My Zulu war stories

Posted In: Poetry + Prose. Reading This Thread:

Sir Earlee Beardless

| 1,122 posts


6th Aug 2007 at 10:29 am

Sir Earlee Beardless - Remaining Beardless since 1989

Remaining Beardless since 1989

 
During my times in Africa I encounted the Zulu's a tribe that claim to have invented the tumble dryer and to of turned the sky blue though most doubt them.

I remember the Zulu Chief he called himself Bob after a well known type of Korean butter.  He was a character he once decalred war on Jamacia only to realise where Jamacia was.  Anyway one day while sitting in the grounds of my family's lodge I was confronted by the cheif asking why we drank so much tea.  I explained tea helps the mind relax and if you didn't drink tea you would have your head chopped off by our lovely Queen.  

He was bemused and started poking my tea cup with a pointed stick.  This angered me so challenged him to a duel.  On saying this he poke me in the eye with his stick thus rendering me unable to cry.  

To this day I can't cry although I have forgiven Chief Bob who pops round every Sunday for a game of chess.  Although he just ends up feeding the chess pieces to his pet cheetah who he also named Bob (I think he really likes that Korean butter.)

So that's part of my African adventure with Chief Bob who I plan to support in his nomiantion to be MP of Westminster at the next general election.




Edited by Sir Earlee Beardless Nov 2007
Being Beardless takes up alot of time. Actually no it doesn't unless you use a wooden spoon to shave.

Sir Earlee Beardless

| 1,122 posts


7th Aug 2007 at 12:16 pm

Sir Earlee Beardless - Remaining Beardless since 1989

Remaining Beardless since 1989

 
Well Chief Bob did'nt respond to well when I told him to stand in the next general election.  He poked me in the eye once again.  After a trip to the hospital I decide it would be fun to chase the staff of Harrods aroung the Food Court dressed as a badger.  This was amusing at first but decided it wasn't really for me and went back to South Africa.

By the time I got to the lodge Chief Bob was already there waiting to poke me in the eye again, which had become some kind of sport amongst the Zulu's towards the British.  We reponded by writing a strongly worded letter to Nelson Mandela but he was busy trying to fight AIDS which I suppose is a good enough excuse.



Edited by Sir Earlee Beardless Aug 2007
Being Beardless takes up alot of time. Actually no it doesn't unless you use a wooden spoon to shave.

Sir Earlee Beardless

| 1,122 posts


7th Aug 2007 at 12:32 pm

Sir Earlee Beardless - Remaining Beardless since 1989

Remaining Beardless since 1989

 
Woke on my the front lawn to find a water buffalo nibbling my ear for a moment I thought it was the fiance but soon realised it was a male buffalo.  

Chief Bob's away on a deplomatic mission to Guildford.  I busy myself with feeding the zebras and lauging back at the hyenas.  Soon I realise how much I miss Bob and his continued beatings. So I decide to play the violin much to the disgrace of the nearby zebra's who form a coalition with the passing baboons to take me down.  

After much running from the baboons and throwing various random object at them including my violin I find some peace and tranquility in the kitchen where I drink the remainig gin and gently drift off to sleep.

Edited by Sir Earlee Beardless Aug 2007
Being Beardless takes up alot of time. Actually no it doesn't unless you use a wooden spoon to shave.

Mark Brogan

| 7,648 posts


7th Aug 2007 at 12:34 pm

 
Ok. IT'S GUILDFORD.

SILENT 'D'.

Ahem.

Sir Earlee Beardless

| 1,122 posts


7th Aug 2007 at 12:38 pm

Sir Earlee Beardless - Remaining Beardless since 1989

Remaining Beardless since 1989

 
Erm...yes Guildford sorry teacher.Anyway Chief Bob is a member of the United Nations and occasionaly has to vist those trouble spots in the world including Guildford.  In Guildford he generally hands out free fruit pastilles to promote world peace.

Edited by Sir Earlee Beardless Sept 2007
Being Beardless takes up alot of time. Actually no it doesn't unless you use a wooden spoon to shave.

