Notebook Letters 7.

New singles, by John Earls

BEN FOLDS WITH REGINA SPEKTOR You Don't Know Me 8/10

After a disappointing last album, Folds smooths back into top form. Insistent strings and Spektor's elegant croon accompany Folds in lyrically melancholic mood, yet the song is almost school-disco swoonsome.

FRIGHTENED RABBIT i Feel Better 8/10

Superb headlong dramatics as Scott Hutchinson's broad Scottish brogue steers a scurrying of Wedding Present riffs and death or glory pace.

1/6.

New singles out this week

WHITE LIES Death 9/10

First proper single from the trio whose hype is justified with every second. The title is justified: for a band so young, they're in tune with something ancient and poetic. As stately as any song all year.

THE BRIGANTIES Sidestep 6/10

Intriguing debut from Berwick, they have a cool folk tradition at the coore, but need to bring it to the surface instead of the harsh indie anthemics.

2/6.

New singles out this week

YO MAJESTY Club Action 8/10

A lesbian hip hop sounds the niche of cool kids' appeal. Forget it. The rapidfire delivery is met by minimal, horns a-plenty futuristic beats more inventive and exciting than anything Timbaland's done lately.

MICAH P HINSON We Don't Have To Be Lonesome 6/10

The voice is rich as ever and the baroque swing is great, but the Hammond organ lets it down with a parody of The Band's lonesome epics.

3/6.

New singles out this week

GOO GOO DOLLS Real 3/10

More desperately dull anthemics from a band incapable of making anything other than vacuous self-help songs. Like One Republic's spiritual parents, devoid of any emotion.

THE AIRBORNE TOXIC EVENT Does This Mean You're Moving On? 8/10

Almost too cool to be true, the LA band are saved from posing cool by the riffs and handclaps and the s*xy snarl in Mikel Jollett's sardonic delivery.

4/6.

New singles out this week

THE DAWN CHORUS She's Like An Angel 9/10

From this year's underrated album, we can't recommend highly enough trying these passionate country-rockers. This is a warm, communal campfire worthy of Neil Young.

ME MY HEAD Damage Is Done 7/10

From the ashes of contenders The Moths, the Londoners fit Ikara Colt scratchy garage, Future of The Left rants and even a Low Life-era New Order bass into a frenetic debut.

5/6.

New singles out this week

NAT JOHNSON Dirty Rotten Soul 8/10

Ex-Monkey Swallows The Universe singer Nat Johnson launches her solo career with a rattling, traditional Nashville nuke-joint hoedown. Once heard, the chorus won't be forgotten.

JANE LEDSOM Here Come The Hatters 9/10

Rounding off an unusually fine week of singles is the best football song ever made. OK, as a Luton fan I'm biased, but it is a Kaisers-via-Jem foot stomping anthem.

6/6.

Teletext page 823; 22nd of September, 2008.

Sweet Lordy Lord Lord, I'm tired. Anyone for underwater croquet?

Would prefer an underwater cat nap myself.

The Owl of Bewilderment Some daft person once described Dido's music as 'easy'- which is silly as her music is anything but easy to listen to.

It's easy compared tp my science exam.

The Tartan Thistle Carrots taste like a blue Slush Puppy.

Actually, blue slush puppy based their taste on carrots.

Zine; 31st of August, 2004; 1/8.

The Final Countdown

Following Topper's (slightly disturbing) letter about the counting to 10 game, I remember a game some people in my year used to play on their calculators.

They'd set it up so it'd be 1+1, then rapidly press the equals button, so it starts counting. The first to 100 would win. Josh always won. His record was always about 6 seconds.

Arrant Nerd Boxes Yodeller

My friend used to tap "55378008" into theirs and turn 'em upside down.

Zine; 31st of August, 2004; 2/8.

Happy Meals I Own (Still)

* Clifford The Big Red Dog

* Miss Piggy

* The Swedish Chef

* Mr Christmas

* Dougal

I opt for the hamburger meal with milk.

New New Model

I have a little Miss Naughty doll who sounds like she's being strangled.

Zine; 31st of August, 2004; 3/8.

My Mum

My mother thinks the answer to life's questions is a new oven, but I know different.

And when I can afford to, I will buy her one and she will understand that life's pain is not stilled by being able to over-boil the sprouts even faster.

Destructive Gerbil

Indeed. We all know the answer to the big question is 42...

Zine; 31st of August, 2004; 4/8.

