An Interview With The Silent Majority.

James said we can make a big interview for the Discussion About Megazine thread. It would be really cool and interesting, I hope. We could ask lots of questions about Megazine and all his letters and bestest Megaziners, and also lots of other questions and word associations too.

I hope it is a cool idea!

Please does anyone want to make any questions at-all? - Please can you send them to the Megazine Letters account again. It would be really helpful!

Please does anyone else want to make any questions at-all? It would be really cool and helpful!

*An Interview With The Silent Majority.*
Questions by David-James and Strawberry, and also lots of old questions too.

How come you really like Megazine?
It was an oasis of calm from when I got home from a school I hated, it would lift the spirit to settle down with a bag of salt and vinegar McCoys and a can of coke left over from my £3.00 a day lunch money and just smile at these silly little things strangers had to say on page 342. I’d have the house to myself and just relax. We didn’t get the internet until 2006 and magazines were too expensive, so when a kids show came on that insulted the viewer’s intelligence more than they usually did, I had something to read. I like it now because of how it’s brought people together. To consider that there’s two people out there who wouldn’t have been born without a Teletext page, or never found their true love just shows how life’ll sort you out in the oddest way.

Who are your bestest Mega-ziners ever?
Topper, Paddy Irishman, The Brigadier, the Lightening Lady, Amused to Death, Lady Lestat, Luco El Loco are the original ones for the era I started reading in. To my mind, Colin and Barry did ‘Zine a world of good as it rattled towards it’s demise.

Which Mega-ziners do you think are really bad and annoying?
I try to take everyone with a pinch of salt, so no one really. Hopefully seeing their letters on screen made them a bit happier than they would have been without it.

Where did the name Smerker come from?
When I used to play at being a thug as a teenager with even stupider friends than I have now, that was what I used to write on walls. Graf. At that time, to "merk" meant to beat or really hurt someone in Croydon slang. The s was to soften that, as in "smirk", not-really-it’s-only-a joke kind of way.

Where did the name The Silent Majority come from?
I was vocal and on my jacks, innit.

Which Mega-ziners have influenced all your letters?
Pretty much the same ones as I said up as my favourites. I sent very, very few letters!

Where does the inspiration for your letters come from?
That part of the brain that doesn’t wake up enough.

What types of letters do you think are really neat and cool?
The original, genuinely funny ones.

Creative and ignored or boring and famous?
Creative and ignored, on the condition that after I die, all my great work gets collected up and people realise just how good I was. Like Jeff Buckley or that guy from Hitchhikers Guide who got ruined by the tip-ex company.

If you'd never found 'Zine, what would you be like now?
Different, but much of that’s more down to this website rather than 'Zine per se. Having a base of reasonable, funny people posting their thoughts and reacting to mine really helped me grow up, I think.
Seeing people going through sh*t and dealing with it’s given me a rare perspective and made me more intelligent.

Please do you think it is true you are the 46th bestest Megaziner, ever?
Absolutely, unconditionally not.

Are you really proud you are 5th hottest Vegetable Revolutionary? Do you think it is true?
Haha, that was a really nice little ego boost. True? I've no idea, I don’t think so. I wish I was better at judging other guys’ good looks. I was in a club (the Black Sheep, that DJ's avoiding now) not too long ago, talking to a geezer and thinking "sh*t, this fella’s well good looking I’ll introduce him to my mate". And then she was all "What are you thinking, he looks like an anorexic dyke".
If I’ve ever gotten anywhere it’s way more down to personality and a little whack of gypsy charm than thinking I’m dishy.

Fudge or jelly babies?
They’ve both got an equal chance of getting stuck in your teeth, but jelly babies won’t make you as fat and you can pretend you’re a giant when you chew their heads. The latter.

Cake or death?
Cake, Don Diablo.

Who are your bestest comedians?
Billy Connolly, Richard Pryor, Bill Hicks, Lenny Bruce, Woody Allen, Ross Noble, Peter Cook to name the ones that jump to my head.

Do you likethe Comedian in "Watchmen"?
Nah. But I very much enjoyed the film.

What's your favourite chocolate bar?
Lion bar, man!

Which is your bestest Simpsons character?
I really like Milhouse. He’s just someone who keeps hoping and has never really had his character destroyed for the sake of terrible gags in the same way more obvious people have. And I am Homer.

