Strawberry's poems

Posted In: Poetry + Prose. Reading This Thread:

Rayanne Graff

| 75,057 posts

23rd May 2006 at 10:00 am

Rayanne Graff - River Phoenix

River Phoenix

53. (Black.)

My mind's eye filters teardrops, my body garbed in black
I would that my tears and prayers, might bring you on back
An entire generation's now out of control
They crucified you in my mind, flung away your raging soul
Weeping for a shattered hope, that once might have been
Doomed to be just a character in somebody's dream
Once a hope of tranquillity that's now sadly gone
But, dialling a cliche, your spirit lives on
A love everlasting; or at least, so I thought
There are some things worth more; as such, they cannot be bought
But memories are teardrops, fading softly away
To be forgotten by tomorrow, or at
least yesterday.

54. (Why?)

Why is it only those who are loved
That seem to fade away in the night
My spirit sealed off in frost, but, what with lives that are lost
It seems it can never be right
But I still can remember the hope I felt you gave me
As a child, in my mind, you were all but my saviour
Now you are gone and your memory is one
Ingrained in the ground, with a scream and a sound
Why then was it you, of all people
Why do they no longer care
My pain is digging silent, still deeper
Why did they take one so beautiful and rare
When there is hope and oblivion
I will be gone from this selfish pain
The remnants of my feelings delivered
But I still see your face in your brain
Moments of hope have come unclustured
My eyes will never rise nor unfill
One day, I'll muster the strength to deal with this phase they
call death
Until then, I'll remember and think of you still.

55. (Emptiness.)

Emptiness, flowing through my vein
There is nothing left but teardrops and pain
What seemed once my only hope
Has gone away and I'm left to cope
With fear unending; still, the screams
Are helping to propel on a void
My subconscious propels dreams
Which only make me more paranoid
Emptiness, flowing through my mind
I could not know any more that I can see
Reality's so stoned, it controls just the image-blind
Leaving holes in them, causing misery
When there's a little hope, enough to cover my hand
There will be love, there will be plenty
But now I'm burning, my heart yearns to understand
Why life's a worthless conspiracy
Maybe it'll disappear, but people are weird
They wait for doom; but when it looms, they go deranged
They r*pe and kill in wars, as presumably, they're bored
People never change
I've lost my identity, but breathing is empty
From living in a world with a fascist empire
Now he's empty and dead, for what good has he bled
To be spurned by a world filled with fragrant desire.


All the love I ever had
Has gone out of me, as has his life
He probably wouldn't have wanted me to be selfish and sad
But all the same, the pain, it cuts me like a knife
All the hope he ever gave
Has plunged inside a heap under the ground
Just as he himself has been thrust into his grave
So a part of me has died inside, now he's not around
All the dreams I tried to live
Have gone, now I have only angst and regret
But I don't think I'll be able to forgive
Myself for living and thinking I'd forget
So as the teardrops flow away
And I think, yet once again, of what might have been
Remembering it's just another phase
Although your image is constant in my dreams
Running, as the moment turns around
And I try projection on another time
When screaming was nothing but a sound
Now it seems to be another state of mind
The government will be overthrown
So freedom and anarchy will not begin
The world is nothing but a drone
So I'll never smile again a cheesy grin
From many months of inner, constant strain
Facing a world that's unable to care
My tears flow; they go, but then they come again
I'll remember him with flowers in my hair.

57. (Anyway.)

Looking through teardrops, but nothing could change
Seeing life as just another cold, lonely arrangement
It's all the same
Maybe you hurt me and maybe you left me
Still, either way, I couldn't forget you
I've lost my selfish sense of rejection now
Although I've seen if I can try
Still I can't take you out of my mind
I wish it were me then, if I'd read the signs
You could be here, with your love shining on
The world is expanding; there'll always be plenty
So why am I feeling so angry and empty?
You gave me a meaningful sense of identity
You gave me hope, when I couldn't cope
Once I thought if I'd known, you wouldn't be pretending
I cry when I'm dying, or smile when I'm screaming
Always, such people are using projection
Taking pains to gain social acceptance
I don't know whether you'd be totally bemused
But I thought that your presence helped me deal with years
of abuse
Now I can't even thank you; it'd embarrass me
But I'll go and hug a tree.

Edited by Rayanne Graff Jun 2006

Rayanne Graff

| 75,057 posts

2nd Jun 2006 at 9:59 am

Rayanne Graff - River Phoenix

River Phoenix

58. (Memory.)

Although you're now more than a memory
Trapped in the middle of things
I think sometimes, why oh why, how could this be
And find misery in every life brings
I'll always remember, though your soul is dismembered
How beautiful you were and could be
There are tears in your eyes, as I recall your demise
After all, you were only 23
There are some kinds of moments that cannot
be defined
Still, I see your semblance, tremble in my mind
Your vibes were part of my life once, how could this be
That you're trapped in a package with your memory
You're not the kind to flow through minds; lead screaming with your worth
It seems unfair, that one so rare, should go to
death undeserved
May your memory flow on forever; may your dreams also carry on
I can't stop crying or get you out of my mind; I'm not the only one.

Rayanne Graff

| 75,057 posts

5th Jun 2006 at 9:53 am

Rayanne Graff - River Phoenix

River Phoenix

59. (As The Tears Flow.)

As the tears flow down across my face
I've lost much ability to cope
But I think still of the message you would have gave
Have hope, have hope
As the tears flow free along with your memory
It will flow and blow your spirit down the air
I felt your vibes were near when I wished I'd disappear
From a world which I was certain didn't care
The tears flow on and drop and drop like rain
Symbolic of a generation that knows only hate and pain
The dark clouds bounce on from the skies
You were one of great beauty, so why can't people view the world through your eyes?
I think you'd like the world to go on and strive, like you, for peace
Blowing, like a mountain on a slope
A message carved eternal in a bit of wax
Have hope, have hope.

