My Zulu war stories

Well Chief Bob did'nt respond to well when I told him to stand in the next general election.  He poked me in the eye once again.  After a trip to the hospital I decide it would be fun to chase the staff of Harrods aroung the Food Court dressed as a badger.  This was amusing at first but decided it wasn't really for me and went back to South Africa.

By the time I got to the lodge Chief Bob was already there waiting to poke me in the eye again, which had become some kind of sport amongst the Zulu's towards the British.  We reponded by writing a strongly worded letter to Nelson Mandela but he was busy trying to fight AIDS which I suppose is a good enough excuse.

Ok. IT'S GUILDFORD.

SILENT 'D'.

Ahem.

Chief Bob returned from his visit to Guildford full of praise.  He loved the fact they had escaltors and lifts in the shopping centre and wanted to install some in his village.  Until I reminded him he lives in a wooden hut with only one floor.  He then poked me in the eye with a pointed stick.  

The journey back was quite nice. Well what I could remember was nice such as the taking off and landing the rest was blank mainly because I decided to mix gin with the planes fuel.It has quite a kick. I decided to stay away from naked flames for sometime afterwards.

When I arrived back at the lodge I found Bob sitting outside looking up at the sky he seemed engrossed with the passing clouds. I asked what he was doing he explained he was timing how long it takes the clouds to pass over because tommorow he's going cloud hunting with the tribe. I then explained that clouds could be several thousand feet up and even if you could get to that height you can't actually hunt them down and kill them. Looking upset he wandered off muttering something about finding his pointed stick.

Next day had some breakfast and I had a thought what if a hippo had one leg . I suppose it would just hop around. This thought depressed me all day . But I couldn't dwell on these thoughts for too long Lord Chelmsford was on his way round. Lord Chelmsford is the head of the Royal Tea Guards. A post normaly given to the most dim witted public school student. Though Lord Chelmsford had an usual amount of intelligence for an upper class twit.

Lord Chelmsford had some grim news. The boers who have recently grown in strength have stolen much of the tea. Without it the British Empire would crumble he belived I was the only one to get the tea back and save the Empire. Although rather reluctant to do so he explained if I didn't he would take me outside and shove me into the stomach of a nearby hippo. Not wanting spend the remaining moments of my life inside a hippo I decided to accept. With a smile on his face Lord Chelmsford skipped outside (skipping was the fashionable thing to do among the officers of the British army at the time. It is belived to renforce the instinct to kill .)

Not knowing where to start I decided to head to Durban. A settlement full of Boers at the time. It was under British rule for a short time until the army became bored and decided to head for the beach for a picnic and a quick game of cricket. By the time we got back the blasted Boers had taken over the place the smell of mayonaise and edam cheese haung in the air. The British officers not willing to put up with such things left and headed back to the beach. In fact the army have been there ever since.

I needed help to get their because the roads to Durban are rather unsafe. Mainly because the Boers had decided to kill any Brit that passed by. I would need help from Bob and Ijust hoped he had found his pointed stick.


Arriving at Bob's village I found it almost deserted apart from a group of women. I recognised one as Bob's tenth wife. She was busy with a water buffalo. On closer inspection she had yet again mistaken a female buffalo with a male one. Although the male buffalo she was trying to milk was quite enjoying it. I decided it was wiser to stay away from a horny buffalo after one bad experience on my front lawn. Moving closer to Bob's hut I found him he was sharpening a new pointed stick. Unfortnately I seemed to have turned up at the wrong time. Bob was delighted to see me only so he can test his stick on my by now rather swollen eye.

After many hours of enduring Bob's poking I brang up the subject of the missing tea. He didn't seemed to bothered by it. Zulu's have never really understood our need to drink tea but I have never fully understood why he continually pokes me in the eye. He agreed to escort me to Durban but in return he wanted Bermuda. Thinking I could pull out of the deal later I accepted. While us Europeans normally shake hands to seal the deal the Zulu's tend to slap each other round the face with mackeral. Why mackeral I don't know but it's the main import to South Africa these days. A few slaps round the face with a wet mackeral we were on our way to Durban at last.

Bob advised I should disguise myself for our trip to Durban as he said British people are easily spotted mainly because we seem to amble around foreign places not really knowing where to go. I thought it best to agree to avoid have my eye jabbed again. Next time in London I should pick up a pair of googles that whould confuse Bob. So Bob diguised me as a Boer wearing a fake blonde beard and a large grubby looking hat and a jar of mayonaise just in case they doubt I'm dutch. It's well known the Dutch don't have passports they just carry a jar of mayonaise around with them.

Off we trekked Bob with his stick and me with a jar of mayonaise. Along the way we amused ourselves. Bob enjoyed playing eye spy although he did'nt really get the concept. He of course just tried to poke me in the eye. But I soon managed him to distract him when a cloud passed over. He thought it looked like me. Maybe it was the sun but it looked more like a bottle of gin. Ah gin without it I was dangerously close to being sober and that only meant trouble. The gin gives false courage without it I'm just a coward with a swollen eye and a jar of mayonaise.

When I arrived home I found the house deserted and a solitary note was placed on the fireplace. It was from the butler who had run off with yet another one of my maids. Luckily nobody had run off with the cook. But then again who would want too.

I settled down with some gin but was soon interrupted by the telephone. It was Chuffy again he invited me to a get together at the Royal Albert Hall. He said it would be a small get together of only around 300 people. He also said the current Prime Minister would be in attendance. Unfortunately this PM seemed to have an unusual affection for kilts.

I arrived at the hall at around eight. The place was relatively small. A small bar was in the corner. I noticed Chuffy was speaking to the royal doctor. No doubt trying to find away to re-attach his daughters leg. As I had figured out blu-tak is definitely not the right way to re-attach a limb.

The PM was over in the the distance but sadly was wearing a kilt and had a rather large hole in his head, which he hadn't seemed to of noticed. I approached with the bag of wine gums ready. The PM looked may way and approached. He asked me what my opinion of cheese was. I said it was rather reliable stuff but wasn't the kind of thing you could rely on in a crisis. He seemed rather annoyed at this but offered him a wine gum for comfort. After discussing the importance of wearing thermal underwear when wearing a kilt in the Artic we came upon the subject of Bermuda. He seemed quite happy to hand Bermuda over but he feared a war with Andorra as they had the worlds largest stocks of Lemon Curd. He advised me to travel to Andorra and perhaps bring some Lemon Curd back for him. He promptly left muttering something baked beans.

I caught up with Chuffy he was upset. The royal doctor had refused to re-attach his daughter’s leg without a royal appointment. Unless the leg has been stamped by the royal seal he couldn’t do the surgery. Once again Chuffy asked for help and once again he offered several cases of gin for my time. I left wandering where I could find a member of the royal family at this hour.

Quote: wombat

... what ... is this?

It's bad for you Mark, bad for your brain.

If you don't like it don't read it.  As if your opinions actually matter.  You small insignificant cave dwelling beasts. You notice I have removed the swearing as I will not go down to your level dibs.

Let's clear the air a little. Although quite upset about some previous comments on this thread I considered ending my stories and even leaving VR. But I have had a change of heart and here are more stories. Anybody who doesn't like them please don't post offending comments on my thread. Instead don't read them if you don't like them.

