Vigilante Maelstrom's Stuff

Oh, by the way, the stupid stuff around Smell You Later should be "s.

Right, here's a nice short story. Not quite a poem, but... I blame Farmer Jack.

The Official Story of the Year 2004

Tree McStockenheimson exploded onto the stage. The cleaners removed her remains. That meant that Sunky Henderquack was to perform earlier than scheduled, as well as earlier than Scheduled. Sunky was extremely nervous – he was the first person in the history of Stinken Elementary Elementary School to play more than one ocarina at the same time.

He rose, with fire in his heart and gravy in his eye, and withdrew his ocarina-and-a-half and played it. The hall fell silent. Sunky then proceeded to the stage and played the ocarina-and-a-half again. And then he woke up. No, no he didn’t. He was certainly there. But why was everyone laughing? He knew that he was a great musician. Maybe they didn’t. Sunky continued, dodging the objects being thrown at him: sprouts; radishes; small students…

And then he woke up. On a hospital bed. Inadequate staff wandered past, several times each. Sunky shouted to them, apart from the yellow one, fourteen times each. When he finally got somebody’s attention – it was the yellow one – he asked what had happened. “Ask him,” was the only advice given, with a finger indicating the current resident of the bed next to Sunky’s. “Or die,” the yellow one, whose name Sunky had observed to read “The Yellow One”, ejaculated. Sunky looked to his right and saw Toonpop Treppers. Sunky then remembered that The Yellow One had pointed to the bed to Sunky’s left. Sunky looked to his left and saw Reveal Longton, a small student. Reveal explained that Sunky was too good a musician for the audience, who only wanted to hear mediocre music. At that moment, Sunky Henderquack realised his goal: To become less musically talented.

There was no time to lose. No time to win, either. Sunky quickly ambled toward a sign saying ‘EXIT,’ then found out that it said ‘EXIT – Opposite direction’. He then quickly ambled in the opposite direction, past a sign saying “Oi! Come back!” The sign kept shouting, but Sunky kept ambling. Sunky was fighting himself not to obey the sign – it was hard not to comply with the demands of such a sign – but it seemed that he wasn’t in control of himself. At times like these, Sunky always says the least appropriate thing he can think of. This is no exception. “Bulldozer!” he shouted, forwards and backwards, and escaped the metaphorical clutches of the quite literal sign.

Sunky jumped to Conclusions, who wasn’t partial to being jumped to, so shook his fist in Rage, who didn’t like having a fist shaken in him, so looked back in Anger, who decided that the situation was too absurd, and hung her head in Shame, who imploded out of Pure Confusion. Pure wasn’t too impressed, but Sunky was already quite far away.

It was Saturday, and Sunky lived on Whatanintriguingnamefora Road on Saturdays, hence Sunky travelled to the aforementioned road and practiced ‘Beethoven’s 5th’ in J major, which sounded absolutely terrible. He was ready.

“Next Monday,” said he, “I shall perform quite badly in front of Stinken Elementary Elementary School - No! I shall perform inside said school!” With fire in his heart and gravy in his eye, he waited until Monday. The absence of Mondays in the five weeks after his declaration did not hinder his dedication.

When a Monday finally appeared on the horizon, Sunky waltzed to the school. After tiring of waltzing, he tangoed. He reached the school with his longer arm and pulled himself to the entrance. And, Oh! how he laughed - pestiferously. I am sorry to bore you, faithful reader, with such detail, but his manner of laughter must be noted. Oh, Sunky’s already performing. Doesn’t time fly?

The crowd jeered. Sorry, I’ll say that again. The crowd cheered. Sorry again, they did jeer. Or peer. Or is it leer? I’ll just skip it out. The crowd. Sunky felt awful. Oh yes, full of awe, he was. Rather happy too, or so I recall. Just then, Sunky’s world went “Black”:
“BLACK!”
It did that sometimes. And all of a sodden handkerchief, Sunky heard a bell. His mind formed a table of possible bells:
That of a bicycle.
That of a town crier.
That of a distant cousin.
That of a dumb.
Sunky thought: “What’s a dumb?” and eliminated the dumb from his list. He reasoned that a distant cousin’s bell would be too distant to be audible. He could not see a bicycle and every visible town crier was free of bells. That confused Sunky. Not a moment sooner, yet several moments later, Sunky’s world went black. It did that sometimes. And then he woke up. On a hospital bed. That confused Sunky. Who later decided that this was all too bizarre to truthfully happen? Sunky, of course. And what’s the best way to end a bizarre story?

BANG!

Novelty Answers in an RE exam about Islam. RE SHOULD NOT BE COMPULSORY!

OK, here we go. By the way, I only put novelty answers for the ones I don't know, I'm not THAT stupid.

Q: What do a mother and father give as a gift when their child is born, and who do they give the gift to?
Correct A: Some money to the poor.
My A: They give Allah a postbox, a small zebra and a psychedelic cereal packet. Thrice!

Q: Why do they do this?
Correct A: Because they're so nice. Or something like that.
My A: Because I didn't know the answer, so I just wrote a novelty answer.

Q: What happens at Khiran?
Correct A: Circumcision
My A: What DOESN'T happen at Khiran?

Q: What is Nikah?
Correct A: Sorry, I forgot this.
My A: Sounds like some kind of spaceship, I dunno. (lie, of course)

Q: Which prophet did something or other?
Correct A: Ibrahim
My A: Muhammed, I guess. (I love writing answers in a casual tone)

Q: Why does a Muslim man give his wife (some word that means money)?
Correct A: I forgot.
My A: Just for the hell of it.

I think that was all. I rock!

ha!

(by the way the nikah was a contract, I guessed and it was right hehe)


but you still beat my score!

A bit of artwork here.

Thanks.

in a few months time you'll read over all of what you have just posted and you'll feel like crawling away into a hole and dieing.

It happens to us all.

Quote: Shadow_Of_A_Doubt_

heuston?

Meh, just a real world reference, ignore't.

http://s48.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=19AOTLDEWNVFW3GF3B98GD9NKF


If the first link has expired, use this.

awww, your link has Expired! I wanted to listen to it.

Edit- I removed the bits of your post that you were apologising for. Any questions, by PM please.

I forgot to say, I'm the singer.
Well, it's not really singing.

Hm... how can I define us... We're a kinda rocky band, with five members (drums, bass, two guitars, singer). I would say that the bassist is a more important part in it than in most bands, but then I'd say the same about the drummer. And both guitarists. It's not central around me, that's for sure.

So far we have perfected Back in Black and Paranoid and I'm trying to write lyrics for three otherwise complete original songs.

Tabby would probably be pleased to hear that I am quite disappointed with the recording of Back in Black I sent to her (I totally f*cked it up, the bassist slipped up and the second guitarist wasn't audible), so we're actually better than that!

Now, time to remove my head from my a*se.

Well, me band's made six garage recordings that we're pleased with.
Strange how the garage recordings are better than anything at that Proper Recording Place With A PA System...
Maybe it's just because we've improved.
Anyway, if anyone's interested, just inform me and I'll email you the files, it won't take long.

Here's some old stuff that you might've missed out on...
http://www.quickdump.com/files/358213550.html
http://www.quickdump.com/files/892798254.html
One of them's my game Jeremy Pacman, the other is my song, Please Have Sexual Intercourse With Me.