Strawberry's poems
Posted In: Poetry + Prose. Reading This Thread:
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11th Nov 2005 at 9:45 am
River Phoenix
Space (written on Friday, the 11th of November, 2005).
I feel invisible
like wind or air
Maybe it's too late but I don't know if I care.
Alienation
hurting my soul
Numbing my mind
like I'm losing control.
I used to have hope
but it faded away
Sometimes I ask myself
where everything has gone.
Leaf (written on Friday, the 11th of November, 2005)>
Sometimes I wonder
what it's like to be a tree
I would dance with the wind
in the cold midnight sky.
Birds would build their nests in me
squirrels would live in me
Children would climb me
and I would feel useful.
Sometimes I wish
that I could be a tree
Trees are so pretty
and graceful.
Branches (Thursday, the 10th of November, 2005).
Winter is a time of grey
a time of broken hearts and decay
The seasons are dying
and I'm dying inside.
Pieces of stone
pieces of leaf
Like a memory
of disbelief.
When my shame is hurting
and my heart breaks in two
Sometimes I wonder
if they remember too.
My secret shame
my blame, my pain.
Spirit is broken
like a piece of glass
Maybe if I killed myself
it would be what they expected.
I feel invisible
like wind or air
Maybe it's too late but I don't know if I care.
Alienation
hurting my soul
Numbing my mind
like I'm losing control.
I used to have hope
but it faded away
Sometimes I ask myself
where everything has gone.
Leaf (written on Friday, the 11th of November, 2005)>
Sometimes I wonder
what it's like to be a tree
I would dance with the wind
in the cold midnight sky.
Birds would build their nests in me
squirrels would live in me
Children would climb me
and I would feel useful.
Sometimes I wish
that I could be a tree
Trees are so pretty
and graceful.
Branches (Thursday, the 10th of November, 2005).
Winter is a time of grey
a time of broken hearts and decay
The seasons are dying
and I'm dying inside.
Pieces of stone
pieces of leaf
Like a memory
of disbelief.
When my shame is hurting
and my heart breaks in two
Sometimes I wonder
if they remember too.
My secret shame
my blame, my pain.
Spirit is broken
like a piece of glass
Maybe if I killed myself
it would be what they expected.
*![[http://www.vegetablerevolution.co.uk/uploads/549604.jpg]](http://www.vegetablerevolution.co.uk/uploads/549604.jpg "http://www.vegetablerevolution.co.uk/uploads/549604.jpg")
*
*
8th Mar 2006 at 10:34 am
River Phoenix
Creature (written on Tuesday, the 8th of March, 2006).
I t was a Sunday morning
and he was all alone
A lovely wild rabbit
sitting on the school lawn.
I picked up a leaf
and put it on the grass
He ate the leaf
and broke his fast.
I bent down
and stroked his brown fur
Then it was time to go
and I walked home.
I still think of him
although we are apart
For we are still together
in our memories and hearts.
The Comfort of Invisibility- Thursday, the 9th of March, 2006.
I wish I could fade
into obscurity
Emptiness
nothingness.
I don't want to offend anyone
with my existence
Life is a crime
life is pain.
I feel guilty
like I have no right
No right to take up space
life is murder.
I just want to be thin
to fade away
To be anything
instead of everything.
Nothing- Written on Friday, the 10th of March, 2006.
Life is pain
life is dirt
And I don't want to feel
because everything hurts.
I close my eyes
away from the world
The scary world
of dirt of hate.
I wish I could be a robot
And just be numb
hurt by no one.
I wrote a poem yesterday. Sorry if my poems depress anyone. I was going to write an explantion of this poem, but it'll just sound more depressing.
Peace- written on Tuesday, the 21st of March, 2006.
I had a hundred reasons
to hate myself
I wrote them down
on paper.
I don't have them
maybe I still need them
We're always together
we're always apart
Just like my burns.
Be brave, my reasons
be brave and free
Don't be ashamed
don't be like me.
Dream- Sunday, the 26th of March, 2006.
Everything hurts
sometimes
All I ever did was love them
all they ever did was hurt me.
I haven't seen them
since 1996
But I still dream about them
sometimes.
I lived in the same street as them
for nineteen years
I moved 200 miles away
but I'm still scared of them.
They were always scared of her
though I never knew why
She died
Sometimes I feel like they're laughing at me.
Maybe it should've been me
instead of her
If I starved myself to death
maybe they'd be sorry.
Maybe no one's worth dying for
and I don't want to be with her
Although I feel
like I deserve to be.
Maybe I should hate them
but I can't
Ever since I remember
people have hurt me.
1.
Peace, love together
You know it will start
A match made in heaven
I'm not disillusioned
To me, the truth is real
What's your contribution?
Love, dust and orange peel
Who are we but entwined
At least we know who we are
Better than trying to drive
And become an overweight/overnight superstar in a car
World, my children are dead
wow, their fear was too
You saw what I wanted, yet pushed it away
You hate and sedate me, though you've never had the guts to say
And don't pretend to remember.
2.
I know who I am
I've seen it
Through the colours
Of my soul
The windows in my mind
Tell me it
I'll give or lose control
Prejudice is cast upon me
It's going to my head
I want to be where I found me
At the time of press
Once I was young, and free
With ring-holes in my ear
But I'm no longer sure of who be my
My mind is hung with fear
And I see a wall, I ignore its call
To bang it on my head
My fear's been with me since I was three
So it's probably inbred
I can't not cry; I don't know why
It seems the world is dead.
3.
Come to me gently, alone in the night
None but you and I know the room
Be like the butterfly, alone in its beautiful flight
That will suffocate and bleed in its tomb
Ah; child, can't you see,
You're precious to me?
Though full well I know you're not one of us,
I'll think of you, then, when the future seems imminent
And forget that you tried
To jump in front of that bus
Oh suicide, our cruel world cries
And grabs you by
The hands
Failing to see
Your love for me
Or don't they understand?
Oh melodies, or memories
Since your kittens passed away
The media think it's right
To kill and/ or fight
But we know it's not OK.
4.
Jim, Jim; oh, remember him
As his lips expand
To the sunny sky
I'm overloaded and my... head exploded
But he's gone, gone, gone
How long, what's wrong- you did this to me
It's too late, though your fate, is their sanity
I cannot be near you; I fear you, anyway
Folks no longer adhere to you, now he's pushed you away
And as he made your character drain the final drink to your lips
It seemed your future, their retribution
Lay at their fingertips.
I t was a Sunday morning
and he was all alone
A lovely wild rabbit
sitting on the school lawn.
I picked up a leaf
and put it on the grass
He ate the leaf
and broke his fast.
I bent down
and stroked his brown fur
Then it was time to go
and I walked home.
I still think of him
although we are apart
For we are still together
in our memories and hearts.
The Comfort of Invisibility- Thursday, the 9th of March, 2006.
I wish I could fade
into obscurity
Emptiness
nothingness.
I don't want to offend anyone
with my existence
Life is a crime
life is pain.
I feel guilty
like I have no right
No right to take up space
life is murder.
I just want to be thin
to fade away
To be anything
instead of everything.
Nothing- Written on Friday, the 10th of March, 2006.
Life is pain
life is dirt
And I don't want to feel
because everything hurts.
I close my eyes
away from the world
The scary world
of dirt of hate.
I wish I could be a robot
And just be numb
hurt by no one.
I wrote a poem yesterday. Sorry if my poems depress anyone. I was going to write an explantion of this poem, but it'll just sound more depressing.
Peace- written on Tuesday, the 21st of March, 2006.
I had a hundred reasons
to hate myself
I wrote them down
on paper.
I don't have them
maybe I still need them
We're always together
we're always apart
Just like my burns.
Be brave, my reasons
be brave and free
Don't be ashamed
don't be like me.
Dream- Sunday, the 26th of March, 2006.
Everything hurts
sometimes
All I ever did was love them
all they ever did was hurt me.
I haven't seen them
since 1996
But I still dream about them
sometimes.
I lived in the same street as them
for nineteen years
I moved 200 miles away
but I'm still scared of them.
They were always scared of her
though I never knew why
She died
Sometimes I feel like they're laughing at me.
Maybe it should've been me
instead of her
If I starved myself to death
maybe they'd be sorry.
Maybe no one's worth dying for
and I don't want to be with her
Although I feel
like I deserve to be.
Maybe I should hate them
but I can't
Ever since I remember
people have hurt me.
1.
Peace, love together
You know it will start
A match made in heaven
I'm not disillusioned
To me, the truth is real
What's your contribution?
Love, dust and orange peel
Who are we but entwined
At least we know who we are
Better than trying to drive
And become an overweight/overnight superstar in a car
World, my children are dead
wow, their fear was too
You saw what I wanted, yet pushed it away
You hate and sedate me, though you've never had the guts to say
And don't pretend to remember.
2.
I know who I am
I've seen it
Through the colours
Of my soul
The windows in my mind
Tell me it
I'll give or lose control
Prejudice is cast upon me
It's going to my head
I want to be where I found me
At the time of press
Once I was young, and free
With ring-holes in my ear
But I'm no longer sure of who be my
My mind is hung with fear
And I see a wall, I ignore its call
To bang it on my head
My fear's been with me since I was three
So it's probably inbred
I can't not cry; I don't know why
It seems the world is dead.
3.
Come to me gently, alone in the night
None but you and I know the room
Be like the butterfly, alone in its beautiful flight
That will suffocate and bleed in its tomb
Ah; child, can't you see,
You're precious to me?
Though full well I know you're not one of us,
I'll think of you, then, when the future seems imminent
And forget that you tried
To jump in front of that bus
Oh suicide, our cruel world cries
And grabs you by
The hands
Failing to see
Your love for me
Or don't they understand?
Oh melodies, or memories
Since your kittens passed away
The media think it's right
To kill and/ or fight
But we know it's not OK.
4.
Jim, Jim; oh, remember him
As his lips expand
To the sunny sky
I'm overloaded and my... head exploded
But he's gone, gone, gone
How long, what's wrong- you did this to me
It's too late, though your fate, is their sanity
I cannot be near you; I fear you, anyway
Folks no longer adhere to you, now he's pushed you away
And as he made your character drain the final drink to your lips
It seemed your future, their retribution
Lay at their fingertips.
Edited by Rayanne Graff Apr 2006
**
*
1st Apr 2006 at 10:04 am
River Phoenix
7.
You never know
You've hurt the world
Until you've cut it
To pieces
There's no stone that you
Can leave unturned
Until you die of its diseases
Fish are caught; a licence is bought
To murder, eat and maim
Doesn't mean they can't feel because they don't scream
You kill in your God's name
Loud murderers with no subtlety
Know not to feel or weep
I, myself, find
Your hate is blind
Your talk drives me
To sleep
Don't you care; no, they'll give you a quid
For the squid whose life you did
You did mine as well; you gave me hell
For can't you tell
I'm a murderer as well
But I've changed; is that so strange?
Not to me, anyway
Not them but me; you will agree
That is worthless.
8. (Paranoid Child.)
Paranoid child; tears in her eyes
Waving goodbye
To the side of the dawn
Something inside
That always was denied
I know because
He said so
Dreams are the only that love is caught
Yet you give me no day time or even a thought
But I'm shaking with my tears, swept along with my fears
And I scream like a werewolf in the night
I cannot wait for you; there's no love to be true
There's little chance of me
Getting over you and being all right again
Now that I will not be my expected image
Of the subserviant female, doomed to be bound and a slave
So much sadness, so much pain
My tears are falling down like the rain
Until I've learned to love myself
I'll never love again.
9. (The One I Love.)
The one I love
Is far away
But not so in
My heart
For months on end
I wept and prayed
From this world he would
Not part
Oh talisman, oh talisman
What did you so
For me?
It is too late
For life is hate
I blame my ancestry
How long have I waited in anguish
Is it I who must foot all the blame
I have leapt, I have longed, I have languished
But at least now I can mention his name
I know I will never forget him
And I now have a little more hope
He helps me to see the love within me
And attempt, at least, to cope
I love him despite the worries and pain
That have glided along my paranoid brain
Despite the betrayals, mistrusts and regrets
I hope, he may love me yet.
10. (I Wish I Were Someone Else.)
Nothing you say can make me change my ways
Your words will have no effect
I want to die; the tears in my eyes
I wish I were someone else
Why can't you see, that you're precious to me
Yet you held me aloft from a rope
This nature be crust, and turn into dust
But how am I supposed to cope?
Emptiness in my veins, corrodes in my face
I wish that my dead were with me
Or that I could scream, present width in a dream
But it's sometime so I'll hug a tree
There's little left to curse
Leave wayward screams alone
Handfasted close in time
Though it could not be much worse
Cold betrayal now my vision came
Embryos molesting my hair
Too septic so I take the blame.
11. (Screaming.)
We're bleeding; we're screaming
Like fires in
The close
We're landing, expanding
But nobody knows
Or cares
Friendship is above us; satisfy our hate
With no-one left to love us, for our needs are still too great
Speak to the dead; if they'll understand
The living are worthless; they f*** and command
Reality is empty; its needs are too large
Its fortress implores us
To grab and submerge
As it sinks in the sea; who will jump off the barge
Cursed time; please your mind
It's amusing
Free love; free your mind
Discover what it is you need to find
Through the fields of grain
Where truth rots upon the air
When circles form; who seems to care
With crusts aloft, and flowers ripped
And bellies frown at your fingertips
Let this crow be your lessened home
Boing like a sparrow in a plastic dream
The world is dressed and in this alone
So let out a primal scream.
12. (I See You.)
I see you; I need you
Like death's icy veil
Entranced, I dance, to your glance
And breathing is dense though somewhat pale
Forensic, or dyspraxic, who cares?- you're away
I'm somewhat automatic, so I'm trying to neigh
In your membranes, on your selfsame
I'm trying to live, but I'm gone
With this world so cold and empty
All they want is alimentary
Too far, too soon, colliding in time
And this, like the moon, is subjected to mime
Your infinite body, I try to succumb
You hold me and rock me, but fall on your womb
Forensic dyspraxic, who cares?- you're away
I'm somewhat automatic, so I'm trying to neigh.
13. (Alone With A Smell.)
Sometimes you think you're a brain, though you've been slain
When the world wants to f*** you as well.
There's too many people, watching through peepholes
Falling from steeples
When you're
Alone
With a smell
Radiation; integration
They never give a t*ss
Feel pretensious redempted vibrations
For all love's misplaced or last
Let us all burn, and don't drink your ring
The world will be spurned, until we all learn to sing
Stardust tipped in our purple hair; watching the kaleidoscopic fanfare
Worthless, mirthless, with mind to kill in dell
But you can escape from the trappings of r*pe
Yes, you can escape: be alone
With a smell
You never know
You've hurt the world
Until you've cut it
To pieces
There's no stone that you
Can leave unturned
Until you die of its diseases
Fish are caught; a licence is bought
To murder, eat and maim
Doesn't mean they can't feel because they don't scream
You kill in your God's name
Loud murderers with no subtlety
Know not to feel or weep
I, myself, find
Your hate is blind
Your talk drives me
To sleep
Don't you care; no, they'll give you a quid
For the squid whose life you did
You did mine as well; you gave me hell
For can't you tell
I'm a murderer as well
But I've changed; is that so strange?
Not to me, anyway
Not them but me; you will agree
That is worthless.
8. (Paranoid Child.)
Paranoid child; tears in her eyes
Waving goodbye
To the side of the dawn
Something inside
That always was denied
I know because
He said so
Dreams are the only that love is caught
Yet you give me no day time or even a thought
But I'm shaking with my tears, swept along with my fears
And I scream like a werewolf in the night
I cannot wait for you; there's no love to be true
There's little chance of me
Getting over you and being all right again
Now that I will not be my expected image
Of the subserviant female, doomed to be bound and a slave
So much sadness, so much pain
My tears are falling down like the rain
Until I've learned to love myself
I'll never love again.
9. (The One I Love.)
The one I love
Is far away
But not so in
My heart
For months on end
I wept and prayed
From this world he would
Not part
Oh talisman, oh talisman
What did you so
For me?
It is too late
For life is hate
I blame my ancestry
How long have I waited in anguish
Is it I who must foot all the blame
I have leapt, I have longed, I have languished
But at least now I can mention his name
I know I will never forget him
And I now have a little more hope
He helps me to see the love within me
And attempt, at least, to cope
I love him despite the worries and pain
That have glided along my paranoid brain
Despite the betrayals, mistrusts and regrets
I hope, he may love me yet.
10. (I Wish I Were Someone Else.)
Nothing you say can make me change my ways
Your words will have no effect
I want to die; the tears in my eyes
I wish I were someone else
Why can't you see, that you're precious to me
Yet you held me aloft from a rope
This nature be crust, and turn into dust
But how am I supposed to cope?
Emptiness in my veins, corrodes in my face
I wish that my dead were with me
Or that I could scream, present width in a dream
But it's sometime so I'll hug a tree
There's little left to curse
Leave wayward screams alone
Handfasted close in time
Though it could not be much worse
Cold betrayal now my vision came
Embryos molesting my hair
Too septic so I take the blame.
11. (Screaming.)
We're bleeding; we're screaming
Like fires in
The close
We're landing, expanding
But nobody knows
Or cares
Friendship is above us; satisfy our hate
With no-one left to love us, for our needs are still too great
Speak to the dead; if they'll understand
The living are worthless; they f*** and command
Reality is empty; its needs are too large
Its fortress implores us
To grab and submerge
As it sinks in the sea; who will jump off the barge
Cursed time; please your mind
It's amusing
Free love; free your mind
Discover what it is you need to find
Through the fields of grain
Where truth rots upon the air
When circles form; who seems to care
With crusts aloft, and flowers ripped
And bellies frown at your fingertips
Let this crow be your lessened home
Boing like a sparrow in a plastic dream
The world is dressed and in this alone
So let out a primal scream.
12. (I See You.)
I see you; I need you
Like death's icy veil
Entranced, I dance, to your glance
And breathing is dense though somewhat pale
Forensic, or dyspraxic, who cares?- you're away
I'm somewhat automatic, so I'm trying to neigh
In your membranes, on your selfsame
I'm trying to live, but I'm gone
With this world so cold and empty
All they want is alimentary
Too far, too soon, colliding in time
And this, like the moon, is subjected to mime
Your infinite body, I try to succumb
You hold me and rock me, but fall on your womb
Forensic dyspraxic, who cares?- you're away
I'm somewhat automatic, so I'm trying to neigh.
13. (Alone With A Smell.)
Sometimes you think you're a brain, though you've been slain
When the world wants to f*** you as well.
There's too many people, watching through peepholes
Falling from steeples
When you're
Alone
With a smell
Radiation; integration
They never give a t*ss
Feel pretensious redempted vibrations
For all love's misplaced or last
Let us all burn, and don't drink your ring
The world will be spurned, until we all learn to sing
Stardust tipped in our purple hair; watching the kaleidoscopic fanfare
Worthless, mirthless, with mind to kill in dell
But you can escape from the trappings of r*pe
Yes, you can escape: be alone
With a smell
Edited by Rayanne Graff Apr 2006
**
*
3rd Apr 2006 at 9:58 am
River Phoenix
14. (Iron Pillow.)
My iron pillow is s*x on legs
He sings of spliffs and tripping heads
Boinging to sunsets, and bladders and veins
But now that I'm gladder, he'll be back again
Take this religion, to masses and see
I'm wearing my glasses, for I've learned to be free
Watch away through this
Thank you for the periwinkle
I stuck a pin in my iron pillow
So he screamed at me like an armadillo
Now he's dyed his mouth green, the colour of his dental floss
And he's living in Greece, so I feel the loss.
15. (Free From The World.)
Dyeing, crying
Trying for you
Seems so crazy, but there's nothing to do
All this confusion, when there's nothing new
All these illusions, when there's nothing to do
I don't care, just as long as I'm free from the world
Screaming, dreaming
Has a meaning for me
We're lashing at Ashley
Though she's ACDC
Make a contribution, or seek retribution from us
Sorry for what I put you through
I don't mind, if it encourages you to leave me alone
Though corroded, I exploded; and outmoded, I sighed
Then languished in a sandwich, and damaged, I died.
16. (Ognir.)
(This poem is weird and cheesy. Still, I was only 15 when I
wrote it.)
Ognir, you're soggy
Too foggy for me
I like your stare; your short, long hair
And it appears that my sister agrees
Although you wore cherries, not strawberries, on your shirt
A little indifference to the can't hurt
Broken tree memory
You weren't born on July the three
When I was fifteen, you were older than me
I've only one record, the single Time Takes Time: bought for me by my mother
I've got a postcard of you, holding a white dove
And when I'm thinking of you, I pledge eternal love
My sister's a T-shirt with the same photo on; she got the postcard before me
We've got photographs of you from the Beatles Shop, with McCartney on wearing a shirt
We think it's him, and we're not dim
And we're trying to be alert
Ognir, you're soggy
Too fognir for me
I like your stare; your short, long hair.