Sir Earlee Beardless

| 1,122 posts


7th Aug 2007 at 12:49 pm

Sir Earlee Beardless - Remaining Beardless since 1989

Remaining Beardless since 1989

 
Chief Bob returned from his visit to Guildford full of praise.  He loved the fact they had escaltors and lifts in the shopping centre and wanted to install some in his village.  Until I reminded him he lives in a wooden hut with only one floor.  He then poked me in the eye with a pointed stick.  

Edited by Sir Earlee Beardless Aug 2007
Being Beardless takes up alot of time. Actually no it doesn't unless you use a wooden spoon to shave.

Sir Earlee Beardless

| 1,122 posts


8th Aug 2007 at 9:56 am

Sir Earlee Beardless - Remaining Beardless since 1989

Remaining Beardless since 1989

 
Tired of the sun in Africa I decided it was time leave and head back home.  I decided to tell Bob my plans at the annual Zulu Olympics. The first event was poke the foreigner in the eye with a pointed stick, which I wisely decided to miss.  I arrived shortly after the first event the Zulu's were exhausted and many pointed sticks seemed permantley attached to their victims.  I spotted Bob who was busy trying to get his tenth wife to milk the female buffalo not the males who she had been busy with for the past hour.  

I told Bob I was heading back to England he seemed upset but couldn't find his pointed stick so I was safe.  He asked if I could bring back a portrait of an escalator to hang in his hut as he couldn't exactly install them in a ground floor hut.  I agreed although wondered how many escalator portraits there are in the world.  

On returning home I received a call from my good chum Chuffy he was incredibly upset.  He explained his daughters leg had gone missing on a night out he asked if I could help find it so I agreed (I only agreed if he gave me a case of gin if I did find it.)  Most of day I spent searching for her leg.  The staffs in Harrods were most confused when I asked if they had found a leg lying around.  Eventually after a brief walk through St James Park I found the leg in the mouth of a tramp.  Putting the leg in my satchel I returned it to Chuffy in exchange for some gin, which I quickly consumed.  

The next morning I found myself in a police station apparently that gin got to me and I ended up throwing some wine gums at Buckingham Palace.  After bribing the policeman a couple of pounds and all my remaining wine gums I was freed.  

Later that day I went to the Zulu's embassy in London to send a painting of an escalator to Bob.  In fact I was told the painting of the escalator was painted by Monet's mother's uncle's French hobo loving nurse.  Which I was quite impressed by. The Zulu embassy is mainly built out of paper mache, which has been shaped into a giant hippo.  As in most Zulu buildings there are no doors so you have to basically find a hole and crawl through.  Zulu's don't believe in doors they see the door as a threat to their heritage and have therefore banned them.  Anyone caught using a door is poked in both eyes with a sharp stick then thrown into the mouth of a hippo.  After successfully finding my way in and out of the embassy I attended a light lunch with Chuffy and his friend at the Ministry of State who is generally referred to as Dougless as he decided to change his name from Doug to Mary and start wearing frocks.  Anyway we chatted about this and that but Dougless was rather concerned that William the Conqueror had just crossed the channel.  We assured him that this happened in 1066 but we stopped at telling him what the outcome was. Dougless then rushed off saying he must speak with the King about all this. Chuffy had to leave apparently he wanted to try re-attaching his daughters leg with blu-tak.  I doubted it would work but thought it best to be quiet and carry on drinking gin.  

Next day I wandered over to The Cheese Loving Prime Minister's Gentleman’s Club.  The club is called this as it was started by Anthony Eden who was a big lover of cheese in fact I believe he married a piece of cheese I can't remember if it was Stilton or Cheddar.  Never mind I'm sure it'll come to me.  After several barrels of gin I proceeded to ask the chaps if they had any wine gums.  They realised this could mean trouble so took me to the safety of the local opium den to calm me down. Drug fuelled antics followed.   Some escaped convicts who actually turned out to be the PM's children and myself proceeded to the German embassy and shoved pate through the letterbox.  Then we went over to Hyde Park and scared away the Albanian gypsies who were busy eating the Queens swans.

Next morning I awoke next to an aardvark, which was odd.  I soon realised I had found my way to London Zoo the aardvark seemed rather sad to see me go but I promised I would come back soon.  I checked to see if the PM's children were around but they seemed to have gone.  The butler welcomed me home and handed me the newspaper the headlines were most disturbing.  It seems Bob has been up to no good again at a UN meeting he claimed that he himself built Blackpool Tower and that the British should annex Bermuda to him as compensation.  After much deliberation Bermuda was instead annexed to Andorra because they promised to ease third world suffering by supplying Africa with some sponge Cakes.  