60. Smile And A Song

You always fought, with the love that you brought
To give and live to be true
Though injustice is rife, you would eat no-one's life
There will be another you
You harmed no-one else; but, so it is said, yourself
In a world that is blemished with wrong
Your love has not died and even your conspirator's lies
Will still mean that I'll try to remember you with a smile and
a song
I will not think of what might have been; I will focus on what
You strived for during your life
to achieve what you dreamed
And the vibes of your life won't be forgotten
You gave me a feeling, that I need not be appealing
That I must strive for my life, I shouldn't always belong
I will give my own rise; though the tears drown my eyes
There is hope in my heart; my smile for this song.


Although I did not know you as well as I could
And I emulated your lack of hatred so much later than
I should
I thought that you were perfect; though it's thought you
weren't quite
Now you are gone, but your love shines on
Like a rainbow full of light
When you were here, you thwarted my fear
Three years later; it's different, I cry
I remember with joy, that you did not destroy
Your name burns, like a flame in the sky
You were not like the rest, who could not speak their mind
You will always stand past the test of time
No-one expected you to go, but you defied their expectation
Your name flows, eternal, like a flame in the sky.


Distorted Perception

My selfishness, pure, in the guise of my tears
Though my thoughts of you may be projection
You sustained me; my brain and soul, for three years
Because of distorted perception
The future's not great; I see only hate
The world is doomed; it is falling
The rain from the skies; the love in your eyes
Which many are merely ignoring
I'm only protesting to those who forget you
They're afraid of your influence, it seems
Though their kind may deny yoy; all the same, you inspired me
And your image carries on through my dreams
Yet you could not face the truth; tis that your youth
Should be gone, with no hope of redemption
We'd borrowed your lies; so your death was a surprise
It was told by those who sold the distorted perception.  

63. (Rare.)

I loved you for your beauty
Which flowed on free and wild
In a world which is cold and futile
But you were not that blind
Through all the hate we are taught is great
You seemed, anyway, to care
And I will sigh and wonder why
They would take someone that rare
Because your love was prepared to move
You would speak out, when you'd the chance
So you would fight for animal rights
While others didn't glance
You broke my heart; you suffered for your art
When you cut and dyed your hair
The love you gave, at least, taught me to be brave
For love, to me, is rare.  

64. (Teardrops.)

Teardrops falling down my face
For one who gave me his whole
My tears flew mellow; I began to race
So I could gaze on the love burning in your soul
Perhaps someday you'll rise; but the tears in my eyes
Prevent me from wanting to breath
(I probably should've said "breathe"... I think I said "breath because of it rhyming with death.)
Your hope is still glowing, so why am I so boring
That I'm immensely affected by but your death
My future's dissolving, what could I expect
For not handling life as it seems
But, though times, I hate evolving, I cannot forget
At least, my hope prevails in my dreams.

65. (Withered Away)

With your poor memory, withered away
Or so it seems now to be
I remembered you then, and I try to today
You will always be a part of me
I am still breathing, and scarcely believing
While I can ask only how can this be
It was not to be, you meant so much to me
But I can't pick up like it's a dream
And with what's left of your body to be withered, it seems
I must attempt to contain all my wrath
Other people go on listening to tradition and dreams
While I know they are selling your photograph
I would not presume that I  was ever like you
Though now I try to fight for animals with zeal
You cannot be restored; still, I think of you more
Somehow I believed that you knew how I feel
I felt you'd inspired me to crawl from the mire
That seems like only yesterday
But the world's bereft of you, though your memory's still true
And I think of you still every day.

(I think I said "mire as a Doors reference. "No time to wallow in the mire is a line from "Light My Fire" by The Doors. )

66. (Being Eternal.)

Being eternal, your name raised from the water
But still you were falling, and nobody caught you

Edited by Rayanne Graff Jun 2006

Rayanne Graff

| 75,057 posts

23rd Jun 2006 at 9:34 am

Rayanne Graff - River Phoenix

River Phoenix

66. (Being Eternal.)

Being eternal, your name raised from the water
But still you were falling, yet nobody caught you
Your face garbed in shadows; if only they'd known then
Once my tears turned to gladness, before one-fifty one a.m.
You lived to break down the barriers, which gave you no joy
Continuing to ignore those who sought to destroy
So you fought to save the earth and its creatures from pain
And you did in your lifetime; you did not live in vain
Being eternal, you rose from the mire
But now you are gone, and your heart is left burning in
their fire.

Edited by Rayanne Graff Jun 2006

Rayanne Graff

| 75,057 posts

26th Jun 2006 at 8:56 am

Rayanne Graff - River Phoenix

River Phoenix

67. (Tribute.)

When you died, tears cast a-plenty in my eyes
It was like nothing anyone could forsee
My mother said, don't mind; they'll remember his vibes
They'll show a tribute to him on TV
And, yes, she was right; yes, they did
so despite
The way you were later perceived
Some tried hard to judge; as if your death wasn't enough
Those incapable of empathy or grief
So they showed them on TV; the tributes to your memory
Some lasted less than 30 seconds, therefore less than half an hour
I clutched my photograph, which I carried when you were alive
Of you, sitting; eyes were gazing left, hands holding a flower
Within several days, they mocked your name
Your age lessened a year
They said it was your fault for the way you lived out
Belittling all that you held dear
Your first film shown in routine: Wed, December Twenty-nine
It was censored due to words
That some people's minds thought should be left behind
Symbolically, after your death, they finally heard
You were treated as a statistic, by those who felt it was their duty
To exemplify the way you died; deny the way you held your beauty
Your words inside, still haunt my mind, sometimes cutting deep like a knife
I will always remember you and forever, and the hope you brought to my life.

68. (Dreams.)

I dreamt of you first in November '93, my way of maintaining your memory
Still it continues, so I know you're not forgotten
You have flown through the windows, bringing love past their hinges
While you're turning, I'm learning; some prefer to think you're desolate
I dreamt of two films you made; of one of them, there is no such thing
I dreamt I'd a T-shirt of and saw you on TV; the group with which you once played and sang
I dreamt of aliens, like in your first film; your parents told me they were sorry
Perhaps they knew where you were going to, and did not need to worry
They said Evan Dando had died as well, what kind of society
Could cause people to die, as young as 27 or 23
I dreamt you were throwing and breaking bottles of
former milk
Once I dreamt I wish I'd died instead, but that would hardly help
I dreamt of speaking with a like-minded friend about your 1989 film
I always felt you could understand, and help me to learn
For three years you were my influence, to the extent that it seems
I felt I must see you whilst dreaming my dreams
And when life becomes weary, you're still lingering on
That will give us all some beauty left to think upon.  