17. (Child of the Ocean.)
You had a long face and a beautiful name
How could I forget you, or sit in your shame?
Scattered destiny and wayward time
But life-death seemed your only premature crime
And so when my mind's filled; f*cked up with emotion
While I fall wide, so I can just be
That's when I think of you, child of the ocean
That's when I think of you, child of the sea
Oh that I were with you, so I could your hand hold
You always looked so calm, but you must have been unsettled
Rejection and ignorance were their bylaws
And this song has been written because, because
When I'm on a beach, applying the lotion
Wondering if anyone in this world's free
That's when I think of you, child of the ocean
That's when I think of you, child of the sea
I only ever saw you a few times, moments ago
But no-one ever really saw you
That's why I write this song, I think... no, I know
So no-one will ever forget or ignore you
When I feel I have buried my concept of self worth and devotion
And I've lost my dignity and identity
That's when I think of you, child of the ocean
That's when I think of you, child of the sea.
18. (Dying.)
Half the world is dying
Yet I don't know how to live
Should I spend my lifetime crying
Or remember and forgive?
Like a stormy sea I have learned to be
This caused them to exalt
Should I give in, gnash my teeth and grin
Do I care that it's my fault?
Is it so terrible to be a failure
Does it or make you alarmed and pale?
Although I do not have an inhaler
It seems a kind of jail
Death in its icy shadows
Climbing a skeleton tree
Though it holds its own kind of pathos
It's precious, I agree.
19. (Someday My Prince Will Come.)
(I don't think this one is very good. Never mind. I was only 15 when I wrote it.It isn't a true poem; I just made it up. The next one is better.)
Someday my prince will come
He c*me all over me
I'm an anarchist, unlike my mum
And despise the monarchy
I insisted on having the lights off
And wouldn't relent a bit
The s*d hadn't heard of Karkazov
And his trousers didn't fit
I don't know why I pursued him; I hardly knew him
We'd never spoken a word
He was hardly Kropotkin, anything but besotting
And he'd the nerve to call me his bird
So I ran off and bought him a plum
Though I resented his philosophy
Someday my prints will come
Now I'm into photography.
20. (Revolutionary Egg.)
You're always so full of it, revolutionary egg
Well, I've had enough of your sh**
I'm tired of hearing about imaginary wars
And how noble it is to die for a cause
You're just too f***ed up with laws
Where is your substance, who's locked up your bones?
Don't you want ever to be free?
You answer in grumbled, distilled monotones
Then expect me to pay you a fee
You say your intent is on changing
Isn't that the same with everyone?
There's too many toenails that you've left uncurled
Why don't you try following the sun?
My iron pillow is s*x on legs
He sings of spliffs and tripping heads
Boinging to sunsets, and bladders and veins
But now that I'm gladder, he'll be back again
Take this religion, to masses and see
I'm wearing my glasses, for I've learned to be free
Watch away through this
Thank you for the periwinkle
I stuck a pin in my iron pillow
So he screamed at me like an armadillo
Now he's dyed his mouth green, the colour of his dental floss
And he's living in Greece, so I feel the loss.
15. (Free From The World.)
Dyeing, crying
Trying for you
Seems so crazy, but there's nothing to do
All this confusion, when there's nothing new
All these illusions, when there's nothing to do
I don't care, just as long as I'm free from the world
Screaming, dreaming
Has a meaning for me
We're lashing at Ashley
Though she's ACDC
Make a contribution, or seek retribution from us
Sorry for what I put you through
I don't mind, if it encourages you to leave me alone
Though corroded, I exploded; and outmoded, I sighed
Then languished in a sandwich, and damaged, I died.
16. (Ognir.)
(This poem is weird and cheesy. Still, I was only 15 when I
wrote it.)
Ognir, you're soggy
Too foggy for me
I like your stare; your short, long hair
And it appears that my sister agrees
Although you wore cherries, not strawberries, on your shirt
A little indifference to the can't hurt
Broken tree memory
You weren't born on July the three
When I was fifteen, you were older than me
I've only one record, the single Time Takes Time: bought for me by my mother
I've got a postcard of you, holding a white dove
And when I'm thinking of you, I pledge eternal love
My sister's a T-shirt with the same photo on; she got the postcard before me
We've got photographs of you from the Beatles Shop, with McCartney on wearing a shirt
We think it's him, and we're not dim
And we're trying to be alert
Ognir, you're soggy
Too fognir for me
I like your stare; your short, long hair.
17. (Child of the Ocean.)
You had a long face and a beautiful name
How could I forget you, or sit in your shame?
Scattered destiny and wayward time
But life-death seemed your only premature crime
And so when my mind's filled; f*cked up with emotion
While I fall wide, so I can just be
That's when I think of you, child of the ocean
That's when I think of you, child of the sea
Oh that I were with you, so I could your hand hold
You always looked so calm, but you must have been unsettled
Rejection and ignorance were their bylaws
And this song has been written because, because
When I'm on a beach, applying the lotion
Wondering if anyone in this world's free
That's when I think of you, child of the ocean
That's when I think of you, child of the sea
I only ever saw you a few times, moments ago
But no-one ever really saw you
That's why I write this song, I think... no, I know
So no-one will ever forget or ignore you
When I feel I have buried my concept of self worth and devotion
And I've lost my dignity and identity
That's when I think of you, child of the ocean
That's when I think of you, child of the sea.
18. (Dying.)
Half the world is dying
Yet I don't know how to live
Should I spend my lifetime crying
Or remember and forgive?
Like a stormy sea I have learned to be
This caused them to exalt
Should I give in, gnash my teeth and grin
Do I care that it's my fault?
Is it so terrible to be a failure
Does it or make you alarmed and pale?
Although I do not have an inhaler
It seems a kind of jail
Death in its icy shadows
Climbing a skeleton tree
Though it holds its own kind of pathos
It's precious, I agree.
19. (Someday My Prince Will Come.)
(I don't think this one is very good. Never mind. I was only 15 when I wrote it.It isn't a true poem; I just made it up. The next one is better.)
Someday my prince will come
He c*me all over me
I'm an anarchist, unlike my mum
And despise the monarchy
I insisted on having the lights off
And wouldn't relent a bit
The s*d hadn't heard of Karkazov
And his trousers didn't fit
I don't know why I pursued him; I hardly knew him
We'd never spoken a word
He was hardly Kropotkin, anything but besotting
And he'd the nerve to call me his bird
So I ran off and bought him a plum
Though I resented his philosophy
Someday my prints will come
Now I'm into photography.
20. (Revolutionary Egg.)
You're always so full of it, revolutionary egg
Well, I've had enough of your sh**
I'm tired of hearing about imaginary wars
And how noble it is to die for a cause
You're just too f***ed up with laws
Where is your substance, who's locked up your bones?
Don't you want ever to be free?
You answer in grumbled, distilled monotones
Then expect me to pay you a fee
You say your intent is on changing
Isn't that the same with everyone?
There's too many toenails that you've left uncurled
Why don't you try following the sun?
Edited by Rayanne Graff Apr 2006
**
*
29th Apr 2006 at 10:02 am
River Phoenix
21. (Is It There?)
Is it there, is it there?
A world in a sea of upheaval, and nobody cares
I walk alone; feeling worthless and scared
I've tried to speak, but I'm thought a freak, and so nobody cares
Nothing ever happens; it's never real anyway, it's not as if I'm the only one
No one seems to understand
I could vaporise from the warmth of a hand
But my life has ended before it's even begun
Why everyone hates me, is beyond my grasp
I don't even have the courage to ask
I've lost my purpose, though I've always had pain
There's nothing to live for, save my disdain
With the embryo of my soul, rising through the air
I'll try to pretend I don't care
Shadows of my life, echoes of my being
I'll cut my hair with a knife, and try to find my meaning.
22. (William.)
William, William, where are you now?
Back in the green field, f***ing a cow?
They haven't forgotten you, just when you died.
What was it, patricide?
Died as a teenager, killed by a friend
You did not see your child before your cruel end
Your being cursed by
Is it there, is it there?
A world in a sea of upheaval, and nobody cares
I walk alone; feeling worthless and scared
I've tried to speak, but I'm thought a freak, and so nobody cares
Nothing ever happens; it's never real anyway, it's not as if I'm the only one
No one seems to understand
I could vaporise from the warmth of a hand
But my life has ended before it's even begun
Why everyone hates me, is beyond my grasp
I don't even have the courage to ask
I've lost my purpose, though I've always had pain
There's nothing to live for, save my disdain
With the embryo of my soul, rising through the air
I'll try to pretend I don't care
Shadows of my life, echoes of my being
I'll cut my hair with a knife, and try to find my meaning.
22. (William.)
William, William, where are you now?
Back in the green field, f***ing a cow?
They haven't forgotten you, just when you died.
What was it, patricide?
Died as a teenager, killed by a friend
You did not see your child before your cruel end
Your being cursed by
Edited by Rayanne Graff May 2006
**
*
2nd May 2006 at 10:14 am
River Phoenix
29. In The Green Fields.
I love you though your face is sorrow
In the green fields of tomorrow
I've taken the hate that I may borrow
In the green fields of tomorrow
Though you may be dead, your spirit's in the air
I will love you yet, although you may not care
I have always hoped that I would find you
For you could be right behind
But now you're gone, my thoughts are shattered
And it seems that nothing matters
So I'm waiting for you now
I'm convinced that you'll come back somehow
And I love you, though your face is sorrow
In the green fields of tomorrow.
30. (Anger.)
Anger instilled in my memory
I could not see for the shame
I'm feeling nervous and trembling
No one remembers my name
Who am I supposed to be
Just one worthless memory?
It takes me hours just to sleep
And when I do, I only weep
If everyone's against me
Why can't I boing and hug a tree?
It's as well that I'm cynical, or I'd be dead by now
Stabbed by my bitterness, pricked by its thorn
To be betrayed and dismayed by one icy kiss
It's for myself that I mourn.
31. (In Your Darkened Room.)
With the blood that is mine pouring out through my veins
And I'm d*mned if I'm trying to think
I have neither love nor other to cause me much pain
And my boat is starting to sink
But the past is clouding my arrival
From reality to second death
On the other hand, I've few chances of survival
Free detergent in your final breath
Small mushrooms are loading a freeway
With their much-loved prophecy of doom
They've designs to disintegrate us
In your darkened room
I'm sorry if I destroyed you
But you're the only woman I ever knew
I didn't make advances, for I knew I had no chances
And I'll crown my name with dew.
32. (Take My Hair.)
And I'm lost again in this lonely time
Take my hair, and scream away
Thinking seems a justified crime
For I don't know what I'm saying
Whisper naked through my bath
And you may rest assured
I love you woman, I've seen you coming
With your eyes azure
Like Karkazov, I saw you cough
And loved you from the start
But the one you see, is no longer me
I have a broken heart
For I've been betrayed by society
No Satan or satyr is waiting for me
Only you can make me lust
Or turn my brain rust
My moments were romance, but my dreams have died
like crust
Your energy is a remedy when I'm hatred or self-loss
And I'll give you my tearducts, unlesss they cause some dust
I caught your hair; screamed at your stare; groaned at realms pf unblinking love
I worshipped you like a Goddess, or an armpit from above
The most beautiful rainbow I have ever done seen
Your macabre has its own spaced out dream.
32. (Worthless Sweet Fortune.)
Worthless sweet fortune
You are not his child
What kind of hoped sunshine could break his frozen eyes
You know little of him, least not whence he came
Is involvement constituted by the fact he had fame?
The dead are enough, poor onion
Spec when they're from the Twenties
They're constantly coming or humming: their miracles
are empty
I do not claim that I could ever know you
On the condition that you never say that you owned me
Your psychic does not own you, though you must have
some ties
I take on the world weeping, and see through your eyes
Try to understand; but not overdemand, understand
Now I believe you, you were a care
The dead may be worthless, but they are fortune rare.
33. (How?)
How could they say it was meant to be that way; I guess it's too late to arise
Society is scum then, but it was a worthless surprise
Many were blamed including, I watch it again
I cannot forget you; my guilt bears this pain
My words now initiated what was writ in their hand
I could never anticipate this, what I do not understand
These m*rders expurged, the first writ in blood
With vampires' Revelations
I hate this world; this toe uncurled; what then, but love, is real
or good.
I love you though your face is sorrow
In the green fields of tomorrow
I've taken the hate that I may borrow
In the green fields of tomorrow
Though you may be dead, your spirit's in the air
I will love you yet, although you may not care
I have always hoped that I would find you
For you could be right behind
But now you're gone, my thoughts are shattered
And it seems that nothing matters
So I'm waiting for you now
I'm convinced that you'll come back somehow
And I love you, though your face is sorrow
In the green fields of tomorrow.
30. (Anger.)
Anger instilled in my memory
I could not see for the shame
I'm feeling nervous and trembling
No one remembers my name
Who am I supposed to be
Just one worthless memory?
It takes me hours just to sleep
And when I do, I only weep
If everyone's against me
Why can't I boing and hug a tree?
It's as well that I'm cynical, or I'd be dead by now
Stabbed by my bitterness, pricked by its thorn
To be betrayed and dismayed by one icy kiss
It's for myself that I mourn.
31. (In Your Darkened Room.)
With the blood that is mine pouring out through my veins
And I'm d*mned if I'm trying to think
I have neither love nor other to cause me much pain
And my boat is starting to sink
But the past is clouding my arrival
From reality to second death
On the other hand, I've few chances of survival
Free detergent in your final breath
Small mushrooms are loading a freeway
With their much-loved prophecy of doom
They've designs to disintegrate us
In your darkened room
I'm sorry if I destroyed you
But you're the only woman I ever knew
I didn't make advances, for I knew I had no chances
And I'll crown my name with dew.
32. (Take My Hair.)
And I'm lost again in this lonely time
Take my hair, and scream away
Thinking seems a justified crime
For I don't know what I'm saying
Whisper naked through my bath
And you may rest assured
I love you woman, I've seen you coming
With your eyes azure
Like Karkazov, I saw you cough
And loved you from the start
But the one you see, is no longer me
I have a broken heart
For I've been betrayed by society
No Satan or satyr is waiting for me
Only you can make me lust
Or turn my brain rust
My moments were romance, but my dreams have died
like crust
Your energy is a remedy when I'm hatred or self-loss
And I'll give you my tearducts, unlesss they cause some dust
I caught your hair; screamed at your stare; groaned at realms pf unblinking love
I worshipped you like a Goddess, or an armpit from above
The most beautiful rainbow I have ever done seen
Your macabre has its own spaced out dream.
32. (Worthless Sweet Fortune.)
Worthless sweet fortune
You are not his child
What kind of hoped sunshine could break his frozen eyes
You know little of him, least not whence he came
Is involvement constituted by the fact he had fame?
The dead are enough, poor onion
Spec when they're from the Twenties
They're constantly coming or humming: their miracles
are empty
I do not claim that I could ever know you
On the condition that you never say that you owned me
Your psychic does not own you, though you must have
some ties
I take on the world weeping, and see through your eyes
Try to understand; but not overdemand, understand
Now I believe you, you were a care
The dead may be worthless, but they are fortune rare.
33. (How?)
How could they say it was meant to be that way; I guess it's too late to arise
Society is scum then, but it was a worthless surprise
Many were blamed including, I watch it again
I cannot forget you; my guilt bears this pain
My words now initiated what was writ in their hand
I could never anticipate this, what I do not understand
These m*rders expurged, the first writ in blood
With vampires' Revelations
I hate this world; this toe uncurled; what then, but love, is real
or good.
Edited by Rayanne Graff May 2006
**
*
4th May 2006 at 11:01 am
River Phoenix
36. (No.)
Rivalry seems of little significance, faced in the midst of tragedy
There is too much indifference that will not give thanks
to me
Our births are but worthless; it's time to be real
You give me your hearse look; you forget how to feel
But I think sanctity thanks me; it makes me all right
I need a push button mushroom to help me make it through the night
But living is a mountain, or a house made from mortar
I cannot flow like a fountain, not when death is its daughter.
37. (H.)
Last night I had a fearless dream: if only dreams come true
You were suicide by cyanide, so I was then at last rid of you
I do not care for you; you took off my body
You ruined my life; one day you'll be sorry
I do not care for scum such as thee
Who have stolen aft my liberty
Who have taken my dignity, let it now be said
That you have no significance, whether you live or are dead.
Rivalry seems of little significance, faced in the midst of tragedy
There is too much indifference that will not give thanks
to me
Our births are but worthless; it's time to be real
You give me your hearse look; you forget how to feel
But I think sanctity thanks me; it makes me all right
I need a push button mushroom to help me make it through the night
But living is a mountain, or a house made from mortar
I cannot flow like a fountain, not when death is its daughter.
37. (H.)
Last night I had a fearless dream: if only dreams come true
You were suicide by cyanide, so I was then at last rid of you
I do not care for you; you took off my body
You ruined my life; one day you'll be sorry
I do not care for scum such as thee
Who have stolen aft my liberty
Who have taken my dignity, let it now be said
That you have no significance, whether you live or are dead.
Edited by Rayanne Graff May 2006
**
*
| 
5th May 2006 at 8:42 am
River Phoenix
I suppose it is pretentious... I'm just posting these poems to try & get certain things out of my system.
**
*
5th May 2006 at 5:37 pm
Quote: Ron_Nasty_
You know I was thinking about this comment today at work when I was drying up.
I was going to say: 'that sounds a bit harsh, no one's professing to be a poetry genius here.'
But I don't need to now.
Thee? Oh dear.
You know I was thinking about this comment today at work when I was drying up.
I was going to say: 'that sounds a bit harsh, no one's professing to be a poetry genius here.'
But I don't need to now.
[
6th May 2006 at 9:44 am
River Phoenix
If you don't like my poems, don't read them. Writing these numbered poems saved my life. I suppose some of them are pretentious. 38 is pretentious and naive... but I
don't care.
38.
No more screaming; they will not believe
They call you a traitor; a pervert, a thief
They take away your body, make muffled are your groans
They are sub-human, won't leave you alone#
When the government is overthrown
We will have freedom and respect
But I don't think I'll get over it
For I never could forget
When we are siblings, but not steeped with fascism
We will be dribbling with the fresh water of anarchism
United in Kropotkin, Proudhon, Bakunin
Overcome the b*ll*cks, whose right wing views
are looming.
39. (Inspiration.)
Inspiration is a piece of dirt, sobriety is a farce
A curse upon society, a finger up its *rse
Sanctity is false, the world is tinged with hate
Trembling, whilst dismembering
The fortunes which are no great
The world is a b*st*rd with no spasm of hope
It's worthless, and I can no longer cope
For the world makes me hurl; all it contains now is doom
A thousand tiny deaths, boinged in a second breath
Transparent in an icy tomb
All the ideas I have have gone to my head.
40. (Oblivious World.)
I wish I were with him; I wish I were worthless
If only I'd no feelings, could away the tears
But I cannot stop sobbing, my poor heart it keeps throbbing
And my brain has trapped in this hole for years
I've had too many heartbreaks, many more than I can take
I feel like the world has been killled, I feel guilt when I laugh
My memories are shattered, they are the few things that matter
For all that I have left of him is a photograph
Cold is my life now, my troubles and strife now
Are a common occurence that I know all too well
Tears and empty sadness
Have replaced all the gladness
Let it ring on and sting like a bell
I wish I were with him, I wish I were worthless
I wish I'd no feelings, could comb away the tears
But I cannot stop sobbing, my heart it keeps throbbing
And I cannot dispel all the paranoid fears
Fears that are crawling within me
Fears that do tarnish and trap
I cannot begin to explain all the pain, that hits me in the face like
a slap.
don't care.
38.
No more screaming; they will not believe
They call you a traitor; a pervert, a thief
They take away your body, make muffled are your groans
They are sub-human, won't leave you alone#
When the government is overthrown
We will have freedom and respect
But I don't think I'll get over it
For I never could forget
When we are siblings, but not steeped with fascism
We will be dribbling with the fresh water of anarchism
United in Kropotkin, Proudhon, Bakunin
Overcome the b*ll*cks, whose right wing views
are looming.
39. (Inspiration.)
Inspiration is a piece of dirt, sobriety is a farce
A curse upon society, a finger up its *rse
Sanctity is false, the world is tinged with hate
Trembling, whilst dismembering
The fortunes which are no great
The world is a b*st*rd with no spasm of hope
It's worthless, and I can no longer cope
For the world makes me hurl; all it contains now is doom
A thousand tiny deaths, boinged in a second breath
Transparent in an icy tomb
All the ideas I have have gone to my head.