If They Ever Met...

* Missy Elliott: Wassup, my man?

* Steve Penk: Hi! Welcome to meeting Steve Penk!

* Missy Elliott: You is whack, Holmes.

* Steve Penk: Yes! 100 points.

* Missy Elliott: I'm gone, man. Broken leg.

Topper

Steve Penk's rigid hair should have a show of its own.

Zine; 31st of August, 2004; 5/8.

A Few Things That I Need To Point Out

* I will NOT be sharing Adam

* Busted are rude and need some discipline

* Maroon 5 are better than The Rasmus

* Lemon Fanta is disgusting

* Gay Giraffes are cute

* I am NOT a li'l' angel

Emma-the-li'l'-Angel

There is only one thing on that list I disagree with: Lemon Fanta- A1.

Zine; 31st of August, 2004; 6/8.

Me? You?

You think you're different to me. But really you are me. You're a figment of my imagination. Or am I really you?

I thought I knew what I was talking about, but now I'm not so sure...

You've confused me now. Easily done.

The Girl At Her Own World

I am NOT you. I am WLW of Teletext Towers, UK, the world.

Zine; 31st of August, 2004; 7/8.

A Small Sandwich, Please

Yes. That's right. I went on a field trip to Yorkshire and not only was the guide crazy, but he ate sandwiches that contained Spam, Lettuce, Jam, Cucumber (hee, I like the sound' cumber'), Sauerkraut and Beef Jerky.

What's that? Food Poisining? Never.

Apocalypse Maybe

Sounds like an absolute jumble sale of a sarnie. Tasty though.

Zine; 31st of August, 2004; 8/8.

Arrant Nerd Boxes Yodeller Isn't it annoying when you're filling out your date of birth on a form, and instead of putting the correct year, you write 2004 instead?

Yes, I did that at my new doc's. They said, "So you're 1-day-old?

Lord Charles A day without sunshine is like... night.

Or a day without cloud.

The Owl of Bewilderment Another day arrives and another chance to slate some celebrities. Any ideas?

Posh, Britney, Wayne Rooney, Becks, Paris H.

Zine; 2nd of September, 2004; 1/8.

Fun When You Know How

It's fun to play
The guitar when you know,
your way around,
Those frets of terror,
For the unschooled novice,
Strumming and picking,
Your way through the song.

Luco El Loco

What a poetic insight. Almost like Natasha Beders' These Words.

Zine; 2nd of September, 2004; 2/8.

Sometimes I Still Wish I Was At School

If I was still at school I'd probably be doing my "new year" shopping about now. Oh, how much fun it was to look for a new bag, new shoes, new winter coat, new trainers, new pencil case, new stickers to decorate my homework diary... new, new, new!

Of course now I buy new stuff whenever I please. I guess it was just more special when I had to wait for it.

miss snaz

Smelling the crisp autumn air knowing only cold dark days loom.

Zine; 2nd of September, 2004; 3/8.

McFly

There has been a lot of McFly bashing, but you have to give them credit- they do come up with original songs. Their first single was about... a girl. Their second so-called hit was about a girl. Now I hear they have released a new one- about a girl.

Maybe they should try to stretch their music talent. In fact, the sooner that pudgy-faced lead singer decides to live somewhere like New Zealand the better.

Flying Turnip

When you think about it, most songs are about girls, or, hold on, boys.

Zine; 2nd of September, 2004; 4/8.

I Killed The Zutons

You know there's got to be something wrong with the world when The Zutons get nominated for the Mercury Prize. They could have nominated Simple Kid or our very own Hope of The States, but no.

WLW, this is your chance to make up for not printing my anti-Jet message and you wouldn't want to embarrass yourself by appearing to be a Jet/ Zutons fan, would you?

Ed the Demented Squirrel

I will never be a Zutons or Jet fan. It's the Cheeky Girls all the way.

Zine; 2nd of September, 2004; 6/8.

Ho Ho Hum

During my time residing at Pyjama Palace, I came upon a startling discovery-- my next door neighbour is none other than... Mr Santa Claus!

There is much evidence for this:

* He has a beard.
* He hammers in his shed all year.
* I've never seen him on Christmas Eve.

Coincidence? Pah, I laugh in the face of coincidences.

Pyjama Princess

Have you checked the line for red suits and the bushes for elves?

Zine; 2nd of September, 2004; 7/8.

To Whom It May Concern

A certain someone wrote in declaring they actually want me to share Adam. Sorry, love, I can't remember y6our name.