69. (Tomorrow.)

I'd gladly pray for you, pour my soul away for you
Though my feelings of heart turn to sorrow
One day you will rise, from the myriad skies
Next year, perhaps, or even tomorrow
I don't dream of you every night
Every three; if the vibes are right
But I don't have  a distorted perception
Like those who exalt and say it was your fault
Their feelings are only projection
One day they will know the truth, not judge you by your tragic youth
Instead of gnashing their teeth in horror
Though your life has now gone, your memory lives on
But it will never be the same now.

70. (May Your Memory)

May your memory sift in the holes, and then through
You ended virtually before you did begin
I felt, somehow, that you understand and knew
And you brought forth what is always within
Love, hope, inspired
There's many taken from the world
Now they're often denied
And their contributions left to burn
In this world
I didn't expect you to see
Your significance to me
But your soft memory has ended in tragedy
May your memory cascade through the ocean
I never meant to dismay or upset you
I don't write this out of duty or devotion
It's just that I can't, will not, forget you

71. (Why Must)

Why must I sit here, my eyes drowned in tears
I'm supposed to be singing and furthering my career
But, from all this crying, my throat has gone hoarse
Because of him dying, of course
The dream is no more; the world's worth seems bare
He never seemed to change; except for his hair
His memory's suspending, aloft on a rope
Which is why I must feel that there's no longer hope
Like a cold, empty room, with an unopened curtain
The world is bereft; its future, uncertain
(That line was a reference to Roadhouse Blues by The Doors)
One day I will continue, to life's banal extremes
But I now only project him, into my dreams
Why must I think of him, invoking such sorrow
I'll live with love like he did, though he's gone for tomorrow.

72. (Bite Your Lip.)

It was then that I heard, although I demurred
That not everything could be controlled
My persona could melt, who knew what I felt
As if someone had ripped out my soul
Then they tell me that they understand
Making me wonder if it's true
They smile with their pity, for they'll always be glad
Of telling people like me what to do
Bite your lip, child; it isn't the worst
He isn't the last, just because he's the first
You weren't the one given untimely death
Bite your lip and hold your breath
Yet somehow, I can see his presence in me
I believed, somehow, he knew how I felt
When my life seemed so futile, I looked to his beauty
Though I couldn't tell him what he meant to me now.

Edited by Rayanne Graff Jul 2006

Rayanne Graff

| 75,057 posts

5th Jul 2006 at 9:28 am

Rayanne Graff - River Phoenix

River Phoenix

73. (Understand.)

I thought, somehow, he could see me; I thought he could understand
His desert eyes, might help me rise
At least, I thought he would
I thought he would save the world from its hatred
Its request for death, and other demands
Maybe someday you'd fly, but how could you die
This I do not understand
One day your love will burn above
Spreading freely, across the land.

74. (Wondering.)

Wondering why, when the world passes you by
How can you, its praises demand
I thought you would flow, by the pangs
of tomorrow
I thought you were my only friend
I cannot see, how it was meant to be
It's not just another event
Wondering if the world, is always adrift
Though it always seems to have a defence.

75. (Strength and Derision)

You gave me strength, while they issued out
Their subdued derision
I was hearing your voice, inside me, shout
When I knew not of my decision
Those who could see, did hassle me
But they said they didn't know
The world's always the same, for people never change
There's too much conflict, for it to love or
softly flow
I probably wouldn't know if the world is ending
The future is uncertain, it's clear
If you gave me strength, for their derision's only pretending
That they've a way of somehow controlling
their fear

76. (Once)

Once the world was hyped up, if only by insults
Now it has f*****g forgotten
It can live off its hate, though it only results
In a world that is lost, tinged with rotten
Once there was hope; hanging from your soul
Unless I was only dreaming
Perhaps it was so, but it did make me whole
From the ones who killed me by feeling
Once they could see you; oh, your sweet destiny
But now, their praises have come to an end
I thought you had such hope, that I somehow I could cope
I thought you were my only friend
Once you were accepted, admired and respected
Now you're exemplified and spat upon
Some day they will see, you're not depravity
That your memory's lingering on.

That is the end of my 76 1993 poems.



| 2,740 posts

5th Jul 2006 at 11:41 am

leftthisplace28-12-07 - Lord Sebastian Flyte.The one in white.

Lord Sebastian Flyte.The one in white.

Applauds. *hugs* says "thank you."
I haven't been manicial all these years I have been in love! It is the exact same dreadful feeling.

Rayanne Graff

| 75,057 posts

6th Jul 2006 at 9:10 am

Rayanne Graff - River Phoenix

River Phoenix

*Hugs back* You're welcome.

Inability/ Ability- Monday, the 26th of June, 2006.

I am a rock
or... I am a wall
I am everything
or nothing at all.

I walk into the night
into the air
I breathe in hope
but I taste despair.

I feel everything
i feel nothing at all
I hear the blood
i hear it call.

I don't know what is real
i don't know what is true
Do I even exist?
i wish I knew.

Difference- Sunday, the 9th of July, 2006.

I am a butterfly
whirling through the sky
A creature of beauty
both graceful and shy.

Running through the wind
and looking at the grass
A vision of hope
in a world of ugliness.

I am a spirit
gliding through the air
As delicate as glass
as solid as a chair.

An animal of colour
kaleidoscopic and rare
Flying away
from a world of despair.

Weight- Wednesday, the 19th of July, 2006.

It's like an echo in my brain
it's like a sound of dirt and pain
I didn't listen; I didn't learn
i can't go back; I can't return.

I feel alive, but I still feel dead
it's like a scream inside my head
My world is peace, but peace is new
words aren't enough, but they have to do.

Life is pain; a scarlet line
the edge of shame is lost in time
I can't breathe now; I choke on air
guilt wears me down, as does despair.