40. (Oblivious World.)
I wish I were with him; I wish I were worthless
If only I'd no feelings, could away the tears
But I cannot stop sobbing, my poor heart it keeps throbbing
And my brain has trapped in this hole for years
I've had too many heartbreaks, many more than I can take
I feel like the world has been killled, I feel guilt when I laugh
My memories are shattered, they are the few things that matter
For all that I have left of him is a photograph
Cold is my life now, my troubles and strife now
Are a common occurence that I know all too well
Tears and empty sadness
Have replaced all the gladness
Let it ring on and sting like a bell
I wish I were with him, I wish I were worthless
I wish I'd no feelings, could comb away the tears
But I cannot stop sobbing, my heart it keeps throbbing
And I cannot dispel all the paranoid fears
Fears that are crawling within me
Fears that do tarnish and trap
I cannot begin to explain all the pain, that hits me in the face like
a slap.
Edited by Rayanne Graff May 2006
**
*
6th May 2006 at 5:25 pm
I didn't say I didn't like them
I was on your side, there.
I was on your side, there.
[
8th May 2006 at 9:18 am
River Phoenix
Quote: Diamonds_In_The_Dark_
OK. I misunderstood. Thanks.
I didn't say I didn't like them
I was on your side, there.
OK. I misunderstood. Thanks.
**
*
8th May 2006 at 9:40 am
River Phoenix
41. (The Night I Lost My Life.)
I was dreaming and screaming and all words
seemed demeaning
They would cut me abruptly, dismay and disrupt me
They would cut me, disrupt me like a knife
It was then I discovered, I must be my own lover
The night I lost my life
The world is an onion; it has never seen me coming
In the darkness, turned away from such charms
If only he were with me, perhaps he could forgive me
Fow wishing that I were with him, held aloft in his arms
Along with the sawdust flowing round through my brain
The tears are coming, they are flowing like rain
There were days once when I had not a gripe
But now I've lost my life.
42. (Child of the Sun.)
Come to me, come to me
Child of the sun
Encircling everyone
Your vibes were so mellow, your fortunes so deep
The world continues regardless, it does not even weep
As if you did not matter, they pushed you away
Although my memories will always stay
I will never forget you, with your love dripping like wax
I will weep for you always, unless they take you back
There is no justice, they know not your worth
Despite their youth, telling the truth, is still like giving birth
May peace flow on like an ocean
Waiting for hope that could come tomorrow
May the world rotate unfurled in this motion
Even though all is blood and sorrow
One day there is hope and justice
The world will combine its design on liberty
The barriers will overcome but now the damage has been done
All I can do is use projection for a while
While I'm lonely, I only
Need to weep like the sea.
43. (Frozen Psychic.)
She's looking for signs that are making it worthless
A memory trapped socket, dripping away
This time passes on unturned, rehearsed but unfurled
And I don't know what I'm saying
What is dead is dead and gone
Be it misplaced or lost
Now I have no hope, to query on or to cope
The world once snowed, but now it turns to frost
Frozen psychic; the world says it doesn't like it
It doesn't understand
They don't know what to do; they persecute you
While they issue out subdued commands
They stare and glare, they never stay fair
They make slaves behave like a group of frozen yoghurts
Ignorance is bliss, chuck psychic knowledge in the mist
You've not even heard of Paula Roberts
Persecute minorities with films or with songs
You make psychics feign guilt, pain and shame
But who's really to blame?
Implying they are wrong
Frozen psychic, the world says it doesn't like it
It doesn't understand
They don't know what to do, they persecute you
While they issue out subdued commands.
44. (Tears, Hope and Memory.)
Tears, hope and memory
Your gifts, after you live, unto me
That's all I have of thee
For I've created my own strength and dignity
It's hard to forgive those who don't understand
I wish you were with me for a moment, just to hold my hand
But now I remember, for you seem oh so close
Though I'm glad I didn't have that overdose
Your spirit lives with me, your love shining on
Though you're no longer here, you're not forgotten
I won't use projections; it's against my belief
I'll have to be strong now, and control my grief
Though I now feel angry, I'll maybe forget
Tinged with a twinge of lack of hope and regret.
45. (Oh.) (I suppose "victim" is a negative word. It's just that I don't like changing things in my poems... not if I can help it.)
Oh my child; oh, my love
I know what schemes you're thinking of
How you'll take women's bodies and increase all their strife
Who cares if you're sorry you've ruined their lives
If they gave Vicious ghost status, it seems no-one cares
No-one could expose it; nobody dares
No-one seems to know
The continual lack of hope
The indignity viewed with hilarity, and the shame
Ignored are the cries
In pain, the victim dies
It's she or he, not the abuser, who is blamed
You worthless piece of disease
You hear no-one else's pleas
You regard others' sufferings as your privilege, covering crown
Your victims are viewed as just chewed lumps of plasma
Though you've ruined many lives
Hacking with a metaphorical knife
You watch their nervous breakdowns; held aloft by an orgasm,
orgasm, orgasm.
46. (Scream The Impossible.)
Scream the pedestal, held on a pedestal
Bring them back from the dead, garbed in black or in red
They ruined a society who favoured depravity
You wished only for freedom, but they covered their ears up
Give us the message with the chosen addressings
Scraped in the shape of mire and anarchic fire
The media favours convenient laws, so then it rejects The Cause
They find it a threat to their life and unnerving
Though there's more to sweet liberty of anarchy
Than drawing a little a in a circle.
I was dreaming and screaming and all words
seemed demeaning
They would cut me abruptly, dismay and disrupt me
They would cut me, disrupt me like a knife
It was then I discovered, I must be my own lover
The night I lost my life
The world is an onion; it has never seen me coming
In the darkness, turned away from such charms
If only he were with me, perhaps he could forgive me
Fow wishing that I were with him, held aloft in his arms
Along with the sawdust flowing round through my brain
The tears are coming, they are flowing like rain
There were days once when I had not a gripe
But now I've lost my life.
42. (Child of the Sun.)
Come to me, come to me
Child of the sun
Encircling everyone
Your vibes were so mellow, your fortunes so deep
The world continues regardless, it does not even weep
As if you did not matter, they pushed you away
Although my memories will always stay
I will never forget you, with your love dripping like wax
I will weep for you always, unless they take you back
There is no justice, they know not your worth
Despite their youth, telling the truth, is still like giving birth
May peace flow on like an ocean
Waiting for hope that could come tomorrow
May the world rotate unfurled in this motion
Even though all is blood and sorrow
One day there is hope and justice
The world will combine its design on liberty
The barriers will overcome but now the damage has been done
All I can do is use projection for a while
While I'm lonely, I only
Need to weep like the sea.
43. (Frozen Psychic.)
She's looking for signs that are making it worthless
A memory trapped socket, dripping away
This time passes on unturned, rehearsed but unfurled
And I don't know what I'm saying
What is dead is dead and gone
Be it misplaced or lost
Now I have no hope, to query on or to cope
The world once snowed, but now it turns to frost
Frozen psychic; the world says it doesn't like it
It doesn't understand
They don't know what to do; they persecute you
While they issue out subdued commands
They stare and glare, they never stay fair
They make slaves behave like a group of frozen yoghurts
Ignorance is bliss, chuck psychic knowledge in the mist
You've not even heard of Paula Roberts
Persecute minorities with films or with songs
You make psychics feign guilt, pain and shame
But who's really to blame?
Implying they are wrong
Frozen psychic, the world says it doesn't like it
It doesn't understand
They don't know what to do, they persecute you
While they issue out subdued commands.
44. (Tears, Hope and Memory.)
Tears, hope and memory
Your gifts, after you live, unto me
That's all I have of thee
For I've created my own strength and dignity
It's hard to forgive those who don't understand
I wish you were with me for a moment, just to hold my hand
But now I remember, for you seem oh so close
Though I'm glad I didn't have that overdose
Your spirit lives with me, your love shining on
Though you're no longer here, you're not forgotten
I won't use projections; it's against my belief
I'll have to be strong now, and control my grief
Though I now feel angry, I'll maybe forget
Tinged with a twinge of lack of hope and regret.
45. (Oh.) (I suppose "victim" is a negative word. It's just that I don't like changing things in my poems... not if I can help it.)
Oh my child; oh, my love
I know what schemes you're thinking of
How you'll take women's bodies and increase all their strife
Who cares if you're sorry you've ruined their lives
If they gave Vicious ghost status, it seems no-one cares
No-one could expose it; nobody dares
No-one seems to know
The continual lack of hope
The indignity viewed with hilarity, and the shame
Ignored are the cries
In pain, the victim dies
It's she or he, not the abuser, who is blamed
You worthless piece of disease
You hear no-one else's pleas
You regard others' sufferings as your privilege, covering crown
Your victims are viewed as just chewed lumps of plasma
Though you've ruined many lives
Hacking with a metaphorical knife
You watch their nervous breakdowns; held aloft by an orgasm,
orgasm, orgasm.
46. (Scream The Impossible.)
Scream the pedestal, held on a pedestal
Bring them back from the dead, garbed in black or in red
They ruined a society who favoured depravity
You wished only for freedom, but they covered their ears up
Give us the message with the chosen addressings
Scraped in the shape of mire and anarchic fire
The media favours convenient laws, so then it rejects The Cause
They find it a threat to their life and unnerving
Though there's more to sweet liberty of anarchy
Than drawing a little a in a circle.
Edited by Rayanne Graff May 2006
**
*
12th May 2006 at 10:48 am
River Phoenix
47. (Flow.)
Flow, like a ghost
Your spirits turning around in your grave
There's apathy on the coast
Of those who have made your mem'ry a slave
If only you'd come to me, fashioned in wire
If only I'd died instead first
Maybe you'll come back from the dead of the mire
Who knows? It could have been worse
Who knows if we'll ever learn anything
Of love or peace; I don't know, but my vibes are bleeding
Though, surely, from guilt and grieving, we feed
Death alone, is death indeed
Blood's on the forest; alone, barring hate
Our future's demising; our destinies irate
I will focus my mind on a far-away time
When alleged mind-expansion, is not considered a crime
May your memory flow on like a river
A true being is never forgotten
May your love grow on and neither fade or be gone
As I lie here; selfish, weeping and rotten
May your memory flow on, like a river
May your vibes turn the world out of sight
And blow on, hour by hour, like a wind-grooving sunflower
With soft moments compressed; it's time to say goodnight.
48. (Remembrance.)
I cast mine eyes, and swept mine mind; for grief is blind,
for remembrance
For though you're gone, I still think upon
You're loving and grooving self-temperance
They seem to be trying to deny you now
No-one ever claims it's unfair
PC will go; instead, hatred will flow
Someone said you'd 'snuffed it,' shows
The extent to which they care
If this be love, that I am thinking on of
My feelings aloft on a hope
There is little surprise, for the tears in my eyes
While I'm screaming that I never could cope
Belittled excuses, in an empty room
Like a cold, empty, distant flame in the night
Just as I once thought; the world, it is doomed
The reality of the mentality seems to be: kill those who do
not fight
There was some kind of silence in the air, when you died
Claim for doom, in a mental loom, when there's nothing left to do but cry
The reality was a gravity; I sit and wonder why
I think, somehow, of a butterfly; who suffocated, before it learned to fly.
49. (Yes, No, Goodbye.)
Yes, no , goodbye
The words, shaped and fashioned, on a board
If I can know those who die
That will be my only reward
I suppose I could then use a planchette
So my words will be writ automatic
I'm here, all alone, with the dead's silent
But I don't think I'll ever be glad of it
Memories of the dead, who lived long ago
Unless I asked them, how could I know
How could I know, unless I asked them
How else could I risk disaster
With these words, spoken with the touch of a hand
Memories, fortunes, advices, demands
Who knows of the living, the living can lie
Remember, dismember; see it as a sign
Whether it be dowsing, ESP, or consulting the dead divine
Carved, as it always was; written in a line
Carved in a piece of wood; yes, no,goodbye.
50. (Death.)
Death is unfortunate, although it's a phase
Which murderers rarely desire
One time I looked to it, with hope and with praise
Now I can't take it anymore
I thought maybe, somehow, someone would alert us
And then, some time later, convert us
Thus saving many innocent animals
Mistreated on the grounds of human selfishness
Though death is a saviour, it's also our doom
As you live, you must learn to grow stronger
I know I'd feel safer, if I were now with you
It is hard for me to take it much longer
With hope out of the window, my arms fly akimbo; only to hit myself on the head
I wish I were with you, though, but your spirits glow on you
No matter what monstrosities stay said
When I was but a child, I saw your love and light
Which helped me with years of my sadness
Now you are dead and gone, your memory still lives on
With your hopes flowing on, this gives me gladness.
51. (Samhain.)
It is no longer Samhain anymore
So why does my body weep
For this beauteous one, whose song cascades on the ocean
Or scream his name in my sleep
(I didn't mean it in a rude way. It's just that I dreamt/ dream about him.)
Though my selfish tears have flown on, poor dears
I think you would have wanted me to be free
Besides which, I'm a psychic whose contacts don't like it
And a purveyor of anarchy
And with your body cast away from this world
Where will hope or happiness begin
Everything goes wrong, along in its turn
But everyone else is grinning a cheesy grin
May embryos cascade, in memory of a better day
No-one speaks on it, anyway; they've apathetically forgotten
In memory of a beauteous dream, when hope and love beads can be seen
What kind of naivete could this be?
I'll always remember.
52.
There is no hope for this world anymore
In its state of doom and disarray
My spirit is weary, embellished with sores
Which were not there before he passed away
It is easy to live; it's only matter and breath
But the world it is doomed, on it looms in its hell
Where's the Goddess who brought you to your untimely death
It just seems so futile and alone with a smell
Like a lone teardrop, trickling on the face of this earth
Softly trapped, never fading away
Everyone else here is tripping with mirth
But I cannot resign myself with the memories in my mind
Your eternal beauty will always stay
In my heart, you always will be
More than a dream and a memory
A semblance of something I once hoped would be me
Uninfluenced of what's left of the fascist regime.
Flow, like a ghost
Your spirits turning around in your grave
There's apathy on the coast
Of those who have made your mem'ry a slave
If only you'd come to me, fashioned in wire
If only I'd died instead first
Maybe you'll come back from the dead of the mire
Who knows? It could have been worse
Who knows if we'll ever learn anything
Of love or peace; I don't know, but my vibes are bleeding
Though, surely, from guilt and grieving, we feed
Death alone, is death indeed
Blood's on the forest; alone, barring hate
Our future's demising; our destinies irate
I will focus my mind on a far-away time
When alleged mind-expansion, is not considered a crime
May your memory flow on like a river
A true being is never forgotten
May your love grow on and neither fade or be gone
As I lie here; selfish, weeping and rotten
May your memory flow on, like a river
May your vibes turn the world out of sight
And blow on, hour by hour, like a wind-grooving sunflower
With soft moments compressed; it's time to say goodnight.
48. (Remembrance.)
I cast mine eyes, and swept mine mind; for grief is blind,
for remembrance
For though you're gone, I still think upon
You're loving and grooving self-temperance
They seem to be trying to deny you now
No-one ever claims it's unfair
PC will go; instead, hatred will flow
Someone said you'd 'snuffed it,' shows
The extent to which they care
If this be love, that I am thinking on of
My feelings aloft on a hope
There is little surprise, for the tears in my eyes
While I'm screaming that I never could cope
Belittled excuses, in an empty room
Like a cold, empty, distant flame in the night
Just as I once thought; the world, it is doomed
The reality of the mentality seems to be: kill those who do
not fight
There was some kind of silence in the air, when you died
Claim for doom, in a mental loom, when there's nothing left to do but cry
The reality was a gravity; I sit and wonder why
I think, somehow, of a butterfly; who suffocated, before it learned to fly.
49. (Yes, No, Goodbye.)
Yes, no , goodbye
The words, shaped and fashioned, on a board
If I can know those who die
That will be my only reward
I suppose I could then use a planchette
So my words will be writ automatic
I'm here, all alone, with the dead's silent
But I don't think I'll ever be glad of it
Memories of the dead, who lived long ago
Unless I asked them, how could I know
How could I know, unless I asked them
How else could I risk disaster
With these words, spoken with the touch of a hand
Memories, fortunes, advices, demands
Who knows of the living, the living can lie
Remember, dismember; see it as a sign
Whether it be dowsing, ESP, or consulting the dead divine
Carved, as it always was; written in a line
Carved in a piece of wood; yes, no,goodbye.
50. (Death.)
Death is unfortunate, although it's a phase
Which murderers rarely desire
One time I looked to it, with hope and with praise
Now I can't take it anymore
I thought maybe, somehow, someone would alert us
And then, some time later, convert us
Thus saving many innocent animals
Mistreated on the grounds of human selfishness
Though death is a saviour, it's also our doom
As you live, you must learn to grow stronger
I know I'd feel safer, if I were now with you
It is hard for me to take it much longer
With hope out of the window, my arms fly akimbo; only to hit myself on the head
I wish I were with you, though, but your spirits glow on you
No matter what monstrosities stay said
When I was but a child, I saw your love and light
Which helped me with years of my sadness
Now you are dead and gone, your memory still lives on
With your hopes flowing on, this gives me gladness.
51. (Samhain.)
It is no longer Samhain anymore
So why does my body weep
For this beauteous one, whose song cascades on the ocean
Or scream his name in my sleep
(I didn't mean it in a rude way. It's just that I dreamt/ dream about him.)
Though my selfish tears have flown on, poor dears
I think you would have wanted me to be free
Besides which, I'm a psychic whose contacts don't like it
And a purveyor of anarchy
And with your body cast away from this world
Where will hope or happiness begin
Everything goes wrong, along in its turn
But everyone else is grinning a cheesy grin
May embryos cascade, in memory of a better day
No-one speaks on it, anyway; they've apathetically forgotten
In memory of a beauteous dream, when hope and love beads can be seen
What kind of naivete could this be?
I'll always remember.
52.
There is no hope for this world anymore
In its state of doom and disarray
My spirit is weary, embellished with sores
Which were not there before he passed away
It is easy to live; it's only matter and breath
But the world it is doomed, on it looms in its hell
Where's the Goddess who brought you to your untimely death
It just seems so futile and alone with a smell
Like a lone teardrop, trickling on the face of this earth
Softly trapped, never fading away
Everyone else here is tripping with mirth
But I cannot resign myself with the memories in my mind
Your eternal beauty will always stay
In my heart, you always will be
More than a dream and a memory
A semblance of something I once hoped would be me
Uninfluenced of what's left of the fascist regime.
Edited by Rayanne Graff May 2006
**
*
23rd May 2006 at 10:00 am
River Phoenix
53. (Black.)
My mind's eye filters teardrops, my body garbed in black
I would that my tears and prayers, might bring you on back
An entire generation's now out of control
They crucified you in my mind, flung away your raging soul
Weeping for a shattered hope, that once might have been
Doomed to be just a character in somebody's dream
Once a hope of tranquillity that's now sadly gone
But, dialling a cliche, your spirit lives on
A love everlasting; or at least, so I thought
There are some things worth more; as such, they cannot be bought
But memories are teardrops, fading softly away
To be forgotten by tomorrow, or at
least yesterday.
54. (Why?)
Why is it only those who are loved
That seem to fade away in the night
My spirit sealed off in frost, but, what with lives that are lost
It seems it can never be right
But I still can remember the hope I felt you gave me
As a child, in my mind, you were all but my saviour
Now you are gone and your memory is one
Ingrained in the ground, with a scream and a sound
Why then was it you, of all people
Why do they no longer care
My pain is digging silent, still deeper
Why did they take one so beautiful and rare
When there is hope and oblivion
I will be gone from this selfish pain
The remnants of my feelings delivered
But I still see your face in your brain
Moments of hope have come unclustured
My eyes will never rise nor unfill
One day, I'll muster the strength to deal with this phase they
call death
Until then, I'll remember and think of you still.
55. (Emptiness.)
Emptiness, flowing through my vein
There is nothing left but teardrops and pain
What seemed once my only hope
Has gone away and I'm left to cope
With fear unending; still, the screams
Are helping to propel on a void
My subconscious propels dreams
Which only make me more paranoid
Emptiness, flowing through my mind
I could not know any more that I can see
Reality's so stoned, it controls just the image-blind
Leaving holes in them, causing misery
When there's a little hope, enough to cover my hand
There will be love, there will be plenty
But now I'm burning, my heart yearns to understand
Why life's a worthless conspiracy
Maybe it'll disappear, but people are weird
They wait for doom; but when it looms, they go deranged
They r*pe and kill in wars, as presumably, they're bored
People never change
I've lost my identity, but breathing is empty
From living in a world with a fascist empire
Now he's empty and dead, for what good has he bled
To be spurned by a world filled with fragrant desire.