Limping out of the taxi I approached Chuffage manor the home of Chuffy and his legless daughter. Before I even knocked on the door it was wrenched open. Chuffy stood in the shadows of the doorway but I could clearly make out all was not well. His normally neat and emaculate hair was now all askew. He now resembled a city trader who had just lost his fortune on the stock exchange ready to throw himself off the nearest tall building. He snatched at the royal seal and almost shut the door in my face. I tried to enquire what was wrong he simply said he had a sink to unblock, which was odd, as the Chuffy I know barely knows how to use a sink let alone unblock one. He closed the door leaving me quite alone.

When I reached the safety of home my injured buttocks were now the size of a watermelon. It stung like hell. With great difficulty I sunk into a nearby chair and gulped down several bottles of gin. The pain in my backside soon diminished and I drifted off to sleep dreaming of Gin and no longer being engaged to the dreaded Lady Turham.

The next morning I awoke with a start. I was actually lying in my bed, which is a rarity as I normally fall asleep on the cold kitchen floor. Even more curious was the fact I was dressed in pyjamas and my buttocks no longer ached. I wandered on downstairs to find my dreaded fiancé sat in the breakfast room sipping on some tea. How the hell I was meant to marry this woman was beyond me. I mean why do you think I go on these foolish adventures. Her sappy tones filled the room. She explained the doctor had come over to take care of my injury. Luckily she had no idea how I got it, as the Earl of Sandwich was actually a distant relative of hers. I made my excuses and left not wanting to be in the presence of her much longer. Why don't I break off the engagement? Simply because her father would hunt me down kill me then mount my head in his trophy room. I was rather fond of my head it is after all dreadfully important.

I headed for Chuffy's I was worried about the poor chap. Perhaps a trip to the gentleman's club would cheer him up. I arrived at Chuffy's after a brief stop at the local tavern. Nothing like a bit of Gin to awaken the senses. As I drove up the grand drive to his house I noticed several brutish chaps standing outside the house. They were dressed in a rather smart black suit and had the air of undertakers about them. I hesitantly walked towards them they looked like the kind of people who hang around outside restaurants in the west end waiting to mug the upper classes. Before I even got close to them they both marched over to me. Their eyes seemed to glow with rage. The first one to reach spoke to me in a clear German accent. The first bullish looking man with overgrown eyebrows and a set of teeth clearly too large for his mouth asked me to leave. I retorted and explained this is my friend’s house I have every right to be here. They seemed surprised that somebody would be foolish enough to answer back at them. The lurched towards me. The other German withdrew a large black stick and prepared to strike. I admit I cowered but being of slight build and a member of the upper classes I felt fighting was below and decided to accept what was to happen. But before the German's struck a squeal issued across the estate. I looked up to see Chuffy's sister Imogene. She walked over clearly excited to see me but then again she's always excited to see anyone. "Oh Earl" she squealed, "I'm so glad to see you" she then lowered her voice "Chuffy's got into all types of trouble with these brutes. You see he's got himself involved with these German anarchists." Rather startled I shouted "Anarchists here in Egham...” Imogene interrupted "Will you be quite” she looked around at the Germans now busily trying to pretend they didn't hear. We walked into the house. Other brutish German types were busy hanging portraits of a bald fat fellow. Clearly the subject of these portraits had a severe inferiority complex. Imogene and myself entered the Chuffy's study. The place was filled with propaganda leaflets with images of the same fat man from the portraits. Chuffy was marching back and forth muttering under his breath. He was clearly tired his normally sleeked back hair was now out of shape. He seemed rather embarrassed to see me. He struggled to find any words but sputtered out "Earl you shouldn't be here...” His sister angrily interrupted her normal cheerful demeanour tossed aside. "Chuffy you silly nit wit of course Earl should be here he's your friend and your only hope of getting out of this miss." Chuffy rather surprised at his sister’s sudden change replied "But he can't be here these Germans you don’t know what you’re dealing with." I responded "Chuffy I can't leave, look at yourself. You look like me after a heavy night with a Gin bottle." Chuffy tried to speak but simply collapsed into a nearby chair. He looked utterly hopeless. I sank down onto my knees and spoke to Chuffy in the calmest voice possible. " Chuffy tell me what’s going on I hate to see you like this." Chuffy slowly lifted his head up I noticed several droplets of tears gathering in his eyes. He spoke in a now rather shaky and battered voice. "I've been a fool Earl I borrowed money from these German's while in Monaco. You see the Estates in trouble I hardly have any money left." He paused trying to hold back the tears. "When they came back I told them I couldn't pay and now they've taken my house and they want me to leave. But how can I this house has been in my family for generations. If I don‘t leave they‘ve threatened to throttle me. " For a moment my brain was frozen unable to take it all in. Chuffy was always the sensible one. While I spent my years at Cambridge drinking, running about and setting fire to mostly everything Chuffy spent his time buried in books never pointing a foot wrong.

This wasn't the first time I've felt sorry for Chuffy. Although our school years he was bullied and thrown around. One day a fat little boy with an overly large head and had a touch of Turkish blood in him started pushing and shoving Chuffy. Feeling unusually brave I took hold of the fat Turk and promptly threw him out of the open window. Now don't be alarmed it was a ground floor window and their was plenty of foliage to break his fall. Well when I say foliage it was a sharply thorned rose bush. From then on Chuffy and myself were friends for life. We had been through tough times. He was there for me when my parents in a plane crash, which hit me particularly hard. That’s where I first began to drink Gin. Chuffy would make sure I didn't do anything stupid and would often invite me to his estate to stay. I expect he thought if I was around him I would calm down and stop being so wild with the gin.
But it didn’t work mainly because his father had a large wine cellar, which he foolishly left unlocked. I owed Chuffy so much I had to find a way to help him.

I paced up and down Chuffy's study. How can I get Chuffy out of this? I haven't the money myself to pay off the debt. I slumped against the nearest pile of German propaganda. In the distance I heard the anarchists singing out some German song. It sounded awful and it certainly made me thankful not to be German. I leaned back and gazed at the ornate ceiling knowing Chuffy and Imogene were both eagerly waiting for a amazing plan to get them out of this. Well for once I was out of ideas my brain was void of any thought. Perhaps a lifetime of drinking had eroded away my brain cells. But the only way out of this quickly presented it self. Chuffy has no choice his home is now occupied by Germans who were built like gorillas and probably just as violent. I leaned forward and lay my eyes on Chuffy and spoke "Chuffy you have no choice we can't fight our way out of this. The anarchist are psychopathic Germans they're not going to leave without being paid” I leaned further forwards "Chuffy you have to leave, run as far away as possible. The Germans have an empire the size of a small bungalow they can't chase you very far beyond the borders of Europe, grab you're belongings and head to my lodge in Africa." Chuffy face had turned white, his mouth was open and he had the look of a slightly mad cow that was soon to be put down. He stood up approached me I felt for a moment he was going to ring my neck instead he shouted "ARE YOU MAD! I CAN'T UP AND LEAVE THIS HAS BEEN MY FAMILY HOME FOR GENERATIONS. WHERE DO YOU EXPECT I GO ANYWAY." I stood and faced him "Chuffy listen to me you have no other choice. Leave come to South Africa with me we'll figure out a way to raise the money." Imogene stepped forward and placed a comforting arm around Chuffy. The thought of leaving the home he had lived in all his life dawned on him. He buried his face in his sister’s shoulder and sobbed like a small child crying for his mother. Imogene slowly led him out of the house passing the many portraits of the Chuffage family. The 500-year-old history of the Chuffage family now in the hands of anarchists. We drove off together looking forward. Imogene and Chuffy dare not look back at what had been lost. As we drove down the drive jeers from the anarchists rang through the grounds. I was ready to withdraw my pistol and fire at those damn Germans. But was surprised when Chuffy reached out and grabbed my arm to stop me. He simply shook his head and said “We’ll get them Earl those blasted Germans haven’t heard the last of this.” With that we drove off into the sprawling countryside to fight another day.

