Monty Python Stuff

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Sir Earlee Beardless

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11th Jul 2007 at 12:05 pm

Sir Earlee Beardless - Remaining Beardless since 1989

Remaining Beardless since 1989

 
Horace

Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay
Horace ate himself one day
He didn't stop to say his grace
He just sat down and ate his face
We can't have this his Dad decalred
If that lad's ate he should be shared
But even as he spoke he saw
Horace eating more
First his legs and then his thighs
His arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes
Stop him someone Mother cried
Those eyeballs would be better fried
But all to late for they had gone
And he had started on his dong
Oh follish child the father mourns
We could have deep-fried that with prawns
Some parsley and some tartar sauce
But H was on his second course
His liver and his intestine and lung
His ears his neck his chin his tongue
To think I raised him from the cot
And now he's gone and scoffed the lot
His Mother cried What shall we do?
What's left won't even make a stew
And as she wept her son was seen
To eat his head, his heart and spleen
And there he lay a boy no more
Just a stomach on the floor
None the less since it was his
They ate it-thats what haggis is*

*No it isn't Haggis is a kind of stuffed black pudding eaten by Scots and considered by them to not only be a delicacy but also fit for human consumption.  The minced heart,liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or other animals inner organs are mixed with oatmeal sealed then boiled. Blah blah etc soon followed by extreme stomach pains and three weeks in hospital.  

From Monty Python's Flying Circus


Edited by Sir Earlee Beardless Jul 2007
Being Beardless takes up alot of time. †Actually no it doesn't unless you use a wooden spoon to shave.

Sir Earlee Beardless

| 1,122 posts


11th Jul 2007 at 12:21 pm

Sir Earlee Beardless - Remaining Beardless since 1989

Remaining Beardless since 1989

 
Short Poem

Po

By Monty Python
Being Beardless takes up alot of time. †Actually no it doesn't unless you use a wooden spoon to shave.

Sir Earlee Beardless

| 1,122 posts


11th Jul 2007 at 12:22 pm

Sir Earlee Beardless - Remaining Beardless since 1989

Remaining Beardless since 1989

 
Port Shoem
by The
Speverent Rooner
I've a Gouse and Harden in the country
An ace I call my plown,
A treat I can replace to
When I beed to knee alone.
Catterfly and butterpillar
Perch on beefy lough
And I listen to the dats and cogs
As they mark and they biaow.
Yes wature here is nunderful
There is no weed for nords,
While silling by my windowflutter
Biny little tirds.

By Monty Python in collabration with Jesus
Being Beardless takes up alot of time. †Actually no it doesn't unless you use a wooden spoon to shave.

Sir Earlee Beardless

| 1,122 posts


11th Jul 2007 at 12:24 pm

Sir Earlee Beardless - Remaining Beardless since 1989

Remaining Beardless since 1989

 
I'm a lumberjack
And I'm O.K.
I sleep all night
And I work all day.

He's a lumberjack
And he's O.K.
He sleeps all night
And he works all day.
2. I cut down trees
I eat my lunch
I go to the lavatory
On Wednesday I go shopping
And have buttered scones for tea.
Mounties He cuts down trees
He eats his lunch
He goes to the lavatory
On Wednesday he goes shopping
And has buttered scones for tea.

He's a lumberjack
And he's O.K.
He sleeps at night
And he works all day.
3. I cut down trees
I skip and jump
I like to press wild flowers
I put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars.
Mounties He cuts down trees
He skips and jumps
He likes to press wild flowers
He puts on women's clothing
And hangs around in bars.

He's a lumberjack
And he's O.K.
He sleeps all night
And he works all day.
4. I cut down trees
I wear high heels
Suspenders and a bra
I wish I'd been a girlie
Just like my dear Pappa.
Mounties He cuts down trees
He wears high heels
(spoken rather than sung)
Suspenders... and a bra?
That's shocking, etc.
That's rude... tuttut... tut tut...

(music runs down)

Being Beardless takes up alot of time. †Actually no it doesn't unless you use a wooden spoon to shave.

Sir Earlee Beardless

| 1,122 posts


12th Jul 2007 at 1:24 pm

Sir Earlee Beardless - Remaining Beardless since 1989

Remaining Beardless since 1989

 
Funnisest sketch ever

The Pet Shoppe
A customer enters a pet shop.

Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The owner does not respond.)

C: 'Ello, Miss?

Owner: What do you mean "miss"?

C: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

O: We're closin' for lunch.

C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.

C: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!

C: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!

(shouting at the cage)

'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...(owner hits the cage)

O: There, he moved!

C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

O: I never!!

C: Yes, you did!

O: I never, never did anything...

C: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!!

Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

C: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.

O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

C: STUNNED?!?

O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.

C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.

C: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?

O: The Norwegian Blue prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!

C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

O: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

O: No no! 'E's pining!

C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker!

'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies!
'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig!
'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!

THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!

(pause)

O: Well, I'd better replace it, then.

(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)

O: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots.

C: I see. I see, I get the picture.

O: I got a slug.

(pause)

C: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it talk?

O: Nnnnot really.

C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

O: Look, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton, he'll replace the parrot for you.

C: Bolton, eh? Very well.

The customer leaves.

The customer enters the same pet shop. The owner is putting on a false moustache.

C: This is Bolton, is it?

O: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Ipswitch.

C: (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for you.

The customer goes to the train station.

He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints".

C: I wish to complain, British-Railways Person.