56.
All the love I ever had
Has gone out of me, as has his life
He probably wouldn't have wanted me to be selfish and sad
But all the same, the pain, it cuts me like a knife
All the hope he ever gave
Has plunged inside a heap under the ground
Just as he himself has been thrust into his grave
So a part of me has died inside, now he's not around
All the dreams I tried to live
Have gone, now I have only angst and regret
But I don't think I'll be able to forgive
Myself for living and thinking I'd forget
So as the teardrops flow away
And I think, yet once again, of what might have been
Remembering it's just another phase
Although your image is constant in my dreams
Running, as the moment turns around
And I try projection on another time
When screaming was nothing but a sound
Now it seems to be another state of mind
The government will be overthrown
So freedom and anarchy will not begin
The world is nothing but a drone
So I'll never smile again a cheesy grin
From many months of inner, constant strain
Facing a world that's unable to care
My tears flow; they go, but then they come again
I'll remember him with flowers in my hair.
57. (Anyway.)
Looking through teardrops, but nothing could change
Seeing life as just another cold, lonely arrangement
It's all the same
Anyway
Maybe you hurt me and maybe you left me
Still, either way, I couldn't forget you
I've lost my selfish sense of rejection now
Although I've seen if I can try
Still I can't take you out of my mind
I wish it were me then, if I'd read the signs
You could be here, with your love shining on
The world is expanding; there'll always be plenty
So why am I feeling so angry and empty?
You gave me a meaningful sense of identity
You gave me hope, when I couldn't cope
Once I thought if I'd known, you wouldn't be pretending
I cry when I'm dying, or smile when I'm screaming
Always, such people are using projection
Taking pains to gain social acceptance
I don't know whether you'd be totally bemused
But I thought that your presence helped me deal with years
of abuse
Now I can't even thank you; it'd embarrass me
But I'll go and hug a tree.
My mind's eye filters teardrops, my body garbed in black
I would that my tears and prayers, might bring you on back
An entire generation's now out of control
They crucified you in my mind, flung away your raging soul
Weeping for a shattered hope, that once might have been
Doomed to be just a character in somebody's dream
Once a hope of tranquillity that's now sadly gone
But, dialling a cliche, your spirit lives on
A love everlasting; or at least, so I thought
There are some things worth more; as such, they cannot be bought
But memories are teardrops, fading softly away
To be forgotten by tomorrow, or at
least yesterday.
54. (Why?)
Why is it only those who are loved
That seem to fade away in the night
My spirit sealed off in frost, but, what with lives that are lost
It seems it can never be right
But I still can remember the hope I felt you gave me
As a child, in my mind, you were all but my saviour
Now you are gone and your memory is one
Ingrained in the ground, with a scream and a sound
Why then was it you, of all people
Why do they no longer care
My pain is digging silent, still deeper
Why did they take one so beautiful and rare
When there is hope and oblivion
I will be gone from this selfish pain
The remnants of my feelings delivered
But I still see your face in your brain
Moments of hope have come unclustured
My eyes will never rise nor unfill
One day, I'll muster the strength to deal with this phase they
call death
Until then, I'll remember and think of you still.
55. (Emptiness.)
Emptiness, flowing through my vein
There is nothing left but teardrops and pain
What seemed once my only hope
Has gone away and I'm left to cope
With fear unending; still, the screams
Are helping to propel on a void
My subconscious propels dreams
Which only make me more paranoid
Emptiness, flowing through my mind
I could not know any more that I can see
Reality's so stoned, it controls just the image-blind
Leaving holes in them, causing misery
When there's a little hope, enough to cover my hand
There will be love, there will be plenty
But now I'm burning, my heart yearns to understand
Why life's a worthless conspiracy
Maybe it'll disappear, but people are weird
They wait for doom; but when it looms, they go deranged
They r*pe and kill in wars, as presumably, they're bored
People never change
I've lost my identity, but breathing is empty
From living in a world with a fascist empire
Now he's empty and dead, for what good has he bled
To be spurned by a world filled with fragrant desire.
56.
All the love I ever had
Has gone out of me, as has his life
He probably wouldn't have wanted me to be selfish and sad
But all the same, the pain, it cuts me like a knife
All the hope he ever gave
Has plunged inside a heap under the ground
Just as he himself has been thrust into his grave
So a part of me has died inside, now he's not around
All the dreams I tried to live
Have gone, now I have only angst and regret
But I don't think I'll be able to forgive
Myself for living and thinking I'd forget
So as the teardrops flow away
And I think, yet once again, of what might have been
Remembering it's just another phase
Although your image is constant in my dreams
Running, as the moment turns around
And I try projection on another time
When screaming was nothing but a sound
Now it seems to be another state of mind
The government will be overthrown
So freedom and anarchy will not begin
The world is nothing but a drone
So I'll never smile again a cheesy grin
From many months of inner, constant strain
Facing a world that's unable to care
My tears flow; they go, but then they come again
I'll remember him with flowers in my hair.
57. (Anyway.)
Looking through teardrops, but nothing could change
Seeing life as just another cold, lonely arrangement
It's all the same
Anyway
Maybe you hurt me and maybe you left me
Still, either way, I couldn't forget you
I've lost my selfish sense of rejection now
Although I've seen if I can try
Still I can't take you out of my mind
I wish it were me then, if I'd read the signs
You could be here, with your love shining on
The world is expanding; there'll always be plenty
So why am I feeling so angry and empty?
You gave me a meaningful sense of identity
You gave me hope, when I couldn't cope
Once I thought if I'd known, you wouldn't be pretending
I cry when I'm dying, or smile when I'm screaming
Always, such people are using projection
Taking pains to gain social acceptance
I don't know whether you'd be totally bemused
But I thought that your presence helped me deal with years
of abuse
Now I can't even thank you; it'd embarrass me
But I'll go and hug a tree.
Edited by Rayanne Graff Jun 2006
**
*
2nd Jun 2006 at 9:59 am
River Phoenix
58. (Memory.)
Although you're now more than a memory
Trapped in the middle of things
I think sometimes, why oh why, how could this be
And find misery in every life brings
I'll always remember, though your soul is dismembered
How beautiful you were and could be
There are tears in your eyes, as I recall your demise
After all, you were only 23
There are some kinds of moments that cannot
be defined
Still, I see your semblance, tremble in my mind
Your vibes were part of my life once, how could this be
That you're trapped in a package with your memory
You're not the kind to flow through minds; lead screaming with your worth
It seems unfair, that one so rare, should go to
death undeserved
May your memory flow on forever; may your dreams also carry on
I can't stop crying or get you out of my mind; I'm not the only one.
Although you're now more than a memory
Trapped in the middle of things
I think sometimes, why oh why, how could this be
And find misery in every life brings
I'll always remember, though your soul is dismembered
How beautiful you were and could be
There are tears in your eyes, as I recall your demise
After all, you were only 23
There are some kinds of moments that cannot
be defined
Still, I see your semblance, tremble in my mind
Your vibes were part of my life once, how could this be
That you're trapped in a package with your memory
You're not the kind to flow through minds; lead screaming with your worth
It seems unfair, that one so rare, should go to
death undeserved
May your memory flow on forever; may your dreams also carry on
I can't stop crying or get you out of my mind; I'm not the only one.
**
*
5th Jun 2006 at 9:53 am
River Phoenix
59. (As The Tears Flow.)
As the tears flow down across my face
I've lost much ability to cope
But I think still of the message you would have gave
Have hope, have hope
As the tears flow free along with your memory
It will flow and blow your spirit down the air
I felt your vibes were near when I wished I'd disappear
From a world which I was certain didn't care
The tears flow on and drop and drop like rain
Symbolic of a generation that knows only hate and pain
The dark clouds bounce on from the skies
You were one of great beauty, so why can't people view the world through your eyes?
I think you'd like the world to go on and strive, like you, for peace
Blowing, like a mountain on a slope
A message carved eternal in a bit of wax
Have hope, have hope.
60. Smile And A Song
You always fought, with the love that you brought
To give and live to be true
Though injustice is rife, you would eat no-one's life
There will be another you
You harmed no-one else; but, so it is said, yourself
In a world that is blemished with wrong
Your love has not died and even your conspirator's lies
Will still mean that I'll try to remember you with a smile and
a song
I will not think of what might have been; I will focus on what
You strived for during your life
to achieve what you dreamed
And the vibes of your life won't be forgotten
You gave me a feeling, that I need not be appealing
That I must strive for my life, I shouldn't always belong
I will give my own rise; though the tears drown my eyes
There is hope in my heart; my smile for this song.
61.
Although I did not know you as well as I could
And I emulated your lack of hatred so much later than
I should
I thought that you were perfect; though it's thought you
weren't quite
Now you are gone, but your love shines on
Like a rainbow full of light
When you were here, you thwarted my fear
Three years later; it's different, I cry
I remember with joy, that you did not destroy
Your name burns, like a flame in the sky
You were not like the rest, who could not speak their mind
You will always stand past the test of time
No-one expected you to go, but you defied their expectation
Your name flows, eternal, like a flame in the sky.
62.
Distorted Perception
My selfishness, pure, in the guise of my tears
Though my thoughts of you may be projection
You sustained me; my brain and soul, for three years
Because of distorted perception
The future's not great; I see only hate
The world is doomed; it is falling
The rain from the skies; the love in your eyes
Which many are merely ignoring
I'm only protesting to those who forget you
They're afraid of your influence, it seems
Though their kind may deny yoy; all the same, you inspired me
And your image carries on through my dreams
Yet you could not face the truth; tis that your youth
Should be gone, with no hope of redemption
We'd borrowed your lies; so your death was a surprise
It was told by those who sold the distorted perception.
63. (Rare.)
I loved you for your beauty
Which flowed on free and wild
In a world which is cold and futile
But you were not that blind
Through all the hate we are taught is great
You seemed, anyway, to care
And I will sigh and wonder why
They would take someone that rare
Because your love was prepared to move
You would speak out, when you'd the chance
So you would fight for animal rights
While others didn't glance
You broke my heart; you suffered for your art
When you cut and dyed your hair
The love you gave, at least, taught me to be brave
For love, to me, is rare.
64. (Teardrops.)
Teardrops falling down my face
For one who gave me his whole
My tears flew mellow; I began to race
So I could gaze on the love burning in your soul
Perhaps someday you'll rise; but the tears in my eyes
Prevent me from wanting to breath
(I probably should've said "breathe"... I think I said "breath because of it rhyming with death.)
Your hope is still glowing, so why am I so boring
That I'm immensely affected by but your death
My future's dissolving, what could I expect
For not handling life as it seems
But, though times, I hate evolving, I cannot forget
At least, my hope prevails in my dreams.
65. (Withered Away)
With your poor memory, withered away
Or so it seems now to be
I remembered you then, and I try to today
You will always be a part of me
I am still breathing, and scarcely believing
While I can ask only how can this be
It was not to be, you meant so much to me
But I can't pick up like it's a dream
And with what's left of your body to be withered, it seems
I must attempt to contain all my wrath
Other people go on listening to tradition and dreams
While I know they are selling your photograph
I would not presume that I was ever like you
Though now I try to fight for animals with zeal
You cannot be restored; still, I think of you more
Somehow I believed that you knew how I feel
I felt you'd inspired me to crawl from the mire
That seems like only yesterday
But the world's bereft of you, though your memory's still true
And I think of you still every day.
(I think I said "mire as a Doors reference. "No time to wallow in the mire is a line from "Light My Fire" by The Doors. )
66. (Being Eternal.)
Being eternal, your name raised from the water
But still you were falling, and nobody caught you
As the tears flow down across my face
I've lost much ability to cope
But I think still of the message you would have gave
Have hope, have hope
As the tears flow free along with your memory
It will flow and blow your spirit down the air
I felt your vibes were near when I wished I'd disappear
From a world which I was certain didn't care
The tears flow on and drop and drop like rain
Symbolic of a generation that knows only hate and pain
The dark clouds bounce on from the skies
You were one of great beauty, so why can't people view the world through your eyes?
I think you'd like the world to go on and strive, like you, for peace
Blowing, like a mountain on a slope
A message carved eternal in a bit of wax
Have hope, have hope.
60. Smile And A Song
You always fought, with the love that you brought
To give and live to be true
Though injustice is rife, you would eat no-one's life
There will be another you
You harmed no-one else; but, so it is said, yourself
In a world that is blemished with wrong
Your love has not died and even your conspirator's lies
Will still mean that I'll try to remember you with a smile and
a song
I will not think of what might have been; I will focus on what
You strived for during your life
to achieve what you dreamed
And the vibes of your life won't be forgotten
You gave me a feeling, that I need not be appealing
That I must strive for my life, I shouldn't always belong
I will give my own rise; though the tears drown my eyes
There is hope in my heart; my smile for this song.
61.
Although I did not know you as well as I could
And I emulated your lack of hatred so much later than
I should
I thought that you were perfect; though it's thought you
weren't quite
Now you are gone, but your love shines on
Like a rainbow full of light
When you were here, you thwarted my fear
Three years later; it's different, I cry
I remember with joy, that you did not destroy
Your name burns, like a flame in the sky
You were not like the rest, who could not speak their mind
You will always stand past the test of time
No-one expected you to go, but you defied their expectation
Your name flows, eternal, like a flame in the sky.
62.
Distorted Perception
My selfishness, pure, in the guise of my tears
Though my thoughts of you may be projection
You sustained me; my brain and soul, for three years
Because of distorted perception
The future's not great; I see only hate
The world is doomed; it is falling
The rain from the skies; the love in your eyes
Which many are merely ignoring
I'm only protesting to those who forget you
They're afraid of your influence, it seems
Though their kind may deny yoy; all the same, you inspired me
And your image carries on through my dreams
Yet you could not face the truth; tis that your youth
Should be gone, with no hope of redemption
We'd borrowed your lies; so your death was a surprise
It was told by those who sold the distorted perception.
63. (Rare.)
I loved you for your beauty
Which flowed on free and wild
In a world which is cold and futile
But you were not that blind
Through all the hate we are taught is great
You seemed, anyway, to care
And I will sigh and wonder why
They would take someone that rare
Because your love was prepared to move
You would speak out, when you'd the chance
So you would fight for animal rights
While others didn't glance
You broke my heart; you suffered for your art
When you cut and dyed your hair
The love you gave, at least, taught me to be brave
For love, to me, is rare.
64. (Teardrops.)
Teardrops falling down my face
For one who gave me his whole
My tears flew mellow; I began to race
So I could gaze on the love burning in your soul
Perhaps someday you'll rise; but the tears in my eyes
Prevent me from wanting to breath
(I probably should've said "breathe"... I think I said "breath because of it rhyming with death.)
Your hope is still glowing, so why am I so boring
That I'm immensely affected by but your death
My future's dissolving, what could I expect
For not handling life as it seems
But, though times, I hate evolving, I cannot forget
At least, my hope prevails in my dreams.
65. (Withered Away)
With your poor memory, withered away
Or so it seems now to be
I remembered you then, and I try to today
You will always be a part of me
I am still breathing, and scarcely believing
While I can ask only how can this be
It was not to be, you meant so much to me
But I can't pick up like it's a dream
And with what's left of your body to be withered, it seems
I must attempt to contain all my wrath
Other people go on listening to tradition and dreams
While I know they are selling your photograph
I would not presume that I was ever like you
Though now I try to fight for animals with zeal
You cannot be restored; still, I think of you more
Somehow I believed that you knew how I feel
I felt you'd inspired me to crawl from the mire
That seems like only yesterday
But the world's bereft of you, though your memory's still true
And I think of you still every day.
(I think I said "mire as a Doors reference. "No time to wallow in the mire is a line from "Light My Fire" by The Doors. )
66. (Being Eternal.)
Being eternal, your name raised from the water
But still you were falling, and nobody caught you
Edited by Rayanne Graff Jun 2006
**
*
23rd Jun 2006 at 9:34 am
River Phoenix
66. (Being Eternal.)
Being eternal, your name raised from the water
But still you were falling, yet nobody caught you
Your face garbed in shadows; if only they'd known then
Once my tears turned to gladness, before one-fifty one a.m.
You lived to break down the barriers, which gave you no joy
Continuing to ignore those who sought to destroy
So you fought to save the earth and its creatures from pain
And you did in your lifetime; you did not live in vain
Being eternal, you rose from the mire
But now you are gone, and your heart is left burning in
their fire.
Being eternal, your name raised from the water
But still you were falling, yet nobody caught you
Your face garbed in shadows; if only they'd known then
Once my tears turned to gladness, before one-fifty one a.m.
You lived to break down the barriers, which gave you no joy
Continuing to ignore those who sought to destroy
So you fought to save the earth and its creatures from pain
And you did in your lifetime; you did not live in vain
Being eternal, you rose from the mire
But now you are gone, and your heart is left burning in
their fire.
Edited by Rayanne Graff Jun 2006
**
*
26th Jun 2006 at 8:56 am
River Phoenix
67. (Tribute.)
When you died, tears cast a-plenty in my eyes
It was like nothing anyone could forsee
My mother said, don't mind; they'll remember his vibes
They'll show a tribute to him on TV
And, yes, she was right; yes, they did
so despite
The way you were later perceived
Some tried hard to judge; as if your death wasn't enough
Those incapable of empathy or grief
So they showed them on TV; the tributes to your memory
Some lasted less than 30 seconds, therefore less than half an hour
I clutched my photograph, which I carried when you were alive
Of you, sitting; eyes were gazing left, hands holding a flower
Within several days, they mocked your name
Your age lessened a year
They said it was your fault for the way you lived out
Belittling all that you held dear
Your first film shown in routine: Wed, December Twenty-nine
It was censored due to words
That some people's minds thought should be left behind
Symbolically, after your death, they finally heard
You were treated as a statistic, by those who felt it was their duty
To exemplify the way you died; deny the way you held your beauty
Your words inside, still haunt my mind, sometimes cutting deep like a knife
I will always remember you and forever, and the hope you brought to my life.
68. (Dreams.)
I dreamt of you first in November '93, my way of maintaining your memory
Still it continues, so I know you're not forgotten
You have flown through the windows, bringing love past their hinges
While you're turning, I'm learning; some prefer to think you're desolate
I dreamt of two films you made; of one of them, there is no such thing
I dreamt I'd a T-shirt of and saw you on TV; the group with which you once played and sang
I dreamt of aliens, like in your first film; your parents told me they were sorry
Perhaps they knew where you were going to, and did not need to worry
They said Evan Dando had died as well, what kind of society
Could cause people to die, as young as 27 or 23
I dreamt you were throwing and breaking bottles of
former milk
Once I dreamt I wish I'd died instead, but that would hardly help
I dreamt of speaking with a like-minded friend about your 1989 film
I always felt you could understand, and help me to learn
For three years you were my influence, to the extent that it seems
I felt I must see you whilst dreaming my dreams
And when life becomes weary, you're still lingering on
That will give us all some beauty left to think upon.
69. (Tomorrow.)
I'd gladly pray for you, pour my soul away for you
Though my feelings of heart turn to sorrow
One day you will rise, from the myriad skies
Next year, perhaps, or even tomorrow
I don't dream of you every night
Every three; if the vibes are right
But I don't have a distorted perception
Like those who exalt and say it was your fault
Their feelings are only projection
One day they will know the truth, not judge you by your tragic youth
Instead of gnashing their teeth in horror
Though your life has now gone, your memory lives on
But it will never be the same now.
70. (May Your Memory)
May your memory sift in the holes, and then through
You ended virtually before you did begin
I felt, somehow, that you understand and knew
And you brought forth what is always within
Love, hope, inspired
There's many taken from the world
Now they're often denied
And their contributions left to burn
In this world
I didn't expect you to see
Your significance to me
But your soft memory has ended in tragedy
May your memory cascade through the ocean
I never meant to dismay or upset you
I don't write this out of duty or devotion
It's just that I can't, will not, forget you
71. (Why Must)
Why must I sit here, my eyes drowned in tears
I'm supposed to be singing and furthering my career
But, from all this crying, my throat has gone hoarse
Because of him dying, of course
The dream is no more; the world's worth seems bare
He never seemed to change; except for his hair
His memory's suspending, aloft on a rope
Which is why I must feel that there's no longer hope
Like a cold, empty room, with an unopened curtain
The world is bereft; its future, uncertain
(That line was a reference to Roadhouse Blues by The Doors)
One day I will continue, to life's banal extremes
But I now only project him, into my dreams
Why must I think of him, invoking such sorrow
I'll live with love like he did, though he's gone for tomorrow.