If anyone ventures down to South Africa here are a few useful phrases.

Good morning/afternoon/evening - Sawubona (Singular) Sanibonani (Plural)

Goodbye - Uhambe kahle/Usale kahle (Plural)

Yes/No - Yebo/Cha

Excuse Me - Uxolo

Thankyou - Ngiyabonga
Thank you very much - Ngibonga kakhulu

How are you? - Kunjani?
I'm fine thanks - Ngiyaphila

One minute - Mana kancane
Good luck - Ngikufisela inhlanhla

One that would prove very useful Do you speak English? - Uyasikhuluma isiNgisi? Learn this single one and you can forget about the rest. But I'll continue anyway I have too much time to kill.

Does anyone speak English? - Ukhona yini lapha okwazi ukukhuluma isiNgisi? (Takes about four months to learn this one sentence.)

Can you speak more slowly? - Ngicela ukhulume ungasheshi.

What is your name? - Ngubani igama lakho?

My name is .. - Igama lami ngu ...

Are you married? - Ushadile? (For the cads out there.)

I'm not married - Angikashadi

Family members

Brother - ubhuti
Children - izingane/abantwana (Plural)
Daughter - indodakazi
Family - umndeni
Father - ubaba
Grandfather - umkhulu
Grandmother- ugogo
Husband - umkhwenyana
Mother - umama
Sister - usisi
Son - indodana
Uncle - umalume
Wife - umakoti

Health
I'm sick - Ngiyagula
I have pain here - Kubuhlungu lapha
I'm dizzy - Nginesiyez

In South Africa when it rains and there is bright sunshine at the same time it is refered to as money's wedding this comes from the zulu phrase umshado wezinkawu, which means monkey's wedding. How this monkey's wedding was changed to money's wedding I don't know.

Hope this this helps in some small way.  The Zulu people are a patient bunch so if you get it wrong they won't throw you into the mouth of a hungry hippo.  They only do that to British officials.  

Quote: Earl_James_Junior

If anyone ventures down to South Africa here are a few useful phrases.

Good morning/afternoon/evening - Sawubona (Singular) Sanibonani (Plural)

Goodbye - Uhambe kahle/Usale kahle (Plural)

Yes/No - Yebo/Cha

Excuse Me - Uxolo

Thankyou - Ngiyabonga
Thank you very much - Ngibonga kakhulu

How are you? - Kunjani?
I'm fine thanks - Ngiyaphila

One minute - Mana kancane
Good luck - Ngikufisela inhlanhla

One that would prove very useful Do you speak English? - Uyasikhuluma isiNgisi? Learn this single one and you can forget about the rest. But I'll continue anyway I have too much time to kill.

Does anyone speak English? - Ukhona yini lapha okwazi ukukhuluma isiNgisi? (Takes about four months to learn this one sentence.)

Can you speak more slowly? - Ngicela ukhulume ungasheshi.

What is your name? - Ngubani igama lakho?

My name is .. - Igama lami ngu ...

Are you married? - Ushadile? (For the cads out there.)

I'm not married - Angikashadi

Family members

Brother - ubhuti
Children - izingane/abantwana (Plural)
Daughter - indodakazi
Family - umndeni
Father - ubaba
Grandfather - umkhulu
Grandmother- ugogo
Husband - umkhwenyana
Mother - umama
Sister - usisi
Son - indodana
Uncle - umalume
Wife - umakoti

Health
I'm sick - Ngiyagula
I have pain here - Kubuhlungu lapha
I'm dizzy - Nginesiyez

In South Africa when it rains and there is bright sunshine at the same time it is refered to as money's wedding this comes from the zulu phrase umshado wezinkawu, which means monkey's wedding. How this monkey's wedding was changed to money's wedding I don't know.

Hope this this helps in some small way. The Zulu people are a patient bunch so if you get it wrong they won't throw you into the mouth of a hungry hippo. They only do that to British officials.

I don't get it because I haven't read it Have you actually been to South Africa?

my previous comments weren't out of hate- I'm just confused, like

Quote: Martons_Maw

I'm actually enjoying this

me too hes fab.

Ladies and Gentleman I introduce an almost thrilling chapter of my Zulu War Stories. Yet at this point in the story there are no Zulu's or any war's involving them. But there are cheese and pineapple snacks for all.

Over the next few days I endured yet more meeting with Mrs Cuttlingthorpe regarding the party. I decided to press ahead with it anyway.  After all my reputation has been under some strain after the past few months’ adventures.  I spent my days drinking Brandy, which I was becoming very fond of.  The papers were filled with the coming and goings of the younger generation.  They had parties in aeroplanes, lighthouses, nightclubs, basements, attics anywhere with alcohol and several wealthy royals.  Chuffy's sister Imogene was very much part of this new generation.  Their fast motorcars and loud music.  Just thinking about them made me feel old.  I was only 32 surely I'm not that old.

I left London and headed for my family's house in Buckinghamshire where I would be hosting the party that was meant to cheer up Chuffy who has since travelled to Norway to get his wife back.  It had been three days since he left and had failed to hear anything from him much to the annoyance of his sister who hounded me constantly between her many parties of course.  

I arrived at the house to find the front gates had been locked.  So I drove round to the stables and was welcomed by the friendly face of Arthur who ran the stables.  Arthur was a small rounded fellow who had a hint of a cockney accent but all these years out in the country had all but ridden him of it.  Arthur was married with five children and lived in a small cottage in the village.  He was the main reason why I wanted to avoid being married.  He trudges home every evening only to be nagged by his wife to fix this or that.  And his children are such devils.  They enjoy throwing eggs at the village church and ransacking the local post office.  Poor chap the only reason I keep him employed is so he can stay away from his wife and children.  I doubt anybody would be able to do that for me if I marry Elizabeth. I asked Arthur why the gates are closed.  He told me he had done it to keep out the blasted foxhunters.  I've had run ins with them before.  They ride around the estate looking for a fox and churning up the lawn. They're the countryside’s answer to thugs. I once complained to them about it they went and set the dogs on me.  I spent a whole night stuck up a tree.  Arthur had to call the fire brigade to get me down.  


I rarely visited the place as it reminds me of my parents who I miss so dearly.  When I'm not there my Aunt Gillie runs the place.  She's quite the character her mind isn’t what it was and she tends to wander the village at night calling for her cat.  The funny thing is she has never owned a cat. But it's quite funny to see when things get dull.