I am it
it is me
It has to go
but it still will be.

I wish I'd listened to my dream
though they both are dirt, I can't feel clean
And I will never lose my burns
i can't go back; I can't return.

Gravity- Wednesday, the 19th of July, 2006.

I am a cloud
whirling in the sky
Watching all the people
as they pass me by.

Wondering if they notice
and what they might see
If I look like an angel
or a leaf from a tree.

The birds are my friends
i notice them fly
Creatures of grace and beauty
in a kaleidoscopic sky.

I am myself
neither ashamed nor proud
I am myself
i am a cloud.

Wishing For Nothing- 21st of December, 1995

(I must've been cutting for about a year when I wrote this poem; perhaps that explains why it's a bit mad. Anyway, I've given up now. I hope.)

Let me die in fields of bliss
it will take me so much further than this
I will not let you maske me cry
'tis for your hatred that I would die.

In the mountains of madness, my dis-ease will grow
as I die amidst beauty
or get smothered in snow.

There are times when I have no pain or dread
and I hear the voices of the dead
I will never remove them from my brain
they love me, because they are insane.

And I then collapse in shame and scorn
for the One that should not have been born
I knew you in another phase
when I was a cat, now I'm a trapped maze.

Then must I say, Death's warm and sweet
no more must I fall, to weep at your feet
You will excuse what you have done
you think that you're a Chosen One.

And so you live, by poisoning fate
thinking that chanting's bad karma
You're not its product, you made your own state
and hate is your nirvana.

Then I do lie in worlds of pain
there is no wisdom left to gain
I wish I could fly, to somehow ignore you
for I have a fear that I won't die before you.

Underneath- 22nd of May, 1999

I cry, feeling misunderstood
by a world that does not care
People give me space to breathe, but
they also flaunt their past lives.

What I am is obvious
and I am alone, frightened
But, perhaps it is better to
be silent than disbelieved.

In myself I hide, and sometimes
beyond that, I do not want
Any more hatred; I am fragile
lost, sometimes it is too late.

Some things- such as myself- do not
matter, they fall away like a
Screaming cloud; yet, all the same,
my heart has already broken.

Edited by Rayanne Graff Jul 2006

Rayanne Graff

| 75,057 posts

7th Aug 2006 at 9:17 am

Rayanne Graff - River Phoenix

River Phoenix

The Symmetry Of Rabbits

I never trust anyone
there is hope beyond the pale
Sound of lies they gave me now
yes, enough to comfort me.
Outwardly, I must
try to be calm, but inside
I am still pained.
All my dreams haunt me
tears can afford dignity
Killed- or at least torn- by shame

but now I am strong enough
Every day, my heart is
filled with tears and sadness
And I am an empty shell
running away from love.
Underneath my skin, there is
enough space to fill a void
I don't think wisdom is mine
but no-one expects a thing
Fear is logical
it is constant and too real
Silence is what I have now
because I am too confused.

As memories leave patterns
like a transfer on the skin
So my mind cannot leave its
body; such forces have gone.

I found this poem today. I wrote it a few months ago, I think. When I was still cutting. Which explains why it is a bit mad.

Ambivalent- 12th of August, 2006.

I wish I could fly
fly away... like a bird
Away from the hatred
of an uncaring world.

For I am nothing
or a piece of dirt
An inferior thing
i deserve to be hurt.

I look for redemption
i look for release
I can't find hope
i can't find peace.

I can't find an answer
i can't find an end
It's hard to find comfort
i thought pain was my friend.

Middle- Thursday, the 17th of August, 2006.

My memory is a fragment
split into pieces
Pieces of shame
pieces of nothing.

Memories of happiness
memories of sadness
Running through me
like an echo, echo.

A world full of questions
maybe there are no answers
So pathetic
so afraid.

Maybe the sky
can comfort me
Maybe the clouds
can feel my pain.

Although this poem is written in the first person, it isn't
about me.

Less- Sunday, the 27th of November, 2005.

The stars are so bright
the stars are so pretty
They shine and they smile
all over the city.

The people drive past
in their fancy cars
They see their reflections
but they don't see the stars.

Sometimes I wish
that I could be a star
Bringing light and vision
to a silent world.

I walk home
but I am alone
No husband to comfort me
no wife to love me.

Just the ring of the telephone
and the murmurs of the TV
And the books
the patterns of the books.

Soon it will be 2 0'clock
the Hour of the Wolf
When many people die
But I still have the stars
in my memory.

Resolved- Wednesday, the 23rd of August, 2006

I wish I could be
a leaf so green
Floating around
with the dreaming trees.

I would run through the sky
and dance with the birds
Make amazing discoveries
without any words.

To be a small tree
to be a small leaf
In a world full of shame
in a world full of grief.

Filling- Sunday, the 24th of September, 2006.

Just like a dream
like an August dream
And all the shame
and all the guilt.

So long ago
so far away
And all the hurt
and all the pain.

I fall asleep
so that i can't see
It is too much
it just can't be.

And yet it was
and always will be
Just like a ghost
falling away.

Falling away
falling away
Fading away
floating away.
St Mary Redcliffe;

Sir John Betjeman Centenary Celebration

Saturday, the 9th of September, 2006.

I heard about it
a few months ago
I thought it sounded exciting, because
i like Sir Trevor McDonald
I think he is a cfom
a cool famous old man
Like Don Warrington
or Michael Palin
Or Brian Blessed
or Rolf Harris.

The "it" which I
heard about, was a trip
I wasn't quite sure
what it was, but
I knew that it was
something to do
With Trevor McDonald.

Marc told me
that the trip had been
Organised by
the group which
His father sometimes goes to.

I had hoped that we would be able to go
i had thought
That Marc and I
would go...with his parents.

A couple of weeks ago
marc told me that tickets were limited
and we probably wouldn't
Be able to go
unless someone dropped out.

Marc bought some tickets
on Friday
So that he could
take his father
To a rugby match
on Saturday.

A few hours later
marc's mother rang
She said that there were
two spare tickets
So I told Marc
to tell his mother
That I would go
he said that a woman
Whose name was Chris
had organised the trip
And he said that
she would make sure
That i got home.