72. (Bite Your Lip.)
It was then that I heard, although I demurred
That not everything could be controlled
My persona could melt, who knew what I felt
As if someone had ripped out my soul
Then they tell me that they understand
Making me wonder if it's true
They smile with their pity, for they'll always be glad
Of telling people like me what to do
Bite your lip, child; it isn't the worst
He isn't the last, just because he's the first
You weren't the one given untimely death
Bite your lip and hold your breath
Yet somehow, I can see his presence in me
I believed, somehow, he knew how I felt
When my life seemed so futile, I looked to his beauty
Though I couldn't tell him what he meant to me now.
When you died, tears cast a-plenty in my eyes
It was like nothing anyone could forsee
My mother said, don't mind; they'll remember his vibes
They'll show a tribute to him on TV
And, yes, she was right; yes, they did
so despite
The way you were later perceived
Some tried hard to judge; as if your death wasn't enough
Those incapable of empathy or grief
So they showed them on TV; the tributes to your memory
Some lasted less than 30 seconds, therefore less than half an hour
I clutched my photograph, which I carried when you were alive
Of you, sitting; eyes were gazing left, hands holding a flower
Within several days, they mocked your name
Your age lessened a year
They said it was your fault for the way you lived out
Belittling all that you held dear
Your first film shown in routine: Wed, December Twenty-nine
It was censored due to words
That some people's minds thought should be left behind
Symbolically, after your death, they finally heard
You were treated as a statistic, by those who felt it was their duty
To exemplify the way you died; deny the way you held your beauty
Your words inside, still haunt my mind, sometimes cutting deep like a knife
I will always remember you and forever, and the hope you brought to my life.
68. (Dreams.)
I dreamt of you first in November '93, my way of maintaining your memory
Still it continues, so I know you're not forgotten
You have flown through the windows, bringing love past their hinges
While you're turning, I'm learning; some prefer to think you're desolate
I dreamt of two films you made; of one of them, there is no such thing
I dreamt I'd a T-shirt of and saw you on TV; the group with which you once played and sang
I dreamt of aliens, like in your first film; your parents told me they were sorry
Perhaps they knew where you were going to, and did not need to worry
They said Evan Dando had died as well, what kind of society
Could cause people to die, as young as 27 or 23
I dreamt you were throwing and breaking bottles of
former milk
Once I dreamt I wish I'd died instead, but that would hardly help
I dreamt of speaking with a like-minded friend about your 1989 film
I always felt you could understand, and help me to learn
For three years you were my influence, to the extent that it seems
I felt I must see you whilst dreaming my dreams
And when life becomes weary, you're still lingering on
That will give us all some beauty left to think upon.
69. (Tomorrow.)
I'd gladly pray for you, pour my soul away for you
Though my feelings of heart turn to sorrow
One day you will rise, from the myriad skies
Next year, perhaps, or even tomorrow
I don't dream of you every night
Every three; if the vibes are right
But I don't have a distorted perception
Like those who exalt and say it was your fault
Their feelings are only projection
One day they will know the truth, not judge you by your tragic youth
Instead of gnashing their teeth in horror
Though your life has now gone, your memory lives on
But it will never be the same now.
70. (May Your Memory)
May your memory sift in the holes, and then through
You ended virtually before you did begin
I felt, somehow, that you understand and knew
And you brought forth what is always within
Love, hope, inspired
There's many taken from the world
Now they're often denied
And their contributions left to burn
In this world
I didn't expect you to see
Your significance to me
But your soft memory has ended in tragedy
May your memory cascade through the ocean
I never meant to dismay or upset you
I don't write this out of duty or devotion
It's just that I can't, will not, forget you
71. (Why Must)
Why must I sit here, my eyes drowned in tears
I'm supposed to be singing and furthering my career
But, from all this crying, my throat has gone hoarse
Because of him dying, of course
The dream is no more; the world's worth seems bare
He never seemed to change; except for his hair
His memory's suspending, aloft on a rope
Which is why I must feel that there's no longer hope
Like a cold, empty room, with an unopened curtain
The world is bereft; its future, uncertain
(That line was a reference to Roadhouse Blues by The Doors)
One day I will continue, to life's banal extremes
But I now only project him, into my dreams
Why must I think of him, invoking such sorrow
I'll live with love like he did, though he's gone for tomorrow.
72. (Bite Your Lip.)
It was then that I heard, although I demurred
That not everything could be controlled
My persona could melt, who knew what I felt
As if someone had ripped out my soul
Then they tell me that they understand
Making me wonder if it's true
They smile with their pity, for they'll always be glad
Of telling people like me what to do
Bite your lip, child; it isn't the worst
He isn't the last, just because he's the first
You weren't the one given untimely death
Bite your lip and hold your breath
Yet somehow, I can see his presence in me
I believed, somehow, he knew how I felt
When my life seemed so futile, I looked to his beauty
Though I couldn't tell him what he meant to me now.
Edited by Rayanne Graff Jul 2006
**
*
5th Jul 2006 at 9:28 am
River Phoenix
73. (Understand.)
I thought, somehow, he could see me; I thought he could understand
His desert eyes, might help me rise
At least, I thought he would
I thought he would save the world from its hatred
Its request for death, and other demands
Maybe someday you'd fly, but how could you die
This I do not understand
One day your love will burn above
Spreading freely, across the land.
74. (Wondering.)
Wondering why, when the world passes you by
How can you, its praises demand
I thought you would flow, by the pangs
of tomorrow
I thought you were my only friend
I cannot see, how it was meant to be
It's not just another event
Wondering if the world, is always adrift
Though it always seems to have a defence.
75. (Strength and Derision)
You gave me strength, while they issued out
Their subdued derision
I was hearing your voice, inside me, shout
When I knew not of my decision
Those who could see, did hassle me
But they said they didn't know
The world's always the same, for people never change
There's too much conflict, for it to love or
softly flow
I probably wouldn't know if the world is ending
The future is uncertain, it's clear
If you gave me strength, for their derision's only pretending
That they've a way of somehow controlling
their fear
76. (Once)
Once the world was hyped up, if only by insults
Now it has f*****g forgotten
It can live off its hate, though it only results
In a world that is lost, tinged with rotten
Once there was hope; hanging from your soul
Unless I was only dreaming
Perhaps it was so, but it did make me whole
From the ones who killed me by feeling
Once they could see you; oh, your sweet destiny
But now, their praises have come to an end
I thought you had such hope, that I somehow I could cope
I thought you were my only friend
Once you were accepted, admired and respected
Now you're exemplified and spat upon
Some day they will see, you're not depravity
That your memory's lingering on.
That is the end of my 76 1993 poems.
I thought, somehow, he could see me; I thought he could understand
His desert eyes, might help me rise
At least, I thought he would
I thought he would save the world from its hatred
Its request for death, and other demands
Maybe someday you'd fly, but how could you die
This I do not understand
One day your love will burn above
Spreading freely, across the land.
74. (Wondering.)
Wondering why, when the world passes you by
How can you, its praises demand
I thought you would flow, by the pangs
of tomorrow
I thought you were my only friend
I cannot see, how it was meant to be
It's not just another event
Wondering if the world, is always adrift
Though it always seems to have a defence.
75. (Strength and Derision)
You gave me strength, while they issued out
Their subdued derision
I was hearing your voice, inside me, shout
When I knew not of my decision
Those who could see, did hassle me
But they said they didn't know
The world's always the same, for people never change
There's too much conflict, for it to love or
softly flow
I probably wouldn't know if the world is ending
The future is uncertain, it's clear
If you gave me strength, for their derision's only pretending
That they've a way of somehow controlling
their fear
76. (Once)
Once the world was hyped up, if only by insults
Now it has f*****g forgotten
It can live off its hate, though it only results
In a world that is lost, tinged with rotten
Once there was hope; hanging from your soul
Unless I was only dreaming
Perhaps it was so, but it did make me whole
From the ones who killed me by feeling
Once they could see you; oh, your sweet destiny
But now, their praises have come to an end
I thought you had such hope, that I somehow I could cope
I thought you were my only friend
Once you were accepted, admired and respected
Now you're exemplified and spat upon
Some day they will see, you're not depravity
That your memory's lingering on.
That is the end of my 76 1993 poems.
**
*
5th Jul 2006 at 11:41 am
Lord Sebastian Flyte.The one in white.
Applauds. *hugs* says "thank you."
I haven't been manicial all these years I have been in love! It is the exact same dreadful feeling.
6th Jul 2006 at 9:10 am
River Phoenix
*Hugs back* You're welcome.
Inability/ Ability- Monday, the 26th of June, 2006.
I am a rock
or... I am a wall
I am everything
or nothing at all.
I walk into the night
into the air
I breathe in hope
but I taste despair.
I feel everything
i feel nothing at all
I hear the blood
i hear it call.
I don't know what is real
i don't know what is true
Do I even exist?
i wish I knew.
Difference- Sunday, the 9th of July, 2006.
I am a butterfly
whirling through the sky
A creature of beauty
both graceful and shy.
Running through the wind
and looking at the grass
A vision of hope
in a world of ugliness.
I am a spirit
gliding through the air
As delicate as glass
as solid as a chair.
An animal of colour
kaleidoscopic and rare
Flying away
from a world of despair.
Weight- Wednesday, the 19th of July, 2006.
It's like an echo in my brain
it's like a sound of dirt and pain
I didn't listen; I didn't learn
i can't go back; I can't return.
I feel alive, but I still feel dead
it's like a scream inside my head
My world is peace, but peace is new
words aren't enough, but they have to do.
Life is pain; a scarlet line
the edge of shame is lost in time
I can't breathe now; I choke on air
guilt wears me down, as does despair.
I am it
it is me
It has to go
but it still will be.
I wish I'd listened to my dream
though they both are dirt, I can't feel clean
And I will never lose my burns
i can't go back; I can't return.
Gravity- Wednesday, the 19th of July, 2006.
I am a cloud
whirling in the sky
Watching all the people
as they pass me by.
Wondering if they notice
and what they might see
If I look like an angel
or a leaf from a tree.
The birds are my friends
i notice them fly
Creatures of grace and beauty
in a kaleidoscopic sky.
I am myself
neither ashamed nor proud
I am myself
i am a cloud.
Wishing For Nothing- 21st of December, 1995
(I must've been cutting for about a year when I wrote this poem; perhaps that explains why it's a bit mad. Anyway, I've given up now. I hope.)
Let me die in fields of bliss
it will take me so much further than this
I will not let you maske me cry
'tis for your hatred that I would die.
In the mountains of madness, my dis-ease will grow
as I die amidst beauty
or get smothered in snow.
There are times when I have no pain or dread
and I hear the voices of the dead
I will never remove them from my brain
they love me, because they are insane.
And I then collapse in shame and scorn
for the One that should not have been born
I knew you in another phase
when I was a cat, now I'm a trapped maze.
Then must I say, Death's warm and sweet
no more must I fall, to weep at your feet
You will excuse what you have done
you think that you're a Chosen One.
And so you live, by poisoning fate
thinking that chanting's bad karma
You're not its product, you made your own state
and hate is your nirvana.
Then I do lie in worlds of pain
there is no wisdom left to gain
I wish I could fly, to somehow ignore you
for I have a fear that I won't die before you.
Underneath- 22nd of May, 1999
I cry, feeling misunderstood
by a world that does not care
People give me space to breathe, but
they also flaunt their past lives.
What I am is obvious
and I am alone, frightened
But, perhaps it is better to
be silent than disbelieved.
In myself I hide, and sometimes
beyond that, I do not want
Any more hatred; I am fragile
lost, sometimes it is too late.
Some things- such as myself- do not
matter, they fall away like a
Screaming cloud; yet, all the same,
my heart has already broken.
Inability/ Ability- Monday, the 26th of June, 2006.
I am a rock
or... I am a wall
I am everything
or nothing at all.
I walk into the night
into the air
I breathe in hope
but I taste despair.
I feel everything
i feel nothing at all
I hear the blood
i hear it call.
I don't know what is real
i don't know what is true
Do I even exist?
i wish I knew.
Difference- Sunday, the 9th of July, 2006.
I am a butterfly
whirling through the sky
A creature of beauty
both graceful and shy.
Running through the wind
and looking at the grass
A vision of hope
in a world of ugliness.
I am a spirit
gliding through the air
As delicate as glass
as solid as a chair.
An animal of colour
kaleidoscopic and rare
Flying away
from a world of despair.
Weight- Wednesday, the 19th of July, 2006.
It's like an echo in my brain
it's like a sound of dirt and pain
I didn't listen; I didn't learn
i can't go back; I can't return.
I feel alive, but I still feel dead
it's like a scream inside my head
My world is peace, but peace is new
words aren't enough, but they have to do.
Life is pain; a scarlet line
the edge of shame is lost in time
I can't breathe now; I choke on air
guilt wears me down, as does despair.
I am it
it is me
It has to go
but it still will be.
I wish I'd listened to my dream
though they both are dirt, I can't feel clean
And I will never lose my burns
i can't go back; I can't return.
Gravity- Wednesday, the 19th of July, 2006.
I am a cloud
whirling in the sky
Watching all the people
as they pass me by.
Wondering if they notice
and what they might see
If I look like an angel
or a leaf from a tree.
The birds are my friends
i notice them fly
Creatures of grace and beauty
in a kaleidoscopic sky.
I am myself
neither ashamed nor proud
I am myself
i am a cloud.
Wishing For Nothing- 21st of December, 1995
(I must've been cutting for about a year when I wrote this poem; perhaps that explains why it's a bit mad. Anyway, I've given up now. I hope.)
Let me die in fields of bliss
it will take me so much further than this
I will not let you maske me cry
'tis for your hatred that I would die.
In the mountains of madness, my dis-ease will grow
as I die amidst beauty
or get smothered in snow.
There are times when I have no pain or dread
and I hear the voices of the dead
I will never remove them from my brain
they love me, because they are insane.
And I then collapse in shame and scorn
for the One that should not have been born
I knew you in another phase
when I was a cat, now I'm a trapped maze.
Then must I say, Death's warm and sweet
no more must I fall, to weep at your feet
You will excuse what you have done
you think that you're a Chosen One.
And so you live, by poisoning fate
thinking that chanting's bad karma
You're not its product, you made your own state
and hate is your nirvana.
Then I do lie in worlds of pain
there is no wisdom left to gain
I wish I could fly, to somehow ignore you
for I have a fear that I won't die before you.
Underneath- 22nd of May, 1999
I cry, feeling misunderstood
by a world that does not care
People give me space to breathe, but
they also flaunt their past lives.
What I am is obvious
and I am alone, frightened
But, perhaps it is better to
be silent than disbelieved.
In myself I hide, and sometimes
beyond that, I do not want
Any more hatred; I am fragile
lost, sometimes it is too late.
Some things- such as myself- do not
matter, they fall away like a
Screaming cloud; yet, all the same,
my heart has already broken.
Edited by Rayanne Graff Jul 2006
**
*
7th Aug 2006 at 9:17 am
River Phoenix
The Symmetry Of Rabbits
I never trust anyone
there is hope beyond the pale
Sound of lies they gave me now
yes, enough to comfort me.
Outwardly, I must
try to be calm, but inside
I am still pained.
All my dreams haunt me
tears can afford dignity
Killed- or at least torn- by shame
but now I am strong enough
Every day, my heart is
filled with tears and sadness
And I am an empty shell
running away from love.
Underneath my skin, there is
enough space to fill a void
I don't think wisdom is mine
but no-one expects a thing
Fear is logical
it is constant and too real
Silence is what I have now
because I am too confused.
As memories leave patterns
like a transfer on the skin
So my mind cannot leave its
body; such forces have gone.
I found this poem today. I wrote it a few months ago, I think. When I was still cutting. Which explains why it is a bit mad.
Ambivalent- 12th of August, 2006.
I wish I could fly
fly away... like a bird
Away from the hatred
of an uncaring world.
For I am nothing
or a piece of dirt
An inferior thing
i deserve to be hurt.
I look for redemption
i look for release
I can't find hope
i can't find peace.
I can't find an answer
i can't find an end
It's hard to find comfort
i thought pain was my friend.
Middle- Thursday, the 17th of August, 2006.
My memory is a fragment
split into pieces
Pieces of shame
pieces of nothing.
Memories of happiness
memories of sadness
Running through me
like an echo, echo.
A world full of questions
maybe there are no answers
So pathetic
so afraid.
Maybe the sky
can comfort me
Maybe the clouds
can feel my pain.
Although this poem is written in the first person, it isn't
about me.
Less- Sunday, the 27th of November, 2005.
The stars are so bright
the stars are so pretty
They shine and they smile
all over the city.
The people drive past
in their fancy cars
They see their reflections
but they don't see the stars.
Sometimes I wish
that I could be a star
Bringing light and vision
to a silent world.
I walk home
but I am alone
No husband to comfort me
no wife to love me.
Just the ring of the telephone
and the murmurs of the TV
And the books
the patterns of the books.
Soon it will be 2 0'clock
the Hour of the Wolf
When many people die
But I still have the stars
in my memory.
Resolved- Wednesday, the 23rd of August, 2006
I wish I could be
a leaf so green
Floating around
with the dreaming trees.
I would run through the sky
and dance with the birds
Make amazing discoveries
without any words.
To be a small tree
to be a small leaf
In a world full of shame
in a world full of grief.
Filling- Sunday, the 24th of September, 2006.
Just like a dream
like an August dream
And all the shame
and all the guilt.
So long ago
so far away
And all the hurt
and all the pain.
I fall asleep
so that i can't see
It is too much
it just can't be.
And yet it was
and always will be
Just like a ghost
falling away.
Falling away
falling away
Fading away
floating away.
St Mary Redcliffe;
Sir John Betjeman Centenary Celebration
Saturday, the 9th of September, 2006.
I heard about it
a few months ago
I thought it sounded exciting, because
i like Sir Trevor McDonald
I think he is a cfom
a cool famous old man
Like Don Warrington
or Michael Palin
Or Brian Blessed
or Rolf Harris.
The "it" which I
heard about, was a trip
I wasn't quite sure
what it was, but
I knew that it was
something to do
With Trevor McDonald.
Marc told me
that the trip had been
Organised by
the group which
His father sometimes goes to.
I had hoped that we would be able to go
i had thought
That Marc and I
would go...with his parents.
A couple of weeks ago
marc told me that tickets were limited
and we probably wouldn't
Be able to go
unless someone dropped out.
Marc bought some tickets
on Friday
So that he could
take his father
To a rugby match
on Saturday.
A few hours later
marc's mother rang
She said that there were
two spare tickets
So I told Marc
to tell his mother
That I would go
he said that a woman
Whose name was Chris
had organised the trip
And he said that
she would make sure
That i got home.
I got my bag ready
_ i mean, i packed it-
On Saturday
this is what i put in it:
Two blue pens
an orange notebook
A brown autograph book
two carton drinks
A pink purse
and a camera.
This is what i wore:
a black bobble in my hair
A silver dream catcher earring
in my left ear
Another dream catcher earring
and a bell earring
In my right ear
i had a gold stud earring
In my right ear
a silver turtle ring
In my nose
an homage to Janis Joplin
and her song
Turtle Blues
i usually wear
these three necklaces:
(but they're tangled)
A black, yellow, white
purple, red and green
Bead necklace
a yellow frog necklace
On a purple string
a silver bell necklace
On a black string
but because they
Were tangled
i wore my
Love spoon instead
it is a wooden, pale brown
Love spoon.
Marc has one as well
we made them for each other
I wore bracelets
on both my arms
I'm not sure which
were on which
Or if I've described
the right ones
I went on Saturday
it's Thursday now
Charm bracelet
with white crystals
And black jewels
with a silver pattern
(Anyway, that's enough for now. i'll post some more on Monday.)
I never trust anyone
there is hope beyond the pale
Sound of lies they gave me now
yes, enough to comfort me.
Outwardly, I must
try to be calm, but inside
I am still pained.
All my dreams haunt me
tears can afford dignity
Killed- or at least torn- by shame
but now I am strong enough
Every day, my heart is
filled with tears and sadness
And I am an empty shell
running away from love.
Underneath my skin, there is
enough space to fill a void
I don't think wisdom is mine
but no-one expects a thing
Fear is logical
it is constant and too real
Silence is what I have now
because I am too confused.
As memories leave patterns
like a transfer on the skin
So my mind cannot leave its
body; such forces have gone.
I found this poem today. I wrote it a few months ago, I think. When I was still cutting. Which explains why it is a bit mad.
Ambivalent- 12th of August, 2006.