After a hearty breakfast I went about packing my things for my return to Africa.  I made sure I had extra gin as life in Africa is quite harsh and gin seems to make everything soft round the edges.  




Edited by Sir Earlee Beardless Sept 2007
Being Beardless takes up alot of time. Actually no it doesn't unless you use a wooden spoon to shave.

Sir Earlee Beardless

| 1,122 posts


8th Aug 2007 at 10:26 am

Sir Earlee Beardless - Remaining Beardless since 1989

Remaining Beardless since 1989

 
The journey back was quite nice. Well what I could remember was nice such as the taking off and landing the rest was blank mainly because I decided to mix gin with the planes fuel.It has quite a kick. I decided to stay away from naked flames for sometime afterwards.

When I arrived back at the lodge I found Bob sitting outside looking up at the sky he seemed engrossed with the passing clouds. I asked what he was doing he explained he was timing how long it takes the clouds to pass over because tommorow he's going cloud hunting with the tribe. I then explained that clouds could be several thousand feet up and even if you could get to that height you can't actually hunt them down and kill them. Looking upset he wandered off muttering something about finding his pointed stick.




Edited by Sir Earlee Beardless Aug 2007
Being Beardless takes up alot of time. Actually no it doesn't unless you use a wooden spoon to shave.

leftthisplace28-12-07

| 2,740 posts


8th Aug 2007 at 12:22 pm

leftthisplace28-12-07 - Lord Sebastian Flyte.The one in white.

Lord Sebastian Flyte.The one in white.

 
Quote: Earl_James_Junior
 

On returning home I received a call from my good chum Chuffy he was incredibly upset.  He explained his daughters leg had gone missing on a night out he asked if I could help find it so I agreed (I only agreed if he gave me a case of gin if I did find it.)  Most of day I spent searching for her leg.  The staffs in Harrods were most confused when I asked if they had found a leg lying around.  Eventually after a brief walk through St James Park I found the leg in the mouth of a tramp.  Putting the leg in my satchel I returned it to Chuffy in exchange for some gin, which I quickly consumed.  



Wonderful!
I haven't been manicial all these years I have been in love! It is the exact same dreadful feeling.

Sir Earlee Beardless

| 1,122 posts


9th Aug 2007 at 10:08 am

Sir Earlee Beardless - Remaining Beardless since 1989

Remaining Beardless since 1989

 


Next day had some breakfast and I had a thought what if a hippo had one leg . I suppose it would just hop around. This thought depressed me all day . But I couldn't dwell on these thoughts for too long Lord Chelmsford was on his way round. Lord Chelmsford is the head of the Royal Tea Guards. A post normaly given to the most dim witted public school student. Though Lord Chelmsford had an usual amount of intelligence for an upper class twit.

Lord Chelmsford had some grim news. The boers who have recently grown in strength have stolen much of the tea. Without it the British Empire would crumble he belived I was the only one to get the tea back and save the Empire. Although rather reluctant to do so he explained if I didn't he would take me outside and shove me into the stomach of a nearby hippo. Not wanting spend the remaining moments of my life inside a hippo I decided to accept. With a smile on his face Lord Chelmsford skipped outside (skipping was the fashionable thing to do among the officers of the British army at the time. It is belived to renforce the instinct to kill .)

Not knowing where to start I decided to head to Durban. A settlement full of Boers at the time. It was under British rule for a short time until the army became bored and decided to head for the beach for a picnic and a quick game of cricket. By the time we got back the blasted Boers had taken over the place the smell of mayonaise and edam cheese haung in the air. The British officers not willing to put up with such things left and headed back to the beach. In fact the army have been there ever since.

I needed help to get their because the roads to Durban are rather unsafe. Mainly because the Boers had decided to kill any Brit that passed by. I would need help from Bob and Ijust hoped he had found his pointed stick.