Anyhow, that suggestion was a definite no. Adam belongs with me forever and always.

I'm always here to hug, kiss and cuddle him. With me, he will be lived.

Emma-the-li'l'-Angel

Li'l' Angel, do not smother Adam. Too much love may kill him.

Zine; 2nd of September, 2004; 8/8.

Toenail Clippings I fear for my accent after watching the Baldwins on Coronation Street- did the actors go to the D*ck Van Dyke school of cockney?

No, just Corrie-cockney classes.

The Hazardous Slug I got an anonymous e-mail from The Grim Reaper yesterday.

No, it wasn't him.

The Man With No Name Hey, you know I used to be called Stilton Cheese. But no more!

So named after the stench of your sweaty trainers?

Zine; 1st of September, 2004; 1/8.

Dot And My Nanna

If Dot Branning dies in Eastenders- well, that's my life over.

She's so cool, she reminds me of my nanna. Except my nanna is more supercool.

Do you have a nanna, WLW? Giraffes don't have nannas, do they?

lilac leopard

Au contraire, lilac leopard. Blue rinse warrior is still going strong.

Zine; 1st of September, 2004; 2/8.

What's That Growing In The Garden?

My dad was looking rather glum, so I said: "What's the matter?" (or in my preferred Geordie speak: "What's the Marra?"

To this he replied: "Long green thing that grows in the garden."

Oh, why do I bother? And he wonders why I want to go to university.

Junior Minister

So it was the marrow in the garden that upset him? I'm confused.

Zine; 1st of September, 2004; 3/8.

Linda Barker- Watch Out!

I have decided thst thr best career choice for me would be to host my own DIY show. I have seen a distinct lack of these- well, there's 60-Minute Makeover and Changing Rooms- but I plan to do real DIY such as sanding the carpet.

But thinking this through, I am terrified of drills and basically most things that go "bzzz". Maybe I should just join the army instead.

Groovi Carrot

And now of course Changing Rooms is no more. Go for the army, Groovi.

Zine; 1st of September, 2004; 4/8.

The Scientist

I have been spending a lot of time in the lab recently, which may explain my inexplicable absence.

Due to my tireless experimentations, I have discovered, among other things, that it is not entirely impossible to untie shoelaces with one's toes, while the shoelaces in question belong to shoes which cover one's feet at that moment in time. So now you know.

The Lightning Lady

That information will kick-start many a deep and penetrating debate.

Zine; 1st of September, 2004; 5/8.

It's My Birthday And I'll Cry If I Want To

I'm turning 16- 16! I think I having a mid-life crisis. I don't want to turn 16. I want to stay 15 forever and ever and ever and ever and ever.

OK- I'm staying 15. Take that, mathematicians! I wish to stay 15, so I shall stay 15. Ha!

Take that too, biological clock.

Citizen Twiggy

Anyone who stays 15 thus ignoring their biological clock turns into a seal.

Zine; 1st of September, 2004; 6/8.

Er, Paula Kerr: Wonderwall isn't on Definitely Maybe. It's on What's The Story. I don't think Oasis will ever surpass the four gems that make up the Whatever EP. I stopped buying and listening after the pain that was Be Here Now.

And Elmo: who says 38 is too old for Radio Two? Have you ever listened to it? I prefer Miss Laycock over any of those Radio One 'DJs'. Weirso

The Void; Teletext page 827; 27th of September, 2008; 1/7.

Conversations

Why do cat people honestly believe that their cat understands English? My family are so frustrating in this arena. They have conversations with Crackers, consisting of "Oh, ye-e-e-e-es, I kno-o-ow," while he dumbly looks on in the vague hope of getting some food.

"He understands, of course"- "meow?"- "See?", they don't speak or understand English- drop this foolish charade!

Matthias Mortimer Zulu

My little moggy, Mavis, has taught me stuff: Whiskas, Felix, Sheba.

Zine; 1st of September, 2004; 8/8.

Ouch

I was hit on the bus with a hockey ball today. A hockey ball travelling towards a goal at a vast speed. I stopped it going in, though. Unfortunately, I now have an imprint of a ball on my knee and gave away a short corner as a result. Walking is painful. Oh well, at least I have work to look forward to next week. I wonder what new disasters I'll preside over art the Ministry of Incompetence.

Junior Minister

Poor thing. You must feel cap.

Zine; 13th of February, 2008; 1/6.