I wish I could fly
fly away... like a bird
Away from the hatred
of an uncaring world.
For I am nothing
or a piece of dirt
An inferior thing
i deserve to be hurt.
I look for redemption
i look for release
I can't find hope
i can't find peace.
I can't find an answer
i can't find an end
It's hard to find comfort
i thought pain was my friend.
Middle- Thursday, the 17th of August, 2006.
My memory is a fragment
split into pieces
Pieces of shame
pieces of nothing.
Memories of happiness
memories of sadness
Running through me
like an echo, echo.
A world full of questions
maybe there are no answers
So pathetic
so afraid.
Maybe the sky
can comfort me
Maybe the clouds
can feel my pain.
Although this poem is written in the first person, it isn't
about me.
Less- Sunday, the 27th of November, 2005.
The stars are so bright
the stars are so pretty
They shine and they smile
all over the city.
The people drive past
in their fancy cars
They see their reflections
but they don't see the stars.
Sometimes I wish
that I could be a star
Bringing light and vision
to a silent world.
I walk home
but I am alone
No husband to comfort me
no wife to love me.
Just the ring of the telephone
and the murmurs of the TV
And the books
the patterns of the books.
Soon it will be 2 0'clock
the Hour of the Wolf
When many people die
But I still have the stars
in my memory.
Resolved- Wednesday, the 23rd of August, 2006
I wish I could be
a leaf so green
Floating around
with the dreaming trees.
I would run through the sky
and dance with the birds
Make amazing discoveries
without any words.
To be a small tree
to be a small leaf
In a world full of shame
in a world full of grief.
Filling- Sunday, the 24th of September, 2006.
Just like a dream
like an August dream
And all the shame
and all the guilt.
So long ago
so far away
And all the hurt
and all the pain.
I fall asleep
so that i can't see
It is too much
it just can't be.
And yet it was
and always will be
Just like a ghost
falling away.
Falling away
falling away
Fading away
floating away.
St Mary Redcliffe;
Sir John Betjeman Centenary Celebration
Saturday, the 9th of September, 2006.
I heard about it
a few months ago
I thought it sounded exciting, because
i like Sir Trevor McDonald
I think he is a cfom
a cool famous old man
Like Don Warrington
or Michael Palin
Or Brian Blessed
or Rolf Harris.
The "it" which I
heard about, was a trip
I wasn't quite sure
what it was, but
I knew that it was
something to do
With Trevor McDonald.
Marc told me
that the trip had been
Organised by
the group which
His father sometimes goes to.
I had hoped that we would be able to go
i had thought
That Marc and I
would go...with his parents.
A couple of weeks ago
marc told me that tickets were limited
and we probably wouldn't
Be able to go
unless someone dropped out.
Marc bought some tickets
on Friday
So that he could
take his father
To a rugby match
on Saturday.
A few hours later
marc's mother rang
She said that there were
two spare tickets
So I told Marc
to tell his mother
That I would go
he said that a woman
Whose name was Chris
had organised the trip
And he said that
she would make sure
That i got home.
I got my bag ready
_ i mean, i packed it-
On Saturday
this is what i put in it:
Two blue pens
an orange notebook
A brown autograph book
two carton drinks
A pink purse
and a camera.
This is what i wore:
a black bobble in my hair
A silver dream catcher earring
in my left ear
Another dream catcher earring
and a bell earring
In my right ear
i had a gold stud earring
In my right ear
a silver turtle ring
In my nose
an homage to Janis Joplin
and her song
Turtle Blues
i usually wear
these three necklaces:
(but they're tangled)
A black, yellow, white
purple, red and green
Bead necklace
a yellow frog necklace
On a purple string
a silver bell necklace
On a black string
but because they
Were tangled
i wore my
Love spoon instead
it is a wooden, pale brown
Love spoon.
Marc has one as well
we made them for each other
I wore bracelets
on both my arms
I'm not sure which
were on which
Or if I've described
the right ones
I went on Saturday
it's Thursday now
Charm bracelet
with white crystals
And black jewels
with a silver pattern
(Anyway, that's enough for now. i'll post some more on Monday.)
Edited by Rayanne Graff Nov 2006
**
*
27th Sept 2006 at 11:30 am
River Phoenix
And these silver charms
a cross charm
A dolphin
a butterfly
A heart
a moon... with stars
A pink bead bracelet
a black bead bracelet
A white plastic bracelet
a Beatles watch
On my left arm
on a red/ black strap
It's a fabric strap
i don't wear leather
Marc bought it me
from The Beatles Shop
It used to have a turqoise one
Because I didn't wear my bell necklace...
(It's like the one
River Phoenix wore
In I Love You To Death
i wear it most
Of the time
even when I'm asleep
It's like his spirit
is protecting me)
I wore the bell earring
to make up for
My necklace
and on my left arm
Two red ribbon bracelets
each had a gold bell
A long-sleeved
orange top
A long brown skirt
white socks
With ladybirds on them
black shoes
Made by Vegetarian Shoes
marc gave me them
For my birthday
i wore a coat
But i didn't need to
a white coat
An afghan
i bought it in 1991
In Manchester
or Womanchester
The woman I bought it from
said it was synthetic
And not sheepskin.
Marc took me
to the coach
He talked to Chris
then everyone started
Getting on
there were about
Six other people
they were all quite old
In their 60s and 70s, i think
but i'm not ageist
I sat next to
another woman
She said her name was Diana
i said, my name is Strawberry
She asked if it was my
first name or my last
I said, my first
because it is
Then she gave me my ticket.
I should've said
this before
When I was getting
in the car
I noticed a car... which had
The words
"Pug power"
written on it.
I looked out
of the window
I saw a biker gang
i think motorbikes
Are cool.
Near the church
was a house
With a blue plaque
it said that
Thomas Chatterton
lived there
I was glad to have seen it.
We went to the church
there were numerous
People there
a couple of hundred
I think.
I had left my coat
on the coach
Because it was too hot
when i first put it down
I had to flick
two ants off it
But i tried not to
hurt them.
Some people had
reserved seats
Although none of
us did
The reserved seats
had name cards
One of the seats
was for someone
Whose first name
was Hercules.
The vicar gave an address
then the choir sang
Psalm 150
then there was another song
Which other people sang to
but i didn't
because the organ
Was too loud.
There were official
photographers, but
Other people weren't
supposed to
Take photos
so i didn't take any
Anyway, i couldn't see
very well
But i could hear.
Trevor McDonald
read two Betjeman poems
Bristol... and then
hilton Marsh Halt
I think the best thing
about being there
Was listening to
trevor McDonald
Although it was
kind of surreal.
Then Richard Briers
gave a speech
And the choir sang
i Was Glad when they
Said unto me
and Rachel Stirling read
A poem...
youth and Age on
Beaulieu River.
Then the choir sang
and Richard Briers
Read a poem... it was called
a Subaltern's Love-song.
Andrew Motion announced
the three winners...
Of a poetry contest
for 11 to 16-year olds
... Well, the two runners-up
and the boy who won
He was called Jamal
the poem was
Called Kaleidoscope
it was about London
And the people
who live there
Their various accents
and something about
Different kinds of food
it was a good poem
Short, as well
unlike this poem
If, indeed
you could call it
A poem.
Then the choir sang
in Latin
Te lucis ante terminum
thee, Lord, before the
Close of day.
Trevor McDonald
read another poem... called
In a Bath Tea Shop...
the Bishop of Swindon
Gave an address
he said that, even though
John Betjeman
once wrote a poem
Where he compared
swindon... to a jellyfish
He loved Swindon really
and it loved him
Or something.
Rachel Stirling
read another poem...
Called Uffington. Then
there was another hymn
And we left the church
i got lost in the crowd
So i sat outside
and looked at the
Yellow programme
i read some of the
Poems which were in it
i was there for about
20 minutes
prior to that
I had been in
the marquee
But i had left
and gone to sit
On the bench
this is because
I didn't know
where everyone was.
20 minutes
but it felt like longer
Diane found me
i went in the
Marquee with her
and we sat at a table
With some other people
she asked me
If I had seen
someone called Judy
I said that i hadn't
although they
Found her later.
Diane told me
that... while she had been
Looking for Judy
she went in the church
And she saw
trevor McDonald
He was only there
for a couple
Of minutes
he was on his own
For a bit
then he gave
His autograph
to a couple of people
And i said
that i was
Well, that i am
a bit of a fan
And Diane said
yes, but would you
Have been brave enough
to talk to him?
I said that i
thought i
Would have been
and she said that
She talked to someone
called Julia McKenzie
And told her
that she
Admired her work
then she said
Oh, but you
probably won't
Have heard of her
So... i asked
is she an actress?
Yes, Diane said
she is an actress.
There was a group
of women
In the marquee
about five of them
They were in
their twenties
And played violins.
I told Diane
that i was going
To look outside
and around
For a bit.
a cross charm
A dolphin
a butterfly
A heart
a moon... with stars
A pink bead bracelet
a black bead bracelet
A white plastic bracelet
a Beatles watch
On my left arm
on a red/ black strap
It's a fabric strap
i don't wear leather
Marc bought it me
from The Beatles Shop
It used to have a turqoise one
Because I didn't wear my bell necklace...
(It's like the one
River Phoenix wore
In I Love You To Death
i wear it most
Of the time
even when I'm asleep
It's like his spirit
is protecting me)
I wore the bell earring
to make up for
My necklace
and on my left arm
Two red ribbon bracelets
each had a gold bell
A long-sleeved
orange top
A long brown skirt
white socks
With ladybirds on them
black shoes
Made by Vegetarian Shoes
marc gave me them
For my birthday
i wore a coat
But i didn't need to
a white coat
An afghan
i bought it in 1991
In Manchester
or Womanchester
The woman I bought it from
said it was synthetic
And not sheepskin.
Marc took me
to the coach
He talked to Chris
then everyone started
Getting on
there were about
Six other people
they were all quite old
In their 60s and 70s, i think
but i'm not ageist
I sat next to
another woman
She said her name was Diana
i said, my name is Strawberry
She asked if it was my
first name or my last
I said, my first
because it is
Then she gave me my ticket.
I should've said
this before
When I was getting
in the car
I noticed a car... which had
The words
"Pug power"
written on it.
I looked out
of the window
I saw a biker gang
i think motorbikes
Are cool.
Near the church
was a house
With a blue plaque
it said that
Thomas Chatterton
lived there
I was glad to have seen it.
We went to the church
there were numerous
People there
a couple of hundred
I think.
I had left my coat
on the coach
Because it was too hot
when i first put it down
I had to flick
two ants off it
But i tried not to
hurt them.
Some people had
reserved seats
Although none of
us did
The reserved seats
had name cards
One of the seats
was for someone
Whose first name
was Hercules.
The vicar gave an address
then the choir sang
Psalm 150
then there was another song
Which other people sang to
but i didn't
because the organ
Was too loud.
There were official
photographers, but
Other people weren't
supposed to
Take photos
so i didn't take any
Anyway, i couldn't see
very well
But i could hear.
Trevor McDonald
read two Betjeman poems
Bristol... and then
hilton Marsh Halt
I think the best thing
about being there
Was listening to
trevor McDonald
Although it was
kind of surreal.
Then Richard Briers
gave a speech
And the choir sang
i Was Glad when they
Said unto me
and Rachel Stirling read
A poem...
youth and Age on
Beaulieu River.
Then the choir sang
and Richard Briers
Read a poem... it was called
a Subaltern's Love-song.
Andrew Motion announced
the three winners...
Of a poetry contest
for 11 to 16-year olds
... Well, the two runners-up
and the boy who won
He was called Jamal
the poem was
Called Kaleidoscope
it was about London
And the people
who live there
Their various accents
and something about
Different kinds of food
it was a good poem
Short, as well
unlike this poem
If, indeed
you could call it
A poem.
Then the choir sang
in Latin
Te lucis ante terminum
thee, Lord, before the
Close of day.
Trevor McDonald
read another poem... called
In a Bath Tea Shop...
the Bishop of Swindon
Gave an address
he said that, even though
John Betjeman
once wrote a poem
Where he compared
swindon... to a jellyfish
He loved Swindon really
and it loved him
Or something.
Rachel Stirling
read another poem...
Called Uffington. Then
there was another hymn
And we left the church
i got lost in the crowd
So i sat outside
and looked at the
Yellow programme
i read some of the
Poems which were in it
i was there for about
20 minutes
prior to that
I had been in
the marquee
But i had left
and gone to sit
On the bench
this is because
I didn't know
where everyone was.
20 minutes
but it felt like longer
Diane found me
i went in the
Marquee with her
and we sat at a table
With some other people
she asked me
If I had seen
someone called Judy
I said that i hadn't
although they
Found her later.
Diane told me
that... while she had been
Looking for Judy
she went in the church
And she saw
trevor McDonald
He was only there
for a couple
Of minutes
he was on his own
For a bit
then he gave
His autograph
to a couple of people
And i said
that i was
Well, that i am
a bit of a fan
And Diane said
yes, but would you
Have been brave enough
to talk to him?
I said that i
thought i
Would have been
and she said that
She talked to someone
called Julia McKenzie
And told her
that she
Admired her work
then she said
Oh, but you
probably won't
Have heard of her
So... i asked
is she an actress?
Yes, Diane said
she is an actress.
There was a group
of women
In the marquee
about five of them
They were in
their twenties
And played violins.
I told Diane
that i was going
To look outside
and around
For a bit.
Edited by Rayanne Graff Oct 2006
**
*
12th Oct 2006 at 11:13 am
River Phoenix
I went in the church
for a couple of minutes
And... near the marquee
there was a book stall
I bought two books...
my favourite Betjeman
Which had a red, black
and white cover
And... The Best Loved Poems
of John Betjeman
Which had a blue, orange and purple cover.
I went back
to the marquee
And Diane
and another woman
Were talking about
rachel Stirling
I don't know the name
of the other woman.
They were talking about
how she is
Dame Diana
rigg's daughter
And they said
that she had been
In plays
and I said...
Yeah, and she was in
a TV programme
Called Tipping The Velvet
i like impressing people
With my nerdy knowledge.
About 20 minutes later
we left the marquee
And stood outside
near a grey wall
And waited for the couch
everyone else got off
Near the place where
we had been taken from
And Diane asked the driver
to take me home
There was no-one else
on the coach
So... i felt shy
well, shyer.
I explained to him
how to get to the flat
And i went in
marc wasn't back yet
So I watched a bit
of a programme
Called Fundamentalists
it was on Channel Four
And the bloke
who presented it
Interviewed Hindu
fundamentalists... and
Christian fundamentalists
i didn't see
All of it, though
i only watched about
Half an hour
there was a bit
Where he interviewed
this American guy
Who worked in a factory
where they made Bibles
Which were
in numerous languages
And there was
an American Bible
Which had
a picture of an eagle
And some stars
on the cover
I felt
somewhat baffled
By the display
of gung-ho patriotism.
Then I had a bath
and Marc rang
He said
that he would be
Home in a few minutes
and when we came back
We had chips
for dinner
Well, I s'pose it
was supper.
I asked Marc
about the match
He said that
his team won
And that
there was
This nerdy bloke
who was there
With two women
and they knew more
About the game
than he did.
I told him
about Hercules
And i said
that Elton John's
Middle name
is Hercules
But that
he used to be called
Reginald Dwight
before he changed
His name
and Marc said
He thought that
dwight sounded like
A Jewish name
then he talked about
Dwight Yorke
but he said that
He couldn't think of
any black/ Jewish people
And i said that
sammy Davis, Junior
Was Jewish
because he converted
And he asked
about when
Trevor McDonald
read the poems
He said: Did
trevor McDonald say:
These are the poems. Bong!
like when he read
The News At Ten
but i said
That he didn't.
He asked about
richard Briers
When he said
that he mentioned
Terry-Thomas
marc asked
If he was name-dropping.
I said
that it wasn't like that
But that he said
that Terry-Thomas
Was his cousin
and that he supported
And helped him
before he was famous
Well, he didn't
say it like that
He didn't say
famous, anyway
He said when he was
a struggling/ young actor
I told Marc
about this bloke
I saw
in the marquee
He was old
in his 60s, i think
His beard was long
and grey
And fluffy
it was an
Impressive beard.
That is the end of the poem.
Transfer- 31st of October, 2006.
My mind is somewhere
it is somewhere else
Like i found another time
and i'm on another planet.
Another vision, another ghost
because i never remembered
I thought i didn't
i thought i couldn't.
Lost and forgotten
hidden from time
And i can hear an echo
but it is just a label.
Never- 6th of January, 2007.
i wish i could feel
but everything
Is colliding
just like i thought.
Time is an enemy
lost in nothingness
Nothing
turning into fear.
It is gone
everything is gone
A shadow of
what once was.
Minds- 21/1/2007.
Little chick
looking for his mother
Poor little chick
miles away from home.
A few steps seem
like miles
A few minutes seem
like hours.
He is a brave creature
his feet carry him
Leading him
to safety.
i hope
that he will find her
i don't know if he did
but i hope it in my heart.
Found- 21/1/2007.
If i could feel
a distance
From the world
if it could be enough.
It isn't what
i wish for
It is what
it has to be.
Like an armour
shell-like and hidden
Too far way
or not far enough.
Safety is fragile
comfort is fleeting
i wish everyone
didn't scare me so much.
Disappear- 26/1/2007.
Too scared
too lost
i thought it would go
maybe it never will.
i wish i could hide
but it hurts too much
It hurts inside
and it always did.
It always did
and now it hurts more
But i always knew
i knew it would.
It isn't despair
just shame and fear
It's like i can't breathe
too slow; too long.
Remote- 29/1/2007.
Falling
falling into nothingness
Back and forth
it will return.
i can't exist
invisible
Can't be contained
anywhere, everywhere.
My senses are numb
can't find the right words
No-one can hurt you
if you don't feel anything.
Half- 31/1/2007.
i always hoped
that one day
i would be
normal.
i still wish it
but it can't happen
A dream of hope
it turned into sadness.
i wish i could
belong to this world
But i can't
and i never will.
It feels like
i live on
Another planet
and i hate it.
Torn into
into pieces
i feel like i'm
split in half.
Into The Wilderness- 17/10/ 1998.
i want to die; im just so tired
of society's double standards
Cursed perhaps, or just depressed, and
only deserving shame, sorrow.
Yes, i am loved; but i think that
it's not deserved, and i hate
Myself- a shell, perhaps, this refuge of mine
is a place for me to hide and escape.
A sense of confusion, a sense
of loss; enters my mind, haunts my heart
These walls of shame are built by me
this world is full of emptiness.
No passion or truth will ease my
pain, so i try to conform
Nothing, it seems, is ever enough, and i
don't know if i will ever be at peace.
Screams of The Mind And Spirit- 27/ 1 / 1998.
Boredom runs through my veins
the loss of knowledge is rife
i have seen stretching pains
pain is a large part of life.
This world is full of hate
people's faces become stone
Art is what i want to rate
but i feel fragile, alone
Love is what i went to see
and what i tried to find
With shame's burnt, cold spirit
forever in my mind.
No coldness, only fear
of being dirty and strange
Sadness and shame are here
perhaps these things won't change.
Pieces of Distortion- 17th of February, 1998.
Being alive just turns me to stone
it is devoid of profundity; it is fake
The symmetry of others moves me
and yet i am still close to drowning in my hate.
Memories, clinging onto me
are like the grasping remnants of an old illness
i hardly ever did tell then
and i am not attempting to recall it now.
Perhaps it was not caused by me
however, i feel as though it is all my fault
Maybe those times have gone away
yet i think i'll remain, consumed by fear and shame.
No i'm not false, my thoughts are real
they stain my soul and burn the edges of my skin
Disbelieved, but i know what i
remember- or at least pieces of memories.
The Confusion of Despair- 21st of February, 1998.
There is a hole in my mind
where happiness might have been
Peace can be so hard to find
when you've seen what i've seen,
Pieces of my thoughts will move
away from where i was hurt
Delight, i don't deserve it
for i am filled with dirt.
It isn't that i don't care
about other people, but
Communication is a struggle- breathing's bad enough.
The Leaves Whisper- 16th of April, 1998.
There is no hope in having heroes
or attaching labels to time
Reality leaves sadness in me
and so do unacknowledged wars.
Though we live in an age of reason
this world has not really progressed
Beyond the trappings of hate and fights
meaning remains forever lost.
There is no time to justify
reasons how, or reasons why
But there is always time for us to
fall into the soft arms of death.
Maybe i'm embittered by a kind
of alienation, empty
Is my soul- somehow i feel a void
silence, confusion; i don't know what.
The Scream of Denial- 16th of April, 1998.
It is somewhat trying to be shy
when others are full of loudness
The world is full of jumping extremes
even clouds are not vast enough.