Arriving at Bob's village I found it almost deserted apart from a group of women. I recognised one as Bob's tenth wife. She was busy with a water buffalo. On closer inspection she had yet again mistaken a female buffalo with a male one. Although the male buffalo she was trying to milk was quite enjoying it. I decided it was wiser to stay away from a horny buffalo after one bad experience on my front lawn. Moving closer to Bob's hut I found him he was sharpening a new pointed stick. Unfortnately I seemed to have turned up at the wrong time. Bob was delighted to see me only so he can test his stick on my by now rather swollen eye.

After many hours of enduring Bob's poking I brang up the subject of the missing tea. He didn't seemed to bothered by it. Zulu's have never really understood our need to drink tea but I have never fully understood why he continually pokes me in the eye. He agreed to escort me to Durban but in return he wanted Bermuda. Thinking I could pull out of the deal later I accepted. While us Europeans normally shake hands to seal the deal the Zulu's tend to slap each other round the face with mackeral. Why mackeral I don't know but it's the main import to South Africa these days. A few slaps round the face with a wet mackeral we were on our way to Durban at last.

Bob advised I should disguise myself for our trip to Durban as he said British people are easily spotted mainly because we seem to amble around foreign places not really knowing where to go. I thought it best to agree to avoid have my eye jabbed again. Next time in London I should pick up a pair of googles that whould confuse Bob. So Bob diguised me as a Boer wearing a fake blonde beard and a large grubby looking hat and a jar of mayonaise just in case they doubt I'm dutch. It's well known the Dutch don't have passports they just carry a jar of mayonaise around with them.

Off we trekked Bob with his stick and me with a jar of mayonaise. Along the way we amused ourselves. Bob enjoyed playing eye spy although he did'nt really get the concept. He of course just tried to poke me in the eye. But I soon managed him to distract him when a cloud passed over. He thought it looked like me. Maybe it was the sun but it looked more like a bottle of gin. Ah gin without it I was dangerously close to being sober and that only meant trouble. The gin gives false courage without it I'm just a coward with a swollen eye and a jar of mayonaise.







Being Beardless takes up alot of time. Actually no it doesn't unless you use a wooden spoon to shave.

Sir Earlee Beardless

| 1,122 posts


13th Aug 2007 at 9:48 am

Sir Earlee Beardless - Remaining Beardless since 1989

Remaining Beardless since 1989

 
I was now alone in the wilderness. Bob and myself had a discussion about whether tea is really important enough to risk life and limb. After a brief argument Bob decided to abandon me in the bush rather than poke me.

As I wonder from bush to bush hoping some absent minded adventurer had left behind a bottle of gin or even a musket to finish myself off.

I soon found a track and wandered along. As I came round a bend I saw the outline of a motorcar. What was strange was the fact it seemed attached to a rather large elephant. Not the kind of thing you normally see unless you visit Watford on a Saturday afternoon at about 1:15pm.

Anyway the unfortunate driver was trying to tempt the elephant away with a large chunk of Edam cheese. Of course it is a well known fact elephants have a craving for cheese. The elephant moved but rather than eat the cheese he picked the man up with his trunk and wandered off into the wilderness leaving behind a smashed up but workable car.

Normally my driver would handle the complexities of driving me. But he recently was pronounced King of Norway so I've had to drive myself (outrageous I know!)

I soon figured out how to turn the key and drove on to Durban. Stopping on the way at a local bar to pick up a case of gin, which should see me through today at least. On reaching Durban I found the place was a ruin. Vast amounts of mayonnaise had spilt onto the ground people were fleeing and there in the middle of it all was Bob throwing large amounts of Edam at the Dutch. With a quick swig of gin I ventured down. Many of the Dutch had left. They must of followed the example of the French who I remember them surrendering at the battle of Knockie-Knockie where the French army came up against the might of a single German pensioner who had complained about the lack of frankfurters in Tunisia.

Anyway with the Dutch fleeing I asked Bob help me find the tea but he was too busy poking an unconscious Dutchman in the eye with a mayonnaise covered pointed stick.

Too find the tea I simply followed my nose, which just led me right back to my face. On realising where my nose was I could now employ it in the search for the missing teabags. I soon found the tea in a nearby windmill resting on a crate of wooden clogs. Mission accomplished Bob and myself headed back home.