What is your bestest Simpsons episode?
Homer vs. Patty and Selma. The scripting was never ever as sharp as that again.

Buffy or Willow?
Oh, Willow. All a redhead has to do is look at me and I’m hers.

What are your bestest books and movies and bands?
The book I’ve re-read the most is "Johnny and the Bomb" by Terry Pratchett. Film I’ve watched the most is "Wayne’s World". Band’s a toss up between the Pogues and the Clash. At the moment, the Pogues because I was listening to "If I Should Fall From Grace With God" on the bus home from work.

What was the last book you didn't bother finishing?
I really struggled with the language in A Clockwork Orange, I put it aside for a while, but then I got to the end really having enjoyed it.

What song gets you dancing?
Whatever a club plays past two o clock in the morning. At two, I go to the bar, order two double JDs and decide I’m the son of soft shoed James Brown. Oh, "Jump Around" by House of Pain. That'll get me Jumping Around even if I'm not paralytic.

What song makes you cry?
Martha by Tom Waits and Dark End of the Street by Percy Sledge, because of memories connected to a girl.

Howcome you faked your own death?
Callousness and arseholery.

If you were God, what seven changes would you make to everything?
I’d be scared to change anything, really. I think I’d just make sure my family was okay and keep this whole God business to myself.
“Oh God!”
“What, mate? Oh, sh*t...you caught me.”

How many times do you look in the mirror every day?
About five. Just a quick bogie check, make sure there’s no unicorn horns yet.

Which historical figures do you most identify with?
I hope I have some of the strength of someone like James Connolly.

Would you rather have no hair on your head or no eyebrows?
No hair on my head. It’s less freakish and I’m halfway to the other option already.

Have you ever been attacked by an animal?
When I was four a red setter tried to play with me down the park. It scratched me up a little and made me cry. This is why I wrestle wolves for money in an Alaskan strip joint.

Why should you use all your superpowers for evil?
BWAHAHHAHAH

What superpowers do you really want?
Mind reading. How much would that rock?

Do you have any nicknames?
My friends'll sometimes call me Duke.

If you were a sandwich filling, would what you be?
Chicken and stuffing. That’s exactly as much information as you’re getting there.

If you were to appear on Jerry Springer, wah would your episode be called?
Why Eloping With Zombie Lennon Ruined My Life - The DNA Results

If aliens asked you to live on their planet for five years, would you go?
Yeah, too big a chance to miss really. I haven’t got much else on.

Do you eat apple pips? Are you scared apple trees will grow in your tummy?
I don’t, but mostly because they taste like ash. An apple tree in my gut would make a great conversation starter. I'd claim I were part MDF.

Would you watch a public execution on TV?
It’s the sort of thing to be discouraged isn’t it?

Who are all your secret shy crushes?
The first rule of a secret...

Name something really popular that you hate.
Life’s too short for hate, I reckon.

Name something really hated that you like.
Miley Cyrus. That’s right. Be less of a seventeen year old. No prison for the likes of me.

Describe 'Zine in five words, one of which is 'ketchup', at least three of which are not.
Hahahaha. If Zine were a Ketchup: fun.

What's your favourite leaf?
The one that sorts out stinging nettles. My Dad used to live down in Leysdown and when he took me out on a walk I’d forever hurt my shins on the b*st*rd pricklys.

What's your favourite word for 'thank you' from any language?
Thank you’s lovely to hear no matter what.

*Word Association. (Please can you think of a word to describe everyone).
- ANBY...phd.
- Apologetic Breadstick...quit.
- Davord...cat.
- DeLorean that got struck by lightning...parkinsons.
- Elden Ray...cool.
- emma-the-'lil-angel...wing.
- Farmer Jack...gym.
- Freshly Squeezed Cynic...alan.
- Griffplar of Doom...Griff.
- Insane Jam Sow...wosmajenasni.
- Juinor Minister...Ace.
- Little Blue Fox...Dude.
- Lilac Leopard...Claire.
- Menome...Sea.
- Mondo Ray...Bizarro.
- One Winged Angel...wife.
- Paddy Irishman...pun.
- Smashed Strawberry, Hector's House...memory.
- Spiky Stuy...who-y?
- Topper...UltimateZiner.
- Vigilante Maelstrom...Paper.
- WLW...Get a job, Cornflower John.

i also enjoyed it and am glad i remembered to make questions.

Hey, it's not my fault you have a rubbish memory.