What i once had may indeed be lost
because uncertainty is rife
People are like chameleons
it is futile to trust anyone.
i hope that i can guard myself
against bigots and hypocrites
Who seize the chance to interrupt
and launch themselves on a power trip.
To Be Insulted- 16th of April, 1998.
Another day, negated
yet another passes, my hopes are denied
But i know how to love, and
that still seems better than crushing confidence.
Betrayal is certainty
disappointing lives are somehow
torn, by an
endless, grey stream of hatred.
Invisible?
Five hundred is nothing to me
the words i speak, the dust i breathe
Oh, she is lost in her spirit
her mind has been ruined by time.
i have almost been regressing
to times which i never held dear
So now i try to be quiet
in order to be left alone.
Within myself i will wander
until i can find a purpose
And i look for a solid cause
instead of a fragile hope.
Fear may never escape from me
my heart, it is frozen and numb
i do not hate groups of people
although it has often been said.
If i live i will self-destruct
or at least that is how it seems
Five hundred is nothing to me
and i am nothing to myself.
for a couple of minutes
And... near the marquee
there was a book stall
I bought two books...
my favourite Betjeman
Which had a red, black
and white cover
And... The Best Loved Poems
of John Betjeman
Which had a blue, orange and purple cover.
I went back
to the marquee
And Diane
and another woman
Were talking about
rachel Stirling
I don't know the name
of the other woman.
They were talking about
how she is
Dame Diana
rigg's daughter
And they said
that she had been
In plays
and I said...
Yeah, and she was in
a TV programme
Called Tipping The Velvet
i like impressing people
With my nerdy knowledge.
About 20 minutes later
we left the marquee
And stood outside
near a grey wall
And waited for the couch
everyone else got off
Near the place where
we had been taken from
And Diane asked the driver
to take me home
There was no-one else
on the coach
So... i felt shy
well, shyer.
I explained to him
how to get to the flat
And i went in
marc wasn't back yet
So I watched a bit
of a programme
Called Fundamentalists
it was on Channel Four
And the bloke
who presented it
Interviewed Hindu
fundamentalists... and
Christian fundamentalists
i didn't see
All of it, though
i only watched about
Half an hour
there was a bit
Where he interviewed
this American guy
Who worked in a factory
where they made Bibles
Which were
in numerous languages
And there was
an American Bible
Which had
a picture of an eagle
And some stars
on the cover
I felt
somewhat baffled
By the display
of gung-ho patriotism.
Then I had a bath
and Marc rang
He said
that he would be
Home in a few minutes
and when we came back
We had chips
for dinner
Well, I s'pose it
was supper.
I asked Marc
about the match
He said that
his team won
And that
there was
This nerdy bloke
who was there
With two women
and they knew more
About the game
than he did.
I told him
about Hercules
And i said
that Elton John's
Middle name
is Hercules
But that
he used to be called
Reginald Dwight
before he changed
His name
and Marc said
He thought that
dwight sounded like
A Jewish name
then he talked about
Dwight Yorke
but he said that
He couldn't think of
any black/ Jewish people
And i said that
sammy Davis, Junior
Was Jewish
because he converted
And he asked
about when
Trevor McDonald
read the poems
He said: Did
trevor McDonald say:
These are the poems. Bong!
like when he read
The News At Ten
but i said
That he didn't.
He asked about
richard Briers
When he said
that he mentioned
Terry-Thomas
marc asked
If he was name-dropping.
I said
that it wasn't like that
But that he said
that Terry-Thomas
Was his cousin
and that he supported
And helped him
before he was famous
Well, he didn't
say it like that
He didn't say
famous, anyway
He said when he was
a struggling/ young actor
I told Marc
about this bloke
I saw
in the marquee
He was old
in his 60s, i think
His beard was long
and grey
And fluffy
it was an
Impressive beard.
That is the end of the poem.
Transfer- 31st of October, 2006.
My mind is somewhere
it is somewhere else
Like i found another time
and i'm on another planet.
Another vision, another ghost
because i never remembered
I thought i didn't
i thought i couldn't.
Lost and forgotten
hidden from time
And i can hear an echo
but it is just a label.
Never- 6th of January, 2007.
i wish i could feel
but everything
Is colliding
just like i thought.
Time is an enemy
lost in nothingness
Nothing
turning into fear.
It is gone
everything is gone
A shadow of
what once was.
Minds- 21/1/2007.
Little chick
looking for his mother
Poor little chick
miles away from home.
A few steps seem
like miles
A few minutes seem
like hours.
He is a brave creature
his feet carry him
Leading him
to safety.
i hope
that he will find her
i don't know if he did
but i hope it in my heart.
Found- 21/1/2007.
If i could feel
a distance
From the world
if it could be enough.
It isn't what
i wish for
It is what
it has to be.
Like an armour
shell-like and hidden
Too far way
or not far enough.
Safety is fragile
comfort is fleeting
i wish everyone
didn't scare me so much.
Disappear- 26/1/2007.
Too scared
too lost
i thought it would go
maybe it never will.
i wish i could hide
but it hurts too much
It hurts inside
and it always did.
It always did
and now it hurts more
But i always knew
i knew it would.
It isn't despair
just shame and fear
It's like i can't breathe
too slow; too long.
Remote- 29/1/2007.
Falling
falling into nothingness
Back and forth
it will return.
i can't exist
invisible
Can't be contained
anywhere, everywhere.
My senses are numb
can't find the right words
No-one can hurt you
if you don't feel anything.
Half- 31/1/2007.
i always hoped
that one day
i would be
normal.
i still wish it
but it can't happen
A dream of hope
it turned into sadness.
i wish i could
belong to this world
But i can't
and i never will.
It feels like
i live on
Another planet
and i hate it.
Torn into
into pieces
i feel like i'm
split in half.
Into The Wilderness- 17/10/ 1998.
i want to die; im just so tired
of society's double standards
Cursed perhaps, or just depressed, and
only deserving shame, sorrow.
Yes, i am loved; but i think that
it's not deserved, and i hate
Myself- a shell, perhaps, this refuge of mine
is a place for me to hide and escape.
A sense of confusion, a sense
of loss; enters my mind, haunts my heart
These walls of shame are built by me
this world is full of emptiness.
No passion or truth will ease my
pain, so i try to conform
Nothing, it seems, is ever enough, and i
don't know if i will ever be at peace.
Screams of The Mind And Spirit- 27/ 1 / 1998.
Boredom runs through my veins
the loss of knowledge is rife
i have seen stretching pains
pain is a large part of life.
This world is full of hate
people's faces become stone
Art is what i want to rate
but i feel fragile, alone
Love is what i went to see
and what i tried to find
With shame's burnt, cold spirit
forever in my mind.
No coldness, only fear
of being dirty and strange
Sadness and shame are here
perhaps these things won't change.
Pieces of Distortion- 17th of February, 1998.
Being alive just turns me to stone
it is devoid of profundity; it is fake
The symmetry of others moves me
and yet i am still close to drowning in my hate.
Memories, clinging onto me
are like the grasping remnants of an old illness
i hardly ever did tell then
and i am not attempting to recall it now.
Perhaps it was not caused by me
however, i feel as though it is all my fault
Maybe those times have gone away
yet i think i'll remain, consumed by fear and shame.
No i'm not false, my thoughts are real
they stain my soul and burn the edges of my skin
Disbelieved, but i know what i
remember- or at least pieces of memories.
The Confusion of Despair- 21st of February, 1998.
There is a hole in my mind
where happiness might have been
Peace can be so hard to find
when you've seen what i've seen,
Pieces of my thoughts will move
away from where i was hurt
Delight, i don't deserve it
for i am filled with dirt.
It isn't that i don't care
about other people, but
Communication is a struggle- breathing's bad enough.
The Leaves Whisper- 16th of April, 1998.
There is no hope in having heroes
or attaching labels to time
Reality leaves sadness in me
and so do unacknowledged wars.
Though we live in an age of reason
this world has not really progressed
Beyond the trappings of hate and fights
meaning remains forever lost.
There is no time to justify
reasons how, or reasons why
But there is always time for us to
fall into the soft arms of death.
Maybe i'm embittered by a kind
of alienation, empty
Is my soul- somehow i feel a void
silence, confusion; i don't know what.
The Scream of Denial- 16th of April, 1998.
It is somewhat trying to be shy
when others are full of loudness
The world is full of jumping extremes
even clouds are not vast enough.
What i once had may indeed be lost
because uncertainty is rife
People are like chameleons
it is futile to trust anyone.
i hope that i can guard myself
against bigots and hypocrites
Who seize the chance to interrupt
and launch themselves on a power trip.
To Be Insulted- 16th of April, 1998.
Another day, negated
yet another passes, my hopes are denied
But i know how to love, and
that still seems better than crushing confidence.
Betrayal is certainty
disappointing lives are somehow
torn, by an
endless, grey stream of hatred.
Invisible?
Five hundred is nothing to me
the words i speak, the dust i breathe
Oh, she is lost in her spirit
her mind has been ruined by time.
i have almost been regressing
to times which i never held dear
So now i try to be quiet
in order to be left alone.
Within myself i will wander
until i can find a purpose
And i look for a solid cause
instead of a fragile hope.
Fear may never escape from me
my heart, it is frozen and numb
i do not hate groups of people
although it has often been said.
If i live i will self-destruct
or at least that is how it seems
Five hundred is nothing to me
and i am nothing to myself.
Edited by Rayanne Graff Feb 2007
**
*
14th Feb 2007 at 11:39 am
River Phoenix
Sometimes i Feel Judged
This fearful day has caused my eyes to weep
but i continue vainly to search for some hope
This pain is my fault, and i cannot sleep
my thought are confusing, everything is my fault!
i remember, just a few weeks ago
it seemed as though i could
logically arrange things
But there is nothing left for me to know
as i am less than a discardable object
There it is, and my hopes are no longer present
at least it seems so; it appears that way to me
"It is none of my business," she said
and i felt like pushing my hand through a window.
The Sky Is Pale
Possibilities are limited
and there often are people, it seems
Who shake the dull ground of confidence
yes, they will laugh at and destroy dreams.
When one of my fears is conquered
another one tends forth in its place
Greed earns more respect
my despair falls on society.
Again i will search for a purpose
people confuse me; hopes fall and fly
i was never good enough, and so
Perhaps all i deserve is death.
Once It Would Never End, It Seemed- 13th of July, 1998.
Haunted, wounded, i return again
to a world where struggle is silenced
There is no beauty which i can sense
and the taste of shame still follows me.
i would like to be invisible
but because i could not do it then
It is unlikely that it will now
happen, so i will find something else.
i found it in 1993
it is my refuge and my solace
Perhaps i waited for it to find
me; it remains calm, and is constant.
These Dreams Are Fading- 14th of July, 1998.
i am alone and silenced
by outward expectations
And so i must hide away
yet try to keep my thought still.
When i speak, i feel distant
these words will confuse me now
Again i try to escape
from this dead, critical world.
Although life once was in me
now, i feel empty somehow
It is just too much for me.
Waiting For The Inevitable- 14th of July, 1998.
Although i let it hide from me
it will probably return
The fire in me has disappeared
where will i go now for peace?
Once i was filled with energy
confusion is in my mind
Searching for a part of myself
is a struggle in my life.
When the winds know my misery
perhaps then, my tears will cease
Yet there are few alternatives
which could ever give me peace.
The Aimlessness of Trust- 16th of September, 1998.
When the stars combine to sing their song
and rain falls down from the sky
Somehow, my mind will be at peace then
as it once was, years ago.
Oh, nothing beautiful will ever
prosper in this hateful world
Even the trees are starting to die
but people no longer care.
Each day is filled with futility
and my heart rains with sadness
i liked those words; i like them
but i can see them no more.
Tears, confusion, lasting emptiness
they will descend upon us
This world sometimes seems cold, aimless
it can be hard not to care.
i Will Not Look For Compassion- 10th of August, 1998.
i do not hate other people
although i was disbelieved
My dreams are made from confusion
shame is my philosophy.
He speaks, no-one will hear him
and hurt settles on his soul
So take away my self-respect
as i feel like a shadow.
Belonging to the human race
is disappointing for me
But at least i can run away
without the use of movement.
Futility
i am scarred by time
memories still confuse me
And i hate myself
for causing things to happen.
Beauty is fragile
and exists to be destroyed
Sadness lives in my
heart, and i feel awake with fear.
Beyond Nations- 23rd of January, 2000.
The sky falls
and all is lost
Farewell dust
inside the mind.
Tension mounts
as it once did
Full of sad
innocent cows.
Time is gone
away for life
Feeling numb
inside one's heart.
Truthful words
are treacherous
Frightened dreams
instead of love.
Screaming For Futility- 23rd of January, 2000.
Love these walls
and build some holes
Distortion
controlled the mind.
Learn to hide
away from scum
Dreams will fade
caused by terror.
Life, hope, truth
awake with sky
Deadly thoughts
created strength.
Listlessness
apathetic
Days will find
creatures of now.
Constancy- 23rd of February, 1999.
It seems there is no refuge
no escape from this silence
A spirit filled with sadness
all is emptiness, it seems.
Do not comfort me, i don't
deserve it, but i don't care
An everlasting sea of
torn hopes, also bitter dreams.
There is no sunshine where i
am going, nor where i am
Illusions will not reach me
i know deluded people.
There is no struggle for me
against feeling ashamed, it
Is too late, and i just don't
care, i don't care anymore.
Silence Reaches Me- 21st of December, 1999.
The sky will be part of me
it will cover my feet
Here i am, unacknowledged
but i know what i see.
What i long for consumes me
some things are never real
Solitude is all i have
sometimes, that is enough.
The stillness of the waves, will
surround my consciousness
Here, i am unacknowledged
and i know what i hear.
Wilderness, i feel afraid
only shamed, pained silent.
Forgotten Planet- 26th of October,1999.
How compressed i am,
in the context of all things
Knowledge is timeless
but i, i am just a space.
There is a void in
my spirit, and i am crushed
By the nature of this harsh, unaccepting world.
No time to speak, for
unloved and unheard am i
There is no respite
which will take away their hate.
At a loss for words
with a brain that is constant
Hope is not present,
and i am misunderstood.
Secret Confusion- 26th of October, 1999.
My first, my last, my only dream
ignored perhaps; but never
Forgotten. Each day i hope for
peace of mind, this hope is false.
Caress me with silence, and wound
me with words. i am constant but
Empty, and somehow traumatised
this emptiness flows like sand.
Future- 27th of January, 2000.
Solid thoughts
control the mind
They fall, then
land on the ground.
Sometimes there
can be hope, but
There is too
littl eto see.
Streams of loss
clouds of dismay
The air is
looming ahead.
Shadows move
crossing the street
Tenderness
looks upon us.
Destroyed Through Boastfulness
No-one will care, or even hear me
and i am open to attack, like a forsaken cloud
It seems i exist in their shadows
so perhaps they will always be remembered by him.
How bitter the sun is, it is a
curse on the edge of the world; like a grey, boiling plant, it
Encloses fragile beings in
its distant gaze; its rays are bright and futile, all is lost.
The rain pours; there is no shelter
no room for peace of mind; no love to calm the storm,
there is
Nothing, except betrayal, to look
forward to; and the world has torn itself apart.
So, like Nashreem, i will be a thing
of quietness; my heart sits near my feet, it has almost
Been shattered; i am lost in sorrow
now; i am devastated, and my spirit is broken.
Fractured Soul- 23rd of January, 2000.
Love your hate
it makes you smile
Capture words
beyond the void.
Lengthy woods-
inside this cloud
Can never
betray your dreams.
Live to hurt
itself is true
Carry thorns
believe no dust.
Levitate
ignore people
Creating
brutal hatred.
Hidden- 17th of March, 2007.
Maybe i'm
a disappointment
And i'm enclosed
by the shadows.
Comfort in silence
blame and insecurity
Lost in fear
like a fading rose.
Maybe i'm
a disappointment
Maybe everyone
is a disappointment.
Emerge- 15th of March, 2007.
My heart is breaking
and i don't know
Everything
is so confusing.
i always hoped
for normality
To be normal
to be accepted.
Maybe no-one
is normal
But i wish i didn't live
on another planet.
This fearful day has caused my eyes to weep
but i continue vainly to search for some hope
This pain is my fault, and i cannot sleep
my thought are confusing, everything is my fault!
i remember, just a few weeks ago
it seemed as though i could
logically arrange things
But there is nothing left for me to know
as i am less than a discardable object
There it is, and my hopes are no longer present
at least it seems so; it appears that way to me
"It is none of my business," she said
and i felt like pushing my hand through a window.
The Sky Is Pale
Possibilities are limited
and there often are people, it seems
Who shake the dull ground of confidence
yes, they will laugh at and destroy dreams.
When one of my fears is conquered
another one tends forth in its place
Greed earns more respect
my despair falls on society.
Again i will search for a purpose
people confuse me; hopes fall and fly
i was never good enough, and so
Perhaps all i deserve is death.
Once It Would Never End, It Seemed- 13th of July, 1998.
Haunted, wounded, i return again
to a world where struggle is silenced
There is no beauty which i can sense
and the taste of shame still follows me.
i would like to be invisible
but because i could not do it then
It is unlikely that it will now
happen, so i will find something else.
i found it in 1993
it is my refuge and my solace
Perhaps i waited for it to find
me; it remains calm, and is constant.
These Dreams Are Fading- 14th of July, 1998.
i am alone and silenced
by outward expectations
And so i must hide away
yet try to keep my thought still.
When i speak, i feel distant
these words will confuse me now
Again i try to escape
from this dead, critical world.
Although life once was in me
now, i feel empty somehow
It is just too much for me.
Waiting For The Inevitable- 14th of July, 1998.
Although i let it hide from me
it will probably return
The fire in me has disappeared
where will i go now for peace?
Once i was filled with energy
confusion is in my mind
Searching for a part of myself
is a struggle in my life.
When the winds know my misery
perhaps then, my tears will cease
Yet there are few alternatives
which could ever give me peace.
The Aimlessness of Trust- 16th of September, 1998.
When the stars combine to sing their song
and rain falls down from the sky
Somehow, my mind will be at peace then
as it once was, years ago.
Oh, nothing beautiful will ever
prosper in this hateful world
Even the trees are starting to die
but people no longer care.
Each day is filled with futility
and my heart rains with sadness
i liked those words; i like them
but i can see them no more.
Tears, confusion, lasting emptiness
they will descend upon us
This world sometimes seems cold, aimless
it can be hard not to care.
i Will Not Look For Compassion- 10th of August, 1998.
i do not hate other people
although i was disbelieved
My dreams are made from confusion
shame is my philosophy.
He speaks, no-one will hear him
and hurt settles on his soul
So take away my self-respect
as i feel like a shadow.
Belonging to the human race
is disappointing for me
But at least i can run away
without the use of movement.
Futility
i am scarred by time
memories still confuse me
And i hate myself
for causing things to happen.
Beauty is fragile
and exists to be destroyed
Sadness lives in my
heart, and i feel awake with fear.
Beyond Nations- 23rd of January, 2000.
The sky falls
and all is lost
Farewell dust
inside the mind.
Tension mounts
as it once did
Full of sad
innocent cows.
Time is gone
away for life
Feeling numb
inside one's heart.
Truthful words
are treacherous
Frightened dreams
instead of love.
Screaming For Futility- 23rd of January, 2000.
Love these walls
and build some holes
Distortion
controlled the mind.
Learn to hide
away from scum
Dreams will fade
caused by terror.
Life, hope, truth
awake with sky
Deadly thoughts
created strength.
Listlessness
apathetic
Days will find
creatures of now.
Constancy- 23rd of February, 1999.
It seems there is no refuge
no escape from this silence
A spirit filled with sadness
all is emptiness, it seems.
Do not comfort me, i don't
deserve it, but i don't care
An everlasting sea of
torn hopes, also bitter dreams.
There is no sunshine where i
am going, nor where i am
Illusions will not reach me
i know deluded people.
There is no struggle for me
against feeling ashamed, it
Is too late, and i just don't
care, i don't care anymore.
Silence Reaches Me- 21st of December, 1999.
The sky will be part of me
it will cover my feet
Here i am, unacknowledged
but i know what i see.
What i long for consumes me
some things are never real
Solitude is all i have
sometimes, that is enough.
The stillness of the waves, will
surround my consciousness
Here, i am unacknowledged
and i know what i hear.
Wilderness, i feel afraid
only shamed, pained silent.
Forgotten Planet- 26th of October,1999.
How compressed i am,
in the context of all things
Knowledge is timeless
but i, i am just a space.
There is a void in
my spirit, and i am crushed
By the nature of this harsh, unaccepting world.