I entered the house through the kitchen door, which was strangely quiet.  Aunt Gillie is normally busy shouting at the cook especially when company is expected so soon.  I walked out into the hall and saw the many pictures of my parents.  The had been hung up many years ago.  I thick layer of dust had all but hidden them.  But I could just make out one.  It was of my father standing over a dead lion.  He was very fond of hunting a trait I don't follow.  He was very disappointed of me.  Father wished me to be a businessman earning the insane amounts of money he did.  Mother was different she was kind and fair.  She always encouraged me to follow my heart, to do what I want to do with my life.  There loss was a devastating blow to the family.  Much of the family have now scattered to the distant corners of the Empire.  My young brother Lucien most unlike the younger generation is in Asia writing a series of travel guides.  My sister Kate ran off to America and married a terrible man calling himself Max.  What kind of a name is Max?  I have never quite got the Americans.  

I continued down the hall and heard a tapping coming from the Games Room.  My Aunt Gillie was standing by the window tapping on the windows at the gardener instructing him how to cut the rose bushes.  She turned when I entered she didn’t seem too happy to see me.  "Earl what do you think you're doing throwing a party here.  This isn’t some night club in London you know."  I was some what used to my Aunts nagging. I replied to in a sarcastic tone "Hello to you too Aunt Gillie."  This was a big mistake.  It was like kicking a starving lion in the face and hoping your leg wouldn’t be bitten off.  "Sarcastic are we.  Well if you're father was here he'd give you a good hiding boy." I groaned.  If I had a penny for every time I heard this I would be able to pay a surgeon to remove Gillie's lips and put them on her backside.  Well I've had enough of this.  I straightened my tie and marched with purpose towards her I took a deep breath and roared "Aunt Gillie how dare you.  You think you can try to mould me into my father.  But I have news for you I'm not him and never want to be him.  Now if you can't at least be civil towards me then you can GET OUT!"  My Aunt Gillie's mouth fell open. Her cheeks were bright red as if she had seen something she shouldn't have.  For a few moments we stood in silence.  Feeling nervous I retreated to the door.  Aunt Gillie bowed her head and shuffled towards me.  As she past and opened the door she looked towards me and said, "Very well I'll leave.  Clearly family means nothing to you." And with that she was gone.  I slumped into a leather-backed chair next to the billiards table.  It's time like this one needs some Gin.  I felt underneath the chair and found a half empty bottle of gin.  I always keep a bottle hidden somewhere for these sort of times.  I drank far too much but I know I went too far. Although my Aunt is such a nag she is the only member of my family on this continent.  But there was no time to sit and wallow in self-pity. I would send my Aunt a large bouquet of flowers when I get back to London.  I'm sure she'll forgive me.  Anyway on with the party.

The rest of the day I ordered the staff around and thought how much Aunt Gillie would enjoy doing this.  Many of the staff had a panicked look about them every time I shouted out an instruction.  Several men who I asked to move some furniture charged around like they were playing a rugby match.  Lets just say several vases were broken and a maid now has a broken arm but she wasn't one to complain.  With a stiff upper lip that embodies us all she got on with things.  It was only after the party that she went to the doctor.  

The house had now come together tables were set up the food was almost ready for the big day.  Several important people were coming. Even the PM was but only if there were cheese and pineapples on sticks.  I was rather aghast at this suggestion and had to ask Arthur what the hell they were.  I never thought cheese and pineapple together would be edible.  But they were the in things to have at this sort of party's so I went along with it.  

I dressed into the normal eveningwear and headed downstairs.  The dust that had once covered every inch of the place had gone.  The horrible musty smell had now gone much to my delight.  I headed outside into the light evening air.  Arthur was busy tiding up the drive.  I walked over took in a deep refreshing breath and looked out over the countryside.  Arthur now stopped his work and walked over.  "Alright sir nice evening for it aye."  "Ah yes Arthur you know I'm quite looking forward to it you know.  Blow away the cob webs."  Arthur smiled "Yes sir.  It's been so long since this house held such a party.  Perhaps it's the start of a new chapter in its life.  Arthur was right for too long the house had sat unused.  I wasn't sure whether I was the person to reinvigorate the house.  Then an idea was sprung upon me.  One, which would solve several problems for my dear friend Chuffy.  With out saying a word I rushed back into the house knocking over several servants along the way.  Arthur shook his head, laughed and then got on with his work.  

Well as I struggle to finish the latest chapter I thought I would fill the empty space with an interview I just happened to be part of. It was on BBC Radio 4's Book Review with the late great critic Sir Norman Biscuit Wrangler.  

Sir Norman: "Hello and welcome to Book review with me Sir Norman Biscuit Wrangler.  On tonight’s show we have the dottiest writer I have ever come across. The greatest Gin enthusiast in existence Earl James Junior Jones."  

EJJJ : "Sawubona Sir Norman"

Sir Norman: Sawu... what?

EJJJ: "sawubona"

Sir Norman "Ah I see you should really see a doctor about that"

EJJJ:  A doctor whatever for?  You haven't got the same rash down there have you?"

Sir Norman:   Rash?  I don't know what you're talking about.  Lets just get on with the interview shall we."

EJJJ "Of course"

Sir Norman "So where did you get the idea for these stories?"

EJJJ "It all came to me in a dream.  Some parts of the I excluded such as the extreme nudity and the bizarre use of carrots ."  

Sir Norman "A dream? Really how Victorian."   You're sure you weren’t taking opium?"

EJJJ "Opium never!  I had some cheese before I went to bed but that was it."  

Sir Norman "Cheese?  Never eat cheese before bed."

EJJJ "I realise that but my wife insisted upon it."

Sir Norman "Right yes we've somehow gone off the point of the interview again. Lets get back to the book.  

EJJJ "Capital idea Normie.  I can call you Normie it makes things that bit more comfortable."

Sir Normie "No you may not.  I didn't fight in the war just to come home and be called Normie."

EJJJ "Right sorry. You don't happen to have any Gin do you?"

Sir Normie "Gin no of course not.  This is the BBC."

EJJJ "You work for the BBC Normie?  How unfortunate.  I hear the canteen's quite awful."

Sir Normie: "Yes the canteen is pretty bad.  Especially the beans.  Wait a moment did you just call me Normie again?"

EJJJ "No"

Sir Normie "You sure I swear I heard Normie somewhere."

EJJJ "Perhaps it was from the audience."

Sir Normie "There is no audience here.  We are on the radio."

EJJJ "The radio how vulgar. First no Gin and now you tell me we're on the radio Normie."

Sir Normie: "You did it again you just called me Normie."

EJJJ "Perhaps it was the wind"

Sir Normie: "The wind? We are in an enclosed studio there are no windows in here."

EJJJ :"Oh yes.  I wondered why it was so dark in here.  May I go now. I have a terrible thirst for Gin. "

Sir Normie: "No you can't not until you've told us about the book.  Such as the part when the aliens abduct Bob then conquer the planet and turn Chuffy into a spider pig hybrid."

EJJJ "Well that’s just great Normie.  You just gave away the ending. I'll have to rewrite it all damn it. "

Sir Normie " Well if you ask me the whole thing needs re-writing by another writer.  One who can spell the word chief without consulting a dictionary.

EJJJ "Well I never Normie. I'm shocked to the very core of my being."

Sir Normie "Good and STOP CALLING ME NORMIE."

EJJJ "No you rude little Normie, Normie, Normie.  

Sir Normie "You've asked for it take that."  Sir Normie beats Earl with his microphone.  Luckily the producer drags him off and Earl staggers out of the studio muttering something about Gin.  

Looking back I suppose I deserved to be beaten.  Normie oops sorry Sir Norman was so enraged by the whole event he banned me from the BBC, which I'm actually rather thankful for.  