I got my bag ready
_ i mean, i packed it-
On Saturday
this is what i put in it:
Two blue pens
an orange notebook
A brown autograph book
two carton drinks
A pink purse
and a camera.

This is what i wore:
a black bobble in my hair
A silver dream catcher earring
in my left ear
Another dream catcher earring
and a bell earring
In my right ear
i had a gold stud earring
In my right ear
a silver turtle ring
In my nose
an homage to Janis Joplin
and her song
Turtle Blues
i usually wear
these three necklaces:
(but they're tangled)
A black, yellow, white
purple, red and green
Bead necklace
a yellow frog necklace
On a purple string
a silver bell necklace
On a black string
but because they
Were tangled
i wore my
Love spoon instead
it is a wooden, pale brown
Love spoon.

Marc has one as well
we made them for each other
I wore bracelets
on both my arms
I'm not sure which
were on which
Or if I've described
the right ones
I went on Saturday
it's Thursday now
Charm bracelet
with white crystals
And black jewels
with a silver pattern

(Anyway, that's enough for now. i'll post some more on Monday.)

Edited by Rayanne Graff Nov 2006

Rayanne Graff

| 75,057 posts

27th Sept 2006 at 11:30 am

Rayanne Graff - River Phoenix

River Phoenix

And these silver charms
a cross charm
A dolphin
a butterfly
A heart
a moon... with stars
A pink bead bracelet
a black bead bracelet
A white plastic bracelet
a Beatles watch
On my left arm
on a red/ black strap
It's a fabric strap
i don't wear leather
Marc bought it me
from The Beatles Shop
It used to have a turqoise one
Because I didn't wear my bell necklace...
(It's like the one
River Phoenix wore
In I Love You To Death
i wear it most
Of the time
even when I'm asleep
It's like his spirit
is protecting me)
I wore the bell earring
to make up for
My necklace
and on my left arm
Two red ribbon bracelets
each had a gold bell
A long-sleeved
orange top
A long brown skirt
white socks
With ladybirds on them
black shoes
Made by Vegetarian Shoes
marc gave me them
For my birthday
i wore a coat
But i didn't need to
a white coat
An afghan
i bought it in 1991
In Manchester
or Womanchester
The woman I bought it from
said it was synthetic
And not sheepskin.

Marc took me
to the coach
He talked to Chris
then everyone started
Getting on
there were about
Six other people
they were all quite old
In their 60s and 70s, i think
but i'm not ageist

I sat next to
another woman
She said her name was Diana
i said, my name is Strawberry
She asked if it was my
first name or my last
I said, my first
because it is
Then she gave me my ticket.

I should've said
this before
When I was getting
in the car
I noticed a car... which had
The words
"Pug power"
written on it.

I looked out
of the window
I saw a biker gang
i think motorbikes
Are cool.

Near the church
was a house
With a blue plaque
it said that
Thomas Chatterton
lived there
I was glad to have seen it.
We went to the church
there were numerous
People there
a couple of hundred
I think.

I had left my coat
on the coach
Because it was too hot
when i first put it down
I had to flick
two ants off it
But i tried not to
hurt them.

Some people had
reserved seats
Although none of
us did
The reserved seats
had name cards
One of the seats
was for someone
Whose first name
was Hercules.

The vicar gave an address
then the choir sang
Psalm 150
then there was another song
Which other people sang to
but i didn't
because the organ
Was too loud.

There were official
photographers, but
Other people weren't
supposed to
Take photos
so i didn't take any
Anyway, i couldn't see
very well
But i could hear.

Trevor McDonald
read two Betjeman poems
Bristol... and then
hilton Marsh Halt
I think the best thing
about being there
Was listening to
trevor McDonald
Although it was
kind of surreal.

Then Richard Briers
gave a speech
And the choir sang
i Was Glad when they
Said unto me
and Rachel Stirling read
A poem...
youth and Age on
Beaulieu River.

Then the choir sang
and Richard Briers
Read a poem... it was called
a Subaltern's Love-song.

Andrew Motion announced
the three winners...
Of a poetry contest
for 11 to 16-year olds
... Well, the two runners-up
and the boy who won
He was called Jamal
the poem was
Called Kaleidoscope
it was about London
And the people
who live there
Their various accents
and something about
Different kinds of food
it was a good poem
Short, as well
unlike this poem
If, indeed
you could call it
A poem.

Then the choir sang
in Latin
Te lucis ante terminum
thee, Lord, before the
Close of day.

Trevor McDonald
read another poem... called
In a Bath Tea Shop...
the Bishop of Swindon
Gave an address
he said that, even though
John Betjeman
once wrote a poem
Where he compared
swindon... to a jellyfish
He loved Swindon really
and it loved him
Or something.

Rachel Stirling
read another poem...
Called Uffington. Then
there was another hymn
And we left the church
i got lost in the crowd
So i sat outside
and looked at the
Yellow programme
i read some of the
Poems which were in it
i was there for about
20 minutes
prior to that
I had been in
the marquee
But i had left
and gone to sit
On the bench
this is because
I didn't know
where everyone was.

20 minutes
but it felt like longer
Diane found me
i went in the
Marquee with her
and we sat at a table
With some other people
she asked me
If I had seen
someone called Judy
I said that i hadn't
although they
Found her later.

Diane told me
that... while she had been
Looking for Judy
she went in the church
And she saw
trevor McDonald
He was only there
for a couple
Of minutes
he was on his own
For a bit
then he gave
His autograph
to a couple of people
And i said
that i was
Well, that i am
a bit of a fan
And Diane said
yes, but would you
Have been brave enough
to talk to him?
I said that i
thought i
Would have been
and she said that
She talked to someone
called Julia McKenzie
And told her
that she
Admired her work
then she said
Oh, but you
probably won't
Have heard of her
So... i asked
is she an actress?
Yes, Diane said
she is an actress.

There was a group
of women
In the marquee
about five of them
They were in
their twenties
And played violins.

I told Diane
that i was going
To look outside
and around
For a bit.

Edited by Rayanne Graff Oct 2006

Rayanne Graff

| 75,057 posts

12th Oct 2006 at 11:13 am

Rayanne Graff - River Phoenix

River Phoenix

I went in the church
for a couple of minutes
And... near the marquee
there was a book stall
I bought two books...
my favourite Betjeman
Which had a red, black
and white cover
And... The Best Loved Poems
of John Betjeman
Which had a blue, orange and purple cover.

I went back
to the marquee
And Diane
and another woman
Were talking about
rachel Stirling
I don't know the name
of the other woman.

They were talking about
how she is
Dame Diana
rigg's daughter
And they said
that she had been
In plays
and I said...
Yeah, and she was in
a TV programme
Called Tipping The Velvet
i like impressing people
With my nerdy knowledge.

About 20 minutes later
we left the marquee
And stood outside
near a grey wall
And waited for the couch
everyone else got off
Near the place where
we had been taken from
And Diane asked the driver
to take me home
There was no-one else
on the coach
So... i felt shy
well, shyer.

I explained to him
how to get to the flat
And i went in
marc wasn't back yet
So I watched a bit
of a programme
Called Fundamentalists
it was on Channel Four
And the bloke
who presented it
Interviewed Hindu
fundamentalists... and
Christian fundamentalists
i didn't see
All of it, though
i only watched about
Half an hour
there was a bit
Where he interviewed
this American guy
Who worked in a factory
where they made Bibles
Which were
in numerous languages
And there was
an American Bible
Which had
a picture of an eagle
And some stars
on the cover
I felt
somewhat baffled
By the display
of gung-ho patriotism.

Then I had a bath
and Marc rang
He said
that he would be
Home in a few minutes
and when we came back
We had chips
for dinner
Well, I s'pose it
was supper.

I asked Marc
about the match
He said that
his team won
And that
there was
This nerdy bloke
who was there
With two women
and they knew more
About the game
than he did.

I told him
about Hercules
And i said
that Elton John's
Middle name
is Hercules
But that
he used to be called
Reginald Dwight
before he changed
His name
and Marc said
He thought that
dwight sounded like
A Jewish name
then he talked about
Dwight Yorke
but he said that
He couldn't think of
any black/ Jewish people
And i said that
sammy Davis, Junior
Was Jewish
because he converted
And he asked
about when
Trevor McDonald
read the poems
He said: Did
trevor McDonald say:
These are the poems. Bong!
like when he read
The News At Ten
but i said
That he didn't.

He asked about
richard Briers
When he said
that he mentioned
marc asked
If he was name-dropping.

I said
that it wasn't like that
But that he said
that Terry-Thomas
Was his cousin
and that he supported
And helped him
before he was famous
Well, he didn't
say it like that
He didn't say
famous, anyway
He said when he was
a struggling/ young actor
I told Marc
about this bloke
I saw
in the marquee
He was old
in his 60s, i think
His beard was long
and grey
And fluffy
it was an
Impressive beard.

That is the end of the poem.

Transfer- 31st of October, 2006.

My mind is somewhere
it is somewhere else
Like i found another time
and i'm on another planet.

Another vision, another ghost
because i never remembered
I thought i didn't
i thought i couldn't.

Lost and forgotten
hidden from time
And i can hear an echo
but it is just a label.

Never- 6th of January, 2007.

i wish i could feel
but everything
Is colliding
just like i thought.

Time is an enemy
lost in nothingness
turning into fear.

It is gone
everything is gone
A shadow of
what once was.

Minds- 21/1/2007.

Little chick
looking for his mother
Poor little chick
miles away from home.

A few steps seem
like miles
A few minutes seem
like hours.

He is a brave creature
his feet carry him
Leading him
to safety.

i hope
that he will find her
i don't know if he did
but i hope it in my heart.

Found- 21/1/2007.

If i could feel
a distance
From the world
if it could be enough.

It isn't what
i wish for
It is what
it has to be.

Like an armour
shell-like and hidden
Too far way
or not far enough.

Safety is fragile
comfort is fleeting
i wish everyone
didn't scare me so much.

Disappear- 26/1/2007.

Too scared
too lost
i thought it would go
maybe it never will.

i wish i could hide
but it hurts too much
It hurts inside
and it always did.

It always did
and now it hurts more
But i always knew
i knew it would.

It isn't despair
just shame and fear
It's like i can't breathe
too slow; too long.

Remote- 29/1/2007.

falling into nothingness
Back and forth
it will return.

i can't exist
Can't be contained
anywhere, everywhere.

My senses are numb
can't find the right words
No-one can hurt you
if you don't feel anything.

Half- 31/1/2007.

i always hoped
that one day
i would be

i still wish it
but it can't happen
A dream of hope
it turned into sadness.

i wish i could
belong to this world
But i can't
and i never will.

It feels like
i live on
Another planet
and i hate it.

Torn into
into pieces
i feel like i'm
split in half.

Into The Wilderness- 17/10/ 1998.

i want to die; im just so tired
of society's double standards
Cursed perhaps, or just depressed, and
only deserving shame, sorrow.

Yes, i am loved; but i think that
it's not deserved, and i hate
Myself- a shell, perhaps, this refuge of mine
is a place for me to hide and escape.

A sense of confusion, a sense
of loss; enters my mind, haunts my heart
These walls of shame are built by me
this world is full of emptiness.

No passion or truth will ease my
pain, so i try to conform
Nothing, it seems, is ever enough, and i
don't know if i will ever be at peace.

Screams of The Mind And Spirit- 27/ 1 / 1998.

Boredom runs through my veins
the loss of knowledge is rife
i have seen stretching pains
pain is a large part of life.

This world is full of hate
people's faces become stone
Art is what i want to rate
but i feel fragile, alone

Love is what i went to see
and what i tried to find
With shame's burnt, cold spirit
forever in my mind.

No coldness, only fear
of being dirty and strange
Sadness and shame are here
perhaps these things won't change.

Pieces of Distortion- 17th of February, 1998.

Being alive just turns me to stone
it is devoid of profundity; it is fake
The symmetry of others moves me
and yet i am still close to drowning in my hate.

Memories, clinging onto me
are like the grasping remnants of an old illness
i hardly ever did tell then
and i am not attempting to recall it now.

Perhaps it was not caused by me
however, i feel as though it is all my fault
Maybe those times have gone away
yet i think i'll remain, consumed by fear and shame.

No i'm not false, my thoughts are real
they stain my soul and burn the edges of my skin
Disbelieved, but i know what i
remember- or at least pieces of memories.  

The Confusion of Despair- 21st of February, 1998.

There is a hole in my mind
where happiness might have been
Peace can be so hard to find
when you've seen what i've seen,

Pieces of my thoughts will move
away from where i was hurt
Delight, i don't deserve it
for i am filled with dirt.

It isn't that i don't care
about other people, but
Communication is a struggle- breathing's bad enough.

The Leaves Whisper- 16th of April, 1998.

There is no hope in having heroes
or attaching labels to time
Reality leaves sadness in me
and so do unacknowledged wars.

Though we live in an age of reason
this world has not really progressed
Beyond the trappings of hate and fights
meaning remains forever lost.

There is no time to justify
reasons how, or reasons why
But there is always time for us to
fall into the soft arms of death.

Maybe i'm embittered by a kind
of alienation, empty
Is my soul- somehow i feel a void
silence, confusion; i don't know what.

The Scream of Denial- 16th of April, 1998.

It is somewhat trying to be shy
when others are full of loudness
The world is full of jumping extremes
even clouds are not vast enough.

What i once had may indeed be lost
because uncertainty is rife
People are like chameleons
it is futile to trust anyone.

i hope that i can guard myself
against bigots and hypocrites
Who seize the chance to interrupt
and launch themselves on a power trip.

To Be Insulted- 16th of April, 1998.

Another day, negated
yet another passes, my hopes are denied
But i know how to love, and
that still seems better than crushing confidence.

Betrayal is certainty
disappointing lives are somehow
torn, by an
endless, grey stream of hatred.


Five hundred is nothing to me
the words i speak, the dust i breathe
Oh, she is lost in her spirit
her mind has been ruined by time.

i have almost been regressing
to times which i never held dear
So now i try to be quiet
in order to be left alone.

Within myself i will wander
until i can find a purpose
And i look for a solid cause
instead of a fragile hope.

Fear may never escape from me
my heart, it is frozen and numb
i do not hate groups of people
although it has often been said.

If i live i will self-destruct
or at least that is how it seems
Five hundred is nothing to me
and i am nothing to myself.

Edited by Rayanne Graff Feb 2007

Rayanne Graff

| 75,057 posts

14th Feb 2007 at 11:39 am

Rayanne Graff - River Phoenix

River Phoenix

Sometimes i Feel Judged

This fearful day has caused my eyes to weep
but i continue vainly to search for some hope
This pain is my fault, and i cannot sleep
my thought are confusing, everything is my fault!

i remember, just a few weeks ago
it seemed as though i could
logically arrange things
But there is nothing left for me to know
as i am less than a discardable object

There it is, and my hopes are no longer present
at least it seems so; it appears that way to me
"It is none of my business," she said
and i felt like pushing my hand through a window.

The Sky Is Pale

Possibilities are limited
and there often are people, it seems
Who shake the dull ground of confidence
yes, they will laugh at and destroy dreams.

When one of my fears is conquered
another one tends forth in its place
Greed earns more respect
my despair falls on society.

Again i will search for a purpose
people confuse me; hopes fall and fly
i was never good enough, and so
Perhaps all i deserve is death.

Once It Would Never End, It Seemed- 13th of July, 1998.

Haunted, wounded, i return again
to a world where struggle is silenced
There is no beauty which i can sense
and the taste of shame still follows me.

i would like to be invisible
but because i could not do it then
It is unlikely that it will now
happen, so i will find something else.

i found it in 1993
it is my refuge and my solace
Perhaps i waited for it to find
me; it remains calm, and is constant.

These Dreams Are Fading- 14th of July, 1998.

i am alone and silenced
by outward expectations
And so i must hide away
yet try to keep my thought still.

When i speak, i feel distant
these words will confuse me now
Again i try to escape
from this dead, critical world.

Although life once was in me
now, i feel empty somehow
It is just too much for me.

Waiting For The Inevitable- 14th of July, 1998.

Although i let it hide from me
it will probably return
The fire in me has disappeared
where will i go now for peace?

Once i was filled with energy
confusion is in my mind
Searching for a part of myself
is a struggle in my life.

When the winds know my misery
perhaps then, my tears will cease
Yet there are few alternatives
which could ever give me peace.

The Aimlessness of Trust- 16th of September, 1998.

When the stars combine to sing their song
and rain falls down from the sky
Somehow, my mind will be at peace then
as it once was, years ago.

Oh, nothing beautiful will ever
prosper in this hateful world
Even the trees are starting to die
but people no longer care.

Each day is filled with futility
and my heart rains with sadness
i liked those words; i like them
but i can see them no more.

Tears, confusion, lasting emptiness
they will descend upon us
This world sometimes seems cold, aimless
it can be hard not to care.  

i Will Not Look For Compassion- 10th of August, 1998.

i do not hate other people
although i was disbelieved
My dreams are made from confusion
shame is my philosophy.

He speaks, no-one will hear him
and hurt settles on his soul
So take away my self-respect
as i feel like a shadow.

Belonging to the human race
is disappointing for me
But at least i can run away
without the use of movement.


i am scarred by time
memories still confuse me
And i hate myself
for causing things to happen.

Beauty is fragile
and exists to be destroyed
Sadness lives in my
heart, and i feel awake with fear.

Beyond Nations- 23rd of January, 2000.

The sky falls
and all is lost
Farewell dust
inside the mind.

Tension mounts
as it once did
Full of sad
innocent cows.

Time is gone
away for life
Feeling numb
inside one's heart.

Truthful words
are treacherous
Frightened dreams
instead of love.

Screaming For Futility- 23rd of January, 2000.

Love these walls
and build some holes
controlled the mind.

Learn to hide
away from scum
Dreams will fade
caused by terror.

