15^th May 2024, 11:50 pm

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play coherent, now

He Has Lost Control

Posted In: Poetry + Prose. Reading This Thread:

Will

| 6,984 posts

2^nd Oct 2004 at 2:23 pm

Fantastic stuff, mister.

CrazeeBitch

| 10 posts

2^nd Oct 2004 at 2:40 pm

I don't like me so I don't see why you do!

thats really weird but really cool. feel free to ignore me i say random stuff and think every thing is weird

Every time you smile, I cry.
Every time I wanna think of you,
my mind is stuck in the past

Wibble

| 5,323 posts

6^th Oct 2004 at 2:11 am

scapegoat extraordinaire

I do love your poetry, Robbie. Especially the second and most recent one. Keep writing.

Tinkerbell

| 1,023 posts

10^th Oct 2004 at 5:53 pm

Its Jah Love That Im Waiting On

Very Good

Excuse me while I light my spliff
Good God I gotta take a lift
From reality I just can't drift
That's why I am staying with this riff

Will

| 6,984 posts

11^th Oct 2004 at 1:15 pm

Quote: Mesmerism_Cat_

Come on, people, why is it good? You say these things but you don't explain why you've said them. What is it about these 'poems' (if you want to call them that) that you like?

Why?

sometimes some stuff just appeals to you, its often difficult to put a reason to it.

Wibble

| 5,323 posts

11^th Oct 2004 at 5:32 pm

scapegoat extraordinaire

Quote: Mesmerism_Cat_

Anyone want a part 2 to the melting story?

Yes!

Hmm, as for the why, I'd agree with Will. They do just appeal to me. The melting one, though, seems to have a natural flow to it which mirrors the language used ("melt... dissolve... flowing... floating..."), and it's just different to what I've come across before, I guess. Plus I think it helps that I saw the inspiration for this, although obviously it has some impact either with or without knowledge of the stimulus.

Also, this:
Quote: Mesmerism_Cat_

I'm losing the battle,
I'm lost at sea, alone,
and the echoes of my voice
are haunting me.

just feels more personal, somehow. Like, as a reader we've scratched a little deeper beneath the surface.

So, yesh, that's just my opinion on the why of it all.

Caged Liberty

| 11,209 posts

25^th Oct 2004 at 5:02 pm

Torrential high seas dragged me to my knees

Robbie, there is a French poet called named Prevert that you might enjoy. Some of his work is similar in style to yours. You can get books with the English translation in them.

Freshly Squeezed Cynic

| 6,189 posts

15^th Nov 2004 at 7:47 am

apparently the big pink bastard is me

The question and answer one reminded me of Ulysses, which I love because of it's idiosyncracies.

Filled with existential dread and toast.

Caged Liberty

| 11,209 posts

15^th Nov 2004 at 5:38 pm

Torrential high seas dragged me to my knees

This thread is always an interesting read. You can tell it means so much to you.

aporkalypse

| 4,428 posts

24^th Nov 2004 at 12:33 am

rawr![/comedy finish]

if you think its poop why did you submit it? Surely it cant be all bad? It sounds like some kind of monologue that would be in an apocalypse style film , where the brave little girl/young scientist everyone thinks is a failure through his own mistakes stands up and voices their concerns over everything, against a brick wall with shadows of the new world order encircling their real body!

I did like the plans for the future though, seeing bands and eating toast...sounds magical!

A firm favourite for fake alibis and general practices.

[quote author=Citizen Twiggy link=board=spam;num=1105791842;start=390#391 date=04/18/05 at 19:17:29]He said my lack of height was alright because he was looking for quirks.[/quote]

Caged Liberty

| 11,209 posts

24^th Nov 2004 at 3:36 pm

Torrential high seas dragged me to my knees

I liked that water one actually. Don't drink. Makes me think of some informative film from the olden days or something, with words on the screen and two little men in white coats lecturing in their 'proper' English accents on what to do in the case of an emergency, etc. Don't make them like the used to, stupid coloured leaflets nowadays.

Caged Liberty

| 11,209 posts

26^th Nov 2004 at 6:15 pm

Torrential high seas dragged me to my knees

I really need to write again. Anything, everything.

aporkalypse

| 4,428 posts

2^nd Dec 2004 at 4:41 pm

rawr![/comedy finish]

Quote: He_Has_Lost_Control_

experiement with experiencing

...

me likes! Damn alliterative you!

Caged Liberty

| 11,209 posts

11^th Dec 2004 at 11:13 am

Torrential high seas dragged me to my knees

Oh I love this. Especially

I flicked a light switch and with it
Her grotesque performance begins.

It sets the rest of the scene up well.

Please do finish it.

I am sorry there is not much in the way of constructive criticism flowing from me here but I am exhausted.

Caged Liberty

| 11,209 posts

11^th Dec 2004 at 11:36 am

Torrential high seas dragged me to my knees

I was up all night writing an essay. No problems, but I'll get back to you at some point with more specific criticism than 'I love it' ;p.

bob fletcher

| 1,339 posts

23^rd Dec 2004 at 3:42 pm

woop woop

i like that. i had to change it out of symbols

but its cool its like early english, and having studied that in the past year it relates to a lot of what we have been doing.

you are love to me, an epiphany,
you set me free and let me be
and one day i'll be love back for you
and you can know what it feels like too.

Caged Liberty

| 11,209 posts

16^th Jan 2005 at 3:18 pm

Torrential high seas dragged me to my knees

Aesthetically he made my stomach bile-filled, churning.

or if you want it to be more like the original line

Aesthetically he turned my stomach; a bile-filled churn.

I don't think the word 'like' in your original gives as strong an impact.

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