Well it seems my next chapter is complete ahead of time. So read on below if you dare.

This is dedicated to all the gin guzzlers out there.  May you drink in peace.

Upon arriving home I discovered there had been quite a fuss about the Zulu's and myself.  The Daily Mail as ever had me on the front pages claiming I was some sort of God amongst the Zulu's and had commanded them to attack the British.  I didn't try to defend myself.  Most of the readers of The Mail are brain dead.  Years of reading The Mail had left them with only a few brain cells left.  Poor things.  

Most of my friends at the gentleman’s club were impressed by my little adventure.  Most had served in the army but the only action they had seen was at the bar on a Friday night.  So they would of been impressed by anything really.  I was also pleased to find the awful striped suits had been outlawed and to my surprise the club had change its awful name.  The club used to be called The Cheese Munching Prime Minister, which was rather off putting to new members.  It was now simply The Kensington Gentleman’s Club unoriginal but more fitting I thought.  

After one heavy drinking session I stumbled out into the street.  I somehow found myself back home.  I believe I paid a policeman to carry me home.  Good people police officers if you have the money of course.  I arrived home and thought I smelt the distinct smell of tobacco coming from the sitting room.  I walked in.  All the lights were out but could see I figure standing by the fireplace smoking.  I turned on the lights to find my young brother standing with a large Cuban cigar wedged in his mouth. "Lucien"  I said trying to hide my contempt.  "Ah Hello Earl how's the Zulu's?  I hear you've been quite the
trouble maker out there."  "You hear?  You mean you've been reading The Daily Mail."   "Yes brother I actually work for them as a travel correspondent."  I wasn't surprised Lucien always seemed a little dim witted.  "You work for The Daily Mail!  Gosh if father was here right now he would hit the roof."   "Yes he'd do the same to you.  Look at this room filled with gin bottles. You're turning into a drunkard and a bad one at that.  Gin?  You couldn't of made a worst choice.  Now whisky that’s a mans drink."  How dare he insult Gin damn idiot.  "Are you here for a reason brother or do you want to trade insults all night?"  Lucien threw his cigar into the fire and sat in the nearest sitting chair.  "Yes brother you know what time of year it is?"   "What"  I replied completely clueless.  "Are you so drunk you don't know?  Its Aunt Gillie’s birthday tomorrow.  I can't believe you have forgotten."  Damn I said to myself.  All this Zulu business had thrown me off.  "Well Earl if you can stay sober long enough Aunt Gillie and I are going out for lunch tomorrow."  "Right" I said "I'll be there.  I can't promise to be sober, what with Aunt Gillie's nagging."  "Probably for the best anyway brother."  Lucien got up and headed for the door.  "I'll be off got to finish my article on the ladies of Taiwan."  "Isn't that in poor taste.  Who's going to read such smut." I said. "You're right brother.  I'll send it to The Sun instead.  Goodbye" and with that he was off.  

I picked up a bottle of Gin then I had second thoughts.  I mean the stuff had led me to forget so much.  I threw the bottle away and had a nice cup of tea instead.  Time to turn over a new leaf.  

For the first time in years I awoke with a clear head.  At first I was rather pleased with myself.  Cook was quite surprised to find me up so early.  She would normally be the one to prise me out of bed or off the kitchen floor after a particularly heavy drinking session. Cook was put off by this and ended up burning the toast, which soon wiped the smile off my face.  

After my burnt toast I headed for the florist.  I never knew what to get people for their birthdays especially women.  They could be so difficult and get terribly upset if you give them the wrong gift.  Flowers I thought are relatively cheap and always seem to please.  I bought as many lilies as possible and headed to the restaurant for lunch with Lucien and Aunt Gillie.  The restaurant should of been easy to find from the florists but all the blasted lilies got in the way.

Half an hour later after blindly walking through London I found the place. The waiter thought it quite strange when a bouquet of Lillie’s asked for Gillie's birthday table.  I managed to get to the table and finally rest the lilies down. At last I could see. After a few moments Aunt Gillie arrived with Lucien on her arm.  Lucien still had that stupid grin on his face from last night.  I wondered if he permanently walked around like that.

They both sat down Aunt Gillie glared at me while Lucien rudely ordered for everyone.  When he was done all three of us sat in almost silence.  I tried desperately to avoid Gillie's gaze I fained interest in the most mundane of objects.  The shine on a desert spoon or the stitching on my napkin.  Then just as I expected Gillie was the first to break the surface.  "So Earl you sold the family home I hear.  Your parents would hit the roof if they were here you know boy."  I glared at Gillie but before I could speak the waiter walked over and served the wine.  I noticed by brother give the waiter a look.  A look that said
don't give any wine to my drunkard of a brother.  Silence once again set in.  Gillie sipped on her wine looking at me in disgust.  I decided to try to break the peace and presented Gillie with the Lilies she turned her nose up at them and looked ready to throw them away.  But she politely nodded her head in thanks and sipped on some more wine.  All the while my brother was watching us both.  He had the look of a bird watcher keenly observing us waiting for something to happen.  We managed to get through most of the meal in complete silence.  It was only when I asked the waiter for some wine that the silence was
broken for the last time.  My brother said "Don't you think you should lay off the drink.  It is Aunt Gillie’s birthday you wouldn't want to ruin it with you."  Aunt Gillie looked at me in a disapproving manner.  I felt it was perhaps time to speak "Brother I may drink if I wish.  We don't share a liver so my health is my own business.  The stupid grin was wiped off his face "Now come brother there's no need to be so rude.  I was only looking out for you."  "Oh for goodness sake Lucien stop calling me brother this isn't a monastery.  I came here to have a nice meal perhaps chat about the weather but instead I'm nagged but not by the person I thought I would be."  I glared at Aunt Gillie for a moment but was rather scared when she looked back at me.  I composed myself and said "I feel it's best I leave.  I tried to believe in this whole family thing.  But it won't work."  I got up and went to leave Aunt Gillie got up. "Earl James Junior Jones get back here now."  I ignored the old woman and kept walking until I found myself in a pub somewhere in the east end of London.  

The pub was filled with smoke.  Men in flat caps and worn coats sat in the corners.  Various pictures of the working classes hung on the wall.  I walked to bar and stopped to clear my throat on the way.  Blasted smoke I wondered whether these people actually enjoyed these conditions.  The bar man was a short fat balding man with a large mole on his nose.   In fact this mole seemed to dominate his face and was a difficult thing to ignore. But I managed to block it out and asked the mole man sorry bar man "One glass of gin kind barkeep."  The barman looked up his mole was aimed directly at me.  "You wot?  Gin this is a pub mate. We don't serve ladies drinks ere." "Pardon me? Gin is not a ladies drink many men drink the stuff."  "Like who?"  The barman responded. "What do you mean like who?"  "Well what men drinks gin except for you?"  My mind raced I wasn't aware of any famous gin guzzlers so I lied "The Earl of Sandwich drinks gin. Loves the stuff also likes Barbara Windsor."  "Who in gods name is Barbara Windsor?"  "I don't know but he likes her for some reason."  "Well mate we don't ave any Gin.  We only have ale."  Damn I thought ale was a terrible thing.  Made the stomach bloat but I was in the mood to get drunk so I drank the stuff down. 

