Geldof slams FIFA over tickertape shortages

Sir (widely expected to become Saint on death) Bob Geldof has attacked football's governing body FIFA over its frivolous use of tickertape at the World Cup Final, when 95% of African families cannot even afford a single piece.

"It's a f**king discrace" said Geldof, "Many African nations would love to obtain that much tickertape.  The Nigerian presidential parade involved six pieces!  Six!  You couldn't even see it!  And birds ended up stealing most of it for their nests!  Yet because Nigeria still owes developed countries several million tonnes of the stuff that they don't have, this is the best they can manage.  Yet in the World Cup Final they just blew billions of pieces up into the air.  For a f**king football match!  I ask you, who cares about football?  Not me, I'm Irish.  It should have gone to a more worthwile cause, like a parade for street kids in Somalia."

FIFA President Sepp Blatter responded with a short statement. "Man, the Boomtown Rats were awful" he said, before settling back into his coffin before sunrise.