No time to speak, for
unloved and unheard am i
There is no respite
which will take away their hate.
At a loss for words
with a brain that is constant
Hope is not present,
and i am misunderstood.
Secret Confusion- 26th of October, 1999.
My first, my last, my only dream
ignored perhaps; but never
Forgotten. Each day i hope for
peace of mind, this hope is false.
Caress me with silence, and wound
me with words. i am constant but
Empty, and somehow traumatised
this emptiness flows like sand.
Future- 27th of January, 2000.
Solid thoughts
control the mind
They fall, then
land on the ground.
Sometimes there
can be hope, but
There is too
littl eto see.
Streams of loss
clouds of dismay
The air is
looming ahead.
Shadows move
crossing the street
Tenderness
looks upon us.
Destroyed Through Boastfulness
No-one will care, or even hear me
and i am open to attack, like a forsaken cloud
It seems i exist in their shadows
so perhaps they will always be remembered by him.
How bitter the sun is, it is a
curse on the edge of the world; like a grey, boiling plant, it
Encloses fragile beings in
its distant gaze; its rays are bright and futile, all is lost.
The rain pours; there is no shelter
no room for peace of mind; no love to calm the storm,
there is
Nothing, except betrayal, to look
forward to; and the world has torn itself apart.
So, like Nashreem, i will be a thing
of quietness; my heart sits near my feet, it has almost
Been shattered; i am lost in sorrow
now; i am devastated, and my spirit is broken.
Fractured Soul- 23rd of January, 2000.
Love your hate
it makes you smile
Capture words
beyond the void.
Lengthy woods-
inside this cloud
Can never
betray your dreams.
Live to hurt
itself is true
Carry thorns
believe no dust.
Levitate
ignore people
Creating
brutal hatred.
Hidden- 17th of March, 2007.
Maybe i'm
a disappointment
And i'm enclosed
by the shadows.
Comfort in silence
blame and insecurity
Lost in fear
like a fading rose.
Maybe i'm
a disappointment
Maybe everyone
is a disappointment.
Emerge- 15th of March, 2007.
My heart is breaking
and i don't know
Everything
is so confusing.
i always hoped
for normality
To be normal
to be accepted.
Maybe no-one
is normal
But i wish i didn't live
on another planet.
Edited by Rayanne Graff Mar 2007
**
*
4th Apr 2007 at 9:39 am
River Phoenix
Zone- 31st of March, 2007.
The orange sun
in the evening sky
And with an orange
line around it.
The birds were flying
migrating
Finding their safe way
to another land.
Everything was peaceful
beautiful
Perfect
and still.
Ahead- 4th of April, 2007.
i cling on
to something
i don't know what
but i have to find it.
i wish i didn't
feel so scared
i wish it didn't
hurt inside.
But everyone
is alone
And the world is together
in its aloneness.
The orange sun
in the evening sky
And with an orange
line around it.
The birds were flying
migrating
Finding their safe way
to another land.
Everything was peaceful
beautiful
Perfect
and still.
Ahead- 4th of April, 2007.
i cling on
to something
i don't know what
but i have to find it.
i wish i didn't
feel so scared
i wish it didn't
hurt inside.
But everyone
is alone
And the world is together
in its aloneness.
Edited by Rayanne Graff Apr 2007
**
*
11th Apr 2007 at 11:52 am
River Phoenix
Strangely- 7th of April, 2007.
Everyone has
their challenges
Their difficulties
their fears.
Mine is
-mostly-
That i'm scared of the world.
People scare me
i wish they didn't
i used to hope
that it would change.
It never did
it never happened
It never will
but i wish it would.
i've always felt
like i have a special
Connection with animals
it's as though
They know
that i don't want
To hurt them
and they don't want
To hurt me
i'm lucky to have it, but
i wish i didn't feel so
scared of people.
Everyone has
their challenges
Their difficulties
their fears.
Mine is
-mostly-
That i'm scared of the world.
People scare me
i wish they didn't
i used to hope
that it would change.
It never did
it never happened
It never will
but i wish it would.
i've always felt
like i have a special
Connection with animals
it's as though
They know
that i don't want
To hurt them
and they don't want
To hurt me
i'm lucky to have it, but
i wish i didn't feel so
scared of people.
**
*
28th Apr 2007 at 9:18 am
River Phoenix
Together- 25th of April, 2007.
It's gone
i can't face it
And i don't want to
but i have to.
Scared
empty
Can't find the words
but i knew.
This is why
i felt scared before
No shield, no armour
comforting hate.
More- 27th of April, 2007.
i close my eyse
not in despair
But because
i'm scared of the world.
Feelings in words
on paper, i don't mind
Saying things out loud
it's impossible.
Well, maybe not impossible
but it's difficult
Scary
overwhelming.
It's gone
i can't face it
And i don't want to
but i have to.
Scared
empty
Can't find the words
but i knew.
This is why
i felt scared before
No shield, no armour
comforting hate.
More- 27th of April, 2007.
i close my eyse
not in despair
But because
i'm scared of the world.
Feelings in words
on paper, i don't mind
Saying things out loud
it's impossible.
Well, maybe not impossible
but it's difficult
Scary
overwhelming.
**
*
9th May 2007 at 8:55 am
River Phoenix
Need- 8th of May, 2007.
Screaming inside
full of visions
Numb and empty
wishing for hope.
Lost and desolate
confusion is normal
Hurt, ashamed
to be alive.
To be alive
is to be hurt
Ashamed
and disappointed.
Unexpected- 8th of May, 2007.
Crushed
hurt by the world
Maybe not trapped
but scarred and scared.
Fall into the sun
fall into despair
Held by uncertainty
kissed by insecurity.
The sky is the same
always the same
Comfort in stillness
as the stars dream again.
Melancholy- 8th of May, 2007.
When you look for hope
and you can't find it
It hurts
it aches, it hurts.
Spinning into calmness
whispering in sanity
Cover me protect me.
A flower to be watered
a tree to be loved
We are all
vulnerable creatures.
Place- 8th of May, 2007.
Scared of the world
but i don't want to be
And no-one ever
wants to be scared.
Some things you hope for
wait for, and wish for
Loved by despair
burdened by truth.
Torn by sadness
remembering too much
Alone or hidden
a shape; distorted, moulded.
Apart- 8th of May, 2007.
Empty my soul
cover my eyes
Too much sadness
too much hate.
Maybe it's
what i expected
Waiting for tomorrow
lost and alone.
Too late, too soon
uncertainty
Left me
scarred and fragile.
Alien- 8th of May, 2007.
Invisible
not comprehensible
Divided by time
and hurt by reason.
i don't know
but i always knew
Shadows and visions
torn into pieces,
That's why i'm
not comprehensible
i can't explain
but i wish i could.
Sense- 8th of May, 2007.
Sick, aching
i whisper to everyone
In circles, in spirits
Silence is a weapon.
To cover what i
can't face
Enclosed by walls
ashamed, ashamed.
i've been everywhere
i've been nowhere
i swapped my fears
for nothingness.
Screaming inside
full of visions
Numb and empty
wishing for hope.
Lost and desolate
confusion is normal
Hurt, ashamed
to be alive.
To be alive
is to be hurt
Ashamed
and disappointed.
Unexpected- 8th of May, 2007.
Crushed
hurt by the world
Maybe not trapped
but scarred and scared.
Fall into the sun
fall into despair
Held by uncertainty
kissed by insecurity.
The sky is the same
always the same
Comfort in stillness
as the stars dream again.
Melancholy- 8th of May, 2007.
When you look for hope
and you can't find it
It hurts
it aches, it hurts.
Spinning into calmness
whispering in sanity
Cover me protect me.
A flower to be watered
a tree to be loved
We are all
vulnerable creatures.
Place- 8th of May, 2007.
Scared of the world
but i don't want to be
And no-one ever
wants to be scared.
Some things you hope for
wait for, and wish for
Loved by despair
burdened by truth.
Torn by sadness
remembering too much
Alone or hidden
a shape; distorted, moulded.
Apart- 8th of May, 2007.
Empty my soul
cover my eyes
Too much sadness
too much hate.
Maybe it's
what i expected
Waiting for tomorrow
lost and alone.
Too late, too soon
uncertainty
Left me
scarred and fragile.
Alien- 8th of May, 2007.
Invisible
not comprehensible
Divided by time
and hurt by reason.
i don't know
but i always knew
Shadows and visions
torn into pieces,
That's why i'm
not comprehensible
i can't explain
but i wish i could.
Sense- 8th of May, 2007.
Sick, aching
i whisper to everyone
In circles, in spirits
Silence is a weapon.
To cover what i
can't face
Enclosed by walls
ashamed, ashamed.
i've been everywhere
i've been nowhere
i swapped my fears
for nothingness.
Edited by Rayanne Graff May 2007
**
*
30th Jun 2007 at 9:18 am
River Phoenix
Other- 27th of June, 2007.
It felt like there
were so many questions
Sometimes things seem
bigger than they are.
i tried to answer
but there were
So many answers
too many possibilities.
Maybe i have feelings
but i'm too ambivalent
Feelings confuse everyone
especially me.
Good- 27th of June, 2007.
Too scared
because
It
hurts inside.
Falling apart
breaking
Pieces
fragments.
Passed into infinity
looking for hope and comfort
Scared
ashamed.
It felt like there
were so many questions
Sometimes things seem
bigger than they are.
i tried to answer
but there were
So many answers
too many possibilities.
Maybe i have feelings
but i'm too ambivalent
Feelings confuse everyone
especially me.
Good- 27th of June, 2007.
Too scared
because
It
hurts inside.
Falling apart
breaking
Pieces
fragments.
Passed into infinity
looking for hope and comfort
Scared
ashamed.
**
*
11th Jul 2007 at 8:44 am
River Phoenix
Risk- 10th of July, 2007.
i won't cry
i don't want to cry
But sometimes
i just have to.
Sometimes
you
Just
have to.
And it hurts
so much
It hurts inside
i wish it didn't.
Include- 10th of July, 2007.
Words say so much
they don't say so much
They don't say
enough.
Some people think
they know everything
With their labels
and definitions.
But there are some things
they will never know
They don't deserve
to know.
i won't cry
i don't want to cry
But sometimes
i just have to.
Sometimes
you
Just
have to.
And it hurts
so much
It hurts inside
i wish it didn't.
Include- 10th of July, 2007.
Words say so much
they don't say so much
They don't say
enough.
Some people think
they know everything
With their labels
and definitions.
But there are some things
they will never know
They don't deserve
to know.
**
*
24th Nov 2007 at 9:42 am
River Phoenix
Among: 17th of November, 2007.
Define, label me
make me what you want to be
You think you know
well, maybe i don't care.
An ingredient, a quality
that is all you are to me
A wasted word, i close my eyes
i'm sick of being patronised.
Patronised, conspired against
they're nothing special, it makes no sense
i never asked, don't want to know
i've heard enough, i've heard too much.
A label, an assumption, an identity
only i know what i need
They should try to improve themselves
instead of taking it out on me.
Define, label me
make me what you want to be
You think you know
well, maybe i don't care.
An ingredient, a quality
that is all you are to me
A wasted word, i close my eyes
i'm sick of being patronised.
Patronised, conspired against
they're nothing special, it makes no sense
i never asked, don't want to know
i've heard enough, i've heard too much.
A label, an assumption, an identity
only i know what i need
They should try to improve themselves
instead of taking it out on me.
**
*
8th Aug 2008 at 8:46 am
River Phoenix
Fragile: 4th of July, 2008.
i shouldn't have done
what i did then
But something went
and i kept thinking.
It isn't me
but it is a part of me
Something is lost
incomplete, missing.
Too many feelings
confused, vulnerable
It didn't last
so i have to start again.
i didn't think
it would hurt so much
And i keep feeling
like i can't breathe.
Or at least i feel
shaken
And i feel sometimes
that i might cry again.
i tried to forget
or to almost forget
Then i saw the tissue
and i wish i hadn't seen it again.
i shouldn't have done
what i did then
But something went
and i kept thinking.
It isn't me
but it is a part of me
Something is lost
incomplete, missing.
Too many feelings
confused, vulnerable
It didn't last
so i have to start again.
i didn't think
it would hurt so much
And i keep feeling
like i can't breathe.
Or at least i feel
shaken
And i feel sometimes
that i might cry again.
i tried to forget
or to almost forget
Then i saw the tissue
and i wish i hadn't seen it again.
**
*
8th Aug 2008 at 8:48 am
River Phoenix
Intimidated: 24th of January, 2008.
No identity, hypocrisy
defined by labels
A vessel, a magnet
attached to ghosts.
Needed, expected
but it all turns into nothing
Invaded.
It all turns back
echoing again
He can't hurt me
he can't read my mind.
No identity, hypocrisy
defined by labels
A vessel, a magnet
attached to ghosts.
Needed, expected
but it all turns into nothing
Invaded.
It all turns back
echoing again
He can't hurt me
he can't read my mind.
**
*
15th Nov 2008 at 9:18 am
River Phoenix
Thumb: 14th of November, 2008.
All these feelings
i never had them
Or i never
knew i had them.
i could hurt someone
although i don't want to
But i feel like it
sometimes.
Like a butterfly
flying away
To freedom
and to safety.
i have rage and spirit
just like anyone else
It's coming back.
All these feelings
i never had them
Or i never
knew i had them.
i could hurt someone
although i don't want to
But i feel like it
sometimes.
Like a butterfly
flying away
To freedom
and to safety.
i have rage and spirit
just like anyone else
It's coming back.
**
*
15th Nov 2008 at 9:35 am
River Phoenix
Describe: 7th of November, 2008.
i feel so alone
like an alien
But i don't care
because i expect it.
i've lost everything
and everything hurts
i should feel nothing
instead.
But i cry all the time
or i think i should
Because everything hurts
all the time.
i feel so alone
like an alien
But i don't care
because i expect it.
i've lost everything
and everything hurts
i should feel nothing
instead.
But i cry all the time
or i think i should
Because everything hurts
all the time.
**
*
22nd Nov 2008 at 9:36 am
River Phoenix
Real: 21st of November, 2008.
My heart is breaking
all the time
And i'm crying
inside.
i don't know where
all this rage came
From. i wish i could
hide from the world.
i feel like screaming
but i never could
i'm a wreck
invisible and frozen.
i've always tried
to be invisible
Because i don't want
to hurt anyone.
My heart is breaking
all the time
And i'm crying
inside.
i don't know where
all this rage came
From. i wish i could
hide from the world.
i feel like screaming
but i never could
i'm a wreck
invisible and frozen.
i've always tried
to be invisible
Because i don't want
to hurt anyone.
**
*
22nd Nov 2008 at 9:50 am
River Phoenix
Brave: 21st of November, 2008.
The world is so hard
i'm scared, always
Crying and sighing
for hours and days.
i'm trapped by time
as i feel too much
Haunted by fragments
wounded by touch.
Everything crashes
too much for me
But i can't go back
to what i used to be.
Thoughts walk past
lost like a stone
i feel so ashamed
i feel so alone.
The world is so hard
i'm scared, always
Crying and sighing
for hours and days.
i'm trapped by time
as i feel too much
Haunted by fragments
wounded by touch.
Everything crashes
too much for me
But i can't go back
to what i used to be.
Thoughts walk past
lost like a stone
i feel so ashamed
i feel so alone.
**
*
28th Mar 2009 at 7:07 am
River Phoenix
Subject: 28th of March, 2009.
i don't expect anything
expect anyone
To feel this
to understand.
i'm crying inside
all the time
Sometimes i feel so ashamed
of this.
Being part of this world
not being part of it
Both
at the same time.
There is no explanation
it is what i thought
But it is worse
because i am weak.
i don't expect anything
expect anyone
To feel this
to understand.
i'm crying inside
all the time
Sometimes i feel so ashamed
of this.
Being part of this world
not being part of it
Both
at the same time.
There is no explanation
it is what i thought
But it is worse
because i am weak.
**
*
11th Nov 2009 at 11:19 am
River Phoenix
Infection- 9th of November, 2009.
Disappointment to the world
hiding in the clouds
Forsaken by safety
when everyone is a ghost.
The thunder laughs
so i am alone
Where everything is shame
too much to bear.
When i've tried to be
everything else
Everyone else
there is nothing left to be.
Disappointment to the world
hiding in the clouds
Forsaken by safety
when everyone is a ghost.
The thunder laughs
so i am alone
Where everything is shame
too much to bear.
When i've tried to be
everything else
Everyone else
there is nothing left to be.
**
*
31st Oct 2010 at 10:28 am
River Phoenix
Assume- 29th of October, 2010.
People who know everything
they think they know everything
They can't know me
maybe i don't want them to.
Invaded, patronised
i do have feelings
Even though i'm not supposed to
the world doesn't want me to.
i should block people out
maybe i should block everything out
Almost everything
because it's scarily comforting.
Everything scares me
especially people
i don't want to be scared
i don't want to be hurt.
Edit: Perhaps i shouldn't have written this poem. Never mind posting it. It's just that, even though i'm a rem and a statistic, i don't like it when some people emphasise that
i'm a statistic. Perhaps because i already think that i am one.
People who know everything
they think they know everything
They can't know me
maybe i don't want them to.
Invaded, patronised
i do have feelings
Even though i'm not supposed to
the world doesn't want me to.
i should block people out
maybe i should block everything out
Almost everything
because it's scarily comforting.
Everything scares me
especially people
i don't want to be scared
i don't want to be hurt.
Edit: Perhaps i shouldn't have written this poem. Never mind posting it. It's just that, even though i'm a rem and a statistic, i don't like it when some people emphasise that
i'm a statistic. Perhaps because i already think that i am one.
Edited by Rayanne Graff Nov 2016
**
*
2nd Nov 2010 at 10:47 pm
River Phoenix
Fold- 29th of October, 2010.
i can hear the world
but sometimes can't see
Don't want to look
don't want to be.
Pieces of memories
that don't want to be heard
But can fly away
and be loved by birds.
When everything's quiet
too hurt to be proud
Being invisible
is like a soft cloud.
i can hear the world
but sometimes can't see
Don't want to look
don't want to be.
Pieces of memories
that don't want to be heard
But can fly away
and be loved by birds.
When everything's quiet
too hurt to be proud
Being invisible
is like a soft cloud.
**
*
1st Dec 2011 at 7:06 pm
River Phoenix
Window- 1st of December, 2011.
Paper faces
white paper faces
They look spooky
but i like to look at them.
i think one of the faces
has antlers
Maybe they're meant to be for Christmas.
They look spooky
but i think they're pretty.
Paper faces
white paper faces
They look spooky
but i like to look at them.
i think one of the faces
has antlers
Maybe they're meant to be for Christmas.
They look spooky
but i think they're pretty.
**
*
29th Oct 2015 at 6:08 pm
River Phoenix
Security Guard - 26th of October, 2015.
Maybe he is bored
maybe he is lonely
Maybe he is seeking
Refuge in poetry.
Sometimes, he imitates
the sounds of the
Customers and workers
the rhythms of their voices.
He once told some children
that they should go to the library
Maybe he thought
they could also find refuge.
A brigade of guards
an iamb of poets
Maybe he counts syllables
on his way home from work.
Maybe he is bored
maybe he is lonely
Maybe he is seeking
Refuge in poetry.
Sometimes, he imitates
the sounds of the
Customers and workers
the rhythms of their voices.
He once told some children
that they should go to the library
Maybe he thought
they could also find refuge.
A brigade of guards
an iamb of poets
Maybe he counts syllables
on his way home from work.
**
*
Πανδώρα:
Beefy cheesemas to all, and to all a gravy brie
Rayanne Graff:
Happy Easter.
IGH:
Just who was The Brigadier
ratammer:
squeak
Debs|OWA:
o/
IGH:
Wibble
Vel:
*sigh*
Emma:
Hi VR...
Princess Psycho:
Hi I am back in the UK so how are everyone been keeping. Has Fluffy had that little accident yet?
Claire:
SHOUTBOX OF VRRRRRR
Rayanne Graff:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Lucozade Lover:
Happy New Year!
Crinkle-Cut Beatroot:
Happy new year <3
Claire:
BOXSHOUT
Rayanne Graff:
Happy Easter.
Emma:
So… Posting a new thread is Fission Mailing… so I’m putting this here.
Emma:
I know there aren’t many people looking at this anymore… but I have made the decision to stop paying for the VR hosting and to let the domain lapse.
Emma:
I think it will be going offline around the end of May
Emma:
It’s been almost 10 years since James passed away… and I feel like it’s time.
Emma:
A lot of the regulars can be found on the VR veterans group on Facebook - if you see this and you’re not in there, come join us.
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