After discussing politics and modern architecture with the chaps in their caps I left and headed back home.   On the way I thought how nice those working class people are and how I must drink in Public houses more often.  But quickly changed my mind when the next morning I found my wallet was missing.  Blast those drunks.  

The next day I woke up to the pungent smell of fish. Curious I thought cook would never serve fish for breakfast. She knew my feelings on the subject. Especially my strong revulsion to kippers. I walked down stairs instead of the normal stagger. Since my wallet got stolen by those rascals at the pub I had totally gone off alcohol of all types. I donated all my gin to the tramps of London. May they enjoy it as I once did. Anyway back to the smell of fish. I went straight for the kitchen but cook was absent. The stove was stone cold. Where was that smell coming from? I searched the ground floor but found nothing. I resorted to sniff myself like some flea-ridden ape but found no hint of fish on me. I shrugged my shoulders and went back upstairs. When I reached the first floor landing the fishy smell was much stronger. The kind of strength that old men claim could put hair on your chest. The smell led me to the bathroom. The door was wide open and standing by the sink was a dirty and disheveled looking Arthur. "Arthur your back." Arthur turned round a waft of fishy air made me choke. "Yes sir you’re a genius when it comes to stating the obvious." Well I'll be damned Arthur speaking to me with such sarcasm. "Arthur what's the meaning of this. There's no need to be so sarcastic." Arthur bowed his head and said "Most sorry sir. All that time in Norway had led me to lose my manners sir." "That bad was it? Well I'm glad you’re back in one piece. Did you find Chuffy?" "Of course sir I found him in Oslo. He was in training." "Training what ever for? All he went there for is to get his wife and children back. Surely you don't need that much training to do that." ""He was training for an alpine skiing event. He thought he could win his wife back." "Alpine skiing? You sure it was Chuffy? Not some one who merely looks like the chap?" Arthur was not a chap who could handle so many questions at once and needed to sit down on the toilet to compose himself. If somebody saw me and Arthur in the toilet together rumor would certainly spread. I closed the door just in case I didn't want any more bad press.

Arthur took some time so I decided to brush my teeth and wash myself. When he was ready I sat on the edge of the bath eager to hear his answers. "Yes sir Chuffy wanted to impress his wife. Thought alpine skiing would win back her heart. He was desperate to get her back. He was a shell of a man when I found him. But I trained him to ski." "You trained him to ski? You come from Hackney. People haven't been able to ski there since the ice age." But judging by Arthur's weathered looks I wouldn't have been surprised if he was alive all those thousands of years ago. "Well sir I don't know how to ski I just made most of it up. But it worked he entered the contest but er..." "But what Arthur come on I can't set on here forever. My buttocks will drop off any minute. "Thank you for that image sir." I gave the same glaring look that I gave Aunt Gillie. Arthur bowed his head once more. "Sorry sir still adapting to polite society." "Yes well please continue." "Right well Chuffy entered the contest and was doing quite well until the wolverine attacked." "By gosh a wolf attacked. Is he all right?" "No sir a wolverine." My knowledge of Scandinavian wildlife had much to be desired. "Same thing aren't they?" "Not at all sir. The wolverine is a small carnivorous mammal with habits much like the badger where as the wolf is a larger dog like carnivore that could kill a grown man." "Well Arthur I didn't know you were such a walking encyclopedia of nature." "Oh well thank you sir but I actually read it on a back of a cigarette packet." "Hmmm who knew cigarettes can be so educational." "Yes sir anyway after being attacked by the badger like wolverine Chuffy fell down a large mound of snow and fractured his arm." "Oh dear" I said quite alarmed "Poor Chuffy." "Yes sir but this accident sort of triggered a nursing instinct with in Chuffy's wife and one thing led to another. "Oh I see so they're back together?" "Indeed sir in fact they're back at Chuffage Manor as we speak." I smiled a big stupid grin and clapped my hands together. "Right we can all put this nasty mess behind us then." "I'll be off then the wife's probably wondering where I've been." "Of course Arthur go home and enjoy your wife’s famous meat pies." Arthur reluctantly walked out the bathroom and down the stairs. His wife’s pies are not famous for being at all delicious. They are actually used by doctors to induce vomiting in patients who have swallowed lead or some other poisonous substance.

Arthur seemed to have changed. He had began to lose his cockney accent and started his use his brain. He was becoming quite intelligent but was mystified where he got it all from. I doubted it was because of me. I may have gone to Eaton but all the years of excessive drinking had left me bordering on insane. Hopefully my brain functions will return to normal after a few weeks of avoiding Gin.

The next week saw an up turn in my fortunes. No longer was I classed as a traitor the Daily Mail was more interested in Imogene and her group of friends. Apparently they had broken into a brewery at 3am when all the bars were closed. Imogene and her lot had been in court and got off with a fine, which went directly into the judge’s pocket.


Chuffy was so mad at her he locked Imogene in her bedroom in an attempt to show her the error of her ways. I felt it awfully severe but Chuffy was desperate not have an another embarrassment. I decided to head down to the Chuffage's to see how he was doing and try to talk some sense into the chap. I mean I hate my brother Lucien but I would never lock him away like some criminal. On second thoughts I probably would but Imogene seemed a nice girl and it was so unfair of Chuffy.

Driving through Egham I saw Arthur's children had been at work. The post office looked a mess. Envelopes littered the floor and the Union Flag, which normally flew from the church was replaced by some grubby looking underpants. Damn rascals although the underpants thing was an old joke back in my days at Eaton. I remember the tutors face every time he saw the underpants flying from the flagpole. The only problem was our mothers always put our names on the pants. So it was exceptionably easy to get caught.

I left the town and made my way into the countryside. The area surrounding Egham used to be home to quite a few upper class families but most had now sold up and left. The houses were turned to hotels and spas for the middle classes. It's a shame to see areas with such history turned into an amusement park for the lawyers and businessmen who all wish they could be a member of the elite. I drove up the lane to Chuffage Manor the last time I was here the place was full of Germans. The whole place had a dour atmosphere all those months ago. But now it looked and felt like the Chuffage Manor I came to stay in the school holidays. The whole grounds seemed at peace at last. My car crept up the drive and finally came to a stop by the entrance to the main hall. Almost as soon as opened the car door Chuffy wrenched the front door open with his one good arm and came rushing to greet me. He had changed quite a bit since those depressive days back in Kensington. He now had a smart beard neatly trimmed around the edges. He looked a little like a intrepid artic explorer just back from his latest expedition. His cheeks were rosy and he had the biggest grin I think I have ever seen. He walked up and gave me a hug. This was most surprising men normally shook each other’s hands and dothed their hats to each other. I went along with it all and gave him a firm tap on the back. Chuffy let out a little cough and backed away. "Earl! I'm so glad to see you. Will you look at the place. Back in the Chuffage family all thanks to you." He clenched his fist and gave me a affectionate tap on the chin. A small tear welled up in Chuffy's eye. I wasn't all that good at the emotional stuff so I handed Chuffy a handkerchief and headed through the open door. Chuffy quickly followed behind.