Lord Chelmsford was relieved to get the teabags back as it was almost teatime and he had been without tea for a good four hours. Poor chap was pale as the milk he was now pouring in his tea. I begged my leave and headed back to the lodge.

On reaching the lodge I found Bob busy chasing one of my guards around he said the guard had offended him by opening the front door. I told him to stop or he would not get Bermuda. Bob then calmed down and left. Now my thoughts turned to how I was going to get Bermuda for Bob. I know the Andorrans like Bermuda for it's lovely sunshine and the complete lack of AIDS.

I decided to head back to London maybe I could have a word with the PM and even bribe him with a few wine gums and a cup of tea into giving Bermuda to Bob. It was a long shot but I had to try.



Being Beardless takes up alot of time. Actually no it doesn't unless you use a wooden spoon to shave.

Sir Earlee Beardless

| 1,122 posts


14th Aug 2007 at 10:39 am

Sir Earlee Beardless - Remaining Beardless since 1989

Remaining Beardless since 1989

 
When I arrived home I found the house deserted and a solitary note was placed on the fireplace. It was from the butler who had run off with yet another one of my maids. Luckily nobody had run off with the cook. But then again who would want too.

I settled down with some gin but was soon interrupted by the telephone. It was Chuffy again he invited me to a get together at the Royal Albert Hall. He said it would be a small get together of only around 300 people. He also said the current Prime Minister would be in attendance. Unfortunately this PM seemed to have an unusual affection for kilts.

I arrived at the hall at around eight. The place was relatively small. A small bar was in the corner. I noticed Chuffy was speaking to the royal doctor. No doubt trying to find away to re-attach his daughters leg. As I had figured out blu-tak is definitely not the right way to re-attach a limb.

The PM was over in the the distance but sadly was wearing a kilt and had a rather large hole in his head, which he hadn't seemed to of noticed. I approached with the bag of wine gums ready. The PM looked may way and approached. He asked me what my opinion of cheese was. I said it was rather reliable stuff but wasn't the kind of thing you could rely on in a crisis. He seemed rather annoyed at this but offered him a wine gum for comfort. After discussing the importance of wearing thermal underwear when wearing a kilt in the Artic we came upon the subject of Bermuda. He seemed quite happy to hand Bermuda over but he feared a war with Andorra as they had the worlds largest stocks of Lemon Curd. He advised me to travel to Andorra and perhaps bring some Lemon Curd back for him. He promptly left muttering something baked beans.

I caught up with Chuffy he was upset. The royal doctor had refused to re-attach his daughter’s leg without a royal appointment. Unless the leg has been stamped by the royal seal he couldn’t do the surgery. Once again Chuffy asked for help and once again he offered several cases of gin for my time. I left wandering where I could find a member of the royal family at this hour.


Being Beardless takes up alot of time. Actually no it doesn't unless you use a wooden spoon to shave.

wombat

| 8,154 posts


14th Aug 2007 at 11:29 am

wombat - Technically sexy.

Technically sexy.

 
... what ... is this?
Southern hemispherical rat boy


 
 
Luco El Loco: Greetings and salutations for anyone passing through.
SayNotAWord: Does this thing still work?
SayNotAWord: Oh good - I ended up here at the end of a Mega Zine nostalgia rabbit hole
SayNotAWord: Nice to see there's still life in this glorious old place
SayNotAWord: It's ya boy, Parsley Possum
Luco El Loco: Hello
Emma: EVERYBODY DANCE NOW.
Luco El Loco: Wow I haven't heard that one in a while.
Crinkle-Cut Beatroot: I was in the shower and "Fluff The Evil One" randomly floated through my mind so I thought I'd stop by, hi 'ziners!
Captain Spiky: Considering I haven't been on this site for over a decade, I find it mildly terrifying that I still have an average of 1.71 posts per day...
Captain Spiky: I miss this place... Much loveage to anybody reading this x
Graham: Passing through, hope you beautiful lot are doing well!
Rayanne Graff: Bye; peace to small Christmas trees.
Crinkle-Cut Beatroot: Friday night just thinkin' about sharing jaffa cakes with WLW... <3
Maeby: Almost 4 years. Where did the time go?
Pope of Chilli Town: Time flies Alice.
Rayanne Graff: Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Peace to small Christmas trees.
flicky: I'm back, 11 years on

 

Page: