aint all there he dont like beans!!!!!!!!!!!

hikey

| 5,865 posts

25^th Oct 2002 at 11:54 am

its the semi automatic stun gun!!!!!!!!!!!! yeehaw

darren man i have a theory but im not gonna share it with you as it will offend

hugs though

sh*t man sorry i shouldnt have said this but if im right you know what i mean

he aint all there he dont like beans!!!!!!!!!!!

Animal

| 32,547 posts

25^th Oct 2002 at 6:39 pm

Quote: hikey_

darren man i have a theory but im not gonna share it with you as it will offend

hugs though

sh*t man sorry i shouldnt have said this but if im right you know what i mean

*looks baffled*

pm it me

http://www.dasburros.com

The world isn't run by weapons anymore, or energy, or money. It's run by little rabbits and zeroes, little bits of data. It's all just electrons.

Cycling Antics

hikey

| 5,865 posts

27^th Oct 2002 at 2:31 pm

its the semi automatic stun gun!!!!!!!!!!!! yeehaw

okay but i mean no offence by it

he aint all there he dont like beans!!!!!!!!!!!

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