When I last was here the hallways were full of German propaganda and large portraits of their fat and bald leader. The hallway was now returned to its former glory. Portraits of Chuffy's ancestors were back on the walls. It was nice to see Chuffage Manor back to normal. Chuffy caught up and led me into the sitting room. I looked around, much was as it once was, except for a fine golden telescope standing by the window. I examined the piece. I had never before seen such a thing in the house. It looked almost new. I turned round to see Chuffy standing by the door. He walked over grabbed his sleeve and began to polish the thing. He stopped and smiled "Good isn't is? Bought it from a sailor in Norway. Great for spying on the neighbors." I thought what an idiot. He loses his house then goes and buys this stupid contraption. "Chuffy are you stark raving mad?" The smile faded on his face "You lose your home and most of your fortune only to go and buy this damn thing." "Well Earl" Chuffy said in a defensive manner "I thought it was quite nifty. Plus my children could learn about space and all the twinkly bits." "The twinkly bits? You buy a telescope and have no knowledge of the cosmos?" "A telescope? Is that what it's called? Well pretty scientific isn't it." I shook my head in disapproval. For a brief moment I felt like Aunt Gillie but it quickly passed when Chuffy asked. "Do you won't a go?" I felt like a schoolboy again and excitedly looked through the lens. Rather disappointedly I only saw the endless fields of the estate. I was hoping for something a little more spectacular. Maybe a passing comet or signs of life beyond the Earth. I twiddled around with it for a bit just to please Chuffy then turned back to Chuffy. I decided to tackle the difficult subject of Imogene. "I hear Imogene's been in a spot of bother Chuffy." "Yes you've probably read the papers. How can she do this to me? Silly girl." "Chuffy you do know she is a grown woman now. She's perfectly allowed to break into a brewery if she so wishes." "But we Chuffage’s don't do such things." "Oh no? What about you're uncle he was a bit wild. If I remember he got drunk joined the navy and then sank an allied battle cruiser. You didn't lock him in his room did you?" "No we didn't but the Navy did. He's still there I think." "Oh right didn't think of that." I looked around the room for a bit struggling to come up with a valid argument to free Imogene. But I was no lawyer so I shouted "Hey Chuffy look a wolverine." Chuffy yelped and leaped behind a chair knocking his telescope to the floor in the process . I ran out the room headed up the stairs towards Imogene’s room. I stupidly tried to open the door but it was predictably locked. I mused for a bit on how to open a door and thought what would Chief Bob do. I came to the conclusion he would most definitely of hijacked a hippo and rode it into the door. Not having a hippo to hand at the current time I spotted a impressive suit of armor holding a halberd. I picked the thing up and staggered under its weight. I backed up and charged straight for the door. But instead of the door breaking it shuddered slightly and the halberd broke in two. Stunned by the force of impact I slumped against the wall and banged my head in frustration. To my astonishment a key fell to the floor. I suppose when in doubt use your head. I opened the door and without stepping into her room Imogene barged forward knocking me to my feet. She disappeared downstairs and headed outside. I heard a distinctive cockney yell. "Oi that’s me orse." Arthur seemed back to his old self cockney self.

I got up and headed downstairs Chuffy was bent over his telescope trying to right it again. I beat a hasty retreat before Chuffy discovered my involvement in Imogene's escape. I found Arthur outside standing by his cart, which was currently horseless. "Arthur where’s your horse?" "Oh sir Imogene stole him poor Charlie. He doesn't like strangers. I ope he's alright." "Don't worry Arthur I'll get him back for you." "Thank you sir your too kind. You see I'm so busy at the moment the wife's expecting." "Expecting What?" "A baby" "Another one? My god man that's the sixth child." "I know but me wife’s a real goer sir.” I grimaced the thought of Arthur’s wife feeling a bit randy made my stomach turn. “I better go Arthur things to do.” “I see sir. “ Getting into my car I heard Arthur murmur “Why do people always run off when I tell them about me wife?” I was astounded by his ignorance towards his randy wife.

I drove back to London but I my heart felt so heavy. I missed South Africa and Bob. His spear throwing hippo riding antics were such entertainment. It was time to head back and help him get his land back. A plan I was later to regret.

Tune in next time for more moderately exciting adventures with plenty of Hippo's, spears and mad Zulu tribesmen. Plus a special guest appearance by Stephen Fry (he actually won’t be here. He has a beautiful horse to find. You know the one from QI episode two. Ah such a lovely horse. )

Before I left for Botswana I wrote several letters to people close to me in case I didn't return.  In my letter to Chuffy I instructed him in the event of my death to get rid of his horrid beard.  Beards I wrote are for sailors and fisherman not English gentlemen.  I tried to write a letter to my brother and sister but found it too hard. Trying to communicate my feelings has never been my strong point.  Arthur begged me to let him come. His wife’s meat pies had become increasingly more revolting.  I refused this was my mission I would not drag my friends down with me.  He was disappointed but gave me a bottle of gin just in case things took a turn for the worst.  

Arthur stayed at the town house on my last night. He slept in the sitting room hoping to take me to the airstrip on his horse and cart.  Not wanting to appear as a cockney chap I sneaked downstairs in the early hours and left Arthur snoring by the fire.  

I had never felt so sad to leave England behind a part of me wondered if I would ever see Arthur or Chuffy and his fisherman’s beard.  But I drove those feelings aside and fell asleep.  

I was awoken with a sharp poke and found one of the air stewards standing over me "Dumela, Rra " he said with a bright smile.  "Excuse me?"  "Hello sir welcome to Botswana."  "We're here all ready?"  "Yes sir you slept all the way.  Would you like a mint?"  "A mint?  No thank you."  "Please take a mint sir."  "No I don't want a damn mint."  "But sir a mint will freshen your breath."  "Are you saying I have bad breath?  You rude little man."  "Your breath smells of gin sir.  It's putting off the other passengers."  "How dare you." I picked up a paper rolled it up and smacked the rude man over the head.  "Now let me off the plane before I take your bloody mint and ram it up your...” At that point the aeroplane door opened a tall young man holding a pointed stick entered.  "Is there an Earl here?"  Several people stood up waved their hands around.  The young man was confused and scratched his head with the stick.  "Okay then.  Is there a man called Earl who stinks of Gin?"  The passengers standing up almost in unison pointed towards me.  My face became bright red from the embarrassment for the first time since my teens when a fellow student at Eton (originally named Eaton after Mr Charles Eaton the inventer of jock straps.) pulled my trousers down in front of the whole school.

I shuffled forward all eye's were on me.  The steward I had assaulted with a copy of The Telegraph got to his feet and once more said "Are you sure you don't want your mint?"  I snatched it out of his hands and headed through the door.  The steward gave me a little wave on the way out.  

The man with the pointed stick introduced himself as Atouba.  He told me he was Bob's son this wasn't a surprise Bob had seemed to have fathered most of Africa.  He led me out of the airstrip and into a waiting jeep.  "Hold on Atouba how the hell did you get a jeep."  "From a corner store near our hideout."  "Since when did corner stores sell jeeps?"  "Since an American had taken it over.  He's called Max."  "Oh god not another American called Max. " "Yes Earl I suppose your going to damn them?"  "Yes I will damn those blasted Americans. Coming over here and building corner stores."  Atouba tired of my damning of Americans started the engine.  Bob's son had yet to master driving and hurtled through the streets of Francistown (one of Botswana’s major settlements).  Atouba didn't seem to understand that the pavement was for the pedestrians and not for jeeps until we crashed through a market stall filled with melons. I looked nervously towards him and found him prying a chunk of melon from the windscreen.  He smiled and offered me some but saw the disgust on my face and drove on. Atouba's driving was turning my skin a pale shade of green.  But before I could add my vomit to the mess of melons in the jeep we stopped.  

