It finally happened...

I broke.

I have been really really not well recently with depression but I thought I could do it, I thought that cos I had a decent bloke and decent friends I could beat this. So I hid it from the world and didn't get the help I should have. This meant I got worse and worse and the only person that saw it was my boyfriend. Poor Cameron, he tried his best he really did.

However with recent events- uncle dying, SERIOUS work pressure, not getting this job I wanted, fall outs, losing my flat and having to live with mum who has problems, and the winter setting in, it all just got too much.

Cameron unfortunately was the last straw- it all got too much for him, and he finished with me on Saturday morning. Because of problems at home I had pretty much been living with him, so I also lost the place I felt most at home. He has a son as well who I care about like he was my own.

Losing him though, is ultimately worse. I have never felt so safe and happy with someone. Yeah, ok, I have spent about the last month and a half crying alot, but it wasn't because of him. I love him, I really do. He is the most kind, decent and thoughtful person I have ever met. I don't know how to go on without him.

So I had a breakdown, like proper no eating for days, crying, no sleep, and I finally did what I should have done YEARS ago, I gave in to help. I phoned the Dr, stood my ground and got seen on Monday morning.

I gave in to being medicated. Totally against my principles, but I honestly can say I don't know what other option I have now. For years I have battled with this and managed it on my own, but at the cost of good things in my life.

Well no more, this is the last time I am EVER letting my depression beat me. I don't see why I should lose out because of medical conditions. The only reason I have never taken any medication is because of my family drumming it into me that it was weak. Well I finally stood up to them and told them their opinions don't matter now- this is MY body and I am going to do what I need to keep myself well.

I also told work about what was going on, my team leader and one of the team managers sat down woth me and I explained. The reason being that my stress levels have left me with many physical symptoms recently and I have been off work a fair bit. T his was going to lead to disciplinary. I told them that the constant threat of my job was not making me any better. They were REALLY good about it. They are gonna check in on me every week or so for the next swee while to see how I am coping. That's taken a load off.

As for Cameron and I... well who knows. He says he can never see it happening. I dunno, I think maybe once I get myself back on track he may remember the person he fell for at the start. If not, well, I will be heartbroken for a long time.

Either way, I need to get myself better if I have any hope of becoming a teacher, and if I have any hope of having a decent life.

It's scary as hell though.

Yup good luck, you've done the proper thing by going to see a doctor and telling work

Good luck on the pills (incidentally, which are you on?) and I'm sorry that it had to go this road. However, if they are the right ones (and it may take a while to sort them), then they will help.

At least work is one less stress for you- and when you feel well enough to cope, you can move out of home, and your life will start to pull back together. So, take baby steps. Slowly but surely, you can get there.

I'm sorry that you broke up with Cameron- he seemed really good for you. Maybe you will get back together once you're back to your usual self. But if you don't, then there are lots more (wo)men who'll love you.

Citalopram?

You think going on them's bad, try going off them. Those are junkie symptoms! Something to look forward to, eh- along with reclaiming Cameron?

Sounds like a Sarah Jessica Parker film

Quote: Lemony_Zester

Citalopram?

You think going on them's bad, try going off them. Those are junkie symptoms!

when I stopped taking them all that happened was the depressive symptoms came back. I know it's silly to just stop taking pills without talking to your doctor, but I prefer being a little bit depressed to having the head-jerking tic that the pills gave me.

I was on that once. Stopped my b*ll*cks from doing their intended job so i came off it within a month. I was in a relationship at the tme and I'm shallow like that.

Good luck on everything and good luck with your testicles Dan. Respect them and they will respect you.

I don't believe you

Now I am kinda scared- no one I have spoken to IRL who has been on these before said coming off them is bad.

I'm really nauseous on these, get headaches, poo alot and sleep kinda weirdly, but the Dr said this should go away soon. Hope so.

Can't drink worth a f*ck now either- 4 pints of shandy, yes shandy, and I am hammered.

Cheap night though

My friends have been great, work have been great, my dad has been great, my mums been pretty good and my gran... well she'll come round.

As for Cameron, well, I dunno. We are friends for now. I don't know if I would want him back anyway. I want someone to love me for who I am, and ok I haven't been myself at all lately, but if we got back together, and I got bad again, would he leg it? I don't know if there is a chance or not.

We'll see.

Yeah, well I doubt he will

Yes he has a son. Yes he has a mortgage on a house he was dumped with. Yes he has a band and a family to see as well. Yes I know he is skint. Yes, he is a closed book, hates confrontation and is grumpy as sh*t.

He's not perfect, yet it seems like I'm expected to be

I can still drink you under the table in spirits.

I can drink you all under the table in my own phlegm.

i once saw a gay guy drinking his boyfriend under the table

Thank goodness, I went out last night and had 2 large brandys and a pint and i felt fine.

Al good

I keep getting all this bunged up gunky stuff in my throat when I sleep though, it's chewy, which is unpleasant.

Glad to hear things are on the up

Quote: lmc

Peaches? Is she bald?

Her hair is peach.

Although she is absolutely mental, so I wouldn't be surprised to find her with no hair sometime, or maybe a tiny mohawk and tattoos.

depression sucks...try to go for walks and stuff like that (working out) and brainwash yourself you are happy..if all else fails go on some meds. best of luck

When I'm depressed, I ask a gamer.

Hold up, you're actually really properly engaged?

Pardon me for saying the above, because I'd assumed that the whole asking him thing was you joking. If not though, wahey.

Quote: History For Sale, Sept 2009

I just wanted to update anyone here who actually care anymore

Never got into teacher trianing incase you didn't realise.

Still at the callcentre but it's ok. Gave an idea to head office which they liked so its not all bad.

I'm a bit fed up of some of the people giving me gyp since I started cleaning though- Yeah, I might get a bit nippy with people sometimes but that is only due to the lack of respect. Ok it's cleaning but it's ok paid and it breaks the day up.

FED UP OF BEING ASKED IF I AM PREGNANT AS WELL!

No, I'm not. I look swollen up because I cmae off my antidepressants and my body is still readjusting. Why on earth anyone would be rude enough to A) assume this and B) actualy say anything is BEYOND me. I mean, anyhting could be going on is someones life, you do NOT open possible cans of worms like that.

Oh yeah, I'm off the pills...

At the end of June I got taken into hospital with very severe tonsillitis. My throat closed up and I couldn't breathe. Then, a friend of mine tried to kill themselves. The first event gave me a scary taste of mortality, which made me determined to beat the depression. The second made me see exactly what would have happened had I gone through with any of my failed attempts at ending it all...

Been off my tablets 2.5 months now and going strong

Martin and I live together now and it ias nice although we argue about housework and money a fair bit, you know like normal couples do. Still have no internet either. Sometimes use a mobile USB stick thingy but the signal is poor.

The engagement is going well, and I love him tonnes!!!!!!!!!

Just got my tonsils out yesterday and my throat looks totally minging. All white and scar looking as it is healing. The thing that dangles is bugging me as well cos its all swollen and everytime I swallow it goes down with my food and boings back up again!!!!

Yuck!

Umm otherwise... not much to say for now- applied for new jobs and stuff but we will see how it is

Sorry, only saw this now

Glad to hear things are going okay for you Carrie Ann. I think I had my tonsils out when I was 8. Can't remember much, apart from the doctor telling me I could never eat ice-cream ever again. He lied. I could eat ice-cream.

Not much more I can say than that really, just keep it going and hope things stay ok