Life, hope, truth
awake with sky
Deadly thoughts
created strength.

Days will find
creatures of now.

Constancy- 23rd of February, 1999.

It seems there is no refuge
no escape from this silence
A spirit filled with sadness
all is emptiness, it seems.

Do not comfort me, i don't
deserve it, but i don't care
An everlasting sea of
torn hopes, also bitter dreams.

There is no sunshine where i
am going, nor where i am
Illusions will not reach me
i know deluded people.

There is no struggle for me
against feeling ashamed, it
Is too late, and i just don't
care, i don't care anymore.

Silence Reaches Me- 21st of December, 1999.

The sky will be part of me
it will cover my feet
Here i am, unacknowledged
but i know what i see.

What i long for consumes me
some things are never real
Solitude is all i have
sometimes, that is enough.

The stillness of the waves, will
surround my consciousness
Here, i am unacknowledged
and i know what i hear.

Wilderness, i feel afraid
only shamed, pained silent.

Forgotten Planet- 26th of October,1999.

How compressed i am,
in the context of all things
Knowledge is timeless
but i, i am just a space.

There is a void in
my spirit, and i am crushed
By the nature of this harsh, unaccepting world.

No time to speak, for
unloved and unheard am i
There is no respite
which will take away their hate.

At a loss for words
with a brain that is constant
Hope is not present,
and i am misunderstood.

Secret Confusion- 26th of October, 1999.

My first, my last, my only dream
ignored perhaps; but never
Forgotten. Each day i hope for
peace of mind, this hope is false.

Caress me with silence, and wound
me with words. i am constant but
Empty, and somehow traumatised
this emptiness flows like sand.

Future- 27th of January, 2000.

Solid thoughts
control the mind
They fall, then
land on the ground.

Sometimes there
can be hope, but
There is too
littl eto see.

Streams of loss
clouds of dismay
The air is
looming ahead.

Shadows move
crossing the street
looks upon us.

Destroyed Through Boastfulness

No-one will care, or even hear me
and i am open to attack, like a forsaken cloud
It seems i exist in their shadows
so perhaps they will always be remembered by him.

How bitter the sun is, it is a
curse on the edge of the world; like a grey, boiling plant, it
Encloses fragile beings in
its distant gaze; its rays are bright and futile, all is lost.

The rain pours; there is no shelter
no room for peace of mind; no love to calm the storm,
there is
Nothing, except betrayal, to look
forward to; and the world has torn itself apart.

So, like Nashreem, i will be a thing
of quietness; my heart sits near my feet, it has almost
Been shattered; i am lost in sorrow
now; i am devastated, and my spirit is broken.

Fractured Soul- 23rd of January, 2000.

Love your hate
it makes you smile
Capture words
beyond the void.

Lengthy woods-
inside this cloud
Can never
betray your dreams.

Live to hurt
itself is true
Carry thorns
believe no dust.

ignore people
brutal hatred.

Hidden- 17th of March, 2007.

Maybe i'm
a disappointment
And i'm enclosed
by the shadows.

Comfort in silence
blame and insecurity
Lost in fear
like a fading rose.

Maybe i'm
a disappointment
Maybe everyone
is a disappointment.

Emerge- 15th of March, 2007.

My heart is breaking
and i don't know
is so confusing.

i always hoped
for normality
To be normal
to be accepted.

Maybe no-one
is normal
But i wish i didn't live
on another planet.

Edited by Rayanne Graff Mar 2007

Rayanne Graff

| 75,057 posts

4th Apr 2007 at 9:39 am

Rayanne Graff - River Phoenix

River Phoenix

Zone- 31st of March, 2007.

The orange sun
in the evening sky
And with an orange
line around it.

The birds were flying
Finding their safe way
to another land.

Everything was peaceful
and still.

Ahead- 4th of April, 2007.

i cling on
to something
i don't know what
but i have to find it.

i wish i didn't
feel so scared
i wish it didn't
hurt inside.

But everyone
is alone
And the world is together
in its aloneness.

Edited by Rayanne Graff Apr 2007

Rayanne Graff

| 75,057 posts

11th Apr 2007 at 11:52 am

Rayanne Graff - River Phoenix

River Phoenix

Strangely- 7th of April, 2007.

Everyone has
their challenges
Their difficulties
their fears.

Mine is
That i'm scared of the world.

People scare me
i wish they didn't
i used to hope
that it would change.

It never did
it never happened
It never will
but i wish it would.

i've always felt
like i have a special
Connection with animals
it's as though
They know
that i don't want
To hurt them
and they don't want
To hurt me
i'm lucky to have it, but
i wish i didn't feel so
scared of people.

Rayanne Graff

| 75,057 posts

28th Apr 2007 at 9:18 am

Rayanne Graff - River Phoenix

River Phoenix

Together- 25th of April, 2007.

It's gone
i can't face it
And i don't want to
but i have to.

Can't find the words
but i knew.

This is why
i felt scared before
No shield, no armour
comforting hate.

More- 27th of April, 2007.

i close my eyse
not in despair
But because
i'm scared of the world.

Feelings in words
on paper, i don't mind
Saying things out loud
it's impossible.

Well, maybe not impossible
but it's difficult

Emma: But what's the password??? I hear you gasp...
Emma: Well that's for me to know and for you to ask.
Claire: It is from 8 in case anyone is coming
Emma: The one who spends the most money gets the red letters :p
Πανδώρα: Reeeeeeeddddddddd :3
Πανδώρα: Beep beep beeeeeeeep
Vel: I'm in!!
Πανδώρα: Beep beep. Its Tuesday.
Πανδώρα: It might be Wednesday by now. Not sure.
EvilTongs: It's definitely a day of some sort
Dinglebutt: Wednesday.... *takes long drag of cigarette*.... Now that's a name I've not heard in many a year.....
Claire: Pals and pals, it is FNSIC again tomorrow, please let me know if you need the details.
Πανδώρα: Testicle.
Claire: Hi guys, I’m Tess Ticle and welcome to my TED talk
Luco El Loco: Activity in 2020? Hooray, nice to see VR life.