Atouba jumped out and asked me to follow.  Clutching my stomach I tumbled out of the jeep and followed Atouba down a deserted alleyway.  I was becoming increasingly concerned.  Perhaps Atouba isn't who he said he is.  Perhaps he's a spy.  My concerns were heightened when I noticed several well-built men behind me.  I looked at the walls of the alleyway for some escape but could not find one.  The men approached and before I could run for it they grapped me and turned me around.  The men were familiar but I couldn't put my finger on it until they spoke in heavy German accents. "Hello zere Earl you thought you had defeated us."  "Hang on a minute your the German anarchists who took over Chuffage Manor."  "Yes Earl now we come for revenge."  "Revenge?  But I paid you good money for the manor why would you want to take revenge?"  "When you bought Chuffage manor you evicted us from Britain.  Now ve vill have revenge."  I gulped and tried to retreat and was jabbed by a stick. Atouba was behind me with a murderous glint in his eye.  Damn I would die before I could even help Bob.  

The Germans grabbed pistols from their pockets and aimed them directly at my chest.  A shot at such close range would end me.  Even if it didn't I'm sure Atouba would be ready with his pointed stick.  But just as the Germans put pressure on the triggers an explosion rocked the alleyway.  I heard gunfire and moans of pain from the Germans.  I then sprinted back down the alleyway, which was now filled with dust.  When I got to the end another man stood in the way.  But I instantly knew who it was.  Bob had come to the rescue.  He stood with rifle in hand and a several grenades strapped to his chest.  

"Bob" I coughed as the dust thickened "You rescued me."  "Yes Earl you have a great gift for stating the obvious but we must go before more Germans arrive."  Bob grabbed my arm and led me to a waiting horse. "Get on quick."  I clambered onto the horse but before I could properly get acquainted with the animal Bob whacked its rear end with the butt of his rifle."  The horse thundered off through the streets.  Passers by were intrigued by an Englishman struggling to cling on to an angry horse.  Children jeered and shouted in a language I didn't understand.  The horse kept going until we were out of the town and into open scrubland leaving the dust of Francistown behind.  

I got off the horse and sat down on what I though was a large rock.  It turned out to be a termite mound I ran round like hell as their pincers pierced my buttocks.  The same buttocks, which had taken a bullet from the Earl of Sandwich.  All my shouting and running alarmed the horse it ran off into the distance.  I swept the remaining termites off and stood in the middle of the wilderness wandering what to do next.  Should I wait for Bob or go off after the horse.

Perhaps the hot sun had addled my brain but I decided to follow the horse not wanting to be bitten by an army of termites again.  I walked off into the great wilderness not knowing where I would end up.  


 

The cart trundled on for some time before it finally came to a stop. I strong scent of cream cheese drifted up my nostrils, which almost made me vomit. Several pair of arms picked me up and carried me off the cart and into a run down looking hut. I was then rather uncermonisly thrown onto a bed. The men then stood back and pulled a mint out of god knows where and placed it in my mouth. The mint was quite soothing and as it dissolved away I fell asleep.

I awoke again hoping everything had sorted itself out and I was back at home in my comfy bed. I was incredibly disappointed to find myself still in the hut surrounded by men. They all were dressed in military gear. One of the man stepped forward he wore a smart looking beret and had a fair number of grenades strapped to him. "Hello Earl we found you just in time." "Bob is that you. What the hell are you wearing?" "Do you like it? It's smart I bought the beret off a Frenchman in Tunisia." "Tunisia Bob? That's an awfully long way to go just to buy a beret." "Yes I guess it was but we Zulu's are hunted men we need to look the part." "I see" I heaved myself upright. "So what do we do now?" "There are no we Earl it's the Zulu's. Why did you come here?" "I felt terrible I had to do something." "It wasn't Lady Turham again was it?" "Well partly." Bob sighed, "Now Bob, Lady Turham is such a ghastly woman I had to escape. If Arthur was here he would understand." Bob grinned, "Now you should mention it." I shot to my feet "He's here?" "Not exactly no." "Oh then what did you mean then?" "He had to dash back home. His wife's in labor." "Oh dear" "Is that a bad thing in your culture. To be pregnant?" "It is when you already have five other children." "Five! Hah that’s nothing." Bob boasted. "Yes well let’s get to work then Bob." Bob reached for his pointed stick and aimed it directly at me. "You will go back home. This is our fight." I stupidly grapped the stick and hurled it away from my face " I'm not going anywhere. I have to help. Besides I only bought a one way ticket." Bob laughed, "Fine you can stay. But you have to work." "Work brilliant let’s start." Bob helped me to my feet and led me outside. We approached another hut, which had a familiar face standing guard outside. The big smiley face of that damn mint pushing air steward. I stormed up to the chap "What are you doing here. You insulting terdmuncher." I regretted this instantly the air steward reached in his pockets and shoved a load of mints down my gullet. "There sir have some mints perhaps they'll wash your mouth out." He then stomped off.

After yanking the mints out of my mouth I turned to Bob. "Should I apologise?" "No. Larry’s always like that. One minute he's smiling and giving everybody mints the next he's going mad." "Oh right. I suppose he's pretty handy chap to have in the army." Bob nodded and we continued into another particuly horrid looking hut. A group of women were huddled around each other kneading a huge grey and sticky mass. Bob shoved me into the middle he then said, "You can work with the women. We always need some help with the food making." "Is this a joke Bob? You expect me to put my hands in that revolting looking stuff." Bob shoved me closer to the pack of women "That grey mass is your dinner and anyway you said you wanted to help." Bob turned and left leaving me with all his women.

Women on their own can be good company but a pack of six huddled around and giggling at your slightest action is awfully off putting. I rolled up my sleeves, which got a few giggles and sat down next to a scary woman with one joined eyebrow. She looked ready to clobber me so I tried desperately to avoid her gaze. I put my hands in the great mess and sniffed it. I had now discovered where the smell of cream cheese was coming from. I then began to knead much to the amusement of the women. The one eye browed women snorted and hit me on the back, which nearly knocked my head off.

Some two hours of kneading and being slapped on the back the grey sticky mess was still grey but the smell of cream cheese was gone. Well actually the smell of the stuff had actually been absorbed into my hands. For days I would carry that smell around. Damn cream cheese.

Another distraction or a general annoyance for you all.  

A guide to Norwegian written by Lord Chuffage with contributions from his wife Lady Chuffage and Arthur his new cockney handyman.  

Hello you smelly ape - god dag du lukt ape
Where are all the fish? -  der hvor er alle fisken?
The fish are in the sea. - fisken er inne havet.
You smell of cheese - du lukt av osten  
You are all driving on the wrong side of the road! - du er alle kjørende på galt siden av det veien
That reindeer just winked at me. – det reindeer rettferdig øyenvipper for meg
Help! – hjelpe
Stop that man - nå klarer det seg mann
Call the police - ringe politiet  
No tea! - Nei tea
Damn you. - fordømme du
It’s cold - Det er kulden  (a likely thing to say in Norway at this time of year.)
It’s hot - Det er het ( a rather unlikely thing to say at this time of year.)
Luftputefartøyet mitt er fullt av ål – My hovercraft is filled with eels (which I believe to be quite a problem in Norway.  
Damn eels – fordomme ål
Bye – Ha det

More to follow if I feel in the mood.