Attendant: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!

C: I beg your pardon...?

A: I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this job because I like being my own boss!

C: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?

A: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these python files out to 200 lines, you know.

C: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Bolton train and found myself deposited here in Ipswitch.

A: No, this is Bolton.

C: (to the camera) The pet shop man's brother was lying!!

A: Can't blame British Rail for that.

C: In that case, I shall return to the pet shop!

He does.

C: I understand this IS Bolton.

O: (still with the fake mustache) Yes?

C: You told me it was Ipswitch!

O: ...It was a pun.

C: (pause) A PUN?!?

O: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards?

C: (Long pause) A palindrome...?

O: Yeah, that's it!

C: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Bolton" would be "Notlob"!! It don't work!!

O: Well, what do you want?

C: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly!

Being Beardless takes up alot of time. †Actually no it doesn't unless you use a wooden spoon to shave.

Sir Earlee Beardless

| 1,122 posts


13th Jul 2007 at 12:47 pm

Sir Earlee Beardless - Remaining Beardless since 1989

Remaining Beardless since 1989

 
Title: The Hungarian Phrasebook Sketch

Set: A tobacconist's shop.

Text on screen: In 1970, the British Empire lay in ruins, and foreign nationalists frequented the streets - many of them Hungarians
(not the streets - the foreign nationals). Anyway, many of
these Hungarians went into tobacconist's shops to buy
cigarettes....

A Hungarian tourist (John Cleese) approaches the clerk (Terry Jones). The
tourist is reading haltingly from a phrase book.

Hungarian: I will not buy this record, it is scratched.
Clerk: Sorry?
Hungarian I will not buy this record, it is scratched.
Clerk: Uh, no, no, no. This is a tobacconist's.
Hungarian: Ah! I will not buy this *tobacconist's*, it is scratched.
Clerk: No, no, no, no. Tobacco...um...cigarettes (holds up a pack).
Hungarian: Ya! See-gar-ets! Ya! Uh...My hovercraft is full of eels.
Clerk: Sorry?
Hungarian: My hovercraft (pantomimes puffing a cigarette)...is full of eels
(pretends to strike a match).
Clerk: Ahh, matches!
Hungarian: Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya! Do you waaaaant...do you waaaaaant...to come
back to my place, bouncy bouncy?
Clerk: Here, I don't think you're using that thing right.
Hungarian: You great poof.
Clerk: That'll be six and six, please.
Hungarian: If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
I...I am no longer infected.
Clerk: Uh, may I, uh...(takes phrase book, flips through it)...Costs six and
six...ah, here we are. (speaks weird Hungarian-sounding words)
Hungarian punches the clerk.

Meanwhile, a policeman (Graham Chapman) on a quiet street cups his ear as if
hearing a cry of distress. He sprints for many blocks and finally enters the
tobacconist's.

Cop: What's going on here then?
Hungarian: Ah. You have beautiful thighs.
Cop: (looks down at himself) WHAT?!?
Clerk: He hit me!
Hungarian: Drop your panties, Sir William; I cannot wait 'til lunchtime.
(points at clerk)
Cop: RIGHT!!! (drags Hungarian away by the arm)
Hungarian: (indignantly) My nipples explode with delight!

(scene switches to a courtroom. Characters are all in powdered wigs and
judicial robes, except publisher and cop. Characters:
Judge: Terry Jones
Bailiff: Eric Idle
Lawyer: John Cleese
Cop: Graham (still)
Publisher: Michael Palin )

Bailiff: Call Alexander Yalt!
(voices sing out the name several times)
Judge: Oh, shut up!
Bailiff: (to publisher) You are Alexander Yalt?
Publisher: (in a sing-songy voice) Oh, I am.
Bailiff: Skip the impersonations. You are Alexander Yalt?
Publisher: I am.
Bailiff: You are hereby charged that on the 28th day of May, 1970, you did
willfully, unlawfully, and with malice of forethought, publish an
alleged English-Hungarian phrase book with intent to cause a breach
of the peace. How do you plead?
Publisher: Not guilty.
Bailiff: You live at 46 Horton Terrace?
Publisher: I do live at 46 Horton terrace.
Bailiff: You are the director of a publishing company?
Publisher: I am the director of a publishing company.
Bailiff: Your company publishes phrase books?
Publisher: My company does publish phrase books.
Bailiff: You did say 46 Horton Terrace, did you?
Publisher: Yes.
Bailiff: (strikes a gong) Ah! Got him!
(lawyer and cop applaud, laugh)
Judge: Get on with it, get on with it.
Bailiff: That's fine. On the 28th of May, you published this phrase book.
Publisher: I did.
Bailiff: I quote on example. The Hungarian phrase meaning "Can you direct me
to the station?" is translated by the English phrase, "Please fondle
my bum."
Publisher: I wish to plead incompetence.
Cop: (stands) Please may I ask for an adjournment, m'lord?
Judge: An adjournment? Certainly not!

(the cop sits down again, emitting perhaps the longest and loudest release of
bodily gas in the history of the universe.)

Judge: Why on earth didn't you say WHY you wanted an adjournment?
Cop: I didn't know an acceptable legal phrase, m'lord.
(cut to ancient footage of old women applauding)
Judge: (banging + swinging gavel) If there's any more stock film of women
applauding, I'll clear the court.
Being Beardless takes up alot of time. †Actually no it doesn't unless you use a wooden spoon to shave.


 
 
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